When I studied humor writing, I was taught something called “The Rule of Three.”
As the second deity in my holy research trinity, Wikipedia, says:
The rule of three is a writing principle that suggests that things that come in threes are inherently funnier, more satisfying, or more effective than other numbers of things.[citation needed]
That is the only reason there are Three Stooges. Because two just wouldn’t be funny. Come to think of it, THREE haven’t been funny since I hit puberty. But still.
Anyway, the Rule of Three works. Three is funny.
So I was delighted this week to learn that the GOP has adopted the Rule of Three! Yes, It’s true. They are pushing the envelope for legislative giggles. Ba Da DUMB!
Google, Natch!
Have you been paying attention? Because here’s what happened just this week:
In the Ring on the Right, we have Michele Fiore, Majority Leader of the Nevada State Assembly who has a whole new take on cancer, cancer treatment and what is apparently cancer of her own mouth:
“If you have cancer, which I believe is a fungus, and we can put a pic line into your body and we’re flushing, let’s say, salt water, sodium cardonate [sic], through that line, and flushing out the fungus… These are some procedures that are not FDA-approved in America that are very inexpensive, cost-effective.”
Michele standing up for freedom with Cliven Bundy’s gang. Yeh Haw! Photo from Crooks and Liars.com
It really is amazing just how inexpensive death can be — there aren’t even any copays!
As my Dad would have said, “There’s a fungus among us.” That line is the only thing I could think of to say in light of this previously unknown cancer disclosure. Thanks, Michele.
Deja vu!
In the Other Right Hand Ring is Idaho Rep. Vito Barbieri (R) who showed once again how the GOP really, truly has no fucking clue about women – literally or figuratively. Or anatomically.
It all happened at a hearing on Tele-medicine – there is a bill in the Idaho Legislature that would prohibit doctors from prescribing medications that can induce a miscarriage — an abortion — from doing so via telemedicine – an online consultation. Have you seen how fucking BIG Idaho is? Or how it is somewhat phallic looking?
As stated in the AP Article:
Dr. Julie Madsen, a physician who said she has provided various telemedicine services in Idaho, was testifying in opposition to the bill. She said some colonoscopy patients may swallow a small device to give doctors a closer look at parts of their colon.
Now wait for it. Here it comes … Your turn, Rep Barbieri!:
“Can this same procedure then be done in a pregnancy? Swallowing a camera and helping the doctor determine what the situation is?” Barbieri asked.
Madsen replied that would be impossible because swallowed pills do not end up in the vagina.
Allow me to rephrase this:
A man who has been duly elected to office – in the United States of America which office grants him a certain measure of control over many things including women’s reproductive rights, does not understand that there is no direct link from the mouth to the uterus.
The AP article went on to state:
Barbieri later said that the question was rhetorical and intended to make a point.
I’m pretty sure that Rep Barbieri made THREE points:
- That he doesn’t know shit from shinola,
- That he should just dig a hole and crawl inside for the remainder of his life.
- He should try stand-up comedy because I have had too few good belly/vagina laughs lately. Until I read this.
You know where I got the stupid photo, already.
Now you know how there is always a serious guy in the comedic trio? This circus of GOPers is no exception.
In the Other Other Right Ring: Here is the MO of this trio: Idaho GOP state Rep. Christy Perry!
Christy, is (of course) a good Christian. Being a good Christian, she is “pro-life.” Well, as long as that life isn’t breathing oxygen on its own, anyway.
Because Ms. Perry is apparently pro-life only until a baby is born. Apparently she finds it perfectly OK for parents to deny their children medical care in the name of the Lord. For Religious Reasons. And, you know, for FREEDOM!
Remember at this point in the movie, they are removing his intestinal organs. There is no camera inside there. No vagina either, come to think of it.
* * *
So you see, our GOP reps really have the world of comedy all figured out. Ain’t it a shame though, that they only know slapstick.
And ain’t it also a shame that we as a nation are always the ones who slip on that damn banana peel? Because we are down on our asses until we get these folks out o’ Dodge. And DC. And out of your statehouse and mine.
FiftyFourandAHalf 
Pingback: Too Much Scoop | FiftyFourandAHalf
Rule of Three has a nice ring to it, but with Republican bloopers, nothing smaller than infinity would do.
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Well, at least we can depend on grid-lock and re-election campaigns to prevent any of them from doing anything about their crazy ideas…it’s not much, but it’s something. 😐
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Something is always better than nothing!
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So true!
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Pingback: How I Became A Famous Humor Writer | FiftyFourandAHalf
okay
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A successful test!
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All I can do is shake my head.
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And your fist!
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You left out all the fine ones in OK. A bill is currently out of committee that would do away with AP US History courses because it doesn’t focus enough on “American Exceptionalism”. They are also looking into whether all AP courses are now illegal in the state because of a bill they passed last year which banned Common Core. When it blew up in their faces on social media, the bill sponsor said that it was worded poorly and misunderstood. Because we can totally misunderstand an order to disallow AP US History and replace it with a homegrown version instead.
Then Sally Kern (I think that’s her name) introduced a bill protecting people’s right to receive discredited, scientifically invalid therapy to correct homosexual urges or gender “confusion” for themselves or their children…
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There are so many choices, aren’t there? So damn many crazy legislators! Sorry to have slighted (your?) Oklahoma!
I was trying to keep it to medical issues (I am, after all, a fake medical expert). And to fit with my theme of three.
Perhaps I can do a regional version. Although it would be hard to ever write about anybody other than Texas because they really do rock the crazies. Of course, Oklahoma is damn close. And then there is Kansas. And my own adopted state of Virginia.
I have blog fodder for the rest of my life. Assuming I don’t shoot myself in despair! But I’m anti-gun, so that is highly unlikely!
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Maybe we could flush out the GOP with salt water and sodium carbonate. Just stick a large hose in the Senate.
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Yes!!! And the House !
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there is a direct line from the mouth to the uterus… when the woman just says ‘no’… HA! … wait… back up… there are rules to writing funny? and you can study how to do it???
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Questions about my humor writing training are a recurrent theme here. I may just have another post to do about that. Of course, I forgot most of what I learned …
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me too
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I too had a hard time getting past the humor class. There’s a place you can go that makes you funnier? or at least your writing funnier? Woohoo! I had already heard about the camera in the vagina but the cancer one stunned me. Seriously? Obviously no one close to her has ever had it which is really odd since it is rampant. Perhaps people need to take an anatomy class before they can be elected? (along with an ethics class and a “play nice” class)
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I just said to Art that maybe I’ll review my lessons and write up a post about my course. (Yeah, it was just one course — the first lesson is EXAGGERATE!)
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“that would be impossible because swallowed pills do not end up in the vagina.”—Hahaha. Best line I’ll read today. Except for maybe this: “I have had too few good belly/vagina laughs lately.”
I’m shocked, appalled, and amused all at the same time that someone would be so clueless. You don’t have to be an anatomy major to know what a woman eats doesn’t end up in her reproductive tract. Think kidney stones are painful? Try passing an M&M through a Fallopian tube. Ouch.
As for cancer being a fungus, wow, really? You mean all this time the only treatment people with cancer needed was a shot or two of an anti-fungal? Why must science always make things more difficult than they are?…
But all joking aside, the fact these people are in politics is scary with a capital S.
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Yes. Terrifying.
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I haven’t been able to get back to this comment — I had to work (?!). But I can’t get the image of the M&M and the falopian tubes out of my head. I keep seeing those M&M Guys — you know, plain and peanut …
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M&Ms could change their slogan to “They melt in your uterus, not in your hands.”
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I am literally laughing OUT LOUD right now! What really got me, was the whole (hole?) “vagina confused with stomach thing”! And hey, we might as well laugh, because it’s more fun than crying.
You studied humor writing??? No wonder I have no clue what I’m doing!!! Lol 🙂
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How did i miss this? Busy day, yesterday.
And yes — laughing and crying ya know it’s the same release (thank you Joni Mitchell!) So we have to laugh.
I’m going to do a post in the near future about my humor writing studies … because everybody is interested … stay tuned, now that you’re back!
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Wow…
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OW, actually, I think. You just can’t make this stuff up.
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I laughed. I shook my head. Now I want to cry. A severe headdesk will have to do.
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Paying attention to some of these jokers does tend to have that effect, doesn’t it.
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If only they were comedians instead of legislators…!
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Nothing like a good medical update to start the day. Michele Fiore (my favorite of these 3) may simply be ahead of her time.
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Or perhaps Michele would have a place in the medical profession — in say, the year 666 A.D. (see how I did that?)
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She has a place … but not as a FMP … that’s your license.
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Yes, I am a fake medical professional. But even I can’t make stuff up. Science!!!!!
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She could be a PMA …. professional medical asshat
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The problem (well…one of them) is that politics has become such an unappealing career that only B-listers are drawn to it. The intellects in our nation don’t want to suffer the scrutiny so they chase careers in the private sector. That’s how we end up with nitwits like this in congress. And make no mistake–both parties are infected with mediocrity. President Obama has the right ideas but he’s a terrible politician. Bill Clinton was the last great Prez this nation had. Since then, it’s been one disaster after another.
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I absolutely agree with you, Mark, that nobody in their right mind goes into government any more. We used to attract The Best and The Brightest. Now we attract Dumb and Dumber. I blame Ronald Reagan for this — for his statement “Government IS the problem” as well as for bringing into meaningful government offices folks who had no respect for government and/or wanted to destroy the agencies they led (I am speaking specifically of Energy and EPA which I followed closely during the Reagan years, and Education)
Bill Clinton was an effective president and a masterful politician. I think though that he was working with a partial deck, while Obama has been shafted from the start. The GOP under Gingrich was still not very organized — they had their temper tantrums and their victories, but there were still reasonable folks in the GOP. Not so with Obama. The entire GOP has been united in their opposition to everything or just about that he has tried and that he has done from the minute he took office. I actually think it is treasonous. Who works to make their own country fail — lemme think…
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I’m glad you absolutely agree with me but I kinda don’t absolutely agree with you on this one. There is no correlation between Regan’s war on government agencies and the decline in qualified individuals running for office. Only your blind hatred for the GOP leads you to that conclusion. Rather, it’s the media who’s at fault. This all started with the Gary Hart scandal. That opened the floodgates to the kind of microscopic scrutiny that nobody can survive. No sane, rational individual would put themselves, or their family, through that.
I also disagree with your premise that Clinton had it “easier” than Obama. Clinton was impeached, for cryin’ out loud! It doesn’t get much tougher than that! He had his ass handed to him in a midterm election. Additionally, he had to deal with a government shutdown. I would argue that Obama is sometimes his own worst enemy. His lack of political acumen has actually lead to a disintegration of the political climate and an emboldening of the far right. If Clinton were in office today (Bill, that is), with the only Western economy in full recovery, elimination of bin Laden and an unemployment rate in steady decline, he’d have congress and the populous eating out of his hand. Obama is an intellect with solid policies, but he has little interest in politicking them to fruition. And his cabinet is mediocre.
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I forgot about Monkey Business! You’re right about that. But I still think I am partially right. Government service went down hill with Reagan. The folks who were elected were I longer doing it out of duty and patriotism. They were doing it to get rich. And that became ok.
I hate the sex scandal aspect — I don’t care what a rep does with his pecker as long as he doesn’t screw me.
Sorry i didn’t get back to this earlier. I wanted to use a real keyboard (and didn’t or I’d go on and on!)
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My husband told me about that abortion comment, with the colonoscopy pill helping with abortions…..I accused him of misunderstanding because “No one could be that stupid.”
Remember, I spend my life with ten year olds………
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Your 10 year olds are way smarter than the average GOPer which is good for your 10 year olds, but sucks for the country.
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The vanity of politicians needs to be constantly mocked I believe, and you do it brilliantly. The only sad thing is, they never seem to improve, regardless of the well-deserved mockery
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Wait! You don’t think these folks are reading my blog?
Damn.
(Thanks for the nice words, Ducky)
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Okay, I had a hard time getting past your first words, “studied humor writing”. I’m so jealous! Back in the dark ages when I was a journalist, there was no such thing as humor studies. There were three reasons—none of which included fame and fortune because this was journalism—for why I started to write a humor column for a chain of Midwest papers:
1. I had kids—a (free) source of material.
2. I had men—thanks to womens lib, a never-ending stream of material.
3. Ben Bradlee was never going to make me get two outside sources to validate my material.
Of course, I studied the greats of the past (Erma Bombeck, The New Yorker, Dan Quayle) but my training was pretty subjective. I never once learned the rule of three or any other rules that weren’t printed in the Chicago Manual of Style.
So it’s really fun to read a hilarious post like this one and learn from a trained humor writer. I think my favorite part is “Madsen replied that would be impossible because swallowed pills do not end up in the vagina.” That certainly explains about 90% of blow jobs (at least the ones that don’t involve financial transactions or the penal system…)
Great post! Great post! Great post! (note: rule of three.)
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My “training” was an online course. I did learn a lot though. Mostly I learned that if you write a story the same way you tell it, it sucks. And that once you figure out how to write that story, you can no longer tell it verbally. Because then it sucks. (This was not part of the curriculum.) Writing humor is much harder than I expected.
It was taught by a very funny person who didn’t get anybody else’s jokes.
Bravo — serious accolades to you — for figuring it out on your own! Because you are a terrific humor writer.
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I’ve always thought that threesomes were the best. Did that make you laugh? If so, thank you Rule of 3’s. Politics, Religion, and Mel Gibson is another trio that will never fail to amuse.
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Sexual threesomes are only funny if one party is in drag. At least, that’s what I’ve learned from the movies. Because my humor studies were sadly lacking in sex. That’s a whole different line of focus.
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Maybe the drag part is funny, due to the surprise factor.
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Probably more so in the past — in a more restrictive time!
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But also easily available online, I must say. 🙂
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I liked this post, but not because I liked what you wrote. I actually find it sad and frustrating and it makes me angry that these assholes have been elected to positions in state governments and/or the federal government and it makes me crazy that so many voters vote these assholes into office year after year after year.
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Yeah. That’s exactly how I feel. Like we are opening our arms and welcoming in the Dark fucking Ages. Again.
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*Shakes head in disbelief.*
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Vomits into the bushes (maybe into the Bushes?)
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Yep, all THREE Bushes (I rest my case)
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You are absolutely right. Since there are three of them, can’t we as a country write them all off as a bad joke? A series of bad jokes? Like a 70s politically based TV sit com?
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I think someone has already beaten you to it.
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