So you thought I was a more or less law abiding citizen, except for when I bribe French government officials. In fact, reality is far worse.
Because on Election Day, November 8, 2016, I will be in an undisclosed polling booth, watching. And I’ve even been trained for this nefarious activity. In fact, I’m one of the folks Donald Trump is so concerned will “rig” the election.
It’s true. A coordinated effort has been made by the Democratic Party. You see, on Saturday, I went to a class where my fellow instigators and I learned what to do. And “fixing” an election is as easy as taking candy from a baby.
What did we learn?
Well, you may have to cover your ears/eyes/heart. Because it is evil unbridled.
- Study the Virginia voting regulations. They include information on acceptable forms of ID, what to do if a voter’s name on ID doesn’t match the one on the roll (if a woman got married, for instance, or if there is a slight misspelling), or the voter has moved, etc. The regs say what is legal and what is not.
- Arrive at undisclosed polling precinct obscenely early (5-f’ing:15).
- Bring baked goods.
- Observe the non-partisans set up the voting machines.
- Check that all voting machines register “0” prior to the doors opening to voters at 6.
- Share baked goods.
- Watch as they open the doors promptly at 6.
- Monitor that voters are not hindered from voting.
- Assist the election official (the “Chief”) in instances where the voter has a problem — incorrect ID, came to the wrong precinct, not registered, name or address doesn’t match the voter list. We learned how to ensure that the Chief follows the regulations. As legal folks, we understand how to read the regs.
- When appropriate, let the Chief and/or voter know what alternate IDs are valid.
- If necessary and there is no legitimate way for the voter to cast a regular vote, have him/her cast a provisional ballot.
- Make sure nobody who has cast an absentee ballot votes again.
- Monitor the length of the line, let Dem HQ know if there are problems.
- Ensure the voting machines are working. Let Dem HQ know if there are problems.
- Enjoy baked goods, lunch, coffee and bathroom breaks when possible.
- Repeat.
Nefarious, no? Downright wicked. The evil continues all day until the polls close at 7 p.m. Then comes the fun stuff.
- Make sure that anyone in line at closing time is allowed to vote. That’s the rule.
- Ensure that the officials close and lock the door once everybody in line has voted.
- Verify that the number of voters who checked in = the number of votes cast (adjust for provisional ballots cast, naturally).
- Ensure that the Chief contacts the Secretary of State and reports the correct number of ballots cast for each candidate and the tally for any ballot initiatives voted on. Presidential. Congressional, local, ballot initiatives.
- Collect personal items.
- Go home.
Try to stay awake long enough to learn who won the election.
My badge from last time with my friend, Rigger.
I should tell you that when I did this in 2012, there was one incident. I’m sure you’ll agree it was obviously voter fraud.
An 86 year old woman came in to vote, but had already voted absentee. She forgot she’d voted already. She had trouble walking and had been dropped off at the voting station by her daughter. “Oh, I guess you’re right,” she said when told she had voted already. “I forget things sometimes.” I called her daughter for her on my cell phone, and the woman and I chatted as she waited, eating baked goods.
*****
There are poll observers from both parties at many polling stations across the country. It is one of the ways that our system ensures the integrity of the vote. As a man I respect and admire said earlier today:
WASHINGTON — President Obama said Tuesday that Donald J. Trump should “stop whining and go try to make his case to get votes.”
Speaking at a Rose Garden news conference with Matteo Renzi, the Italian prime minister, Mr. Obama also called it “unprecedented” for any presidential candidate to “discredit the elections” before any votes were even cast, as Mr. Trump has done repeatedly in recent days.
“One of the great things about America’s democracy is we have a vigorous, sometimes bitter political contest, and when it’s done, historically, regardless of party, the person who loses the election congratulates the winner, reaffirms our democracy and we move forward,” Mr. Obama said.
Speaking of the tradition of a peaceful transfer of power after presidential elections, Mr. Obama said, “That’s how democracy survives.”
“I have never seen in my lifetime or in modern political history, any presidential candidate trying to discredit the elections and the election process before votes have even taken place,” Mr. Obama said. “It’s unprecedented. It happens to be based on no facts.”
Elections Matter.
Vote on November 8
Make sure you know where to vote and have appropriate ID in states where ID is required.
FiftyFourandAHalf 
Rigga please.
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I spend election day rounding up votes from outlying cemeteries.
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Good man!
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Dear Lord, We are in such an awful mess. I pray the Republican Party will do something about their Presidential candidate [send him home and lock him in his penthouse with an ankle bracelet], preferably until the end of time. Our country has become a laughing stock but like you, I will take my ID and vote. Unfortunately, most people in Arkansas are hard to convince that it’s not Bill that’s actually on the ticket and this bothers me a great deal.
For the record, I don’t care what Bill did in his private and personal life. He balanced our budget and kept out of war. What more can we expect from a President?
Sheri
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I agree completely!
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This sounds very boring and too politically correct. The more exciting approach to preventing voter fraud is to get together with all my crazy friends and relatives who own guns and stand guard with our firearms outside polling places, while suspiciously eyeing everyone who goes in.
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I love sarcasm… good job
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😘
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wheeeeeeeeeeee
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I’m going to be away on November 8th and have ALREADY VOTED via absentee ballot. Care to guess who’s name I ticked? I hope I can find a nice, warm bar on election night to watch the returns. I hope a crazed Trump supporter doesn’t shoot the place up when the inevitable occurs.
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Good for you. You voted for Gary Aleppo? 😏
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But I don’t want you to get shot so choose your bar very carefully.
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Actually, the Republicans have been disenfranchising minority communities in various ways for some years now. If that isn’t voter fraud, I don’t know what is.
Are you sure those baked goods aren’t bribery?
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Yes, THAT is the real problem, the disenfranchising. But of course the guys who are going for Trump don’t see it that way.
Baked goods are excellent bribes. There is no evidence left!
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Just a bit of excess weight, and anything could be to blame for that. I use the same system myself.
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I hope the Trumpet sleeps better knowing you and Rigger are on the job. I know I will.
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Trump will be tweeting all night, no doubt.
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I assume that there will also be election volunteers from the Trump side, who would enter the voting booth behind every voter to make sure they’re not casting any fraudulent votes for Hillary Clinton.
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That is a concern, for sure. I think they will more likely be outside with their guns. Scary. I hope all will be peaceful.
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If not, save the baked goods!!
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They’ll be gone.
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Leave the gun. Take the cannoli.
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Actually I plan to make pumpkin bread. That way we can slice apart the Big Orange.
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Occasionally they do change, but that’s rare. You can check at I will vote.com if you want to make sure. My place hasn’t changed in 14 years!
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Thanks for all the tips and reminders. I don’t ever remember my precinct number, but the same people have been volunteering for so long that I recognize them and know I’m at the right table. Will be with you in spirit on Nov 8. 🙂
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I never realized how sleazy you are until now. I mean, “bathroom breaks?” We all know what Hillary did at her bathroom break, and it was disgusting. At least you’re a little more transparent about it.
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Opaque, actually. 🚽
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Typical liberal… you should have cuffed the 86-year-old and called the police.
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Dragged her by the hair!
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Perfect. Let’s all riggit.
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Hope you enjoy all those baked goods.
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😝
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I remember 2000.
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Me too!
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Those checks and balances are just a big ploy to get people to think that the voting is real voting. Trump knows better.
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True. He has more legal knowledge in one of his tiny fingers …
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very teeny tiny.
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We know what Sniffy McSniffypants has been grabbing with his tiny little fingers, and it’s not the law.
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😂
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