Why I’ll Never Murder My Husband

If you should hear that I’ve been arrested for killing my husband, don’t believe it for an instant.

It’s not that there aren’t moments when,  in spite of being a most devoted spouse, that I’d like to to bump him off.  There are.

Baseball season comes to mind, for example.  Although if John dies of boredom from the constant droning of baseball announcers, I don’t think it constitutes murder.

And music differences might send me over the edge.  Some day, I might just need to listen to Linda Ronstadt without someone asking me to change the music.

So why shouldn’t you believe I’d murder him?

John does our taxes every year.  He has been doing them since we got married.  Before that, I filed a 1040EZ form.  I plan to die first just so I never have to do them.

Google Image

Google Image

John spent the weekend tearing out his hair, scratching his head and swearing.  Me?  I went out to lunch and read blogs.

Life is good.

78 Comments

Filed under Bloggin' Buddies, Criminal Activity, Family, Humor, Taxes

78 responses to “Why I’ll Never Murder My Husband

  1. Pingback: Top 10 #RAWResome Blog Posts {Apr. 7 – 13} | julie chicklitasaurus

  2. Ohh… does your husband believe in polygamy? I do the taxes here and we have 3 businesses between us plus the two personal taxes… you can imagine my pleasure. It’s during tax time I want to kill HIM. I could do with leaving him for a man that would do them for me 😉 Always love reading your thoughts on life!

    Like

    • My husband does not believe in polygamy, but now that our taxes are done I am willing to loan him out. But I’m telling you, he is really grumpy at tax time, so you might just want to figure them out on your own.

      Me, I try to stay out of the house!

      Like

  3. This is our exact arrangement. Some things are too taxing for me, delicate creature that I am.

    Like

  4. Great post. You crack me up, Elyse. And I do the taxes — and most of the worrying and difficult stuff.
    Perhaps my husband should nervous? 🙂

    Like

    • Thanks — and I’m impressed that you do the tough stuff. I’m presuming there was a reason you married him though. But I’d keep him a little bit on edge if I were you. Unless he does the dishes often. Then he gets a pass.

      Like

  5. What a loving and supportive wife you are, not killing your husband and all. I’m so glad I have an accountant. He makes it look so easy. I was so nervous about getting them done this year but I’m in the clear. Whew!

    Tell Hubby to relax. It’s all good. 🙂

    Like

    • Aren’t I the perfect wife? I mean, what more could a guy ask for?

      My hubby doesn’t really know how to relax. Less so since we got audited last year — because we paid too much!

      Like

  6. Thank God for our accountant! And because I handle all the bills, I know just where everything is when it comes time to get all the info together to send off to her. I’ll never murder my husband because even though I take care of paying the bills, it’s his salary that affords me the luxury of being home, researching how to help our son, and making a measly $1000 a year doing a few local craft shows. AND- he doesn’t like to watch sports!!!

    Like

  7. My husband Waits until the last day then files an extention. In June he hands it all to me and says fix it. Yep, I got a winner.

    Like

  8. There was always high drama around tax season at my house growing up too. My dad would do the calculations but mom was in charge of gathering all the needed papers. It was always touch and go as to whether either one might become the murderer. Glad you took the high road 🙂

    Like

  9. Wow, lots of people commenting here. I think I’ll keep my hubby too. He helps with the cleaning & cooking, takes out the garbage & recycling, does all the grocery shopping, services the vehicles & repairs whatever needs fixing AND does our taxes & pays all the bills.

    Like

  10. LOL – sounds like he’s a keeper. Headphones for both of you and everything’s good.

    Like

  11. Funny, Paul does our taxes every year, too, and its one of the reasons why I think I might kill him.
    Weekend after weekend, after weekend….papers spread on every surface….crabby husband…..desperate searches for every receipt for every paperclip and pencil and bar of soap purchased in the last year……!!!

    Like

    • I will not pretend that John does not get grumpy. Or that I don’t want to kill him when he is and is cursing while looking for something that he didn’t put away to begin with. However as I am the paper equivalent of Peanuts’ Pigpen, I will not complain. I often leave town for the weekend, though.

      Come on down!

      Like

      • Sigh. In Paul’s case, I’d have to come every weekend for two months! Oh, maybe I exaggerate…….Can I still come?
        If I were in charge, I’d just grab a big old shoebox full of papers and hand them to a tax guy. Paul swears that won’t work……..

        Like

        • You can absolutely still come! (Early and often?)

          If I were in charge, I’d be in jail. So it’s better to listen to the swearing and not kill him. It’s a win-win.

          Like

  12. A taxes-doing-husband is a keeper indeed! Mine changes tires and puts on the ones with ‘ice cleats’ when the weather is bad. I have never ever changed a tire and hope that I don’t have to change that statistic. I set the clocks in all of the vehicles. I think that is a fair exchange!

    Like

  13. Oregano loves to do the taxes. I just dutifully sign where it says spouse and wait for the refund check.

    Like

    • “Loves” it? You sure you don’t mean “curses at it but does it anyway?”

      That said, my father-in-law was an accountant. He was terribly sick one year and my mother-in-law brought him back to himself by handing him the tax forms. John didn’t get that Happiness at Tax Time gene.

      Like

  14. I hope John remembered to complete form 1067-C for your Linda Ronstadt deduction.

    Like

  15. 1. He leaves me breakfast in the microwave.
    2. Cleans the cat litter box.
    3. Wields tools I cannot use.
    4. Does really good phone with people I don’t want to talk with.
    No, I won’t kill him and it’s good to know my friend on the internet is not Lizzie Borden.

    Like

    • I can see from your blog why you don’t kill yours. Come to think of it, John is pretty good a hauling stuff too. And we lost a lot of trees too. So I guess I will be reaffirming my plan to not murder him. And then I’ll polish my halo.

      Like

  16. I do our taxes now that they are pretty straight forward. Back in the day I had an accountant when we had an income. Just kidding, slightly.
    I can’t murder my husband though because then I would have to make my own coffee in the morning.

    Like

  17. I was going to finish our taxes today, but I think I keep working on them for a little longer…

    Like

  18. Dear God the man is a saint!! The thought of anything beyond the EZ form is enough to make me break out in a sweat.

    Like

  19. Speaker 7’s hubby watches “The Bachelor” with her? We may have to put him on the Guy Gang’s hit list.

    Like

  20. I HATE doing taxes…

    Like

  21. Ah, yes, it’s all about teamwork, isn’t it? And the best teamwork is when the crummy jobs get divided according to who can handle them best without ending up crazed in the process.

    Like

  22. Life is good. Our wedding anniversary is April 15. This way I know Jim will never forget to do the taxes or buy me roses. Preferably, both.

    Like

  23. That’s the sweetest blog thanking a hubby for doing the taxes that I ever did read. 🙂 Do you sweet talk him like that, or just tell us about it? 😉

    Like

    • I did tell him how I felt — between his cursing and my attempts to help. But then he started telling me what to do with the money if next year he drops dead from the stress of doing the taxes. I told him that I plan to go shopping then jump off a bridge. So he knows how much I appreciate him.

      Like

  24. I do the taxes here but I do them in March. That means I can lean back and smirk at all the last minute folks. Can’t kill my husband. Who would take out the garbage and mow the lawn? Besides, being a Phillies fan will kill him first. I’m going first and leaving him with the kitty litter to content with!

    Like

  25. I guess this means it is tax season and I should think about getting my taxes done. 😦

    Like

  26. The Farris Family

    Grinning. I do the family taxes. So glad to know it might win me a marital pardon.

    Like

  27. During taxes is one thing … dealing with your team losing 2 of 3 is another …. but combining them has a synergistic effect.

    Like

  28. Why my husband keeps my murdering hands at bay:
    1) He knows how to operate the snowblower.
    2) He can take down and install baby gates.
    3) He watches The Bachelor with me.

    Like

  29. I won’t murder mine either:
    1. Car Repair
    2. Litter Boxes.
    (that’s about it.)

    Like

  30. If people being accepting of you listening to Linda Ronstadt isn’t one of the signs of the apocalypse, it should be.
    Poor John…

    Like

  31. I do the taxes, every year I do the taxes. I once tried to hire someone to do them, but after interviewing several accounts they failed a simple test one single question, they failed.

    I want every single last deduction I am entitled to both personally and for my business, without sending me to jail are you knowledgeable on all the tax codes for both?

    All I got was a dead fish stare. What really, you can’t even lie well? What the hell would you do during an audit.

    So here I am down to the wire and finishing the taxes. I can understand your reluctance to not murder your husband. You think baseball season and those announcers are bad? Try golf on TV.

    Like

Play nice, please.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s