Category Archives: Humor

January 7, 2012 · 0:00

Bees and other stings

Yesterday, I read on my office building’s  elevator computer screen that someone had smuggled bees onto an airplane. The bees escaped and stung several people before brave airline personnel managed to capture and/or kill them.

I got nervous.   After all, I was in an enclosed elevator, and people around me were carrying stuff.

“Whoa!” You say, “Your elevator has a computer screen?!”

Yes, but I can’t check my stats there.  So don’t hate me.

But the news that someone had gotten bees onboard an airplane made me look around at the folks riding up with me in the elevator with greater concern.  That man over there with the regular-sized briefcase looked “bee-free,” but what about the guy with the big square briefcase?  He could have a whole hive squirreled away in there and I wouldn’t know.

The third and last person on the elevator with me had a bag that was big enough for a bunch of bees, but I was pretty sure that it was tuna.  I don’t know if I could identify what bees smell like, but I do know tuna.

I was relieved when I got off on the 14th floor without being stung.  Relieved that I didn’t suffer from somebody else’s, ummmm, mistake.  That isn’t always the case, you know.

In addition to feeling relieved, though, I also felt stressed, and overloaded by information that I didn’t necessarily need.   Like how many times things go wrong when you least expect it.  And how frequently people don’t say anything about it.  Well, until they sue, that is.

It was later on in the afternoon that I realized that the internet is, in fact, making me crazy.  Paranoid.  Thoughtful in ways I don’t like being thoughtful.  Because I was sitting in a hospital waiting room reading an online New York Times article:

Report Finds Most Errors at Hospitals Go Unreported

Oh dear.   Now I was just there for a blood test, not brain surgery (although I DID consider a lobotomy after watching the GOP candidates preening for New Hampshire on the TV in the waiting room).  So you don’t need to worry about me.

I’m not so sure about you, though.  I mean I’m not so sure that I don’t have to worry about YOU.

Full disclosure clause:

I AM NOT A DOCTOR!

I AM NOT A LAWYER!

I AM NOT AN INDIAN CHIEF!

And I have not jumped rope to that chant in decades.   AND I am way more politically correct now than when I did.  So don’t even go there.

I AM a patient, though.  More often than I’d like.  Consider me an expert patient, in fact.  Assume  it is has happened to me.  Consider also the fact that I am married to a lawyer.

So I have some advice.  Free.  No charge.

In any medical-type situation, if something doesn’t seem right,

SAY SOMETHING!!!

Say it politely.  Say it clearly.  Keep saying it until someone looks you in the eye and answers your question, stops what they are doing and makes you comfortable that either:  they will stop, or there really is no problem and you can now relax and let them continue doing their work correctly.  Just remember that they are people too.

When your health or that of someone you love is the issue

DO NOT BE SHY

Pay attention

Ask questions

Speak up

Do your homework

Write down questions

Keep an updated list of your medications with you

And, if you frequent planes and elevators, keep something in your wallet that says whether or not you are allergic to bee stings.

41 Comments

Filed under Family, Humor, Science, Stupidity, Technology

Tagged as , , ,

January 5, 2012 · 0:00

Smarter than me

Lori over at Sunny Side Up posted a piece this morning about parallel parking.  She can’t do it.  Me, I can do it pretty well; I just can’t spell it without spell check.

And it made me think.  Well, that and a cup of coffee.

Now, it may just be the Cheerios talking, but I am starting to be afraid of cars.  Afraid of crossing in front of them, of crossing behind them and of driving anywhere near them.

I don’t like being around inanimate objects that are smarter than I am; and when they can move without my throwing them, well, it paralyzes me.

Have you seen the gizmos they’re putting in cars nowadays?  Lori, you can get a car that can parallel park itself.  Lori, wisely keeps looking for a place.  (Me, I had a bad-boy boyfriend when I was a teenager who taught me how to do it.  But I digress.)

But based on the commercials, by the time the Ford Focus maneuvers into the spot, I would have wet my pants, because these days I parallel park only when I stop to buy coffee/use the restroom after being stuck in traffic.

These gadgets though, terrify me.  There’s one that will brake automatically if you get too close to the car ahead of you.  What if you’re in the sort of traffic we have here in Northern Virginia.  Hell, I’d have whiplash on my first commute.

Have you seen the one that keeps you from hitting the car in your blind spot?  I’m not quite sure how that one works.  It might involve wheel-destroying spikes, a la Ben Hur, or maybe flame throwers, but hey you won’t hit that car.  And you won’t even need to look over your shoulder.  Cause looking over your shoulder can be dangerous.

And then there is the one that vibrates when it thinks you’re falling asleep.  I’m sure it will know exactly when you’re going onto the other side of the road to avoid pot holes, small animals and wheel-destroying spikes coming from the cars that won’t let their drivers look over their shoulders.  I’m positive.  Because no in-car gizmo has ever, ummmm, not worked properly, right?

I am surely not alone in my fear of these gizmos.  Because anyone who has ever had a car with an electronic device in it knows that they break down all the time.

Me, I stopped trusting them about 2 months after I got my current car.  It has lots of gizmos and I trusted one of them once, while backing up.  My car has a Road Runner stuck in side of it.  It goes “beep beep” when I get too close to anything behind me.  It is supposed to “beep beep” in a progressive fashion, as I get closer to stuff.  It goes apoplectic if I reverse to within 5 feet of a wall – knowing that I won’t be able to open the back hatch sends it into a frenzy.  Especially since I only open the back on weekends and at places where there are no walls.  The car will, of course, allow the nose of my car to be in the middle of the driving lane without a peep, though.

I trusted the “beep beep” once.  I was backing up into the only spot left in a garage.  It was the only way in.  My car was filled with a bunch of kids who were being kids and making noise.  Sadly, none of them said “beep beep.”  Neither did the car.  I inched into the wall, giving my  new car a custom bumper.  It is dented in as if someone hit it with a large muffin.

I’m pretty sure that these new safety features are going to lead to some pretty interesting reality TV shows.  And I guess anything that can make those shows worth watching might be worth a shot.

56 Comments

Filed under Driving, Gizmos, Humor, Technology, Traffic

Tagged as , , ,

January 2, 2012 · 0:00

The Envelope Please, Part II

There’s a reason I got crap presents for Christmas this year.  I’ve been a bad girl.  All throughout the month of December, I failed to pass on awards that I received.

Santa, I can explain!  For the rest of you, just sit back and set a spell.  It’s gonna be a long night.

Now Santa, what with all the stuff I had to do for Christmas, and actually trying to keep my job and neurotically trying to get to 5,000 hits on my blog by New Year’s (I made it!), well, I just didn’t have time to really think about these awards.

Now, some folks don’t like these awards, and that’s OK.  I’m giving it to you anyway.  Get over it.

Me, I think it is nice to be appreciated, and it gives me an excuse to really look at the blogs I read, to see who is doing what.  I also tried, I really tried to NOT give an award to someone who already has it.  But since, like me, hardly anybody knows how to get those little pictures over at the side of their blogs, it’s hard to tell.  That’s why I did a special page for my awards – not because I am such a snob (well, yes I am, but that’s not the reason I did it).  It was because I got nominated for one award six times and felt that was the only way I could let you know.

So here are the awards I got, and the people I’m giving them to.  Happy New Year!

Two special mentions here.

First, my friend Delajus at Higher and Higher is a woman I met in an online writing course.  We became fast friends.  She tells me the truth about my writing.  She argues with me.  She never hits “like” because she can’t find the “this is crap” button.  She is a beginning blogger, and only writes when she has something important to share.  She writes beautifully and is one incredibly thoughtful and thought-provoking woman.

Nancy at notquiteold led me directly or indirectly to the whole gang of folks I now consider my blogging buddies.  She wrote a comment on Crabby Old Fart that was funny, perceptive and right on target.  So I clicked on her blog and found a wonderful site.  Whenever I see that she has a new post, I wait until I have time to read it and synthesize it.  Her posts are often about ordinary things in which she finds humor, whimsy and love.  I started clicking on her commenters, and that’s how I found most of the rest of you.

As I said, I tried to look and see what blog awards folks have received, and give them ones they haven’t gotten yet.  If I left you out, I didn’t mean it.  Please let me know and I will rectify.  Because my birthday is coming up and I don’t want no more crappy gifts!

Candle Lighter Award (Thanks to Ardinam at Being Arindam)

My friend Arindam awarded me the Candle Lighter Award a couple of weeks ago.  There are no rules here, I get to award it to as many people as I choose.

Higher and Higher

An Observant Mind

Articles of Absurdity

Aurora Morealis

Georgette Sullins’s Blog

life is a bowl of kibble

notquiteold

Prairie Wisdom

RVingGirl

Sandy like a Beach

Sleep deprived and insane

Sunny Side Up

Undercover Surfer

Winsomebella

 Awesome Blog Content Award (Thanks to Susan at Susan Writes Precise)

This one is simple – to ‘accept’ the award you just add the abc award logo to your blog – the links are at the bottom of this page for you… and then you can share something about yourself with your readers and then pass the award on to other worthy bloggers – there’s no limit to how few – or how many – other bloggers you can send this to.

To share something about yourself – you will need to go through the alphabet and choose a word or phrase for each letter and use that to describe yourself – it might be something about you, something you like, or a place or thing you dream about. And that’s all – no long descriptions or detail – just create a new post, add your shiny new blog award badge and alphabet words and let your readers enjoy finding out a little more about you.  Like Susan, I will do that separately.

So here are my choices:

Higher and Higher

An Observant Mind

Georgette Sullins’s Blog

Childhood Relived

MJ Monaghan

Renovating Rita

Susan Writes Precise – because she’s good AND because of the post she did on the Penis Museum

Undercover Surfer

Winsomebella

Year-Struck

 Kreative Blogger Award (Thanks to Janice at Aurora Morealis)

 

Kreative Blogger Award started in 2008 when an Norwegian Lady named Hulda uses fabrics to create the first Kreative Blogger logo, and gave it to her sister and 3 other friends who she thought are creative. Her sister and friends passed the logo on to other bloggers whom they liked, and thus the trend began.

Today the Kreative Blogger Award logo has evolved, and along with the award that comes with some rules:

  • The Kreativ Blogger image must be displayed on the blog.
  • The nominator must be acknowledged.
  • The recipient must state ten things about himself that his readers probably don’t know.
  • The recipient must pass the award along by nominating at least six blogs to receive the award.

And the envelope, please:

An Observant Mind

AFrankAngle

Childhood Relived

Good Humored

MJ Monaghan

Sandy like a Beach

Year-Struck

 One Lovely Blog Award (Thanks to Janice at Aurora Morealis)

One Lovely Blog Award Rules:

  1. Accept the award, post it on your blog together with the name of the person who has granted the award and his or her blog link.
  2. Pass the award to 15 other blogs that you’ve newly discovered.
  3. Remember to contact the bloggers to let them know they have been chosen for this award.

The envelope, please:

An Observant MInd

Being Arindam

life is a bowl of kibble

Prairie Wisdom

Renovating Rita

RVingGirl

Sleep deprived and insane

Sunny Side Up

Winsomebella

The Versatile Blogger Award (Thanks to Janice at Aurora Morealis and Prairie Wisdom)

The Rules for The Versatile Blogger Award:

  1. Thank and link back to the person that gave you the award.
  2. Share seven things about yourself.
  3. Pass the award to fifteen bloggers that you think deserve it. (Elyse here – there is lots of room.  But many of my blogging buddies have already received this one)
  4. Lastly, contact all of the bloggers that you’ve picked for the award.

The envelope, please:

Being Arindam

Magsx2′s Blog

MJ Monaghan

She’s a Maineiac

psychodynamom

The Red Educational Shoe Award (Thanks to Lorre at Articles of Absurdity)

For this one, I first need crutches if I am expected to walk in that shoe.  I also need to pass it on to 5 supportive commenters.  OK, so I can’t count.

The envelope, please:

Childhood Relived

Emjayandthem

Higher and Higher

notquiteold

Sleep deprived and insane

psychodynamom

She’s a Maineiac

Year-Struck

So, Santa, you see, I’ve been busy.  But I am having a great time reading and commenting and sharing laughs with all of you guys.  Thanks for reading my stuff, too!

OK, everybody.  Wake up and look for your website.

62 Comments

Filed under Awards, Family, Humor

Tagged as , ,

January 1, 2012 · 0:00

The Envelope, Please, Part I

Remember how I told you that my acting career died in a broom closet?  I lied.  I mean, I took literary license.  That’s allowed, you know.  I pretend to be a writer both at work and here in the ‘sphere; I am allowed to lie.  So there.

But even after leaving my dream in tatters with the mops and brooms, I continued to pipe-dream.  That’s different than the real thing, and you don’t have to remember lines, or stage directions or what to do with props.  It’s actually much easier.  You get to keep your privacy, too, which is nice.

Most of my friends are aware of this fantasy of mine, and of my need to, from time to time, stand on a table (instead of a stage) and tell a story.  It often involves alcoholic beverages.  The table standing, not necessarily the story.

So, as I try to figure out recipients for the awards I’ve received for blogging in the last couple of weeks, I know when I have an opening.  So tonight, I’m going to tell you about the night I received my Oscars.

Really.  It was an incredibly special night for me.  An honor really.  Well, actually, two honors.  Two Oscars.  Two Awards.  But I only got to make one speech.

It was 1983, and some really fun people worked in my office that summer, one of whom, Jon, was from the area.  Carol, Mike, Jon and I all went to Jon’s house one night.  You see, 1983 was still in the Bronze Age, and Jon’s parents were on the cutting age of technology, because they had a VCR.  And Risky Business had just come out on video.

In the middle of the movie, we took a beer/bathroom break.  And guess what I spotted, casually stuck on the bookshelf in the TV room of Rob’s house.

Oscar 

And Oscar

It turned out that Jon’s father was a filmmaker.  Documentary films.  And while Rob didn’t know of my dreams, Carol sure did.  So my pals presented me with two Oscars for Documentary Filmmaking.  Sadly, not one of us had a camera.  Probably just as well, because not many stars accept wearing blue jeans.

Receiving Oscar, and his twin, Oscar, was a special honor to me, since I had neither made, nor been in any documentary films, nor even fetched donuts and coffee for the real filmmakers.  Regardless,  I got to hold Oscar and Oscar, and I got to make a speech accepting my Academy Awards.  So I am in an unusual club of people who have never actually acted or contributed in any way, shape or form to a movie, who has been presented an Academy Award.

Yes, I’m that good.

But I am of a generous nature.  And while I cannot give each and every one of my blogging buddies an Oscar, I am able to share some awards I have recently received.

But first, I have to figure out who has won what, so as not to be redundant.  Redundancy is OK when you’re getting Oscars, but not so much with blog awards.  But that’ll come.  Soon.  Because we bloggers are taking over the world!  Oscar and Oscar would be proud.

69 Comments

Filed under Awards, Humor

Tagged as ,

December 30, 2011 · 0:00

Return

I am afraid of this weekend.  No, not of New Years Eve or the end of 2011 or the beginning of 2012.  I take New Years in a Doris Day sort of way – Que sera, sera.  That’s French for WHATEVER.

But no, I’m afraid because I have to go back there again.  To the mall.  With a return.

There are two shopping malls not far from here Tysons Corner I and Tysons II.  Tysons I is a normal mall.  Homogenized.  Pasteurized.  It has the same stores as every mall in the U.S.  Macy’s.  Brookstone.  Ann Taylor.  Nothing different there.

Tysons II, however, is different.  Very different.  Tysons II, The Galleria, is filled with outrageously priced stores and a Macy’s.  Nordstroms, Cartier, Montblanc.  The Ritz has a direct entrance.

The only attractive feature to someone like me is that there is always plenty of parking and no traffic.  It’s seductive.  So Every year at Christmas time, I forget that I don’t belong and go for one last gift.  I vow never again to go.  But by the next Christmas I forget.

This year was no different.  Two days before Christmas, I needed one last gift, a scarf for my mother-in-law.

“I know,” I thought, stupidly.  “I’ll go to the Macy’s at Tysons II.” I am an idiot.  But, remember, lots of parking, no traffic.  Christmas Magic, right?

There were no employees in Macy’s.  I tried to buy a couple of things, and nobody would take my money.  So I went out into the mall.  I stopped in one store and found a nice scarf for Helen.  Looked at the tag — $198.  For a scarf for an 85-year-old lady who sometimes dribbles.  Nope.  Don’t think so.

So I continued down the main hall in the mall, occasionally stopping to look at something equally overpriced.

Then it started snowing.  In the mall.  INSIDE the mall.  On me.  It was 64 and sunny outside that day.   No snow THERE.  But inside, well, it was beginning to look a lot like Christmas.

I continued walking.

You know how car dealers show their latest models in shopping malls sometimes?  Well, this one did too.

(Google Image)

Maserati

(Google Image)

Ferrari

(Google Image)

Lamborghini

I did not buy a car.  I did not buy a $200 scarf.  I didn’t even get the Clinique skin cream I needed from Macy’s.

I did get a small gadget from the only reasonable store there, a kitchen store.  It doesn’t work, though.  So I have to go back.

If you don’t hear from me for a while, please send snow shoes.

37 Comments

Filed under Family, Humor, Stupidity

Tagged as , , , ,