December 9, 2015 · 0:00
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I’ll Take That as a Compliment

Dr. C wiped a tear from her eye, hugged me and laughed as she walked me out of the examination room after my semi-annual tune up the other day.

“I have never had this much fun during a consultation, Elyse,” she said.

I love this doctor, my gastroenterologist.  She is bright, listens, figures out the best treatment for me, and incredibly importantly for me, she has a fabulous sense of humor.  That’s incredibly rare for a gastroenterologist as I’ve mentioned before.

“I’ve been keeping up with all the research on poop transplants,” I told her.

“Yes!  It’s fascinating, isn’t it?”

Even though they aren’t currently being used for IBDs like mine, well, I do keep up with the research.  Obviously, you do too.  Why else would you be reading this post about poop?

Canadian Poop

How could I resist this image?  I know it’s Canadian and they have single-payer health care and I don’t, but you will admit, it’s funny.  Thanks, Google Images. You’re the bomb.  Errr…

Did I lose you there?

Our discussion continued down that same hole …

“I read that you have to be very careful who you get one from,” I said, proud of the depth of my knowledge.  “I read that if you get one from a grumpy person, or a depressed one, you can take on these traits.  Or fat people (thanks, Carrie!)”

“I actually have a patient who had a poop transplant.  She had c difficile,  and the transplant came from a heavy person.  She’s actually gained a lot of weight!”

“I used to think I’d get one from my husband.  But he’s kind of a curmudgeon, and he has risks of a couple of other diseases that I don’t want to get.* But mostly it’s the curmudgeon thing.  I don’t want to become a crank.  Besides, he refuses to laugh at my jokes.  Since I’m often the only one laughing, taking his shit might make my career as a humor blogger short-lived.”

“You’ll have to just tell him to keep his shit to himself!” Dr. C said, roaring with laughter.  Suddenly she realized, oh shit!  I’m talking to a patient!

“‘My doctor says you have to keep your shit to yourself!’ — That’s what I’ll tell him!  –Maybe then, he’ll stop leaving his crap all over the kitchen counter!”

Poop!

Google Image.

“Maybe you have to get your poop transplant from a model — a smart and beautiful one.  You don’t want to get your poop transfer from somebody stupid, because we don’t yet know if it can impact your IQ.  So you should choose somebody really smart — a scientist might be good.”

I looked over at her.  She’s healthy.  She’s slender.  She’s smart.  She has curly hair like mine.

“I want a poop transfer from you!” I announced.

She quieted her laugh for a moment.

Uh-oh, I though.  I’ve gone too far.

“You know, that may be the nicest thing anyone’s ever said to me.”

We both roared with laughter.

“Great. Lemme know when they figure out that poop transplants really do work on Crohn’s.  I’ll bring the sterile cup.”

Poop 4

Where do you think I found this?

 

* Nobody can say I don’t protect my husband’s privacy.  Ammirite?

***

While this blog was awaiting publication, I found this article in my inbox:

Gut Bugs Affect Cockroach Poop-ularity

By Jef Akst

Commensal bacterial living in the gastrointestinal tracts of cockroaches lace the insects’ feces with chemical cues that mediate social behavior, according to a study.

Lord, why me?

47 Comments

Filed under ; Don't Make Me Feel Perky Tonigh, Adult Traumas, Advice from an Expert Patient, All The News You Need, Bat-shit crazy, Being an asshole, Chronic Disease, Conspicuous consumption, Crohn's Disease, Disgustology, Health, Health and Medicine, Hey Doc?, Huh?, Humiliation, Humor, I Can't Get No, Illness, keys to success, laughter, Most Embarassing Moments Evah!, Negotiating, Not stealing, Oh shit, Poop, Poop transplants, Satisfaction, Science, Seriously funny, Shit, Shit happens, Taking Care of Each Other, Toilets, Why the hell do I tell you these stories?, WTF?

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47 responses to “I’ll Take That as a Compliment”

  1. Shallow Reflections
    February 13, 2016 at 0:00

    This is great, Elyse. The fecal transplants helped researchers start the studies on mice and obesity when they noticed a thin person gained weight when getting the transplant from a chubby person. Love your conversation with the GI specialist. Made me laugh out loud.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    • Elyse
      February 13, 2016 at 0:00

      Thanks. She is a wonderful doctor and actually treats me more like a person than any (of the dozens) doctor I’ve had before. I’ve actually written about poop a lot because, well, I’m intellectually anal retentive and have to get it out somehow.

      I just went over and subscribed to your blog. Now I have to go to the grocery store and wonder what folks are making up about me. Thanks. Thanks a lot. 😉

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply
  2. silkpurseproductions
    January 26, 2016 at 0:00

    I love it when a Dr “gets you” and treats you like an equal not just a disease or a symptom.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  3. Murr Brewster
    December 11, 2015 at 0:00

    I would be proud to be put on the list as a poop donor for you. My blood is A+ and I like to think my poop is too. Plus, I’m not remotely crabby. If I give you any shit, you’ll be all sunshine and sparkles in no time. People will go out of their way to avoid you.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    • Elyse
      December 11, 2015 at 0:00

      What a bang up first comment! If I take your shit, would I lose my edge? Because I am always giving folks shit myself. In fact, that phrase will take on a whole new meaning!

      Like

      Reply
  4. Kate Crimmins
    December 10, 2015 at 0:00

    Very timely. My IBS came to visit yesterday and stayed just in time for the holidays. Now I’m terrified to go out to dinner! I need a new GI doc. I want yours!

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  5. ntexas99
    December 10, 2015 at 0:00

    Don’t you just love it when you can have an actual conversation with someone? Especially if they laugh at all your jokes. Even better if they are someone who usually has to wear the “I’m dead serious” hat. (By the way, it’s no coincidence that “dead” and “serious” are so closely approximated in that sentence – too much of one, causes the other). Although the subject matter was not in my wheelhouse, I would still have enjoyed being a fly on the wall. Cause, you know, sh*t has a way of attracting flies. So they can get a giggle, too. All while enjoying the human conversational interaction between two people who understand that life needs a bit of levity. Seriously.

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply
  7. Robin
    December 10, 2015 at 0:00

    LOL! In a really weird coincidence, I’ve recently had a conversation with my doctor about poop transplants. It wasn’t nearly as funny, but there were moments.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  8. Exile on Pain Street
    December 10, 2015 at 0:00

    Don’t you wonder why someone would become a gastroenterologist? I do. What draws you to that particular field of study instead of, say, the immune system?

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  9. List of X
    December 10, 2015 at 0:00

    I dunno…If I feel like eating crap, I could just head to my nearest McDonald’s.

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply
  10. merrildsmith
    December 9, 2015 at 0:00

    So funny! But I’ve actually read a bit about poop transplants–and heard about it on NPR. Yeah, I’m a nerd. 🙂 Your doctor sounds great.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    • Elyse
      December 9, 2015 at 0:00

      My doctor IS great, Merril — smart as can be and very compassionate. I’d follow her anywhere!

      You may have read about poop transplants here, too. Cuz they’re interesting AND hilarious!

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply
  11. Melanie McNeil
    December 9, 2015 at 0:00

    I’ve been paying some attention to this, too, even though I have a pretty healthy gut. Seems like I recently saw they can encapsulate it, so you swallow…

    Love my doc, too, though I have to admit we aren’t the pair of comedians you and your doc are.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  12. cordeliasmom2012
    December 9, 2015 at 0:00

    I suspect that only people with an IBD will truly find the humor in this post. I’m pretty much full of shit already, but if I ever need a transplant, I’ll email Victo – I could really use her sense of humor, smarts, and compassion.

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply
  13. Victo Dolore
    December 9, 2015 at 0:00

    That IS a great compliment!!!! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  14. Carrie Rubin
    December 9, 2015 at 0:00

    Oh wow, this is too funny. I bet you are such a fun patient. I loved all my patients (well, most of them…), but there were some that made my eyes light up when I saw them on the schedule. I bet you’re that way for her.

    That’s interesting that she had a patient who gained weight after a fecal transplant from an overweight person. See? I wasn’t steering you wrong. After all, I heard it at a Cleveland Clinic conference!

    Thanks for making me laugh, and for your awesome sense of humor in the face of a NOT awesome disease.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    • Elyse
      December 9, 2015 at 0:00

      As a patient I think I’m probably a mixed bag. Because I know enough to ask really hard questions and then I get in my own way sometimes. But I truly have a lot of affection for her — she has really helped me immensely. And she is not a stony serious person, but very personable — even when she’s not being the 2nd half of a comedy duo!

      I immediately thought of you when she told me that about her other patient. She said that the woman hadn’t been able to stop eating and had really gained a lot of weight … I knew you wouldn’t steer me wrong!

      But you know, there is nothing much I can do about this shitty disease but laugh at it when I can. I try to keep the misery to a minimum because complaining about it really doesn’t help.

      Like

      Reply
  15. Glazed
    December 9, 2015 at 0:00

    I’ll donate some of my poop, if you don’t mind becoming a grumpy old man. Let me know. I’ll send it Priority First-Class, because only the best for you.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    • Elyse
      December 9, 2015 at 0:00

      Thanks, but if I want to be a grumpy old man I can get it fresh at home!

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply
    • Elyse
      December 9, 2015 at 0:00

      You know, I sounded unappreciative of your generous offer. I know doing this would take a lot out of you, and that would stink. But personally, I’d rather be a trim, cheerful, young and brilliant person like my doctor. I’m sure you understand.

      So really. Keep your shit together. 😉

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply
      • Glazed
        December 9, 2015 at 0:00

        Thanks for declining my offer. It takes a lot of pressure off me. I was afraid it would be a real strain to eke out a donation. And if there was a time deadline, I’d have to eat a ton of prunes to have any chance of making it.

        Liked by 1 person

        Reply
  16. Deb
    December 9, 2015 at 0:00

    You are the only person that I know, virtually or otherwise, who can find humor in poo, and I so admire you for it 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

Play nice, please.