As I’ve told you, comedy always comes in threes. And today? Today was a veritable shamrock of humor. And you know what? Just when I had had a long lapse in providing all of you with the information that brings you here, it was all poop-related humor.
You’re welcome. It’s my new years’ gift for you.
It started just as soon as I got up and, ummmm, and checked the news headlines. I learned that the Japanese are wiping up. Literally. They are supplying antiseptic wipes for your phone in public bathrooms. Now, I personally wipe my phone quite frequently, so I actually thought this was a great idea, right out of the, ummm, gate.
But then I saw that they provide video instructions. On how to use toilets, different butt wiping techniques, and step-by-step guides for how to wipe your phone.
I know you didn’t click on that. But you should have. At first, I admit that I only watched part of it, because I consider myself a toilet expert. Nobody does the elephant or the horse style better than (or as often as) me. However, the full international experience is worth your 2:11.
You know what? The day got better.
Because I also learned about special-use mittens. They are wet-wipes in the shape of mittens to keep your hands clean while wiping. They’re called “Shittens.” Really! Here’s the product description:
If there’s one great universal truth that we can all agree on, it’s this: No one wants poop on their hands.
And yet, we laugh carelessly in the face of danger every time we take an old fashioned wet wipe to our heinies, flying completely blind in the critical poop-to-hand spatial relation.
How many times have you taken one of those substandard wet wipes to the posterior of a child, risking major contamination from that flailing poop cloth? And how many times has your dog’s “number two” been a little closer to a number one “and a half”, requiring a deadly grab & pull maneuver with whatever’s laying around? Enough is enough!
With new Shittens, you can fully protect your hands while tending to the dirty deed.
If you’re 12, or are generally short on bathroom humor, just go to the Shittens’ Amazon Q&A page/Customer reviews. You won’t be disappointed.
Lastly, I read an article that might just give me nightmares:
A woman called Animal Control last week after she found a snake in a toilet in an Arlington County apartment. To repeat: She. Found. A. Snake. In. A. Toilet.
Photo Credit: Arlington County Animal Shelter.
At a minimum, it will make me use the buddy system whenever I skip to my loo.
The snake is a juvenile Yellow Anaconda. Researcher that I am, I looked up Yellow Anaconda snakes. Here’s what I learned:
They belong to the family of snakes, Boidae, which contains pythons, boas and the green anaconda, the world’s largest snake. Even though yellow anacondas are much smaller their cousin the green anaconda (Eunectes murinus), they can reach a length of up to 4.6 meters, but the average adult size is around 3 meters. [Shit, I had to underline that.]
Thanks for the info, Snake Facts!
All I can say is that if I found a large snake (or even a small snake, now that I think about it) in my toilet, I wouldn’t call the animal shelter. I’d call Amazon for a shitload of Shittens.
Because it would be “cleanup on aisle 3,” for sure.
FiftyFourandAHalf 
My curiosity was piqued, and I did, in fact, click on the video. Have sent it to my significant other for a laugh or two! Love this post! So full of potty humour! 😀
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That’s my life in a nutshell!
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With 7 cats, it is pretty much mine too 😀
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People get bitten by snakes in their toilets fairly regularly… (Ha, see what I did there?)… in many parts of Asia.
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You’re a hoot and a half, Art.
And in many parts of Asia they use outhouses (that come with snakes at no extra charge) or have no facilities at all. So I shouldn’t complain but if I find a snake in my upscale house I will.
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The main reason is that snakes are more common in Southeast Asia.
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That makes you funny?!?!
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It does?
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Oh, Elyse, if only you knew what I have planned for a future post. I can’t do it right away because I just did the Fart Patio episode from Portlandia. People will think I’m obsessed, possessed, or you! 😉
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I’ll look forward to that post, Lorna. But I know that everybody is waiting for poop posts with baited breath. 😷
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The poo pourri commercials are a better watch. And they’re a sensation. 38M views so far.
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Yes, they are great, and I’ve watched them and posted them. I need some variety with this shit, Mark! 🚽
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That stuff works. Take it from me.
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I know, but it is very perfume-y. My husband is allergic to things that smell good. So we use Pootin, which also works but isn’t so perfume-y.
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I can’t believe we’re having this discussion.
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Welcome to my life.
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Bwahaha! Except for the snake part – shudder, shudder. I usually look into the toilet first for just such a possibility.
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Shudder is right! I am thinking that maybe seeing one would cure my Crohn’s — I’d never sit down again!
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Speaking of wildlife in the bathroom, last night I was finishing a nice, long, hot shower, reached up to the shower-head and, before I touched it, noticed a wasp walking around the edge. In my bathroom! In Illinois! Where it’s 7 degrees!
This isn’t the first one I’ve caught in that bathroom in the last month, but he was definitely the most alert – probably all the hot steam. We must have a nest in the attic and they’re randomly coming through the heat duct. One more, damn thing to take care of.
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Ugh. Homeownership is SOOOOO overrated!
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That is a really great video. Japanese culture is fascinating to me (I’m 1/4 Japanese, but I never got to know my Japanese grandmother very well).
I found a snake under the rim of the toilet seat once when I was a kid. Oh yeah, it was in an outhouse, that’s relevant. I never again used the outhouse without checking thoroughly under the toilet seat.
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I think that finding a snake might just cure my Crohn’s! How tough you must have been to have that attitude! I don’t mind snakes, but there’s no critter I want to moon!
Glad you liked the bit of cultural heritage I provided!
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Elyse, I’m with you regarding the snake in the toilets. Since I started reading about this happening (especially in NYC), I always look in a toilet before I do my business. Also, I really like those mitten wipes!
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I always look too, Eleanor, but never expecting a snake. Some yellow drips, perhaps, but NOT yellow scales!
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I’d never heard of elephant style or horse-tail style before. I prefer monkey style. I won’t explain it. It’s hard to describe.
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Poop expert that I am, I know exactly what monkey style is. In fact, I learned about it when my boss described seeing a monkey do it while she was with the health minister of a European country. He got hit in the face, monkey style.
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Yuck. I would never do that to a health minister.
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He needed to come down a few pegs, I’m guessing.
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After watching that video, all I can think of is that when Japanese people come to America and use the “facilities” they must think we are cretins! It would probably explain a lot about the election to them.
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Especially men’s rooms. Yuck!
And yes, shit explains Trump quite well. Sigh.
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Yes, we all watched the video! It was informational…sorta. Now I have names for my wiping styles. That bumping and grinding was kinda odd — warmed up my loins. Still looking for poo pourri (have a coupon you know!) Looking for a pill that vaporizes poop as soon as it leaves the body. You are the queen of all things poop-related!
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You can get poo-Pourri at Bed, Bath and Beyond … even in a personal purse size spray. It’s really very purfummy. There is also Pootin — as in Vladimir. That works well without the scent. Hard to find, though.
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Ha ha…Well…welcome to Japan ! ☺ Of course, we are watching that video. The music works well. 💖
Side note..FYI….those tissue seat covers in the U.S. are made from the exact material as makeup blotting tissue, for considerable less cost. $$$
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When I first read that last line, I thought you meant that the screen wipes were the same, which sounded fairly vile … dual purpose?!? Yuck. Glad I re-read it.
I am surprised at how many people DID watch the video. It is hilarious, but still, it depends on where one is when reading!
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Thank you for the new year gift. Happy New Year!
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Would you expect any different kind of gift from moi, Jaded?
Happy New Year to you too.
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What can I say. OF COURSE I watched the video. The sound effects were particularly fabulous. (And I can’t wait to try the Tornado.) As always, Elyse, I am so grateful that you keep me au courant on all the poop news that’s fit to… er… wow–did I ever lose control of THAT metaphor…)
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That is the problem with poop metaphors, Barb. They often fly all over the place and land on somebody’s toothbrush.
You and your travel buddies need to take a trip to Japan, I’m thinking.
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Ha, so after doing my first blog post in a while a couple of days ago, I decided this morning to do a little round of visits to some of the blogs I follow to see what all the peeps have been up to. I tend to do this in a fairly random way. I started with Lorna as she had left a comment on my post and I hadn’t been to hers for a long time, clicked on her and found a post about farts there, farts! Then I saw your name in the comments on her post, clicked on you and found a post about poop here! What’s going on with y’all? I’m a bit worried about what I might find next…
Happy New Year to you by the way 🙂
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Just thinking about our new leader, I guess!
Happy new year!
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Elyse, the very fact that you are so willing to share your knowledge of all things poo related is just one of the heartwarming reasons I seek out your posts. I am now filled with undeniably accurate information should I ever accidentally find myself in a Japanese bathroom and I feel so prepared. I also really truly want a package of those Shittens. They are awesome!
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Deb, I have for years expected to know everything there is to know about poo, but I am constantly surprised. There is always more to know (just as there is always more to do, if you know what I mean).
The Shittens really crack me up. Imagine the elevator speech in trying to get funding for the company. “Well, sir, have you ever gotten poop on your hands …”
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The Tornado, the Grind, the Float, and the Sumo–Ha! I’ll never think of those four words quite the same ever again. 😄
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Especially when you consider that I think these “showers” are found in public restrooms. MEN’S! The upside of using a spray for cleaning is missing on me!
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Omg. I watched that video! From now on I will refer to wipes as elephant style or trunk style. I appreciate that the smart phone wipes are flushable. Now if only they could make a maxi pad that could flush! Hell, they make shittens. Why not a flushable maxi?!??!!?!
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If they can make Shittens, they should be able to make anything!
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Seriously, though, I am buying a box right now for the next gift exchange at the office.
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Maybe you should get an extra box for the EHR rep!
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Good idea…. 🙂
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I can’t wait to buy some shittens, do a #2 (after checking for snakes…OF COURSE) and then trying them out! Weeee! So much fun! Ha!
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You ARE an incurable dreamer! I highly recommend the Amazon link. I was laughing so hard I couldn’t even explain it to my husband!
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According to Amazon, we are all walking around with fecal matter on our hands and are lacking emotional peace of mind. I have never cried or felt unstable when wiping my ass, but maybe my experience could be so much better with some Shittens…SOLD!! 😀 💩
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Actually we ARE. Covered in fecal matter, that is. Emotional peace of mind doesn’t usually come with a bowel movement!
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Ha!
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Shittens? Really? On Amazon? Let me guess, when you buy them you get a pop-up that tells you that you might also enjoy a Squatty Potty (as seen on TV) and a bottle of Poo-Pourri (the before-you-go toilet spray). Skip to the loo? LOL. No wonder women always go to the bathroom in pairs, one has to be the look-out for snakes. 🙂
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It is quite a handful, this post, I can see that you agree! 😉
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Oh yeah, or maybe two hands, if I have to handle a Whopper. 🙂
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I did watch it. All I can say is that I sure hope that guy has more than one suit – and maybe a second pair of shoes.
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I thought the exact same thing! Obviously, we are on the same wavelength!
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve thanked my lucky stars that if I’m gonna have a chronic disease, at least I have one that I can laugh about. Mostly…
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Ditto.
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I know. There just isn’t much to add, is there. 😉
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It was such a nice read
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And you can read it anywhere. Wink wink!
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