Yesterday on the way to work, I pulled up behind a garbage truck. That’s never a good way to start a day.
“Crap,” I thought, “Things can’t get any worse.” Naturally I was wrong, because whenever I say that, well, you know what happens. This time, immediately after I thought it couldn’t get worse, the driver put his left arm out of the window. It held a lit, stinky cigar. Cigars are, well, completely disgusting, and they smell worse than just about anything on the planet. Now I was sure, that, well, things couldn’t get any worse.
You might say: “When will she figure this out? Things can always get worse!” You’ll be glad to know that I finally learned that lesson yesterday. And I will never, ever utter that phrase again.
Because immediately after I had thunk that thought, the reeking garbage truck (driven by a man adding to the ambiance with his stinky cigar) started spewing plumes of noxious diesel smoke. It coated the trees, the sky and my lungs with carcinogens.
“Ugggh,” I said to myself. ”Things cannot get any worse.”
OK, so I’m an idiot. Sue me.
A few minutes later, I was caught off guard and lulled into a false sense of complacency when the garbage truck turned right and I turned left.
“Thank God I don’t have to smell that anymore!” I thought happily.
I drove on for at least 15 seconds before I rounded a curve and had to brake sharply because of a stopped car. Several stopped cars, in fact. Cars going both directions were actually stuck right there along the road. I have no idea why, except perhaps to teach me a lesson.
Did I mention it was a lovely morning? Seventy degrees, sunny, clear. No humidity. Not a cloud in the sky. A beautiful roll down those windows and let in the fresh air kind of day. And so I did! I had! I won’t again — ever.
Because I found myself stuck in traffic with my windows open wide — next to a dead skunk. For forty minutes.
Once I finally got there, I spent the day at work thinking about what an unpleasant ride in I had had. I told my friends in the office about the garbage truck, the cigar and the skunk. They laughed. Much more stupidly, though, I thought it. Worse, I said it. And I said it aloud:
“Today can’t get any worse.”
And then I went home and watched the Republican candidates debate each other in Iowa. And it was then that I realized and said ALOUD:
“HOLY SHIT!!! Things CAN get a lot worse. If any one of these idiots (or any of the others considering getting into the race) should become President, things will get a whole lot worse.”
I said it, and I said it ALOUD.
So, America, we’re safe. Because through me, we have all learned our lesson.
You can thank me later.