Category Archives: Awards

March 16, 2012 · 0:00

Speaker7, I Hear You!

I am not exaggerating when I tell you that I am slow. So it has been many weeks since Ramblings and Rumblings’ Speaker7 “tagged” me, during which time several other folks she tagged answered her questions. Now that no one is paying attention any more, and all the funny answers have been, well, answered, I’m going to play. Don’t hate me just because everyone else has gone home.

First off, I need to tell you about Speaker7 who is right more often than my husband (he is always right — my advice? Don’t marry a lawyer.) She understands politics, politicians and turds. What more does anyone really need to understand? Thanks for including me on your list, Speaker7.

OK, so here are her questions to me:

1.) Which member of the Backstreet Boys are you most like?

I like the gay one:

2.) What did Bruce Jenner do to his face?

Upon realizing that he had traded in a career doing something cool to staring with the Kardashians in wasted TV airspace, Bruce Jenner’s face cracked wide open. This crack was large enough for what remained of his brain to escape and take up residence in a less compromised skull: Matt Lauer’s.

3.) Please explain what a Kim Kardashian is and why anyone would know what a Kim Kardashian is?

A severe lack of talented writers in Hollywood led to the current crop of celebrities who have even less talent than the writers writing about them. The antidote is to hire us, clever bloggers who understand comedy, real life, and how nobody with a lick of sense gives a shit about reality TV.

4.) How doomed are we?

Not at all. Because we survived and there is a T-Shirt to prove it. All we need is $9.95 and we are invincible.

5.) Is Ryan Seacrest a robot or is he something less artificial?

A robot.

6.) Why isn’t Rush Limbaugh kicked in the nuts daily?

Because he is a coward and has no nuts. No vagina either. He is an alien. A zombie. A plague on humanity. A soon to be four-times divorced roll [sic] model with a drug problem and vanishing sponsors.

7.) Which religion is correct?

Mine. And I’ll kill you to prove it. Or maybe I’ll just revoke all your rights. And mess around in your girlie/boyie parts.

8.) Can you think of someone who is worse than the current slate of Republican presidential candidates?

Sarah Palin would be even worse. Funnier, but way worse.

9.) Why do people enjoy the book Twilight?

People who did not grow up on Dark Shadows enjoy Twilight. They enjoy seeing the movie because they want to see Cedric Diggory come back to life so Voldemort will lose. Oh, yeah, he does.

10.) What’s up?

Playing tag again. What’s up with you?

11.) How many Academy Awards will Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance win?

Why, oh why, do they keep making such stupid movies? And why does Nick Cage keep doing stupid shit? I know he needs money, but perhaps we can pay him to stop.

My questions:

It’s been a busy week. You have 155 blogs to read and comment on tonight. Do you:
1. Read the new ones first
2. Read the old ones first
3. Pick out your favs
4. Delete them all and hope you do a better job next week
Beatles or the Stones?
Favorite vacation ever.
When you hit the “Like” button on a blog post, which posts does Word Press say are your ‘great posts worth seeing? Do you agree that those are your best?
All-time favorite commercial
Favorite stupid comment about contraceptives
Things you’d rather do than watch college basketball.
Most embarrassing experience
THE word you simply cannot spell correctly and why we should change to your version.
Your special punishment for the lame-ass individual who came up with “REALITY TV.”
If you could change one thing in the world, what would it be?

Now, I’m not going to tag anyone, but I am going to list some folks here for you all to check out if you don’t already know them. These are mostly old blogging buddies. I’ll do another list of newer ones, too.

A Frank Angle

Articles of Absurdity

Ashley Jillian

Aurora Morealis

Becoming Cliche

Before Morning Breaks

Being Arindam

Best Bathroom Books

Big Sheep Communications

Georgette Sullins’s Blog

Good Humored

Higher and Higher

How The Hell Did I End Up Here

If I Were Brave

I’m a Blind Dog

I’ve become my parents

Jumping in Mud Puddles

life is a bowl of kibble

Lorna’s Voice

Magsx2’s Blog

Miss Demure Restraint

Peg-O-Leg’s Ramblings

Positive Parental Participation

Post it Notes from my Idiot Boss

Prairie Wisdom

psychodynamom

QBG_Tilted Tiara

Ramblngs and Rumblings

Sandy like a Beach

She’s a Maineiac

Sleep deprived and insane

Unlikely Explanations

Word Play

Winsomebella

Wrapcloth Writings

Writingfeemail’s Blog

Write from the Heart

Year-Struck

You guys go ahead and play without me. I’m pooped.

49 Comments

Filed under Awards, Childhood Traumas, Climate Change, Humor, Music, Stupidity

Tagged as Awards, Humor, Sarah Palin

March 13, 2012 · 0:00

Take Me Back

I’m a white woman of Irish descent, and so I am pretty sure that I can explain exactly why President Obama, and really, all African-American men and women, would do just about anything to return to the way life was before the Civil War. Life was so much better way back then, don’t cha think? Especially for people of color.

Shopping!

You gotta love Sarah Palin. You gotta pay attention to the former candidate for Vice President of the United States. Well, you gotta do something with her. Slapping would work for me.

You see, she couldn’t keep quiet knowing that the new movie GAME CHANGE might just imply that she was, well, not the brightest star in the GOP firmament. She couldn’t rest thinking that some people who once thought that she really did have a brain might see this movie and change their minds. Instead, she made sure that nobody will mistake her for someone who should be allowed out without a muzzle.

I’ve got to say, though, she is so dog-gone creative in her criticism of the President. You betcha!

[Sorry – this is an Obama fundraising ad – I’m not pushing you to give. But the full video, surprise, surprise, seems to have been taken off of Fox News.]

Now, Poor Sarah has contended that this video was edited to quote her out of context. So, here, you be the judge. The stuff between the italics is what was edited out.

He is bringing us back to days, you can hearken back to days before the Civil War, [when unfortunately too many Americans mistakenly believed that not all men were created equal. And it was the Civil War that began the codification of the truth that here in America, yes we are equal, and we all have equal opportunities, not based on the color of your skin, you have equal opportunity to work hard and to succeed and to embrace God-given opportunities to develop resources and work extremely hard and as I say, to succeed. Now, it has taken all these years for many Americans to understand the gravity of that mistake that took place before the Civil War and why the Civil War had to really start changing America.] What Barack Obama seems to want to do is go back to before those days when we were in different classes based on income, based on color of skin. Why are we allowing our country to move backwards? [instead of moving forward with that understanding that as our charters of liberty spell out for us, we are all created equally?]

Huh?

For my international readers, pre-Civil War America was not a nice place for blacks. Trust me on that one.

But you know, only Sarah Palin would say out loud, and in front of a television camera, that a black man would want to go back to the days of slavery, of being sold away from your family, of being whipped to death for the smallest reason, or for no reason at all. Only Freedom lovin’ Sarah Palin could even think that. Yup, those were the days. Who wouldn’t want to go back? Those dresses were amazing. And the lifestyle? Well, it was to die for” You betcha, especially if you were a slave.

Apparently, it was very hot that day.

In fact, I bet Barack is irritated as hell that there is no “Way Back Machine.” Because, although Sarah didn’t say it, I bet President Obama might also like to go back in time to the fifties, where being the biracial son of a white woman and a black man was the height of cool. I bet he’d love those fire hoses — so refreshing on a hot summer’s eve.

And the dogs that sometimes greeted blacks like this one in Birmingham.

Hey, aren't you Rin Tin Tin?

Hey, the President is a dog lover — maybe he could bring Bo with him!

Look! They already know how to play!

Perhaps we can even throw in a visit to South Africa, say, sometime between 1948 and 1994, you know, during Apartheid! He could hang with Nelson Mandela on Robben Island! Who hooo – wouldn’t that be a time.

Nelson Mandela in prison on Robben Island in 1966

Me, I’d like to use the Way Back Machine to find a time when I’d never heard of Sarah Palin.

* * *

There is really nothing funny about Sarah Palin. She is evil and dangerous. Oh, and stupid.

All photos via Google Images

69 Comments

Filed under Awards, Elections, Humor, Hypocrisy, Politics, Stupidity, Voting

Tagged as GOP, Humor, Hypocracy, Politics, Sarah Palin, Stupidity

February 17, 2012 · 0:00

Desperado

My husband doesn’t know it yet, but by the end of this three-day weekend, he will divorce me. We’ve been married 25-1/2 years. But they will be down the tubes in just a few days.

It’s sad. And it all came about perfectly innocently. Really.

It was a lovely morning, and today as I drove in to work, I was singing along with the radio when the song came on. Desperado, as sung by Linda Ronstadt (not the lesser version done by the Eagles).

It just happened; I couldn’t control myself. It tried, but really, I couldn’t help myself. I sang with abandon. With joy. With knowledge aforethought.

Now, I need to tell you that my soon to be ex-husband is handicapped. We have managed to make a good life together despite this, umm, problem. But it can’t continue.

You see, my husband hears everything. He cannot tune anything out. Not music, not voices, not machinery. I’ve never known anyone else with this particular disability. Whenever a neighbor starts a leaf or snow blower, a power tool, anything, he hears it and is frustrated. When a song he dislikes comes on the radio, when a commercial jingle plays, he hits the mute button faster than a Jeopardy contestant gets the buzzer. John will scream and dive across the room to turn that damn thing off.

Poor John. He’s never found my mute button.

And that, of course is the problem.

You see, I sing. Now, and for the last 25-1/2 years, I have looked over my shoulder before belting out a tune. I try to be considerate. And usually that works out OK for both of us.

Now, you should know that I can sing. Really! Years of chorus and choir, voice lessons, starring roles in musical comedies written by unknowns who, tragically, went on to other careers. I am even a critically acclaimed singer, with the reviews to prove it. Bronzed. One reviewer went so far as to say that I was stylish, although I am pretty sure that he was trying to get into my pants when he wrote the review. Of course, the evidence is circumstantial, based only on the reviewer’s verbal comments to me. Still, I’m sure his judgment wasn’t impaired. Extra blood is known to increase musical appreciation in men. Do I need to produce the medical studies?

Now I have a handicap, too. Unlike my husband, I can tune out anything. Including my own singing. While I’m doing it. I often just don’t notice I’m doing it.

John can deal with my singing sometimes; sometimes I just keep quiet. It’s worked.

Except for one song. Desperado, as sung by Linda Ronstadt (not the lesser version done by the Eagles). You see, it gets stuck in my head. And not even the whole song. Just one verse:

Desperado

Why don’t you come to your senses,

you been out ridin’ fences for so long, now.

Oh, you’re a hard one

But I know that you’ve got your reasons

These things that are pleasing you

Will hurt you some how

That’s all I can ever remember. And that, of course, is the problem.

“Lease, you’re doing it again. Those same lines — from the middle of the song.”

“Yeah, but they’re the best lines,” I respond. (John is never amused by that line, no matter how many times I’ve used it. Or how cute I look while saying it. Silence and pursed lips follow. )

This morning, when the song came on the radio, I forgot. I forgot that I cannot ever listen to that song again. I forgot that hearing it, even once, will result in divorce. I forgot that it might lead to a serious change in my life.

I didn’t change the channel. I didn’t turn off the radio. I did not drive into a tree or a ditch or another car simply to keep myself from hearing my beloved song – the one that my husband hates above all others.

Nope, I belted it out with abandon.

And it’s still there in my head. It wants to come out. In fact, it will come out. Sigh. And I know that my marriage simply cannot stand even one rendition. Sigh. Oh well. What’s 25-1/2 years anyway.

Mrs. Sparkly. Or should it be Ms.?

So it is a damn good thing that Janice at AuroraMorealist gave me the Mrs. Sparkly Award. Because I’m going to need to supplement my income with some singing.

Thanks Janice! For anyone who is unfamiliar with Janice’s blog, check it out. She has heart and talent and gives love with every post.

72 Comments

Filed under Awards, Driving, Family, Humor, Music

Tagged as Awards, Boomerism, Driving, Humor

February 7, 2012 · 0:00

In the Pink

Sometimes, I find it nearly impossible to shine, and so I just can’t help myself. At those time I feel the need to do something a little odd, a little nutty and a lot stupid.

Apparently, that is just how the Republican-led government of my adopted state, Virginia, feels. Because yesterday they decided that one handgun is, well, just not enough for one person, so they repealed that terrible limit, and now, we Virginians can get all the handguns we deserve. After all, we Virginians have more than one hand, so we need more than one gun.

The limit on guns had been on the law books for 19 years. It was repealed by a group of state senators who got elected by vowing to increase the number of jobs in the state. Silly me, I didn’t realize they meant jobs in hospital emergency rooms and morgues. But hey, jobs is jobs.

But the worst thing about it is I found this out the very day I found my own personal dream firearm:

The Pink Hope 22

Yes, today I learned that the Susan G. Koman foundation was selling “The Pink Hope 22.” They were “Shooting for the Cure.” Well, that news, combined with the news that I could now get a matched pair, well, it really made my day.

But then all hope shattered. Crumbled. Was blown away. You see, apparently the Susan G. Koman foundation was all fired up about guns for quite a while. But not now. These days, they’ve become so damn politically correct, over this whole decision to let poor women get breast cancer, that they are no longer selling what I personally think is the perfect symbol of an organization devoted to protecting health – a pink hand gun.

I’m so bummed, I need a hug.

*****

Apparently, two of my blogging buddies knew this day would be coming. The Island Traveler and Arindam of Being Arindam nominated me for the Hope Unites Globally or HUG Award. Thanks Guys!

I’m not sure that I really qualify for this award, because it is for people (not necessarily blogs) that promote hope, love, peace, equality and unity for all people. Me, I’m mostly in it for the snark.

Nevertheless, I have it proudly on my blog and am passing it on to three folks who have been wonderfully supporting of my writing, even before my days as an Award Winning Blogger …

Delajus at Higher and Higher

Jamie at Sleep Deprived and Insane

Lisa at Eat Plants, said the Cow

72 Comments

Filed under Awards, Driving, Family, Gun control, Humor, Hypocrisy, Stupidity, Susan G. Komen

Tagged as Awards, Funerals, Gun control, Humor, Packaging

January 21, 2012 · 0:00

What’s in a Meme?

It’s more of a disease than anything. Think Contagion. Think Outbreak. Think the combined scourges of tuberculosis, bubonic plague and flatulence with the Love Boat Theme playing in the background, with no mute button.

Yes, that’s how I describe the “meme” I got from Lori at Sunny Side Up.

A meme, according to Wikipedia, my bible, is:

an idea, behavior or style that spreads from person to person within a culture. A meme acts as a unit for carrying cultural ideas, symbols or practices, which can be transmitted from one mind to another through writing, speech, gestures, rituals or other imitable phenomena. Supporters of the concept regard memes as cultural analogues to genes in that they self-replicate, mutate and respond to selective pressures.

Yes, it’s a chain letter.

But, as I am a girl who can’t say no, here goes.

1. Describe yourself in 7 words:

Irreverent
Snarky
Chatty
Storyteller-at-any-opportunity
Smart
Curly
~~Liar~~ Literary-license-taker

2. What keeps you up at night?

The fear that some perve is going to want to know what I’m wearing right now.

3. Who would I like to be?

The Queen

4. What am I wearing right now?

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

5. What scares me?

Repeating myself. Repeating myself. See Nos 2 and 4.

6. The best and worst of blogging:

Having an outlet to write and be appreciated

Falling into the black hole of posting, reading posts and comments, where there is no other reality and where no serious writing projects get done because blogging is just too damn much fun

Having things you wrote appear in weird boxes like this even when you don’t want them to.

7. The last website I visited:

I did medical research just now here: http://www.theslanket.com/

8. What is the one thing I would change about myself:

My liposuction appointment is on Wednesday, so I’m working on that one.

9. Slankets…yes or no?

Absolutely. How can I possibly resist something that will keep me warm AND fed while I fulfill my duty as a couch potato?

"Nicks Lunch" (no apostrophe) available for $29.99 at TheSlanket.com

10. Tell us something about the person who tagged you:

Lori of Sunny Side Up likes to give me stuff. She gave me my first award, the Liebster , which is for blogs with fewer than 100 followers. (I have dubbed it “The Award for Blogs Nobody Reads.” But that caption has NOT caught on.)

But Lori is unfailingly happy, optimistic, sunny. And I thought the world of her until she was Fresh Pressed and I wasn’t.

Seriously Lori. Don’t try that FP trick again. Cause I’m watchin’ you.

Now, according to the chain letter, meme tradition, I am supposed to name folks who can carry on this chain letter tradition. But I am a non-traditionalist, so I figure I’ll give an open invitation to anyone who wants to tell about themselves, who needs a list to do it with, and who has strong feelings about slankets.

Go For It!

********

Sometimes blogging is an enriching, uplifting experience. Sometimes, in researching a post, I learn strange and wonderful things. But today I realized something frightening. If a meme is “a unit for carrying cultural ideas, symbols or practices,” our culture is doomed. And all because of blogs. Remember the Slankets. And be afraid. Because the fall of civilization and society always follows when a society forgets how to dress nicely.