Daily Archives: August 12, 2011


Yesterday on the way to work, I pulled up behind a garbage truck. That’s never a good way to start a day.

“Crap,” I thought, “Things can’t get any worse.”  Naturally I was wrong, because whenever I say that, well, you know what happens.  This time, immediately after I thought it couldn’t get worse, the driver put his left arm out of the window.  It held a lit, stinky cigar. Cigars are, well, completely disgusting, and they smell worse than just about anything on the planet.   Now  I was sure, that, well, things couldn’t get any worse.

You might say:  “When will she figure this out?  Things can always get worse!”  You’ll be glad to know that  I finally learned that lesson yesterday.  And I will never, ever utter that phrase again.

Because immediately after I had thunk that thought, the reeking garbage truck (driven by a man adding to the ambiance with his stinky cigar) started spewing plumes of noxious diesel smoke.  It coated the trees, the sky and my lungs with carcinogens.

“Ugggh,” I said to myself.  ”Things cannot get any worse.” 

OK, so I’m an idiot.  Sue me.

A few minutes later, I was caught off guard and lulled into a false sense of complacency when the garbage truck turned right and I turned left.

Thank God I don’t have to smell that anymore!” I thought happily.

I drove on for at least 15 seconds before I rounded a curve and had to brake sharply because of a stopped car.  Several stopped cars, in fact.  Cars going both directions were actually stuck right there along the road.  I have no idea why, except perhaps to teach me a lesson.

Did I mention it was a lovely morning?  Seventy degrees, sunny, clear.  No humidity.  Not a cloud in the sky.  A beautiful roll down those windows and let in the fresh air kind of day.  And so I did!  I had!  I won’t again — ever.

Because I found myself stuck in traffic with my windows open wide — next to a dead skunk.  For forty minutes.

Once I finally got there, I spent the day at work thinking about what an unpleasant ride in I had had.  I told my friends in the office about the garbage truck, the cigar and the skunk.  They laughed.  Much more stupidly, though, I thought it.  Worse,  I said it.  And I said it aloud:

 “Today can’t get any worse.”

And then I went home and watched the Republican candidates debate each other in Iowa.  And it was then that I realized and said ALOUD:

HOLY SHIT!!!  Things CAN get a lot worse.  If any one of these idiots (or any of the others considering getting into the race) should become President, things will get a whole lot worse.”

I said it, and I said it ALOUD.

So, America, we’re safe.  Because through me, we have all learned our lesson.

You can thank me later.


Filed under Humor