The Night I Won My Oscars

One of the reasons I started blogging is that everybody who knows me sooner or later gets to hear all my stories.  Repeatedly.  I needed new victims.  Preferably victims whose eyes I do not see rolling when I pull out my story again.  Victims who I won’t hear saying “oh, not that one again.”  Victims who are out of sight and will therefore leave me unaware when they run screaming from the room.

My fellow bloggers.

So today, on the magic day when all of Hollywood turns out, dressed glamorously (or incredibly hideously) for the Academy Awards, I will dust the red carpet off the story of my own personal triumph.

Red Carpet

It was an incredibly special night for me.  An honor really.  Well, actually two honors.  Two Oscars.  Two Awards.  But I only got to make one speech.

It was the summer of 1983, and some really fun people worked in my office, one of whom, Jon, was a summer intern from the DC area.  Carol, Mike, Jon and I all went to Jon’s house one night.  You see, 1983 was still in the Bronze Age, and Jon’s parents were on the cutting age of technology, because they had a VCR.  And Risky Business had just come out on video.

In the middle of the movie, we took a beer/bathroom break.  And guess what I spotted, casually stuck on the bookshelf in the TV room of Rob’s house.

Oscar 

Oscar 

And Oscar

 Oscar

It turned out that Jon’s father was a filmmaker.  Documentary films.  So, in honor of my acting career that died in a broom closet, my pals presented me with two Oscars for Documentary Filmmaking.  Sadly, not one of us had a camera.  Probably just as well, because my career would not have benefited by all the publicity surrounded my wearing blue jeans during my acceptance speech.

Receiving Oscar, and his twin, Oscar, was a special honor to me, since I had neither made, nor been in any documentary films, nor even fetched donuts and coffee for the real filmmakers.  Regardless, I got to hold Oscar and Oscar, and I got to make a speech accepting my Academy Awards.  So I am in an unusual club of people who have never actually acted or contributed in any way, shape or form to a movie, who has been presented an Academy Award.

Yes, I’m that good.

 *   *   *

If you’ve read this before, I hope you screamed quietly.

All images are from the Oscar winners at Google.

62 Comments

Filed under Awards, Bloggin' Buddies, Humor, Writing

62 responses to “The Night I Won My Oscars

  1. Ha… I made it… and I see why you sent me here… I think I already saw the other one, but I will look…

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  2. I’d never heard that story, and didn’t roll my eyes once. I may even go back and read it again.

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  3. I’m thrilled as can be about your well-deserved (almost, if you can count holding the statue as winning) win. I hope you weren’t TOO bothered that Joan Rivers and her fashion crew BLASTED you for the red-carpet jeans outfit.

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    • Sigh. Everybody tries to claw their way to the top. Especially Joan Rivers. I’m pretty sure she is trying to get her forehead and cheekbones to the top through plastic surgery!

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  4. I will never tire of hearing this story. I used to pretend I won the Oscar with my best friend during recess. We’d take turns, she’d be in the audience, I’d announce her big win. We’d write acceptance speeches. Safe to safe we were total dorks. I know you’re not surprised by this.

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  5. cooper

    i’d have voted for you….

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  6. Lily

    I graduated head of the class with a degree in Film/Photography… that’s as close to an award for filmmaking, I’m afraid. Of course that’s the last I saw of editing suites. Ah, well!

    I remember everybody thinking Cruise was so hot. It was only until Mission Impossible that I said, ‘Hang on. That Cruise character’s starting to look good.’ I must have a thing for older men.

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    • Lily, I think that deserves and award — especially since that is my son’s major as well. But I hear you on the jobs. Life is what happens when you’re making other plans.

      I can’t get beyond the Scientology to see much else in Tom Cruise. I’ve liked some of his movies, hated others. But the scene of him dancing in Risky Business? Priceless!

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  7. Wow. So your 15 minutes wasn’t even 15 minutes. How terribly sad.

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  8. You are one lucky lady.

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  9. I hope you remembered to thank your agent in your acceptance speech – they get really pissy if you overlook them.

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  10. ooo…I have never held an Oscar or seen a real one, just to behold it…but I have heard they are real.
    Yes, I believe Neil Armstrong actually landed on the moon.

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  11. I just knew that there was something special about you… I just thought it was a different kind of special, but, Oscars work… 🙂

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    • It’s my modesty, John. That’s what makes me special. That and my countless wonders that I have no reluctance to tell everyone in the world about.

      “What, you say everyone in the world doesn’t read your blog?” Sigh.

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    • Either way. Perhaps I was appro-pro-priately attired.

      Actually, if I remember correctly, I wore blue jeans and sneakers. But my hair is permanently permed (very curly) so I had that goin for me.

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  12. I hope you were appopriately attired when accepting the awards.. Chanel or was it frills, pastels and a perm?

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  13. GOF

    Awards in anticipation. Get on with it Elyse…..I’ll be expecting to see you on TV next year. 🙂

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  14. It’s about time! I have always wondered about your Oscars on your page and never asked. I too held Oscar once. A friend and colleague worked on “The Terminator” franchise and believe it or not they won 4 Oscars. All for “Terminator: 2″… Best Sound, Visual Effects, Sound Effects Editing and Makeup. I only got to hold one though.

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  15. I would be telling this story forever. Seriously, how many times does something like this happen….I’m jealous!

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    • Well, it only happened to me once, BUT, Michelle down below got one too. She was at least in broadcast, though! So I imagine getting to receive one the way I did just depends on who you know. Just like the real thing.

      Don’t be jealous, Tops. I had to give it back. Sigh.

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  16. Tom Cruise. 1983. Wow. Has he ever won an Oscar?

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    • I had to go and Google, that one. He’s been nominated 3 times (Magnolia; Jerry McGuire; and Born on the Fourth of July) but never won. I’m not a huge fan — he’s OK, as are his movies. I don’t really think of him as Oscar material. Except of course, that he was responsible for mine. I hope I remembered to thank him in my acceptance speech! It was all so exciting that it is now a blur …

      I can’t hear that song without thinking of Tom dancing in his underwear, though, and I’m sure that will last the rest of my life!

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  17. NO .. not screaming except with laughter.

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  18. Very cool. But what will really impress me is if you actually watched your friend’s father’s two documentaries… Zzzzz… 😉

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  19. Oh, don’t sell yourself short,Elyse!
    I bet plenty of people that have nothing to do with making have one those awards. (Gaffer indeed.)
    But I bet none accepted them with your style, grace, elan and joie de vivre.

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    • No, I guess you’re right, Guap. Probably nobody accepted with quite as much panache. But somehow, I can’t seem to find my acceptance speech on YouTube. Damn.

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  20. Oh no, not that story again!

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