Like many Americans, I’m overweight. Mostly I’ve accepted what I look like. At least I do until someone pulls out a camera. Then I use my handy line:
“Do I have time for liposuction?”
Sadly, there’s never enough time for liposuction; they usually take the picture anyway. And when I see it I wish someone would suck away the extra bits and bobs.
Few things make me laugh harder than the idea of liposuction. I first learned of it in 1986. I was in the reception area of one of my then-clients, chatting with his secretary, Cindy, a constant dieter, when she announced:
“Did you know you can vacuum your fat away?” Cindy told me. “It’s a thing called Lip-O-Suction. They stick this little gizmo in your fat lumps and vacuum the fat out!”
“Why diet when you can vacuum!” I replied. Me and Cindy laughed and laughed. You just can’t tell me it isn’t a hilarious image: Women lining up in front of the Hoover before a date.
Eureka! Or is it Hoover? Sllluuuppppppp Google Image
Now, though, there is a weight loss gadget that makes even liposuction pale in silliness. Because folks have been busily inventing even sillier ways to get folks thin. Or thinner. Or, to totally disrupt their GI tract.
Introducing The Aspire Assist. A personal stomach pump. Yeah, I thought they were making it up, too.
Photo credit: Aspirebariatrics.com. But I found it at the article referenced below
The Aspire Assist helps with weight loss because it empties up to 30% of the contents of your stomach into the toilet. Before it reaches the inside or the outside of your butt. Before that cherry pie becomes love handles. Before those abs look more like a case than a six-pack.
According to this article here’s how it works.
Patients have a tube inserted into their stomachs then threaded out through an incision in the abdomen and capped with a poker chip–sized “Skin Port” valve.[…] Twenty minutes after eating breakfast, lunch, and dinner, the patient attaches a handheld device to the Skin Port and empties 30 percent of the contents of his or her stomach into the toilet.
Twenty minutes is enough time for your brain to be convinced that you are full, but not enough time for your stomach to digest the food, the inventors say, and that means 30 percent of the calories from your meal magically disappear.
Sounds too good to be true, ammirite? You can have all the benefits of bulimia without puking! Whoo-hoo!
Of course, as a fake medical professional, I have questions:
- Can the Aspire Assist discriminate? I mean, can it choose to pull the ice cream out and leave the broccoli to work its way through my GI tract system?
- Can it pull the pasta but leave the protein and the vitamins?
- Can it please suck out the wine I drink so that I can be less of a cheap date?
Go ahead. I dare you to watch this. (I didn’t. Ewwwwww.)
I bet you didn’t play that video. I’ll also wager you’re not gonna get an Aspire Assist. anybody who has read this far is of above-average intelligence and has a seriously awesome sense of humor.
Some funny things should be enjoyed but definitely not be taken to heart. Or to stomach. Or drained into the toilet.
And some are just too weird to believe.
FiftyFourandAHalf 
This is wrong in so many ways. I don’t even know where to start, other than to say that even though I need to lose about 60lbs, this is not an option.
I did see an article (though I only skimmed it), about something new, that’s similar to lipo, though its done with lasers – supposedly less intrusive, less risky. But, I didn’t read it too closely as I’m certain its an expense my insurance wouldn’t cover.
I just need to get off my butt and at least start walking every day.
I’ll work on cutting out the cupcakes later….
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That’s my situation too — although with Duncan, I do walk a lot. I guess I am just keeping it from getting worse …
But the idea of these things — oh my!
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I prefer to go low-tech and retire to my Roman-style vomitorium after every meal.
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A classic! Although you do need servants to clean it up because ewwwwww
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Interesting piece, Elyse. I’ll admit, I didn’t watch the video. I’ve seen more procedures on Tom the past couple of years than I ever hope to have to witness again. I agree, we’ll do almost anything to lose weight – but insert something into my stomach and drain it – well, that’s not going to happen. I’ve been on every diet known to mankind and many I’ve made up myself but none has worked as well as eating proper amounts of the food allowances for my diabetes. Add in the exercise component and I maintain my weight. It’s not easy but it’s the most sensible thing I’ve ever known.
This is a great blog and gave me a lot to think about and I bet the same goes for others.
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People will do some strange things! Good for you being able to maintain!
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As an aside Elyse I just did a guest post over at Mark Bialczak’s and I would be honored if you had the time to drop by. Thank You. https://markbialczak.com/2016/06/19/janices-bicyle/comment-page-1/#comment-80839
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This is where we fall to with all our convincing ourselves we can never be to f’ng skinny. Gawd, what a mess of stupid.
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Literally a mess as well as figuratively! 💩
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You have got to be kidding me. I don’t even have words..lol
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I know. I have fat, but not words 😉 Sorry I missed this comment!
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Ha me too. No worries.
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Okay, this is right up there with choosing to have a tapeworm for weight loss or sewing that prickly strip onto your tongue so it physically hurts to eat and all you can do is suck down some liquids. Yes, you’ll lose weight, but at what cost!!?? For me the answer would be: my sanity. That’s the cost.
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My sanity is worth those 30 lbs!!! At least. Isn’t this the craziest idea?!?!?!
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The absolute craziest, grossest thing yet. They might as well suggest you have a permanent flap installed so you could remove your stomach, dump it out, and then re-attach it everyday. Thanks for bringing this to our attention though – I need these markers to remind me that no matter what I think or I do, I’m not THAT crazy.
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That’s a pretty low bar. But that is why I like it!
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Sometime in the future, probably not too far away, side effects will raise concerns about this device, lawsuits will ensue, and we read heartbreaking stories about how some individuals thought this was the answer to all their problems…
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And I will, thankfully, be disqualified from working on this particular litigation because of this post!!!
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Oh my, imagination the complication rate such a thing would incur. See? This is where my mind goes. Well, at least 30% of it. 😉
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Institutionalized bulimia, with no need for breath mints! I’m there with you, Carrie, with the side effects. But I am sure that the line will be out the door for these things!
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Probably so. Scary.
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If you’re putting a machine on your body that pumps the contents of your stomach into the toilet three times a day, why not just have an attached liposuction machine to instead suck out any new fat, say, once a week?
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That’s the entrepreneurial skill we need in this country to Make America Great Again. MAGA.
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Not enough guts to watch the video (no pun intended). I think they have newer things than lipo like radio frequency waves that melt the fat away. I saw flyers but don’t know anyone who did it (or will admit it). I like you question about how you can keep in the good stuff and throw out the bad stuff.
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Whatever happened to plain old moderation of diet & little exercise tossed in for good health! Didn’t watch the video, can barely look at the liposuction picture!
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Oh Arrgh, Arrgh, Arrrgh. Gag! The only thing I could think was to put the hose back into the mouth and the food could go round and round and round – it would be cheaper. How’s that for gross.?Although many birds regurgitate for their young.
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Quite gross, actually, Paul! Quite gross.
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There is no food in the world that I need/want badly enough to justify any of this. Just say no ! ☺
p.s. I didn’t watch the video, had trouble looking at the lipo still shot.
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I’m not sure you fully grasp American culture. Say no? Pishaw!
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I’m going to vomit. How about this: eat less! That’s how I do it. I walk around hungry most of the day. I have modest portions and don’t snack. I can’t wait to go to bed at night so I can fall asleep and stop thinking about how hungry I am. I hate it but it beats any of these solutions you describe her. God forbid people develop a bit of will power.
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But Maaarrrrrrrkkkkkk! (Can you hear the whine in my tone?). Nobody makes any money if you puke, even though it serves the same purpose!
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I hadn’t thought about that, Answer Lady.
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I see opportunity to take this medical device a step further: a new kind of toilet. After a meal you simply connect a hose from the toilet to your Aspire Assist. Then you pull a handle, and whoosh, the contents of your stomach are washed away. It would be quick and convenient. Any blockages in the line could be handled with a special plunger, though you may have to mop up the overflow.
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And you have to hope that the person who preceded you flushed.
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Nope, didn’t watch. Liposuction freaks me out, too. I think I’ve read too many horror stories. 🙂
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Liposuction is such s bizarre procedure that I can’t really imagine someone doing it — although I know people do and sometimes the consequences are horrible. But to say yes to it???? Nooooooo!
And then we have this new technology. Oy.
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I watched the video. It played really upbeat music. Not gross bc they didn’t put food in it, but disturbing just the same.
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I watched it too — I shamed myself into it. But it was clearly faked. I think they need to remake it with the person eating really colorful food. Think rainbow. Or don’t!
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Liposuction doesn’t look like a comfortable procedure, watching the video made me cringe a smidgen. It was like a high powered vacuum sucking out your entire life story in under a minute. Oh well….to each his own.
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Oh no! If it sucks your life out, how will writers who try this ever survive?!?! (Of course, my husband has heard my stories so often that perhaps he’s in the other room, signing me up!)
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Holy crap. I heard something on the news earlier from my kitchen and now realize that this is what they were talking about. I watched the video because of course I was curious and because watching pus drain makes my day so I couldn’t imagine this being worse. It wasn’t, but I am on board with all the speculation and questions already mentioned by your other readers. Can you imagine being a dinner guest with this device.
“Great dinner tonight Martha, now please excuse me while I go vacuum the residuals into your john. Same time next week right? And I’ll bring the lasagna.”
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Ummmmm, I think you meant “Holy-never-gonna-be-crap”!
The thing is with my weird physiology — a shortened GI tract, if this worked, I, by all rights, would be Twiggy. I am not.
And I think next time, Martha should serve spaghetti!
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Ick. Your comparison to bulimia is correct, I think. I understand that weight issues are difficult to solve, but I don’t think this is a good solution.
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Nor do I. Obviously developed by a man (in fact by the guy who was going to change the world with another invention — the Segway!
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I watched the video. I am sure to have patients ask me about it. Several thoughts. One, that floppy tube hangs really low in the toilet but probably not low enough to eliminate the splash from chunks. Like when you puke. Eeew.Second, it would really raise questions when you are naked…. Sex? Yeah, maybe not. Third, I think I would rather make myself puke. Seriously.
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You know, VD, you really should start paying me … I anticipate the issues you’ll have with your patients all the time!
I think they faked the draining. There was nothing in there but water. No lumps, no bumps. No food. As I told Katy below (or above, I don’t know) I had a colostomy bag for a few months. The stuff that went in there was not clear.
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I marvel at what you fine, Elyse. Colostomy is a bit further in the GI tract but yes, I agree the dumping was faked. The White-Out finger nail polish was a bit creepy, too.
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When I had my surgery in 1982, sex was a huge factor. I was in my mid 20’s unmarried. A bag might be acceptable now but it certainly wasn’t at that age!
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A colostomy at any age is terrible but yikes! In your 20’s? That is just terrible.
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I was lucky. The J-pouch was new and I was willing to take a big risk to avoid the bag. Now I think I was nuts, but it did work out well for quite a while.
As my dad would say, you gotta do what you gotta do!
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Is it covered by insurance?
No, I didn’t watch the video and I’m not going to buy the product. My solution to the photo problem is to simply have my two beautiful daughters stand on either side of me, and slightly in front of me, so that the only part of me that’s shown is the middle – kind of like photo cropping before the picture is taken!
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You are a smart woman! But isn’t it a bizarre image? What a hoot! Vacuum. Drain. No work necessary to keep us looking like we’re 20 again.
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That was awesome!!!! Just kidding. I did watch it, but then I watch surgical procedures just for fun, and you know, curiousity, I’ll never get one, but I have a niece who probably will…she will try anything but actually eating less and moving more.
Just remember, the camera adds 50 pounds or so…
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Isn’t that hilarious? Just the idea! I may have to break down and watch the video. You know, for science.
People will do anything except accept the fact that they could look better and that they could eat/drink less.
If the camera adds 50 pounds, I am anorexic. Better get some ice cream.
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OK. I watched it. It was truly hilarious. And totally gross, expecially because you put the tube into the bag without washing it out. (Of course to wash it out in the office bathroom next to the folks who are brushing their teeth …. yummmmm)
And this was not a real draining of somebody’s stomach. I had a colostomy bag for a short time and I ate some Oreos. ‘Nuff said.
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