October 9, 2016 · 0:00
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Tic Tacs are the Mint of All Evil

Yesterday, Tic Tac USA condemned Donald Trump’s use of their products to “score” with women.

tic-tacs

Today, I have my own Tic Tac crime to report.  I firmly believe that without Tic Tacs, Donald Trump would not be the scumbag he is today.

*****

An International Life of Crime

When we got Cooper in 1998, we owned a Toyota Picnic, a little six seat van not available in the U.S.  It was kind of a vomit van, actually, because it was well known to induce vomiting by anyone who traveled with us.  We kept a large supply of cleaning supplies with us at all times.

Anyway, I read an article about how, if you stop suddenly, while traveling at 60 mph, a 50 lb Springer Spaniel dog — exactly MY DOG will travel significantly faster as he flies through the car.  He will, in fact, become a projectile and might end up killing your kid.

Now I liked the dog a lot even at that early stage.  But I didn’t really relish the idea of the dog killing my kid to whom I was quite attached.  So, to scorn and jeers from John, I bought Cooper a special doggie seat belt that attached to the seatbelt of the seat behind the driver’s.

Cooper, however, did not approve.  I presume I hadn’t adequately educated him on the importance of self-restraint.  Because he ate his restraint.  In fact, he had started eating the seatbelt too when I realized what was happening and released the rebel.  He then happily sat wherever he wanted in the back of the vomit van.

Fortunately, Cooper hadn’t really done much damage to the seatbelt.  There were only a few bites taken out of it; it worked perfectly well and was not a safety hazard.

But when we moved across the border into France a couple of years later, well, we had to have the car inspected.  And the French car inspectors are famous for flunking Americans.  According to my husband, anyway.  I faced the villains alone.

Now, before you jump all over my husband for sending me into the lion’s den, well there is something you should know.  My husband cannot lie.  He cannot stretch the truth.  He cannot exaggerate.  Worse in this case, he would not have been able to restrain himself from explaining to the inspector that it really was not a safety issue.

Me, well, I’m different.  I grew up getting away with high crimes and misdemeanors.  I rarely got caught, and when I did, well, I got out of it. I’ve had practice.

So whenever we needed to deal with the French government, well, it was all up to me.

I drove to wherever it was, produced my paperwork, and waited my turn.  Truthfully, I was nervous.  I didn’t want to have to spend $1 zillion replacing a seat belt (car repairs in Switzerland/France are tres cher).  So I fidgeted with the container of mints in my pocket.  Tic Tacs.

When my turn came, I was outside with the inspector, chatting to him.  He was a young guy, and was nice and helpful as I tried to have a chatty conversation with him in my pigeon French. In fact, he couldn’t have been nicer to me.

Plus, the car was in great shape, clean and nearly perfectly maintained.  He found nothing wrong on the outside.  Then he opened the front passenger side, and tested the seat belt.  He closed the door and went to the rear passenger seat, and tested that one.

I started to sweat.  The chewed one was next.

He went around and opened the rear driver’s side door.  And that’s when I did it.

“Tic Tac?” I asked him, holding out the container.

“Oui, merci, madame,” he responded, closing that door without looking at the damaged seat belt.  He took a Tic Tac, and proceeded to inspect the driver’s seat belt.

My car passed inspection with flying colors.

And I continued to live a life of crime in France, just outside of Geneva for two more years.

*****

This is a replay of an old story. But How could I resist in light of the news about Donald Trump and how he was forced to be a cad and a boor and a truly disgusting human being.

Because of Tic Tacs.

tic-tacs-2Google Image

32 Comments

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32 responses to “Tic Tacs are the Mint of All Evil”

  1. Pingback: Call Me “Rigger” on Election Day | FiftyFourandAHalf

  2. pouringmyartout
    October 10, 2016 at 0:00

    First the Trumps ruined Skittles, and now this…

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply
  3. snakesinthegrass2014
    October 10, 2016 at 0:00

    Love this. But still glad I’m more of an Altoid guy.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  4. mercyn620
    October 9, 2016 at 0:00

    I won’t hold Tic Tacs responsible for Trump, but don’t know if I can ever take a Tic Tac again without thinking about his outburst. Ugh.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  5. Tippy Gnu
    October 9, 2016 at 0:00

    Face it. The most trustworthy people are those with bad breath.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  6. Kitt O'Malley
    October 9, 2016 at 0:00

    Merci beaucoup for a good laugh. You have fabulous timing, both comedic and strategic (just at the right time, then and now).

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  7. silkpurseproductions
    October 9, 2016 at 0:00

    The art of distraction…you are a master. I should be working right now, but got distracted by your Tic Tac tale.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  8. Melanie McNeil
    October 9, 2016 at 0:00

    trump will not get any Halloween candy. All Mars products are unavailable to him. And now TicTacs.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  9. Just Joan
    October 9, 2016 at 0:00

    This story brought a smile to my face. My dog did the exact same thing a few years ago. I had left him alone in the car while I ran into the grocery store for a few things. It was cold enough (February) that he didn’t want the windows down. When I returned, there was a note under my windshield wiper–apparently, he had been turning the headlights and turn signals on and off, much to the amusement of the note-leaver. He was kind enough to turn them off before the battery went dead. Although the knobs were still functional, the plastic tips of both were mangled. I scolded him, but was relieved the damage was no worse. I went to buckle my seatbelt and found that he had chewed 90% of the way through it; it was hanging by a thread. The passenger front and rear belts were similarly damaged. He had gotten only a start on the driver rear belt. Unable to find used/junkyard belts, I relented and had the Honda dealership order me new ones. All told, it was almost $1000. I never leave him alone in the car now, at any time of the year, not even for a minute. He has cultivated a taste for seatbelts and will gnaw on them at any opportunity. I wish I could bribe him with Tic Tacs to leave them alone, but he is not interested in anything that would improve his breath. The Honda guys said they’d never heard of such a thing happening before. Thanks for making me and the pup feel less alone. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply
  10. List of X
    October 9, 2016 at 0:00

    Well, that does it! I’m switching my vote for president from you to Hillary. She seems to be the only one not implicated in some kind of a Tic Tac-related crimes.

    Liked by 3 people

    Reply
  11. wackywelshbird
    October 9, 2016 at 0:00

    Did you just shake your tic tacs at me?! Love this story; can just picture the dog, and your opportunistic distraction of the inspector, haha. x

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  13. barbtaub
    October 9, 2016 at 0:00

    I was THIS CLOSE to giving up Tic Tacs. But thanks to you, I’m off to buy a big supply. This has ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with the time my dog went insane and ate all the seatbelts in the rear of my husband’s car, and everything to do with being prepared if she does it again in mine.

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply
  14. notquiteold
    October 9, 2016 at 0:00

    Very cool story. Distraction is always a good move.
    And by the way, isn’t it interesting that now TWO candies have had to disavow their relationship with the Trumps: Skittles and TicTacs?

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

Play nice, please.