There are responsibilities that I take seriously. And giving all of you the scoop on poop is one of them.
But this week there is just too much. Too much scoop on poop, even for me.
Still, I can’t hold it all in. I must let it go. Besides, as I explained in Trifecta! all good comedy bits come in threes. So I had to, ummm, unload.
Number One: The first story is one that will, perhaps, ease your mind about all that downtime you spend at work in the bathroom. Because someone has invented a calculator to, well, calculate, how much money you make while on the pot.
Please don’t anyone tell my boss about this calculator. This image from the “Paid To Poo Calculator/Plumbworld”. I did not make that up.
***
Number Two: This one is toilet-focused as well. And really as suggested in this article, it could really save all of our asses, worldwide. I’m not just shitting you!
The article says that a British University (too embarrassed to own up to its research and identify itself) has developed:
A toilet that does not need water, a sewage system or external power but instead uses nanotechnology to treat human waste, produce clean water and keep smells at bay.
You won’t need that Brita Filter for long!
No need for this! Wikimedia Image
Seriously, though, a waterless toilet that could be developed and mass produced cheaply, and that would produce potable water, well, that would be truly wonderful for the world.
Science is pretty damn cool sometimes.
***
Number Three:
As a kid, a “Number Three” meant a fart. Usually an SBD — a “silent but deadly” one. But this number three? Far less benign.
Now as a person with serious bowel disease, I will confess that I worry that some day I will “go” the way of many famous people. That I will die literally on the loo. Those people include Elvis (who did not leave the building), Judy Garland (who did not make this list), and Catherine the Great of Russia (who may or may not have died on the toilet but her descendants have preferred the version to the one that says she died-while-having-sex-with-a-horse).
Still, if I die by poop, I’d always expected it would come from below the belt. Not above. And certainly not far above.
Shit! Now I have something new to worry about. Just what I need. Death via blue ice falling from the sky.
Wanna guess what blue ice is?
Apparently, blue ice is frozen shit falling from the sky. And pee too. Raining down from airplanes. And it is landing on and injuring unsuspecting people.
As the article states:
The Times of India reports that Rajrani Gaud from Madhya Pradesh suffered a severe shoulder injury when she was hit by a football-sized chunk of ice last month.
[…]
The newspaper claims that aviation scientists believe she may well have had the misfortune to become one of an incredibly rare group: people who have been hit by what the airline industry coyly calls “blue ice”.
That’s its euphemism for the frozen human waste that very occasionally forms around the overflow outlets for aeroplane toilets, and then falls to earth. “Blue” because of the chemicals added to the toilets in planes to reduce odour and break down the waste.
Oh shit (from above). Hurting people.
Judy Garland. Who was happy before blue ice hit.
FiftyFourandAHalf 
Can you really die of pooping? I guess. What a way to go!
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Yes you can. It’s serious business.
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You need to take this act on the road … 🙂
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With a porta-potty!
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All the shit that’s fit to print.
I tried using a Brita water filter instead of the toilet, but I still couldn’t get the yellow out. Am I missing something in the treatment?
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Peg, you are too funny for your own good! 😂
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As if I didn’t have enough to worry about . . .
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I know — there’s plenty! I’m reading YOUR post now!
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I’m really hoping now that I die after getting hit by a chunk of blue ice while in the bathroom. It would make for a really interesting obituary. Although I’ve always felt so bad for Elvis. Was he really on the toilet? Or is that a myth?
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Wouldn’t that just be the way to go.
As for Elvis, this is one time I wasn’t in the bathroom, so I can’t confirm or deny. But this Wikipedia link says it’s true. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Toilet-related_injuries_and_deaths
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It makes the Catherine the Great died-while-having-sex-with-a-horse story that much more believable if the alternative version is that she died on the loo. It’s much more believable to fabricate a different unflattering story.
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I have a deep personal dread of dying on the loo, so I’m going to become much more horsey from now on. Because you never know.
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When I was a kid I used to fear dying under ignominious circumstances. I remember reading about Orville Redenbacher dying in the tub, and I thought that was an unfair way to be discovered. I think the secret is to live your life in a consistently humiliating fashion so no manner of passing would shock whoever finds you.
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And, of course, to blog about those humiliations!
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When I worked, I would always use the work bathroom before I went home. My motto : Always pee on company time! 🙂
Now, I take a drug with a weird name, I just call it beelzebub, the dr said would give me diarrhea. Nope! Just the opposite, as a matter of fact. Sigh.
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Me too — but then I won’t last until I get home, so …
I’ve never actually been constipated, but I have heard that many cancer treatments do that to you — pain meds in particular. I’m hoping you don’t need any of those …
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No, my beelzebub pills are supposed to make me poo, but I guess I’m just too weird for poop!
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Or too worried 😕💩
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So… I guess the secret, if you plan on dying on the toilet, is to always go to the bathroom with some interesting props… so when they find you, it makes the news… I would suggest things like: a shaved baboon, a huge basket of really weird sex toys, a movie camera on a tripod, an industrial-sized vat of Vaseline, a whole bunch of helium-filled balloons, three gerbils, any kind of snake, a toaster oven, a boombox playing classical music, and any three of your closest friends. I hope this helps.
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I’m going to need a bigger bathroom!
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It will be better if it is all jammed into a really small one…
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You are hilarious. (Should have added periods between the words I suppose, for emphasis.) I’ve always wondered where Winnie – the – Pooh got his name from… and who else, but the ‘Savior of All Our Asses,’ would I pose that question to? 🙂
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Awww, shucks, Kelly. Strangely, no one in my family called me “Winnie” —
And do feel free to pose all poop and bathroom-oriented questions to me. Because, really, how many 12 year old bloggers do you know?
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Not many, and that includes scatologists – hehe
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You know some employers have tried to make people clock out when they go to the bathroom?
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It wouldn’t surprise me at all.
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You are a font of information that most of us didn’t know we needed. Nano shit eaters? Well why not, really what other use could they possibly be put to, bone repair? Heart valve repairs? Cancer cures? The cure for Erectile Dysfunction, shockingly men haven’t gone for this one yet.
Blue Ice, how quaint. I think we have the answer for ISIS!
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ICE ISIS!
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I like the idea of a waterless toilet. No more jiggling the handle. No more waking people up in the middle of the night, after doing one’s business. And I wonder if you can collect the “night soil” from it, and fertilize your garden?
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I’m sure it would be great shit to use. 😉
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Elise, I know I can always count on you to keep me au courant regarding the latest poop news.
With four kids and several dogs, obviously the Hub and I have spent years of my life I’ll never get back discussing their poop production. But we’re down now to the emergency backup AussieDog here in EmptyNestville. If she ever leaves us, we’ll probably never have anything to talk about again. (What with him being Republican and all, politics is obviously verboten.) So your blog may save our marriage!
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I’m pretty sure you’ll get another dog when the time comes! And then there will be more poop to talk about! (When he was staying with us, one of my nephews commented as we walked the dog — “why do you two pay so much attention to DOG POO!?!” I can still hear his voice!
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It seems like the toilet in part 2 could solve the blue ice problem in part 3.
This would probably mean that the airline would start carrying less drinking water, and, umm, make more on the way.
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And charge you for it, no doubt!
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Which now ties all three parts of your post pretty nicely. 🙂
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It was the missing link! Thanks, X.
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My former father-in-law was stricken on the loo. The EMT had to pants him and take him to the hospital. Sooo embarrassing! Just a note on the work toilet — after I retired my toilet paper bill tripled. There’s a message there.
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It would be so embarrassing. Awful. Even for someone as, ahem, upfront about it all as I am…But the embarrassment would likely come later!
I remember buying a 4-pack and it lasting the week — now? We are deforesting America with the amount we use. In Geneva, they sell 2-packs! WTF?
One of my first posts was on this subject: https://fiftyfourandahalf.com/2011/06/11/downsizing/
Near and dear to my heart. If I were younger and in better shape, I would be hired as the spokesperson for Charmin!
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Paid to poop.
Amazing.
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I need to use this calculator. Because I am in the ladies’ room a lot. It will make my salary seem so much more generous!
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I heard about that toilet. Pretty cool. I always admire innovation like that. As for ‘blue ice’–ugh, talk about a misleading euphemism. And a smelly one.
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The toilet is pretty cool. Or perhaps we should say “neat”! As my friend would say, civilization all comes down to what you do with your poo.
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Ha, probably so.
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That toilet is way cool, and it really could be a life saver in many areas. I’ve heard of “blue ice” falling and hitting houses, but I can’t imagine being hit and injured by it. Ewwww!
From what I’ve read, Catherine the Great most likely died from a stroke. She had lots of enemies who spread the more lurid tales after her death, and she was known to have had many lovers–I believe all human.
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I agree completely agree about the toilet. Especially in more remote areas and deserts. Now in California! But water is going to be a huge issue going forward so water saving is really important. But there is always something funny about toilets … good thing for me!
I read that about the much-maligned Catherine, too, only that the stroke happened while she was on the loo. The horse story is just too much even for my imagination! The foreplay alone …
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Rather than SBD, Silent But Deadly, we say…er I mean used to say, you know, when we were kids, not now, SBV, Silent But Violent – it’s more poetic don’t you think?
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It IS much better. Lyrical. We should write songs about it! Or should have, …, er, when we were kids. You know!
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My dad had something in common with Elvis. Nonetheless, this article was hilarious, or I have the sense of humor like a 13 year old boy.
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Bathroom humor, in my experience, is transgender 😉 .
Sorry about your dad — I bet it happens a lot!
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Compost loos are becoming very popular on boats. Our friends have just had one installed and wish they’d done it years ago. The urine is collected in a holding tank but the other is on a mat that is just picked up as it’s dry and disposed of. I didn’t ask. There are some things you just don’t discuss in detail, no matter how friendly you are,
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I can imagine it would be very helpful on a boat. Really, it’s terrific technology. Flushing takes huge amounts of water, and it’s all “wasted.” And there are so many places in the world that would benefit from this — where excess water isn’t an option.
But I understand how reluctant you are to talk to your friends. It would be so easy to have the entire discussion go down the toilet!
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Not to mention the possibility of chamber music!
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I always thought all that poop had to go somewhere!! Wow. Crazy. Here’s to hoping none of us are injured by flying feces!
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I figured they just stored it in containers — which they do, but sometimes there is seepage around them and that’s when the “blue ice” hits the fan! Or the fans (and their roofs!).
I grew up playing on the railroad tracks in the 60s — I imagine there were lingering dangers there even after the trains had safely passed. I need to go shower again, I think!
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I’m never going outside again.
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It’s pretty scary out here!
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I had to read up on Catherine the Great. Wow. Made me blush.
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With embarrassment or something else??!! Sorry. I couldn’t resist.
I’m sure C the G died pooping. I really cannot imagine the other scenario!
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