Daily Archives: October 27, 2011

Sweet Reaper

I am no longer the Grim Reaper!  I may not yet be up there with Santa, but I can now say that I can give the Easter Bunny a run for her money.  Today I can pass on some really good news.

That’s not usually the case, you know.  It’s because I work in medicine, and I hear about everything that can possibly kill, maim, and/or injure you.  I know exactly what you should fear.  I know what produce is riddled with bacteria today, why you shouldn’t ever eat runny eggs or sprouts of any kind (I do anyway).   I know way more than I want to know.  And I always share with my friends and family.

They hate me.

But really, what would you do?  I try to temper it, tone it down, but, well, what if I don’t tell someone and something bad happens?  Fortunately, most people I know have my emails sent immediately to their SPAM folders, so I satisfy my need to tell and they satisfy theirs to ignore.  Everybody is happy.  Ish.

Finally today, I am able to pass on good news.  Sweet news.  The best.  Today I learned that candy is no worse for you than granola.  Yup.  It’s true.  They just try to make us feel guilty for sucking down those gummy, gooey sweets.  When I read the news,  I tore open a package of PopRocks, twisted the top off a Coke and celebrated.  Yahoo!  Crazy Man!  Outta site!  Groovy, even.

I am not talking about dark chocolate, here.  Folks have been trying to convert me to that crap for a decade.  “Oh, it’s healthy.”  Yeah right.  It tastes like dandruff.  Dark chocolate has all the sweetness of my 7th grade math teacher – the one who longed to return to the days when she could smack kids.  Keep your dark chocolate.  Gimme Skittles.  Gimme Dots.  Gimme Twizlers.  Give me that new mint Three Musketeers bar when I am pretending to have adult tastes.

Yes, today’s headline brought me the news that I could, on occasion, choose between granola and gummy bears without feeling guilty when the gummies win.

Next thing I know, there will be a news report that one three-pack of Peeps provides 100 percent of USDA recommended levels of 10 essential vitamins and minerals.

I can’t wait.


Filed under Humor