Tag Archives: Humor

May 1, 2012 · 0:00

Going Downhill

It started as a theory. An hypothesis. And naturally, my scientific research proved my conjecture correct. At least to the best level of scientific certainty I could muster for this particular experiment.

And so now I know exactly why the whole world is going to hell in a hand basket.

It’s the cars. Or specifically, it’s the cars folks are driving. Actually, it’s the specific cars specific people are not driving that is causing all the trouble.

“Huh?” you say. OK. I’ll back up.

It started last weekend when our family was gathered around in the family room watching a movie: Spy Game.

I sat up a little straighter during the first scene when Robert Redford/Nathan Muir rushes across Memorial Bridge to CIA HQ at Langley in his Porsche. [And not only because he was driving in the wrong direction,away from Langley, either.] No, I sat up straighter because I knew that he was going to save Brad Pitt/Tom Bishop who went rogue. (No, Brad did not quit his job as Gov’ner of Alaska. Pay attention!)

Of course Robert Redford/Nathan Muir was going to succeed. Was there ever any doubt? No! Of course not! Folks who drive Porsches always succeed, don’t they? Isn’t that how they get the Porsches?

Well, that first scene made me think. I thought back on my extensive experience with spies, espionage and intrigue. Since I’ve been in the DC area for the better part of 30 years, well, obviously I know a lot about spies. Osmosis works, you know.

Anyway, that’s when I hypothesized that it is the lack of seriously cool cars in the hands of spies that has doomed the US to being a second-rate power. You see, I live not too far from CIA HQ, and I sometimes drive right by it on my way to work.

Hmmmmm, I thought. I don’t remember seeing cool cars driving into or out of Langley. But I needed proof. Damn.

Now, you can’t just hang out outside of CIA HQ. They frown upon it, even. So I knew that I had to be sly. You see, in 1993 there was a terrible incident where bad guys drove in through the front entrance and started shooting people. As a result, the CIA folks guard the entrances quite carefully, which is pretty smart. And I’m usually glad that they do.

Well, except for one night. That one night on the way to my house, some friends took a wrong turn and entered the facility. Oops. They were stopped and searched; the guards even searched the salad Zoe was carrying. Good thing the Supreme Court hadn’t yet ruled that salad-toting folks could be strip-searched, even though the salad was still naked so it would have been pretty simple.

Anyway, to conduct my research took a bit of sacrifice on my part – I had to “stage” an accident – so I cleverly rear-ended the car in front of me so that I could hang out in front of the entrance to CIA HQ and see what-all today’s spies are driving. It wasn’t pretty. I saw:

22 Toyota Camrys

31 Honda CRVs

12 Buick Le Sabres

127 Jeep Grand Cherokees

47 Nissan Altimas

13 Jeep Wranglers

432 Completely nondescript cars

Nondescript car

and 210 folks who took the bus.

Are you excited? Envious? Awake?

There were also several mini-vans with rear windshields covered with those Mom+Dad+Johnny+Suzie+Fido+Fluffy+Flip-flop decals on the rear windshield. There was ONE BMW, but it was disappointing, too – it was an SUV, an X-3, with a “Love Animals Don’t Eat Them” bumper sticker on the back.

Not a cool car in the bunch. No wonder our spies are so demoralized.

Or maybe, it is simply having to work here:

* * *

Hey, this is my 100th Post!

Thanks everybody for coming back. You are coming back, aren’t you?

69 Comments

Filed under Conspicuous consumption, Driving, Humor

Tagged as Driving, Humor, Traffic

April 28, 2012 · 0:00

The Masterpiece

In 2003, I assured myself and my husband a comfortable retirement when I invested in Art. And not just any old piece of art. Nope. I bought a Rembrandt.

Seriously.

You know Rembrandt, I’m sure. He painted wonderful stuff:

The Night Watch (thanks Google)

And some seriously cool self portraits:

Google Again

OK, so now I am sure you know that I am discussing serious ART.

Well, I went to an auction in an affluent area here in NoVA the day before my husband, John’s, birthday. They were selling all kinds of things. Neat furniture. Life size sculptures of animals. ( I considered buying myself a horse, and there were some available. I like looking at horses; they are lovely animals. But I don’t ride horses, and pooper scooping for a horse, well, that never really appealed to me. Plus they bite. I don’t like being bitten by animals I am feeding.) But at this auction they were selling life-size horse sculptures. Sculptures don’t poop, so I seriously considered buying one for the yard when the bidding started. My niece, Jen, who was with me, held my arms down. Thanks, Jen. I was going for the pastoral look here at my house, but it was not to be.

The stuff that they were selling was pretty neat, actually. An amazing assortment of furniture was on offer. Sadly, none of it was furniture I was in the market for; and I couldn’t afford it anyway. Nevertheless, I bought my husband John a lovely desk, one that he wouldn’t have picked out in a million years. It was greeted with an unenthusiastic “oh, thanks.” It was a bargain. Unless you think of the fact that he didn’t really need a desk at the time.

But auctions are fun, and exciting. It is easy to get caught up in the spirit of raising your hand to “win” something wonderful – to take it away from someone else. Among the items that we could have previewed was a lot of art that I didn’t look at. We have tons of pictures here in our house. Way too many.

But the auctioneers were tricky. They mixed up the art with the furniture. And that, really, is how I came to own a Rembrandt. Because they said the magic words:

“The next item (No. 214) is by one of the greatest Masters. Rembrandt van Rijn!”

I looked around at the assembled crowd. They were all ooh’ing and ahh’ing at the possibility that they might today purchase A Rembrandt. Suddenly, I had to have it. The fact that I had no idea what it looked like was completely and totally irrelevant. It was a Rembrandt — a masterpiece. How could it be anything but awe-inspiring?

The auctioneer called for an amount I could never afford, but nobody raised their hand. The number went down. And down again. Still lower. Way down to about the cost of a nicely framed poster of a Monet.

My hand went up. For a picture I had never seen. A Rembrandt!

After I started the bidding, several people joined me. But by then, well, I had to have it; that Rembrandt was mine, dammit. And I won. For a ridiculously low price, I will add. I think. No, no, I’m sure it was dirt cheap. Positive.

I took the picture home and proudly presented it to my husband for his birthday the next day. Rembrandt is John’s favorite artist, and I knew he’d be thrilled to pieces to own a piece of his work.

John was truly delighted to know that he owned a Rembrandt. So delighted, in fact, that he decided that we should put it up in the one room in our house where no one ever goes.

You see, the picture is an etching of Rembrandt’s father. Who was seriously ugly. And so, as day follows night, is the etching.

One ugly old dude. I mean, our masterpiece.

But the frame is beautiful.

And some day, when our house is robbed, the burglars will follow the signs we have put up all over the house:

“Don’t bother taking the electronics! Upstairs is a Rembrandt. Take the picture of the ugly old guy. Please.”

Please don’t mention this post to our insurance company.

* * *

Many thanks to Eleanor of How the Hell Did I End Up Here whose recent post reminded me of my, um, Masterpiece.

55 Comments

Filed under Family, Humor, Stupidity

Tagged as Humor, Packaging, Washington

April 17, 2012 · 0:00

To Infinity and Beyond

Monday, Dr. Jim Yong Kim was formally elected to be the next president of the World Bank. He will take office in June.

Now in recent years, the World Bank has become a wee bit politicized. And that was even before Paul Wolfowitz became president 10 years ago. But the mission, the real mission of the World Bank is to reduce poverty and help the people in the less developed world develop. Dr. Kim is the first president of the World Bank who has worked towards ending illness and its impact on world poverty. And as our own debates here in the US have shown us, an enormous factor in perpetuating poverty is “mortality and morbidity” — sickness and the toll it takes on society.

Jim Kim is a doctor and anthropologist who has spent his life helping fight poverty and disease. He co-founded Harvard’s Partners in Health to help get healthcare to folks in developing countries. He was the head of the World Health Organization’s HIV/AIDS Program, President of Dartmouth University and now President of the World Bank.

Not to mention, a seriously cool rapper:

27 Comments

Filed under Health and Medicine, Humor, Science, Technology

Tagged as Healthcare, Humor

April 14, 2012 · 0:00

For the Little People

I’m rich. Didja know? Wildly, fabulously wealthy. Dripping in cash even. I own more homes than Mitt Romney and John McCain combined. And I will soon install a car elevator in each and every one of them.

Being so rich, I try to avoid taxes. Usually, I just make my team of accountants/tax avoiders do them and sign the form on the dotted line. Then I wash my hands thoroughly. Really, though, I don’t even like to think about taxes.

You see, I believe in the Leona Helmsley rule:

“Only the little people pay taxes“

With all that money, couldn't she afford a bag to put over her head? (Google image)

So I must say I was ticked off when the White House came up with this Widget that lets people know whether I might be paying a lower percentage of my income in taxes than they are. And just how many of my NASCAR-team-owner-buddies are too. [I was even more annoyed when, despite my best efforts and all the technological assistance I was willing to pay for, I could not embed it on my blog.]

But I learned something from this Widget, nevertheless. I learned that I am still paying a higher percentage of my money in taxes than other, lesser mortals.

Here, you try it.

http://www.whitehouse.gov/economy/buffett-rule

Happy Tax Weekend to all the little people!

(Google Image)

Ummm. That gold is mine, by the way.

77 Comments

Filed under Conspicuous consumption, Elections, Humor, Hypocrisy, Politics, Stupidity, Voting

Tagged as GOP, Humor, Politics, Pushing Buttons

April 11, 2012 · 0:00

Better Living Through Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups

Reese’s and The American Psyche

Political life in America is an Easter Basket.

You see, with an Easter Basket, you’ve got a running shot at picking what you like. And I think that life is just like that. You get good candies and bad, and sometimes even a toy or two — that special something. Of course, there are always candies you hate – circus peanuts, for example have no place in an Easter Basket.

But here in the DC area, well, things are different. Here, Easter Baskets are controlled by the government. And you can tell because Easter Baskets are brimming with that well-known symbol of the U.S. Constitution, the Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup. Here is a sample of an Easter Basket in the DC area:

A Typical DC-Area Easter Basket

Yup, this is the DC area. So all you get is Reese’s. Why? Civics. Let me take you back to 7th Grade Civics (Thanks Mrs. Ganley!)

A Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup represents the three branches of the government established under Articles I, II and III of the Constitution: The Legislative, The Executive and The Judicial branches. And they are all here, in DC. And they all stick in your craw. Peanut butter tends to do that.

Article I sets up the Legislative Branch (that’s why they think they’re special – it’s like being the eldest child). The Lege is the thick, sticky peanut butter middle of the Reese’s Cup. These days it is so dense, especially since the Republicans took the House, that nothing can penetrate it. It can be broken, it can be consumed (usually by itself) and it can be cut, but only with a very sharp a knife or bad press. It moves more slowly than molasses, and sticks to the roof of your mouth.

Article II gave us the Executive Branch: That’s the chocolaty outsides of the Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup. Unlike the insides of the Cup, the outside changes, sometimes due to political pressure, also known as heat. It melts. It freezes. It peels off. It tries to mix with the Peanut Butter insides, but the Peanut Butter part of the Cup resists; it says “No, I will not mix with you. My components must stay true to our peanut buttery-ness. No chocolate can be inside.”

Lastly, Article III spawned the Judiciary Branch. This Branch is represented by the paper outsides of the Reese’s Cup. So naturally, it is the Supreme Court that really holds the chocolate and peanut butter together. In order to get to the chocolaty/peanut buttery goodness, the Judiciary Branch must be strip searched; whether it has done anything wrong or not. Even the Justices need to live under the draconian legal precedents they spew.

From here Life gets a little bit confusing. The Vice President is well, Vice President. He is considered part of the chocolaty outsides of the Reese’s Cup. BUT, the Vice President is ALSO President of the Senate — he is just like Certs: two mints in one in our Easter Basket!

Yup that means that the VP is the tie-breaker in the Senate, which is why there is never a 50-50 stalemate. So Vice President Biden is not Certs. He is, in fact, the human equivalent of Reese’s Pieces.

Our Vice President -- Out of the Box

Now there are other parts of the Easter Basket that really represents life in this country. The grass, the jelly beans, the chocolate eggs. The real, hard-boiled, colored eggs.

And there are of course, Peeps. They are always underrepresented in Easter Baskets. That is because so few of them vote.

Bet these Peeps vote in November

Because it’s time to organize.

Power to the Peeps!

But when the take-over happens, just make sure it’s not these peeps:

No Fashion Sense

Or these:

Tea Party -- Spelling Things Out for the US

*********

On this historic day, otherwise known as Wednesday, 19 of your favorite humor bloggers are staging a WordPress coup. We have banded together to address the important topic:

Better Living Through Reese’s Peanut Butter Cupss

Yes, you read that right. Your eyes are fine. Well, they may not be fine – I really don’t know. But it does say “19 of your favorite humor bloggers” (or who SHOULD be your favorite bloggers). We are all presenting the same topic, each from his or her particularly unique perspective.

Why this topic? Why now?

Why not?

Click on the Reese’s Pieces links to gobble up the entire, yummy bag of 19 posts.

Bon Appetite!

The Big Sheep Blog

Childhood Relived

Go Guilty Pleasures

Fifty Four and A Half

Fix It Or Deal:

Play 101

K8edid:

Lenore’s Thoughts Exactly