Category Archives: Books

October 27, 2012 · 0:00

Idiot Wind

Damn it! My most recent pipe dream has just come crashing down around my ears.

You know, the one where I become a wildly successful, NY Times bestselling novelist because of the incredible stories I make up out of a combination of thin air, personal experience and plagiarism?

Yeah, that dream.

And it came crashing down because I must accept the fact that life is so much more colorful than anything I could make up. Yup, life is just wayyyyyy more exciting than my stories. Real life, especially during the runup to an election in the United States is in fact, completely surreal.

So don’t be rushin’ around to the bookstore. You’ll be disappointed.

What was it that forced reality into my otherwise happy existence?

Naturally, it was something I read. And while I am still drooling in shock, I am just not quite sure what it all means. I mean, how will things turn out? Because you see, I just read, that the women’s vote, which I’ve been counting on to get Obama over the edge, will be determined by where women are in their menstrual cycle. I had thought that, well, thought might play a role. But I guess not.

Apparently, it’s true. It’s been studied! So it must be right, right?

First of all, you won’t hear me comment on the fact that this study was conducted in Texas. Nope. Not one word. Total and absolute silence on the study’s lone star status.

The study was conducted by Kristina Durante at U of T.

Jimmy Durante and Pumpkin

The study presented the results of an internet survey of 502 women with regular menstrual cycles and who were not using hormone-based contraceptives (the pill, the patch and the like).

The researchers found that during the fertile time of the month, when levels of the hormone estrogen are high, single women appeared more likely to vote for Obama and committed women appeared more likely to vote for Romney, by a margin of at least 20%, Durante said. This seems to be the driver behind the researchers’ overall observation that single women were inclined toward Obama and committed women leaned toward Romney. [Yeah, that’s my emphasis. How could I let you miss that gem?]

That’s ’cause, according to Durante (Kristina not Jimmy), women are feeling sexier, which of course makes them sluttier in my mind or, in Durante’s it makes them:

“lean more toward liberal attitudes on abortion and marriage equality.”

In other important research, Durante has also studied your period’s impact on other vital decisions, like your shopping choices.

When you go to Vote,

Go feeling really slutty —

Vote a Straight Democratic Ticket!

* * *

I found this fascinating information on Daily Kos, where I find some of the best stuff. They found it at CNN! Yup, CNN, “The Most Trusted Name In News!” For some reason, though, CNN took down the link.

But here is the link Kos provided. Cause you really don’t want to miss this one.

You’re welcome.

43 Comments

Filed under Books, Campaigning, Criminal Activity, Elections, Family, Humor, Law, Politics, Science, Stupidity, Voting

Tagged as Campaigning, Crap, Crazy people, GOP, Humor, Politics, Voting, Washington

September 20, 2012 · 0:00

Secrets of a pretty damn good marriage

This week, John and I are celebrating our 26^th anniversary. Seriously! He has put up with hearing my stories repeated, time after time, and still has not run screaming from the house. Well, actually he has, but he comes back, so I don’t worry when I see him heading out the door.

Twenty-six years. Not bad, huh? It started with the Ode to Joy, which was played at our wedding.

Sadly, no Muppets came. Or maybe it would have ended badly had any Muppets shown up. We’ll never know.

The anniversary has gotten me thinking. What makes it work? Why is my marriage so perfect pretty damn good? Once I answered myself, I decided to post my good marriage tips for anyone thinking of getting married or trying to figure out if they, too, did it right.

Do not marry an asshole. You should not just love the person. You must like the person, too. Yup it’s true. It’s the first, the most basic, most fundamental criteria. Assholes make poor husbands/wives.

Never argue. John and I never argue. That’s because I let John make all the major decisions that impact our lives. I agree with him. On those times I disagree, well, then I do what I want to anyway. He rarely notices because I haven’t argued about it. Trust me, this technique is worth its weight in gold. Or jewelery. Or whatever it is you want that your husband thinks is stupid.

Admit your faults. I am a kleptomaniac, and always have been. I steal blankets. Every night of my life I have taken them from whomever is fortunate/unfortunate enough to be sleeping with me. Friends, lovers, children, husband, dogs, repairmen. You name it. If it is cold, I am toasty. If it is hot, the blankets are on the floor on my side of the bed. Otherwise, I am damn near perfect.

Make the bed with separate sheets and blankets for each side. It looks like hell, but it is the single factor that has kept my husband in that bed. Well, maybe not the only factor.

Use Gax-X. I’m not saying who.

Pretend to like baseball. Seriously, it’s not that hard. I mean, they only play 7 days a week for more than half the year. Unless the team is really good and then they play longer. An occasional “what a hit” is the wifely version of “no, it doesn’t make you look fat.” All bets are off, however, when he discovers a second team that he also needs to follow.

Have more than one TV in the house. See previous tip and accept your limits.

Appreciate his gifts. They are from his heart. I am particularly lucky in this regard. John generally gives me either books or jewelry. In 26 years, he has given me approximately 300 books. He’s given me only 2 duds. Not bad, huh? He chooses books that he doesn’t secretly want to read – just ones that he thinks I will like. And he’s right nearly always.

John’s taste in jewelry has also been fabulous. He gives me simple, tasteful pieces. Yes I am lucky. No gaudy jewelry for me! Except that once.

Never tell him that that 10^th Anniversary Ring He Gave You Was the Ugliest Thing You’d Ever Seen. When someone gives me a gift, I think of the love and effort it took to go out, choose and purchase that gift. Whether I like it or not, well, that’s secondary. So I lie. I tell them I love it. Every time. It’s usually not too difficult.

Our finances improved significantly just around the time of our 10^th anniversary. John was able to buy me an expensive piece of jewelry. Now I’m not an expensive jewelry kind of girl. (If I am ever had to sell my jewelry to live I would last approximately 3.5 days.)

But that year, well, John went all out. He bought me a HUGE ring. It was a 400 carat emerald ring with baguette diamonds swirling around and around and around the center emerald. Lots and lots of baguettes. Yes, it was a grandma ring. Picture a large emerald losing a fight with a diamond paisley. When I told John that it was beautiful, well, I should have gotten an Oscar (it would have been my 3rd!). Sadly, the ring was too big and I had to take it to the jewelry store to have it sized. That day I cashed in a whole bunch of my lucky stars.

Never admit that when the jeweler shattered the center stone of that horrid ring, that tears streamed down your face because you were desperately trying not to laugh — happy in the knowledge that you would never have to wear that horrible thing. And that you didn’t have to hurt his feelings by telling him it was ugly and you hated it. Shhhhh. Don’t tell.

Never, ever, ever, call him “Baby.”
And never, ever, ever let him read your blog.

91 Comments

Filed under Books, Family, Humor

Tagged as Family, Humor

September 13, 2012 · 0:00

Eye on the “Booker” Prize!

I am awesome. Yup. It’s true. You see, well, I have a new prize. A new award!

Yes, just the other day, I got A Booker Award! Seriously! Me!

What does that mean? Well, it is awarded to a novelist of great achievement from the United Kingdom or from Ireland. Cool! I’ve been to both places. I’m sure that qualifies.

The Man Booker Foundation awards the Booker Prize! But not to me.

Here is what it says on the Man Booker Award site:

Winning the Man Booker Prize is the ultimate accolade for many writers. As 1996 winner Graham Swift commented, “Prizes don’t make writers and writers don’t write to win prizes, but in the near-glut of literary awards now on offer, the Booker remains special. It’s the one which, if we’re completely honest, we most covet.”

Every year the Man Booker Prize winner is guaranteed a huge increase in sales, firstly in hardback and then in paperback. There is spin-off too in global sales of books, in future publishing contracts and in film and TV rights. Besides the fortune, the winner of the Man Booker Prize can also be sure of fame. The announcement of the winner is covered by television, radio and press worldwide.

Isn’t that cool? Won’t it look great on my resume?

Janice, of Aurora Borealis actually nominated me for a Booker Award. Pretty neat huh? Especially since I will be the only novelist to win such a coveted award who has not, um, actually written a novel. But hey, I won two Oscars without ever working on a movie. Apparently I am multi-talented.

Oh wait. I just looked at Janice’s post a little more closely. Oh. My bad. I didn’t win the Man Booker Prize. I won this one:

I got THIS one!

Cool! Sorry for the confusion. (But if you think I’m changing my resume, you’d better think again!)

I am delighted to accept it this award. To do so, I need to

Thank Janice for the nod. Thanks so much for thinking of me, Janice. For those of you who don’t know her, Janice is an amazingly good person, a writer of poetry, prose, of pieces that make your heart break, and your heart sing. Of pieces that make you question the humanity of some humans, and soar at the gifts others can bring. So thank you Janice. You were one of my first followers. And one of my first and best blogging buddies.
I need to put a picture of the award on my blog – there it is!
I need to tell y’all about five books I love. That’s the hard part, because I love books. I read two or three books a week. Whichever one is in my hand is usually high on the list of my favorites – otherwise I would put it down and not bother with it. But I will try to narrow my list. Here are some of my favorites:

Treasure Island by Robert Louis Stephenson is the first book I remember. My sister Beth used to read it to my brother Fred and me every night for years. When I found the old copy of Treasure Island that Beth read from years later, the book fell open to the “Apple Barrel Chapter,” the one we begged for every night. It was through the reading of this that Beth taught Fred and me to love books. Good books. She taught us to love stories and the magic you can always find in them.

Forever by Pete Hamill. A young Irish man travels to America in colonial days. Through an act of kindness, he is granted eternal life as long as he never leaves Manhattan. The story traces the his and the city’s journey from colonial days to the present. Magical. When my sister Beth, who gave me books, was dying, this was the book I read to her in her last hours. It is a beautiful story. I wish I could have read her the whole book.

The Woman in White by Wilke Collins. I’m a sucker for the classics. Wilke Collins was a contemporary of Dickens. He wrote beautifully about different problems in Victorian society, many of which we grapple with today. The Woman in White deals with mental illness. Poor Miss Finch is a blind woman whose life and disability is presented with dignity in a time when that wasn’t often the case in life or in novels. No Name presents two upper class sisters who suddenly learn that by a trick of fate, their parents were somehow not legally married; The Moonstone set the stage for modern mystery stories. He is a writer to check out if you love classic literature. Collins’ protagonists are women and they are true heroines, all.

The Weird Sisters by  Eleanor Brown. Weird Sisters is the author’s first novel and it is so incredibly brilliantly (and differently) written. The three sisters are complex and humorous and absolutely delightful, when you don’t want to kill them. Just like real sisters. The book is a gift to anyone with sisters. Or anyone who likes to read. Or maybe just a gift to me.

A Thousand Splendid Suns by Khaled Hosseini. A complex look at the lives of two women in Afghanistan before and during the Taliban’s rule of Kabul.

Ask me again tomorrow and, well, I’ll likely come up with a different group. Because I love books. I just can’t get enough of them.

Lastly, now I need to nominate five bloggers who can lie on their resumes, too. It’s always hard because folks love or hate these awards, or fall somewhere in between, like me. I tried to find folks who like awards and who haven’t yet received this one. This is a challenge, you know!

Speaker 7 of Speaker7

Val of QBG Tilted Tiara

Frank of A Frank Angle

Cooper of Security is for Cadavers

Twin Daddy of Stuph Blog

Lorna of Lorna’s Voice

Totsymae of Totsymae

OK, so I can’t count. Do not feel obligated to accept this award. But I’d love to hear what you all like to read too!