Hey Doc? Do I Need This?

Back when I worried about my own car repairs, whenever a part was replaced, a mechanic would hand me the old greasy thing to prove that he had replaced that oil pan, brake pad, battery.  I never quite knew what to do with them.  Take them home?  Donate them to Good Will?  Make them into fine art?

(Google image)

(Google image)

I always thanked them very much and took the greasy gunk home where I threw it out.  I understood why they did it, it was to ensure that they really did replace your oil pan, brake pad or battery.  That they weren’t cheating you.   I got that part.

But I came home with something today that, well, I am a wee bit baffled to have in my possession.  I don’t know quite what to do with it.  And I’m pretty sure I didn’t think that cheating me was an issue this time.  And believe me, I’m sure they did the work.

You see, I had a medical procedure today.  Down there.  I had the colostomy patient’s version of a colonoscopy, an ileo-rectal sigmoidoscopy.  It was to find out what’s going on down there, to see what has been making me sick in the last few months and to figure out what to do next.  The procedure is a pain in the ass in that it is inconvenient, takes up a whole day plus prep.  But in the overall scheme of things, it’s really no big deal.  Plus they give me great drugs.

The good news is that I’m not doing too badly.  I will be taking drugs for a while, but none of the drugs that scare the bejesus out of all of us when we see their ads on TV where the list of how the drug will kill you goes on for longer than the program.  That’s good news.

And I am feeling better already so I can stop whining about my health, which is good news for you all.

But in addition to instructions on what to do tonight – take it easy, don’t drink, call us if you puke — I got a whole packet of information in a glossy file folder, which I figured would take its place in a file drawer with a packet of other similar folders.  Until I opened the file folder and saw that it contained color pictures.

I am the proud owner of several full color glossy photos of my asshole.

Next time, I will go prepared with a picture of my own:

(Google photo -- Sadly, not me.)

(Google photo — Sadly, not me.)

91 Comments

Filed under Health and Medicine, Hey Doc?, Humor

91 responses to “Hey Doc? Do I Need This?

  1. Dear Elyse,
    It is a great life skill to fin humor in such circumstances. I am wishing you comfort.

    Like

  2. I have to say if my butt looked like that girls butt I would let the world take pictures of it!
    I’m so glad you got only positive news.

    Like

    • I’m sure that she wouldn’t have posed in that way if she didn’t want it to become of photo op!

      Thanks Michelle. I wouldn’t characterize it as all positive news, but I’ll take what I can get for now.

      Like

  3. The Farris Family

    OMG. LOL.

    Like

    • Hi El!

      Funny you should comment just now, because my comment notifications hadn’t worked for days — guess what happened immediately after I hit “Publish” on a bitch about Word Press and notifications?

      Like

  4. Oh, Elyse, I have similar pics from two occassions. They are quite entertaining. The places cameras can go and the things they can see are a marvel to me. I’m so glad you’re going to be okay and I sure wish you continued healing in the nether regions because it sure isn’t fun. Take it easy and if you can figure out how I can get a behind like the one in the picture at my age, I’ll be eternally grateful! 🙂

    Like

    • If I figure out how to get one of those butts, Eleanor, I will order a whole mess of them. Your name will be on one of them.

      Isn’t it hilarious that they give you the photos, though? I mean what should I do with them? What sort of frame should I use to display them?

      Thanks for your well wishes, Eleanor!

      Like

  5. Send them to Hustler. I’m sure they’d love them.
    yeah i’m due for my next colonoscopy in 2012.
    whoops….

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  6. LMFAO omg Elyse. Thank you for that. I just woke right the f up. hahahaha

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  7. Hahahaha!
    Just came home from a root canal: thank you for making my day seem so much less dire!
    In all seriousness, though, I’m glad you are feeling generally OK, and that your medical news wasn’t too bad. Be well!

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  8. GOF

    I won’t make any more fun of this Elyse…. I’m just thankful that the outcome was good for you. Stay healthy.

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  9. Glad to hear nothing is amiss. You know I feel your pain and I hope that your recovery goes quicker than mine did. Enjoy the good drugs while you can, my friend!

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  10. Your final photo left me laughing out loud, for real. But seriously, I’m sorry you haven’t been feeling well, but glad there is medicine to help. As for the folder of photos of your ass… hmmm… I’ve got nothing. (Not too inspired today, as I’m getting over some pukey bug- but really enjoyed the laugh).

    Like

    • M2M, glad I made you laugh. That was the idea. I was laughing when I looked at the picture, too!

      Sorry you’ve been under the weather too. Sucks to be sick!

      Like

  11. Nice panties, Elyse. I like them.

    Here’s a tip. Next time your husband is irritating you or something just whip out one of the photos and ask him if he likes the portrait you had made of him.

    Like

    • Sadly, those are not my panties and that isn’t the area in question. And if I ever looked like that, well, nobody told me about it.

      But telling my husband that he is an asshole, even on the very rare time when he really is an asshole, doesn’t achieve my objective. But seriously, my husband is a good guy. Sometimes I have to just let him get away with it!

      Like

  12. Gotta wonder, would you consider making them a collage to be used as a banner here? ,,,, You could even change the blog title to Elyse’s Best Side. … Hope all is well!

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  13. Lucky you!! I was shown photos/diagrams of the giant tumor I had removed years ago. It was then when I knew I could be in the medical field because it didn’t phase me at all. I was fascinated.

    I’ve had several things removed in my time (appendix, ovary, fallopian tube, ovarian cyst, uterus etc. etc.) and I am really disappointed they never sent me home with any of my body parts in a jar. Would have looked so lovely next to the clock on the mantel.

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    • I always thought that your house would be full of interesting things, Darla, but it would surprise me to see a uterus on your mantle. On a shelf in the kitchen, ok. But the mantle is just soooooooo tacky.

      I end up looking at pictures of yucky things all the time in medical journals (including the time I was thumbing through the NEJM at lunch and was treated to a picture of “black hairy tongue” — that was a great day for my diet). But somehow the humor of being given (well, for probably $35K) a picture of my asshole, well, it was impossible to resist.

      Like

  14. That is awesome! Now you have a profile pic for that new Facebook account you started no thanks to me.

    Like

  15. Oh the stuff we have to go through just to get the answers! Include that photo in next year’s holiday greeting 🙂 = Just kidding.
    made you laugh though (I Hope)

    Take care Elyse!
    MJ

    Like

  16. I have a drawer full of MRI’s from the last 20 years. Yep, keep them all so there is historical evidence. But that is one picture I don’t have, I think I like your solution to the next time!

    Glad you are doing better. More than happy overall things are well.

    Like

    • Thanks, Val. I’ll be on additional drugs for 3 months and hopefully that will solve/push off the problems. We’ll see. But I won’t feel like crap quite so often and that in and of itself is a plus.

      I do keep these, too. I never need them. Never look at them. Never have to share them with another doctor. I’m trying to decide who should get them in my will.

      Like

  17. I’m a little disappointed you didn’t update your avatar.

    Like

  18. Glad it all came out well — the news, the photos, Exhibits A, B, C. Take care.

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  19. bigsheepcommunications

    Reminds me of childbirth, when the nurse positions a mirror so you can see everything that’s going on down there. Personally, I declined the mirror. There are just some images I never want stuck in my head. Glad you’re feeling better!

    Like

  20. Whew! I’m glad you made out well. I got good news yesterday as well…it’s nice to breathe. As for those photos….why am I imagining future generations sitting around asking “Is this g-moms butt when it was young?”

    Like

  21. Hassie

    When I had a few toe joints removed, I deliberately asked the doctor for the remnants, and brought them home in a jar so my boys could see them and perhaps learn from them. Not one, not one of them, is a medical doctor today, and I’m pissed. BTW, yours is a lovely ass.

    Like

    • I personally would have become a podiatrist had you shown me your toe joints when I was a child. Damn it, you didn’t.

      I think you meant to say that I am a lovely ass not that I have one. You see, that’s not my picture up there. I have some standards. Not many, but some.

      Thanks for stopping by, Hassie. With or without your toes!

      Like

  22. Okay. I am preparing for my upcoming urr exam next month. This will be my second time on the old camera stick and was shutting the whole thing out of my mind until now. Somehow, someway you have given me a positive spin on the whole roto rooter thing. My mind and my a$$ thanks you. Hope all is well in the end. 😉

    Like

    • In the end? Nice pun.

      Good luck with your procedure. They really are no big deal — and I say this from years and years of having to have them. Relax, ignore (but do the prep, enjoy the drugs. All the things that go on in my mind before hand make the procedure terror when it just isn’t. We torture ourselves, don’t we?!

      Like

  23. Glad to hear that your health is fine.

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  24. I was sure you were going to say they gave you your appendix in a bottle or something – photos of your innards are bad enough though. Maybe you should post them on instagram.

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  25. Ahhh…the joys of having to intersect with the medical profession from time to time in our lives…they just don’t know how to be delicate about anything!! Glad you can see the huge amount of humor in it all!! Prayers for continued good reports!!

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  26. Oh, and we have pictures of tumors my husband has removed mixed in with family photos on our computer. 🙂

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  27. Wow! Lucky you?!? Hope all turns out well for you!

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  28. Totally worth it if you’re feeling better! (And I hope they manage to pin down and fix whatever it is.)
    Keep the pictures with you. Then, if you’re eveer visiting friends and they say “oh, you must see the slides of our visit to the glue factory!”, you can pre-empt them with “Yes! And then I can shoe you the slides of my ass!”
    If any of your friends say “Cool!”, I’d really like to go out for a beer with them. My kind of people!

    Like

    • I have guests coming in from Europe next week. I plan to put the photos on display on the dining room table. I know they’ll just love it.

      And you would like to have beer with my friends. I know I certainly do!

      Like

  29. Whew! I thought they gave you vile with some gross body tissues. Glad everything is okay and you should be doing better.

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  30. Careful what you do with them… that’s blackmail material! 🙂

    Glad the news was good… I hope you keep feeling better, and are back to normal quickly.

    Enjoy the good drugs!

    Like

    • You know, John, I’m not sure there is anything identifying me as the owner of this particular asshole. So I think I’m safe unless they stick a photo of me along with a newspaper next to the picture, that is!

      Sadly the good drugs were only for the procedure. The ones I’ll be taking make my mouth taste like I’ve been licking my shoe. Yuck. C’est la vie.

      Like

      • Well, at least it didn’t make your mouth taste like you’d been licking your…. well… y’know…

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        • Well, the drug I’ll be taking makes it taste so incredibly vile that I’m not sure it would be worse if I were a contortionist. But I don’t know if the flavor would be the same. And that’s a good thing!

          Like

  31. Ah, a little something for the grandkids in the future. How lovely.

    Like

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