Category Archives: Humor

July 5, 2012 · 0:00

The Years of Living Dangerously

Hey, let’s all live dangerously. What do you say?

Nope, I’m not talking bungee jumping.

Goooooooggggglllllllllleeeeeeeeeee Imageeeeeeeeeeee

Nope, I’m not talking sky diving.

Ahhhhhhhhh (Google again)

Nope, I am not even talking about driving down the I-95 corridor.

Nope.

I’m talking seriously daring as a group activity. Because now that it’s summertime, well, we all need to P-A-R-T-Y. And we need to do it all together. It’ll be a blast.

Here, you go first. Drive across this bridge.

Whittier Bridge on I-95 in Northern Mass. (Thanks Google)

It’s the twin of this bridge, and in roughly the same condition as this bridge was just before, well, you know.

Minnesota Bridge collapse. (Google Image)

Wouldn’t it be especially fun to drive across that? The adrenaline rush would be amazing. Especially when you drive across it real slow, with thousands of other similar thrill seekers. A hoot-and-a-half?

And you don’t need to just play on that bridge. Nope. A study published last year by Transportation for America found:

One in Nine Bridges in America “Structurally Deficient, Potentially Dangerous”

So chances are you won’t have to go too far to find a place to play this game. Here’s a link to a map that will show you where. We can get thrills every single day!

Across the country, there is the cry of “cut-cut-cut,” by which the town criers mean “gut-gut-gut.” And it is giving everyone in the country multiple opportunities to tempt fate. To see just how thoroughly we can decimate our services and our infrastructure before calamity strikes.

Who needs thrills from extreme sports when reality is always near?

Have you heard about what happened recently when reality struck in Colorado Springs, Colorado?

Colorado Springs is considered the “birthplace” of The Taxpayer Bill of Rights, which has spread like wildfire throughout the country, in part spawning the Tea Party movement. It is also the home of “Focus on the Family,” you know, that bunch of progressives whose fearless leader claims “was the tea party before the tea party was cool.”

Last year, there was an election for the job of Colorado Springs Mayor. Nine candidates ran. Six of them signed Grover Norquist’s “no taxes” pledge. (The very same pledge that has stymied the U.S. Congress.) One candidate, Richard Skorman, didn’t sign the pledge. His reasoning?

“What if the city got hit by a major wildfire?”

But reasonableness and forward thinking no longer wins votes it seems.

Mr. Skorman lost, and the candidate who won, had signed Grover’s pledge. And “cut” was just what new Mayor Steve Bach did. They laid off policemen and firefighters. Sold assets. Cut-cut-cut-cut-cut. Yahoo!

Oh, but have you read the news lately? Well, it seems that the city of Colorado Springs got hit by a major wildfire! Who could have imagined that that would ever happen? I mean, it’s a freak occurrence, right? It never happens. Right? Who knew? Who could have predicted it?

Google Image

Now that the unimaginable has happened, well, they’ve called in the National Guard because, due to (1) the catastrophe, (2) the reduced police force; (3) the reduced firefighting resources; and (4) LOOTING, they need help. Yes, there aren’t enough firefighters to protect the town, folks are looting, and there aren’t enough police to handle the crimes.

Who would ever have guessed? Oh, yeah. One of the candidates guessed. My bad.

When did we become a country so unwilling to work together, to pool our resources to prevent problems and to tackle the unforeseen? When did paying your fare share become something that only fools and progressives do? When did working together to build a better country become something for patsies?

Oh yeah. 1980. I remember it well.

Remember? “The government IS the problem.”

There is real need to work together, chip in — in cash and sweat equity. That’s how America was built. That’s how it became a great nation. Because that’s what is really at stake in our political philosophy and the folks who are unwilling to pay more reasonable taxes (and by folks I mean the rich bastards who can afford to pay way more. I’m talking to you, Mitt and to your buddies).

Are we a country that builds or a country that crumbles. That collapses. That burns.

Elections matter.

68 Comments

Filed under Climate Change, Criminal Activity, Driving, Global Warming, Humor, Hypocrisy, Law, Real Estate, Taxes

Tagged as Assholes, Crap, Crazy people, GOP, Humor, Stupidity, Taxes, Tea Party

July 3, 2012 · 0:00

Second Annual No Bitchin’ Day

Last year at this time while up in Maine, I was desperately trying to find something to blog about. But since mostly I grumble on my blog, well, it was challenging. So I proclaimed June 30, 2011 to be FiftyFourAndAHalf’s First Annual No Bitchin Day.

This year I am back up in Maine, and while I have bitched a bit while up here, well I haven’t at all today. So today I proclaim today, July 3, 2012 as Second Annual No Bitchin Day. And I will share with you my piece of heaven.

John, Jacob and I come to Maine as often as possible. John and I spent part of our honeymoon here. We’d move up here permanently in a heartbeat if we could find work.

I mentioned that dream while visiting an old boss at a law firm where I used to work. Gary promptly told me, “Elyse, down the hall is a former governor of Maine. He’s here because he can’t find a job in Maine.”

“Oh.”

So we come here as often as we can and spend money instead of earning it. It works.

So here is why it is the most restful place in the world. Even in spite of these facts:

the sun gets up at about 4 a.m.
the lobstermen, like roosters, start their engines with the sun’s first rays
my dog, Cooper thinks that getting up with the sun and the lobstermen is a swell idea and tries to get us up then, too.

And in spite of the fact that wireless means I still have to work, I love it here. I am content. And I’ll share it with you.

Rainbow over the cove.

If only the rainbow had ended here, we could stay!

Full Moon over the cove

Come on up!

If you do, maybe I can get a job with the Maine Tourist Board!

79 Comments

Filed under Humor

June 28, 2012 · 0:00

Heard on the Fly

You know how close I am to Washington, DC, don’t you? Yup, I’m right across the river — it’s right outside my window. So naturally, I have my finger on the very pulse of the Nation’s Capitol.

Sometimes, I have inside information.

Sometimes, I know what’s going to happen in advance.

Sometimes, I overhear the people at the heart of the day’s most important events.

That’s what happened this time. Yes, I knew what was coming. I just couldn’t tell you or I would have had to kill you. You know how that goes.

Because on March 28, 2012, moments after the end of the Supreme Court argument on the Affordable Care Act, Justices Antonin Scalia and Samuel Alito came to my offices.

They flew in unexpectedly. Most of our staff members were surprised and watched them from a respectful distance. But not me.

Nope. I sucked up to them big time. I offered to let them pick my brain, so they let me in real close. Close enough to hear them discuss the oral argument and listen to their opinions. You know, the opinions on which so many people like me with chronic diseases depend.

Justice Scalia was the first to arrive.

Then, Justice Alito joined his colleague on the balcony.

And just like Alan Shore and Denny Craig on Boston Legal, Antonin and Sam just kicked back on the balcony and chatted about their day.

“Wasn’t that debate a hoot, A-man?” said Justice Alito “How we gonna vote?” Sam always defers to Scalia when figuring out how to think/vote.

“It was boring,” responded Scalia. “I hardly had any opportunities to show how brilliant I am. Three days of being just like everybody else. I don’t know how I managed. Besides,” Antonin added, “I decided to vote to repeal it before Congress even passed the law. Healthcare for everybody? Even for people who don’t have lifetime judicial appointments or coverage from serving in Congress? Yeah, right. Over my dead body.”

“Of course you’re right, pal,” responded Sam. “But do you think we’ll be able to get the chicks to go along with us?”

“What are you scarfing? Didn’t you hear those ‘girly-girls’ talking?” scoffed Scalia. “‘Chronic conditions,’ ‘Judicial activism’ ‘Medicaid expansion.’ Bah! They shouldn’t let chicks on the Court. Especially not these feminista types. They have no ‘judicial restraint.’ They shouldda all been Borked.”

“You got that right, A-Man. But I think we’re stuck with them for life.” The Justices were quiet for a moment, and then Alito expressed his deepest fear in a barely audible whisper: “I’m worried about the Chief, though. You think he’s with us on this one?”

“He is getting a bit uppity these days. Independent-minded. He won’t even let me peck at corpses first any more,” responded Scalia disdainfully.

“And what about Kennedy? He is so damn wishy-washy, you never know what he’s gonna do.”

“Oh, he’ll vote with me. With us. And Thomas will too, of course.”

“Uh, A-man? What if we lose?”

“We’ll hide behind our robes. And our awesome healthcare coverage. Oh, and our lifetime judicial appointments. And maybe we can get CNN to announce the decision our way.”

* * *

I am absolutely delighted that I had to rewrite this entire post, because the Supreme Court just voted 5-4 to uphold the Affordable Healthcare Act, even though it was way funnier when I expected the ACA to be overturned.

These two vultures, voted, as predicted, to overturn the law, and were joined by Justices Thomas (no surprise) and Kennedy (a surprise to me at least).

I post this in celebration. It is a victory for folks like me with chronic health conditions. It is a victory for everybody but the GOP, who was for the mandate before they were against it.

These photos of two black vultures/supreme court justices were actually taken at my company’s offices immediately following the oral arguments on the Affordable Health Act before the U.S. Supreme Court. Photoshop was not used. All photo credits belong to my friend and colleague, Ruby, and were used with her permission.

No vultures were harmed while creating this post.

84 Comments

Filed under Health and Medicine, Humor, Hypocrisy, Law, Politics, Stupidity, Voting

Tagged as Affordable Care Act, Antonin Scalia, Birding, Crying, GOP, Health, Humor, Judicial Activism, Obamacare, Politics, Samuel Alito, Stupid Lawsuits, Stupidity, Supreme Court, Vultures, Washington

June 19, 2012 · 0:00

The Livin’s Easy

Well, boys and girls, it’s summertime. Time to go outside, enjoy the sun and maybe even travel a bit. Sounds great, doesn’t it?

Well, I used to think so. But now I’m not so sure. Because I am a coward.

This has been true for my entire life, as my brother Fred would attest. Anything where there was the slightest hint of danger, I would not do. Well, except for playing on the railroad tracks.

I’d gotten over my cowardice. I learned to taste new foods, try new activities, travel. But now?

Now, thanks to the internet, well, everything is dangerous. And I always learn about these dangers. And therefore, everything terrifies me. Even those things that I never expected to be so damn frightening.

For example, I love being outside. Walking by any body of water makes me happy. But two weeks ago I found a tick chowin’ down at the top of my leg, right on a nice healthy vein. He was a tough sucker, and I needed John’s help pulling him out. And you know that at 6 a.m. there are better ways to start your day.

But! Did I panic? Heck no. I’ve been bitten before. I know what to look for (large red target and/or flu-like symptoms and/or anything odd). Lyme’s Disease ain’t getting me. No sirreeeeeee. I am, after all, a fake medical professional.

At about the same time, though, I started getting a bit concerned about other dangers of summer, lurking about me.

Is Sunscreen Flammable? Asked the New York Times.

“How the hell should I know?” I responded. “You’re the authority.” So I read the article . I am, after all, an Irish American woman still awaiting my first tan. I use sunscreen religiously. (That gives me my excuse for never going to mass.)

The answer is, in a word, yes.

Beware. This can happen to you as easily as it happened to Nicholas Cage. (Thanks, Google)

But again. I am not stupid. I am a fake medical professional and I have a brain. I will not spray myself with any aerosol and cook over an open flame.

Naturally, summer got more complicated. Because just last week my husband sent me an article that I would really rather not have read.

Remember that tick? Well, funny thing. It wasn’t your average tick. Nope, it wasn’t a dog tick or a deer tick. It was special. It was a Lone Star Tick. And it may, just may, make me sorry for all the comments I have ever made about Texas. Which is now my very favorite state in the union. Really.

We were once so close. (Thanks again Google. I feel close to you too.)

Apparently, bites by Lone Star Ticks can, in rare occasions lead to an allergy to red meat. And this allergy, like the allergy to peanuts, involves serious hives and anaphylaxis and can lead to death.

As an unapologetic, albeit infrequent carnivore, this news has me a wee bit concerned. I immediately began feeling sick to my stomach because we had barbequed burgers the night before. Then I re-read the article and realized that nausea was not a symptom of the Lone Star Tick allergy, so it immediately went away. It was an amazing cure.

Right then and there, I decided ENOUGH! I will not subject myself to these deadly summer-born illnesses any longer.

I am moving to Antarctica.

I was just starting to pack my brand new luggage when I read this:

Samsonite recalls Tokyo Chic luggage after chemical scare

HONG KONG – Samsonite, the world’s biggest luggage maker, is to replace the handles on its American Tourister brand’s Tokyo Chic inventory, amid claims some products contained high levels of chemicals that may be carcinogenic.

Winter just can’t come fast enough for me.