Back when I worried about my own car repairs, whenever a part was replaced, a mechanic would hand me the old greasy thing to prove that he had replaced that oil pan, brake pad, battery. I never quite knew what to do with them. Take them home? Donate them to Good Will? Make them into fine art?
I always thanked them very much and took the greasy gunk home where I threw it out. I understood why they did it, it was to ensure that they really did replace your oil pan, brake pad or battery. That they weren’t cheating you. I got that part.
But I came home with something today that, well, I am a wee bit baffled to have in my possession. I don’t know quite what to do with it. And I’m pretty sure I didn’t think that cheating me was an issue this time. And believe me, I’m sure they did the work.
You see, I had a medical procedure today. Down there. I had the colostomy patient’s version of a colonoscopy, an ileo-rectal sigmoidoscopy. It was to find out what’s going on down there, to see what has been making me sick in the last few months and to figure out what to do next. The procedure is a pain in the ass in that it is inconvenient, takes up a whole day plus prep. But in the overall scheme of things, it’s really no big deal. Plus they give me great drugs.
The good news is that I’m not doing too badly. I will be taking drugs for a while, but none of the drugs that scare the bejesus out of all of us when we see their ads on TV where the list of how the drug will kill you goes on for longer than the program. That’s good news.
And I am feeling better already so I can stop whining about my health, which is good news for you all.
But in addition to instructions on what to do tonight – take it easy, don’t drink, call us if you puke — I got a whole packet of information in a glossy file folder, which I figured would take its place in a file drawer with a packet of other similar folders. Until I opened the file folder and saw that it contained color pictures.
I am the proud owner of several full color glossy photos of my asshole.
Next time, I will go prepared with a picture of my own: