Wedding Poo-poo

Men really don’t understand the importance women put on their wedding day.  I mean, we can’t help it.  From the moment we are born, everyone is telling us that our wedding day will be the happiest day of our lives.  And since we tend to do it at a relatively young age, well, then that means life is all down from there.

So since there really is nothing left to live for, we should be excused from being a little bit weird in the planning.

For our wedding, we tried to be low key and keep craziness to a relative minimum.   John really didn’t care about anything except for the fact that he did not, I repeat, did not want those sappy “LOVE” stamps on our wedding invitations.  So we picked stamps that we both liked:

Arctic explorer stamps

Yes, we had pictures of Arctic Explorers on our wedding invitations.  Surprisingly, I did not hear a single joke about my being or becoming frigid.  Nope, nobody, not a soul commented on it.  [Had I gotten an invitation with that stamp on it, I would still be making jokes about it, 26 years later.  Our friends and family are way nicer than I am.]

There are a few things surrounding my wedding that I do feel bad about, though.

John and I got married in 1986 in September.  I feel guilty about the fact that it was really hot out that day.  John had wanted to get married in October, but that coincided with a big work project of mine, so I said no, we’ll do it in late September.  It’ll be very cool by September 20, I assured him.  It was approximately 180 degrees “cool.”  In many of our pictures, John is sweating bullets and I’m pretty sure he was not terrified of marrying me.  I don’t think.  Although it never occurred to me to ask him.

I also feel guilty about the fact that our church and our reception hall were in different states.  You see, we got married in the church where John’s parents had been married 41 years earlier.  It seemed like a good omen.  Plus it is a beautiful stone church.  I was game.  But it was a long way in between the two places.

 

wedding map

It was a loooooonnnnnggg way from A to B

Our reception was also in a really beautiful place.  Plus we could afford to rent it out on our tight budget.  It didn’t occur to us that the fact that the two places were a zillion miles apart might be a problem.  But we have good friends and they made the trek.  Family did too, but they had to.  They were family.

If it had been up to me, I also probably would have had regular music, but, remember, John and I have different tastes, and he chose the music.

 

Yes, we had a bagpiper, although not this one.  And John, who went to college in Scotland threatened to wear a kilt.  Having a piper was OK, though.  We didn’t know anybody in the neighborhood.

But we didn’t really demand much of our guests.  We wanted them to share our day, have a good time, and enjoy themselves and each other.

Isn’t that what most people want from their wedding guests?  Isn’t that why we invite them?

It would never have occurred to me to make other, more, well, personal requests.

Today I had lunch with my old friend Keily, who was one of my bridesmaids.  Her son recently got married in Brazil and she was showing me pictures of the festivities.  So it got me thinking about weddings, naturally, and about mine.

And then I happened upon this article about a bride who is asking way more of her guests than I certainly would have asked.  She want’s them to do a three-week colon cleanse before her wedding day so that they will all look their best.

“Health guru” to the stars Rainbeau Mars will soon tie the knot with Hollywood business manager Michael Karlin, and she’s making one huge request: Each of her guests must do a three-week cleanse before her Big Day.

According to an email from her publicist, “Rainbeau hopes that by requesting her guests try out a vegan, and subsequently live food diet for 21 days, everyone will look and feel their best for HER big day.”

So I’m going to stop feeling bad about making people drive so far and about the heat and the piper.  Because I stopped short of requiring bowel cleansing in my guests.  I was, apparently, the perfect bride.

95 Comments

Filed under Childhood Traumas, Conspicuous consumption, Family, Humor, Music

95 responses to “Wedding Poo-poo

  1. I saw the wedding cleanse on yahoo and thought that I don’t have any friends who like me enough to change their bowel habits for my big day. I wonder where she’s registered at?

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  2. Who knew bowel cleansing would be such a key part of one’s special day? I thought the only regrets from my wedding day were forgetting to wear something blue (I had the old and new, and borrowed, but forgot blue), and the fact that I didn’t have enough time to cram my face full of food from the cocktail hour, because the food was awesome. Now I can add “failure to get a high colonic” as the third regret. Sigh.

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    • Sorry to burst your bubble, Weebs. There are so many things we women forget to do when we have our special day… But how could we forget to cleanse? Perhaps you might have used Fleet Blue Enemas which would have solved both problems.

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  3. I hope to get married one day. Did you hear the SCOTUS will (probably) reach a verdict THIS THURSDAY!?!?! I re-started my blog so come follow me. Lot’s of changes to come. Miss you and all that. Be well

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  4. There is a list of things I would change if I had a wedding “redo.” Fortunately, a cleanse is not on either the before or the after.

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  5. I guess the invitations would have to be hand made,carefully picked one by one by an artist and cost loooots of money

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  6. Hmmm… I wonder what that bride registered for as gifts… toilet paper?

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  7. Am I the only one thinking that this was a shitty request for her to make of her guests?

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    • You’re probably not the only one to think it, but the only one smart enough to say it! I would not have been anxious to be on the guest list!

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  8. Ugh. Where do people come up with this stuff? I think I would have loaded up on cheese and prunes for three weeks and taken a laxative right before her wedding.

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  9. I have a theory. I think she’s worried someone may spoil the air quality by passing gas and therefore will ruin the essence of alpine wildflower that only grows on a South facing mountainside in a small village in Austria that she’s having piped in. However, I’d have thought putting all her guests on a vegan diet will only make this more likely…..

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    • She’s actually having it on one of the smaller Hawaiian islands. It’ll be a three day destination wedding. But I think many of the destinations will be to the bathroom.

      The alpine village sounds wonderful, actually!

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  10. why stop with a colon cleanse? Why not dermabrasions, or breast enhancements or permanent eyeliner, penile implants, gastric by-passes or five-way heart by-pass procedures?

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  11. So much emotion expected for one day! You may enjoy this
    http://wineandcheesedoodles.wordpress.com/2013/04/14/the-best-day-of-my-life/, about why my wedding day was NOT the best day of my life!

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    • I DID enjoy it. And it made me glad you hadn’t heard of a bowel cleansing prep before YOUR big day! Just kidding. I’m pretty sure you’re not nearly that bad (and you weren’t on your wedding). That said, I get that way any time I have a party. Somehow, my husband doesn’t like to entertain …

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  12. Perfect is a heavy burden, but you seem to wear it so well. It suits you and from the guy’s side of things, ditto that on our general clueless nature. My defense is it’s what makes us charming (allegedly). Dan

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  13. Denise

    Bowel cleanse? Seriously? How the heck does she have friends? You were a most lovely bride, three week cleanse or not. ;o)

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  14. Your wedding sounds delightful! Even the ride between, sort of like a destination wedding.

    On another note, no. That is it. Just no.

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  15. A: Rainbeau? WTF kind of name is that?
    B: Any friend who asked me to colon-cleanse for them, for whatever reason, will no longer be considered a friend.
    C: Rainbeau? Seriously…WTF kind of name is that?

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  16. Ha! We asked our friends to show up sober.
    Not because we didn’t want them to drink, but because we were going to supply plenty of booze.

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    • Good plan, Guap. I am sure it was memorable!

      But any wedding would have been enhanced with a bowel cleansing. I’m sure your guests would have appreciated the alcohol’s effects more quickly had they been cleansed first, though.

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  17. Does one register at Macy’s for colon cleansing?

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  18. I also got married on a hot day: at noon, in July, in New Orleans. Our ride from the chapel to the reception location was in an old Rolls Royce with no AC. Oops. But, we planned our big day in three months so we could marry before my husband started med school.

    I’ve never heard of a bride asking her guests to do a colon cleanse…yikes! Our guests might have sweated off a few pounds!

    –Alison

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    • Ooh. Hot cars. And in New Orleans? I am sweating like your guests. But I would not cleanse for anyone who isn’t an MD.

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      • The hot car was just for bride and groom. Everyone else had cool rides. I wouldn’t change a thing. Especially the husband.

        I also wouldn’t do a cleanse for anyone besides a professional in those matters! Ugh!

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  19. I was also thinking the same–how in the hell would she know if they did? My wedding was the opposite, very laid-back, casual, I even encouraged people to bring their kids/babies. It was actually one of the best days of my life and we made sure to have a blast. In spite of all the kids/babies.

    I laughed at your map, because I’ve been to Arlington many times over the years (my grandparents lived there) so I refer to that map as the third circle of hell, nothing scared the crap outta me more than driving around DC.

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  20. darknesslites

    I’m not fond of weddings having worked one too many of them I suppose. I had/have no dreams of the perfect wedding. Nightmares perhaps but never dreams. I only go to the ones I can’t get out of. The colon cleanse would have been a no way in hades am I going to that event for me.

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    • People, including brides, should enjoy the wedding. Just enjoy the party. That should be the only wedding planning criteria people listen to.

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      • darknesslites

        I agree, unfortunately not everyone at a wedding always agrees with what that means which is what generally creates the problems I dread.

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  21. Wow! I would love to hear some of the reactions from the guests. I am sure I would be too busy that week to attend so I wouldn’t have to do the cleanse.
    I was just glad anyone showed up for my wedding. It was close but I almost didn’t…of course that is a story for another time.

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    • I’m pretty sure my reaction would have been “shit NO!” But that’s just a guess.

      And you need to stop teasing and post these stories, Michelle!

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  22. Seriously? bagpipes? no, I’m kidding. Bagpipes and heat and distance aren’t such a terrible thing, but a colon cleanse? Utterly ridiculous. Call me an old-fashioned kind of gal, but this sounds like insanity with a pretty bow tied around it. Thanks for adding yet another notch on the belt of crazy.

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    • That belt is getting bigger and bigger, with more notches, isn’t it. I mean really! A colon cleanse? 80 year old Joan Rivers is one of the guests. You’re asking an elderly woman to do this? Hey, you can have renal failure too as a wedding memento!

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  23. Hmmm. Did all her guests get this version of the invitation? Or just the ones she felt obligated to invite but was secretly hoping wouldn’t show up?

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  24. Bridezillas are taking over the world. I know it is proper etiquette to go out of your way to make your guests comfortable, but to request colon cleansing makes me wonder how long they expect the ceremony to last. I’d just keep it a little shorter and trust everyone’s bowels to do the dirty work for them.

    As for the bagpipes, sounds like great fun!

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    • Having had way too many cleanses given my history of GI problems, I am pretty sure this would not make me comfortable. Nor would it make me look my best. It would make me look and feel like death warmed over!

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  25. I have a feeling that her wedding will be a huge pain in the colon.

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  26. bigsheepcommunications

    Elyse, I’ve been sitting in front of my computer, trying to find the words to comment on the mandatory colon cleanse, but I’m speechless.

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  27. Well my response to that persons wedding invitation would be,
    No way!
    Lol
    Loved your post about your own wedding!

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  28. I would expect nothing less than you being the perfect bride. After all, great rationale for the bagpiper. Now about that bowel cleansing!

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