The answer is easier than we think. Yup, I’ve figured out how we can come up with a Republican nominee! Now why didn’t anyone think of it before? I’m smart, but you know I’m not getting paid for this type of work. Do I get a bonus? A finder’s fee? A spot on Mount Rushmore?
Limbo. That’s all we need. Two upright bars, one horizontal one, a drum beat — and we have our candidate! It’s easy! It’s cheap! We don’t have to spend two years doing it. More importantly, we don’t have to suffer through another debate!
You know how it’s done, don’t you? Here’s what Wikipedia, my oracle, says about it:
Limbo is a popular form of dance that originated on the island of Trinidad. The dancer moves to a Caribbean rhythm, then leans backward and dances under a horizontal pole without touching it. Upon touching it or falling backwards, the dancer is “out.” When several dancers compete, they travel in single file, and the stick is gradually lowered until only one dancer — who has not touched either the pole or the floor — remains.
We can cut to the chase and get a nominee lickety-split. Whoever goes lowest, gets the nod. It works for me. And isn’t that where they’re heading anyway — and at much greater cost?
I came to this conclusion after stumbling upon a discussion on the New York Times website, captioned: “Should Candidates Have to Pass a Civics Test?”
My answer, in a word is: “YES.” My answer, in a string of profanities, is longer.
And I’m afraid I have to ask myself: “This is a question we are asking ourselves about our potential future President?” Golly gee. Do ya think that the potential leaders of our nation should be familiar with how the damn nation works?
You know what they say about menus without prices: If you have to ask, you can’t afford it. In this case, if you have to ask, you’re supporting the wrong candidate. The bar here is pretty damn low.
And, realistically, this question is geared at REPUBLICAN candidates. Because I think we can assume that a former Constitutional Law Professor knows, at a minimum, that there are three branches of government. At least there are under the U.S. Constitution — you know, that document that holds up the 2nd Amendment?
A bit of disclosure is needed here, I guess. I lecture on Civics as part of my job. I work in a small company that has an international staff. I’ve realized that it’s not just foreign-born, foreign-educated folks who need to learn how the U.S. Government works. It’s been a long time since 7th grade civics for most adults, and everyone who works with us gets a refresher course.
What I didn’t realize is that folks who are running for the highest office in the nation might need my 30 minute lecture, too. Do you think I can command Newt-like speaking fees to give it?
So here is my plan: We’ll have Mitt, Rick, Michelle, Herman, Ron, Newt, Rick, and John Huntsman do the Limbo. Whoever wins, by which of course I mean, whoever gets down-est and dirty-est, well, they get the nomination. Then I’ll give them my 30 minute lecture about how the government works. They’ll be ready to govern!
The only problem is with those pesky military details, the Commander-in-Chief BS. Well, that’s where I put my foot down. Someone else is going to have to teach them which buttons to press, and which ones NOT to press.