It started as a theory. An hypothesis. And naturally, my scientific research proved my conjecture correct. At least to the best level of scientific certainty I could muster for this particular experiment.
And so now I know exactly why the whole world is going to hell in a hand basket.
It’s the cars. Or specifically, it’s the cars folks are driving. Actually, it’s the specific cars specific people are not driving that is causing all the trouble.
“Huh?” you say. OK. I’ll back up.
It started last weekend when our family was gathered around in the family room watching a movie: Spy Game.
I sat up a little straighter during the first scene when Robert Redford/Nathan Muir rushes across Memorial Bridge to CIA HQ at Langley in his Porsche. [And not only because he was driving in the wrong direction,away from Langley, either.] No, I sat up straighter because I knew that he was going to save Brad Pitt/Tom Bishop who went rogue. (No, Brad did not quit his job as Gov’ner of Alaska. Pay attention!)
Of course Robert Redford/Nathan Muir was going to succeed. Was there ever any doubt? No! Of course not! Folks who drive Porsches always succeed, don’t they? Isn’t that how they get the Porsches?
Well, that first scene made me think. I thought back on my extensive experience with spies, espionage and intrigue. Since I’ve been in the DC area for the better part of 30 years, well, obviously I know a lot about spies. Osmosis works, you know.
Anyway, that’s when I hypothesized that it is the lack of seriously cool cars in the hands of spies that has doomed the US to being a second-rate power. You see, I live not too far from CIA HQ, and I sometimes drive right by it on my way to work.
Hmmmmm, I thought. I don’t remember seeing cool cars driving into or out of Langley. But I needed proof. Damn.
Now, you can’t just hang out outside of CIA HQ. They frown upon it, even. So I knew that I had to be sly. You see, in 1993 there was a terrible incident where bad guys drove in through the front entrance and started shooting people. As a result, the CIA folks guard the entrances quite carefully, which is pretty smart. And I’m usually glad that they do.
Well, except for one night. That one night on the way to my house, some friends took a wrong turn and entered the facility. Oops. They were stopped and searched; the guards even searched the salad Zoe was carrying. Good thing the Supreme Court hadn’t yet ruled that salad-toting folks could be strip-searched, even though the salad was still naked so it would have been pretty simple.
Anyway, to conduct my research took a bit of sacrifice on my part – I had to “stage” an accident – so I cleverly rear-ended the car in front of me so that I could hang out in front of the entrance to CIA HQ and see what-all today’s spies are driving. It wasn’t pretty. I saw:
22 Toyota Camrys
31 Honda CRVs
12 Buick Le Sabres
127 Jeep Grand Cherokees
47 Nissan Altimas
13 Jeep Wranglers
432 Completely nondescript cars
and 210 folks who took the bus.
Are you excited? Envious? Awake?
There were also several mini-vans with rear windshields covered with those Mom+Dad+Johnny+Suzie+Fido+Fluffy+Flip-flop decals on the rear windshield. There was ONE BMW, but it was disappointing, too – it was an SUV, an X-3, with a “Love Animals Don’t Eat Them” bumper sticker on the back.
Not a cool car in the bunch. No wonder our spies are so demoralized.
Or maybe, it is simply having to work here:
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Hey, this is my 100th Post!
Thanks everybody for coming back. You are coming back, aren’t you?