You may be fond of them, but me, I don’t like assholes. Not at all. They scare me sometimes, because truthfully I’m pretty sure it’s a disease; they can’t help themselves. I call it “assholism.” And it appears to be contagious. Worse, it seems to be striking in the most affluent of regions here in Northern Virginia.
There are some obvious symptoms.
Cigars. I mean, look who smokes the disgusting things:
And of course, our favorite conservative:
Yes, anyone guilty of intentionally lighting up one of these babies has assholism. They stink. And you can’t tell me that the folks who smoke them don’t know that. They don’t care if you don’t like it. If it makes you and the rest of the folks in the room want to puke, well, that’s your problem.
Them? They’re just
being assholes ill. They need treatment. An exploding cigar would be my prescription. Or a rocket ship to another planet. One way.
Hummers. Yup, Hum-Vees. Another symptom. Especially if the owner has a cutesy license plate that says “Just HumN” or “HUMTHIS” or has an American Flag decal on the back. Yup. Assholism.
[A few years ago the JD Power survey of car owners identified that Hummer owners are not just assholes, but that they are idiots, too. The biggest complaint of Hummer owners? The Poor Gas Mileage. Um, sir? You bought a TANK.]
But today, in the Washington Post, I read about a family with the worst case of assholism I have ever heard of. Yes, it’s true. You can read about it here. Or you can just trust me to tell you what symptoms they’re showing. It’s dreadful. Truly frightening. People will be rushing from the movie theaters en masse when they learn about it.
Because the folks in this story suffer from that awful combination syndrome of assholism AND “Environmental I-don’t-get-it-ism.”
Because this family wiped out 5 acres of trees across the street from a U.S. National Park to build a 25,424-square-foot mansion modeled on the Palace of Versailles. They will call it The Chateau De Lumiere.
I really hope they can find a cure for assholism soon. Before someone starts building pyramids.