You Heard it Here First

Someday, you guys will be considered pioneers.  The first know-it-alls.  The first to proclaim to the world that I am a sentient being.  (Or is it that I am a “senting” being in the sense that I can smell a rat?  Or maybe that I am a dog.  Whatever.)  You all will be among the first to realize that I am a genius.

Everyone else had forgotten her.  Put her out of their minds as she stayed strangely silent.  Unusually speechless.  Not at all noteworthy.  Or, perhaps she was just that tree that falls in the woods that nobody heard.

Huh?

She’s back ….

Google Image

Yup, Michele Bachmann is in the news again — saying inappropriate things about other people.

In the last couple of days, she’s said stuff that’s even gotten Speaker John Boehner, among others, trying to distance himself from her craziness.

Here’s a smidge of a write up from the SCTimes (that’s the St. Cloud Minnesota paper for those of you who aren’t up on all your acronyms):

Rep. Michele Bachmann had made fresh allegations of ties between an Islamist movement and Rep. Keith Ellison, even as Bachmann’s fellow Republicans increasingly condemn her calls to investigate the movement’s influence within the U.S. government.

In an interview with radio host Glenn Beck today, Bachmann said Ellison, the first Muslim elected to Congress, “has a long record of being associated with … the Muslim Brotherhood.”

This was, of course, after Michele also claimed that Secretary of State Hilary Clinton’s deputy chief of staff, Huma Abedin, was an infiltrator of the Muslim Brotherhood.

Does she have proof?  Of course not.  She doesn’t need proof.  She has faith!

But those meanies who are criticizing Michele, well, they don’t understand her like I do.   Those folks, like so many others, were not followers of FiftyFourAndAHalf back when I explained Michele’s problem to the world.  So they just don’t know Michele’s secret.  They don’t understand her the way I understand her.  And the way you understand her if you were one of the three people who had actually read my blog one year ago, when I explained just what happens to Michele Bachmann sometimes.

Sigh.

So here it is again.  There are of course some differences between now and then.  But please — don’t make me repeat this next summer.

From July 21, 2011 — I give you the explanation you’ve been waiting for.

TWINSIES

Me and Michele Bachmann are twinsies!  And gosh I’m excited to tell you about it.  Especially since I just learned it was true!  We share something truly special.  It’s the big story in today’s news!

Well, there are the regular, ordinary things we have in common.  We’re both women, we’re both interested in politics, and we both love to pledge allegiance to the flag!  What could be more fun at a slumber party?  What’s more, we both believe in and even PRACTICE marriage.  I would bet the interest on the national debt, though, that my husband isn’t gay.  Now that we’ve all met Michele’s, I don’t think many folks would bet that hers isn’t.  So she has lots of time for sleep-overs.

Anyway, the thing we both have most in common are migraines!  Did you read about hers?  Well I get them too!  And I can tell that they affect us both the same way.  So we all need to feel really bad that we’ve been so hard on her.  I know I do.  Because this diagnosis answers a lot of questions for me.

You see, when I get a migraine, I don’t hide in the dark under a pillow.  I don’t cringe in agony.  I don’t stay home from work, shirking all my responsibilities, waiting for time and pain to pass.

Nope.  I get stupid.

I wish I got “dumb” as in “mute.”  Then I wouldn’t look so, well, dumb.  But I don’t.   I talk even though I develop a really-not-funny-and-don’t-you-dare-laugh-at-me linguistic problem.  It’s called transient aphasia, and sometimes it comes instead of the headache.  The wrong word comes out of my mouth.  And the word that comes out isn’t even close to the one I meant to say.

For example, sometimes I tell my friends that I have a “microwave” when I’m trying to say I have a “migraine.”  They get confused.

Clearly, my new twinsie, Michele, has aphasia, too.  And since we share migraine symptoms — we’ll be BFFs!

Think about it – it must be true.  There are so many examples!  Like when she said that the first shot in the Revolutionary War was fired in “New Hampshire”?  She clearly knew that it was fired in Taxachussetts – she just had a migraine!  And you thought she was dumb.

Or when she was naming Founding Fathers, she knew that she wanted to just say “John Adams” but “Quincy” just jumped right there in the middle.  So everybody thought that she thought that John Quincy Adams was a Founding Father.  Of course she knew he was still a mere lad at the time of the Revolution, she just couldn’t say it right.  And you thought she didn’t know the names of the Founding Fathers.

And when she said that those same Founding Fathers fought tirelessly against slavery.

Clearly, she gets migraines like mine a lot.

Poor Michele.  Not everybody understands her.  Not everybody believes her.  Not everybody stops up their mouths to keep from laughing aloud when she speaks.

But I do.  Well, I do now.

So here is my pledge.  If my new BFF, Michele Bachmann, becomes President, I promise to have lots of sleep-overs at her house.  That way I’ll be sure to be with her when she acts all Commander-In-Chief-y, and needs to order the troops during a nuclear confrontation.  And when she needs to say

“STAND DOWN!”

I’ll make sure she doesn’t accidentally say

“FIRE!”

59 Comments

Filed under Elections, Humor, Hypocrisy, Law, Politics, Stupidity

59 responses to “You Heard it Here First

  1. LOL! WW and I now have a new code word: “microwave.” So now when I say the incorrect word because of one of my classic brain farts, WW has promised to whisper: “microwave.” 🙂

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  2. Aphasia, huh? I don’t get migraines, but I’ve had this “aphasia” (never knew the name) since menopause. The problem with it is that I rarely know I’ve screwed up a word until the room grows silent, and then WW leans over and gentlyy whispers: “probably best to try that word out at home before taking it for a test drive in public.” Ha!

    On a serious note, Ms. Bachmann is much more my twin than yours: she is a proud, dyed-in-the-wool, born-again Christian (as I am) and she thinks she’s on a mission from God. She is a religious fanatic (I am not). Be afraid, be very afraid. I know these people. I once lived and walked amongst them. I left with my God intact, but set fire to the rest of the nonsense. There are conspiracies everywhere for them, and MB thinks her destiny is to “expose the darkness” and that includes what she considers is the hidden agenda of our President (no pun intended). MB won’t be detered because she believes she’s been “called by God” for such a time as this. It is is horrific!

    I started my blog to join the cries in the wilderness of people who were appalled at the ignorance, the racism, and the intolerance that was being done in the name of Christ. You’ve been one of my faithful readers for a long time, so you know how ruthlessly I come againt the Bachmanns and the Palins. I have done everything I could to say, this woman and people like her are “nuts,” but they are not to be ignored or they will cause real damage that will set women’s rights, gay rights, and racial equality back 100 years.

    Keep sounding the alarm Elyse! It is much appreciated. (Well written by the way!)

    From: A Christian (but not one of THOSE Christians!)

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    • Ah Eleanor, I am so very glad you found your way to keep your faith without the craziness. You should be a model for all to follow (and I say that without a smidge of sarcasm). If only more “Christians” acted in a “Christian mannor” and not all up in your face crazy.

      You are right about Bachmann (and Palin and others of their ilk). They aren’t at all dumb. Crazy like a fox, as my dad would say. But it is up to us to throw them out of office, to prevent others like them from being elected. We somehow must get folks to pay attention. Your blog does that very well. So here we have a mutual admiration society.

      As for your aphasia, well, don’t worry about it. Just tell everyone you have a microwave. 😉

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  3. I had no idea you two were that tight. I thought you were just frenemies who tolerated each other so you could use each others’ make-up counter discounts.

    I watched her in a Q&A with a group of youth asking her why she didn’t believe gay people had the same rights to marry as straight people. Wow, brilliant response. (Paraphrasing) “They do have the same rights that straight people do. They can marry. They can marry a person of the opposite sex. They have the same right to do so.” Oh, I love logic.

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  4. What is worse? Her as a presidential candidate, her still in Congress, her on the Security Council?

    Her passing the bar and practicing law?

    People actually voting for her?

    She is not an idiot, she is frightening in her sincerity.

    Are you sure you don’t have absence seizures (form of epilepsy) with your migraines? This would cause the same problem, I suspect it is what she has as I don’t believe you can describe her complete loss of control with migraines alone.

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    • Val, I answered this comment twice already. Apparently neither response was clever enough for those Word Press bubbles, so I am trying for three!

      Sadly, I don’t think she is stupid, exactly. Delusional. Psychotic. Bat-shit crazy. Yup. All of those. She is scary. But she doesn’t make sense.

      I do (rarely) get migraines. They’ve been diagnosed as just that, with no extras. When medicine is concerned, I don’t want extras! Michele can have them, though.

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      • I was teasing with the absence seizures, I don’t want her to join my club. I agree with you she is indeed all of those things, having read her letter in total I stand by the idea she is sincere and thus frightening, goes along with all your definitions.

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        • Maybe we should glom on to the “absence” part and give her that. As in make her absent from Congress, from the GOP convention, etc. Mostly, I’d just like to make sure she is absent from all microphones!

          I wasn’t offended by your comment at all — I am getting offended at Word Press though, because each time I try to answer one of your comments (it happens routinely) in those stupid little bubbles it vanishes and I have to start again! (But Val, you are decidedly worth it!)

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  5. Please don’t say Michele Bachmann and the word President in the same sentence. I’m already nauseous today; (must be the microwave, I mean, migraine); please don’t make be barf up little broken bits of cuckoo-bird thoughts. Twinsies. Puh-lease. There couldn’t possibly be TWO of them. *shudder*

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    • Truth be told, I don’t have such a great record with my BFFs. My childhood BFF became a religious fanatic who burns books. So Michele would be a step up. Or maybe she is my childhood BFF. Oh Lord.

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  6. cooper

    when she said Quincy I thought she meant Jack Klugman…

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  7. bigsheepcommunications

    Well, I’m glad that if she’s going to be dangerously stupid (for whatever reason- be it migraines or possession of her soul by evil demons), she’s gone waaayyyyyy overboard with it. It’s the subtle forms of stupidity that are far more insidious and dangerous.

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  8. Elyse, Elyse, Elyse,,,why? Why are you torturing me this morning? She was GONE! Her and her crazy ass self were out of my life.
    Here I am reading along, sipping my coffee..happy I might add, until I saw these words..”In an interview with radio host Glenn Beck today, Bachmann said” Really? Seriously? Some things are better left unknown. I can’t read that 2 crazies are in a room together chatting up more crazy. It’s bad enough when SP surfaces!

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  9. This is the most rationale explanation I’ve seen about MB. At least instead of clinching my teeth, my empathetic side can come forth for her.

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  10. It could be the migraines…or that she’s just really, really horrible. Therefore you are not twins.

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  11. You can’t be twins. You’re better looking.

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  12. If your next migraine causes you to write an incomprehensible 16-page conspiracy theory, please get help immediately.

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    • I was thinking about this writing business just this morning and then I saw your comment.

      My aphasia doesn’t usually spill over to my writing. Michele must get really terrible migraines!

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  13. It’s Dan Quayle’s fault. He started this club of stupid politicians when he couldn’t spell tomato. Eventually, Sarah P. came padding along and Michele thought, ‘What a cool club. I want to join.’ So, there she is. Rick Santorum’s a member too. Bush Jr. is the president of the club. Didn’t you know?

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    • I take it back to Reagan. And while he wasn’t stupid, he certainly encouraged stupidity. Especially in folks working for the government.

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  14. John Erickson

    I’ll make you feel better – WE are the twins, you and I. “Water pot” substitutes for dehumidifier, “sleep room” for bedroom, and the word “thingy” gets an AWFUL lot of mileage in my house. Besides, this way, you can still say the wrong things, and feel smart – I once tested at 136 for my IQ, while on about 40-50 milligrams of Vicodin. (Yeah, nobody else could figure out how that worked either.)
    So you’re saying that having strong enough faith makes something so? Maybe if we all have faith she disappeared a year ago, it will come true? PLEASE?!? 😀 (C’mon, I need this! Throw me a rope! Or “long thingy you tie around other things”, in migraine-speak. 😉 )

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    • Perhaps, John, if we all pray really, really hard, Michele Bachmann will simply vanish into that microphone in the sky!

      But John, your words are remarkably similar to the real ones. I’m not sure if you can be my twinsie.

      I once had to have lunch with a new employee when I got a sudden migraine. She thought I was an idiot. Or that I had lots of microwaves …

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      • John Erickson

        Sorry, I still insist were twinsies. You deal in quality, I deal in quantity. (Though I think one of my “best” was when asking for a space heater – “the thingy that makes things not cold”. Even my loving wife gave me a “WTF?!?” kinda stare….)

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        • OK. You can be my twin. Unless you run for office on a stupidity platform. Then I will disown you.

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          • John Erickson

            Jon Stewart gives me support for you being my twin, or actually, for a better explanation of Bachmann’s problem. He says her mouth is like the bus in “Speed”, and if it doesn’t keep flapping away saying stupid stuff, her whole head will explode. 😉
            And that means DirecTV has finally given me Comedy Central back! YEA! 😀

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  15. This is one scary lady. I can’t believe some people actually listen to her.

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    • And that they vote for her. Who is dumber, the candidate or the folks who vote for her? (I always think that idiots who vote for idiots deserve what they get — trouble is we non-idiots get stuck with these clowns, too.)

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      • Right. Too bad idiots seem to make up more than half the population.

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        • They did in 2010 — but not in 2006 and 2008 🙂

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          • Um, as far as I can tell that was the case for all three years.

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            • No. In 2010 the put a whole bunch of Tea Partiers into office, completely stymieing the entire process. (That’s my fault. I work elections and I took that one off. My bad.)

              Of course I didn’t mention the idiocy of 2000 and 2004 ….

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              • Ha ha. Really? Bush sucked but I can’t imagine Al Gore or John Kerry doing any better.

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                • Well, for starters, Al Gore would have read the infamous August 6, 2001 memo ‘Bin Laden determined to attack inside the United States,’ memorandum. And then we can take it from there.

                  Both Al Gore and John Kerry had been in Vietnam. They knew war first hand, unlike Bush who was a chicken hawk — fully supporting the war but using connections to stay out of the fighting. So neither of them would have invaded Iraq for non-existent weapons of mass destruction. None of them would have fabricated ties between Iraq and Al Qaeda that did not exist.

                  It would have been very different.

                  I keep saying this: elections matter.

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                  • You can only assume things would’ve been different. Just as you assume Al Gore can read and that if he could read that he would’ve read and acted on the memorandum.

                    Everything you state is pure conjecture. Sure things would probably be different, but you can’t positively say the things you say would happen definitely would have happened.

                    Face it. Bush won two elections because people perceived that he was a better choice than Gore and Kerry. Knowing what an idiot Bush is, what does that say about them?

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  16. Tagged as ASSHOLES, GOP, HUMOR, M

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    • Yeah, it’s often difficult to decide the order of things, isn’t it!

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    • Something happened to the keys (see above) on my computer: stupidity works better than any other excuse. What I started to say was….you tagged your post ASSHOLES, GOP, HUMOR, MICHELE BACHMANN, STUPIDITY, WASHINGTON….a shorthand version (crib notes) of your post. I’d like to add that the HUMOR (overall and in general…the entire media, campaign, rhetoric, etc. circus…or what started out to be humorous (overall and in general…media, campaign, rhetoric, etc.) is getting to be…humorous not so much.

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  17. Lord help us if Ms Bachmann gets elected president.

    Did you read yesterday that Ed Rollins, her presidential campaign manager, said that she does sometimes have trouble with her facts.

    I think I’m just as scared of her district as I am of her… they keep sending her back, so there must be a high concentration of #BatCrapCrazy in her neighborhood.

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    • John, I am hopeful that she is out for good, or for at least four years, anyway. She is so scarily stupid, isn’t she?

      Her district is probably full of uneducated folks who accept the garbage she feeds them. Our job is to start educating folks to think about the person behind the name on that ballot? Who the hell are they and what the hell do they believe?

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      • I once believed all this #BatCrapCraziness had to be someone’s idea of a joke, but this is no joke. This #Sh*t is serious. Deadly serious. Ain’t no one laughing now.

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