Yesterday on the way to work, I pulled up behind a garbage truck. That’s never a good way to start a day.
“Crap,” I thought, “Things can’t get any worse.” Naturally I was wrong, because whenever I say that, well, you know what happens. This time, immediately after I thought it couldn’t get worse, the driver put his left arm out of the window. It held a lit, stinky cigar. Cigars are, well, completely disgusting, and they smell worse than just about anything on the planet. Now I was sure, that, well, things couldn’t get any worse.
You might say: “When will she figure this out? Things can always get worse!” You’ll be glad to know that I finally learned that lesson yesterday. And I will never, ever utter that phrase again.
Because immediately after I had thunk that thought, the reeking garbage truck (driven by a man adding to the ambiance with his stinky cigar) started spewing plumes of noxious diesel smoke. It coated the trees, the sky and my lungs with carcinogens.
“Ugggh,” I said to myself. ”Things cannot get any worse.”
OK, so I’m an idiot. Sue me.
A few minutes later, I was caught off guard and lulled into a false sense of complacency when the garbage truck turned right and I turned left.
“Thank God I don’t have to smell that anymore!” I thought happily.
I drove on for at least 15 seconds before I rounded a curve and had to brake sharply because of a stopped car. Several stopped cars, in fact. Cars going both directions were actually stuck right there along the road. I have no idea why, except perhaps to teach me a lesson.
Did I mention it was a lovely morning? Seventy degrees, sunny, clear. No humidity. Not a cloud in the sky. A beautiful roll down those windows and let in the fresh air kind of day. And so I did! I had! I won’t again — ever.
Because I found myself stuck in traffic with my windows open wide — next to a dead skunk. For forty minutes.
Once I finally got there, I spent the day at work thinking about what an unpleasant ride in I had had. I told my friends in the office about the garbage truck, the cigar and the skunk. They laughed. Much more stupidly, though, I thought it. Worse, I said it. And I said it aloud:
“Today can’t get any worse.”
And then I went home and watched the Republican candidates debate each other in Iowa. And it was then that I realized and said ALOUD:
“HOLY SHIT!!! Things CAN get a lot worse. If any one of these idiots (or any of the others considering getting into the race) should become President, things will get a whole lot worse.”
I said it, and I said it ALOUD.
So, America, we’re safe. Because through me, we have all learned our lesson.
You can thank me later.
FiftyFourandAHalf 
well i guess you really had no options vis a vis pepe le pew… and being an informed citizen is overrated…. i am digging bachmann’s new haircolor.
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Clearly being informed is not a high priority for much of America. How else can we explain George W Bush?
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well you could have pressed the recycled air button on the A/C in the car and you didn’t have to turn on the TV…. I just saved half of your worst day right there….you may thank me later….
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Ah, but then I would not have had anything to write about!
The skunk, he just snuck up on me — I was trying to clear the air from the garbage truck with the windows open on such a lovely, lovely morning. And then it quickly became too late and the car was polluted! Believe me, in the time I had, I tried many options!
As for the Republican display of ignorance, you’re right. I asked for that. I could have turned it off, or not turned it on. But I try my best to be an informed citizen, so that if and when I criticize politicians, it is from a position of my own personal knowledge, not filtered through the media
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My oh my, what a stinky day you had! (sorry, irresistible)
Promise me that no matter what your day is like you’ll write about it so that I can keep laughing my ass off at your posts. Promise.
Love your prose to bits!
Lisa
Lisa
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Every day? Well, you’ll have to support me with *your* writing! Once a week my husband and I can cover!
Thanks for your comment!
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The YOUR up there should be in italics — that looks weird up there!
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Oh, my gosh! You followed a dead skunk with the Iowa debate? What a glutton for punishment! God, I loved this piece! And it’s so timely for me because I had a pretty skunky day yesterday. This is just what I needed to lighten my mood, make me smile, giggle, and finally laugh out loud, which is something even the neighbors can hear. Thank you, thank you, thank you for every word of this. It’s just great!
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So glad you liked it — in spite of your awful, smelly, skunky day. But don’t worry things can’t get any … WHOA!!! Glad I stopped myself, aren’t you?
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