Many years ago when I lived in a not terribly safe neighborhood in DC, two work colleagues/friends of mine were discussing safety precautions to be used in case we were ever assaulted.
“I heard that if someone tries to rape you,” Ellen said, “the best thing to do is to poop in your pants. Nobody wants to rape a person with poopy pants”
“That won’t be hard for me to do,” I said. “I can poop on command.” My colitis-that-was-really-Crohn’s was raging in those days. “Maybe I can sell some!”
Our colleague, John, got a mischievous look on his face. “But what if you’ve just gone?” John asked. He then stood up from his desk, and started grunting as if he were pooping. “Wait a minute, wait a minute, Mr. Rapist.” John grunted some more, laughing. “I’m almost ready for you … OK, NOW try to take me!”
We didn’t get a lot of work done those days. But it was a valuable lesson in self-defense.
Sadly, Keri Wilk, an undersea photographer, wasn’t in the room with us. Because that self-defense lesson might have come in handy for him just recently. Because recently he learned that sometimes, a little poop can be the best defense.
You see, according to the article in the Huffington Post, photographer Keri Wilk had a crappy experience when he got up close and, ummm, personal, with a sperm whale. Apparently Keri and his fellow divers made the whale a wee bit nervous.
While leading a group on an underwater whale photography expedition off the coast of the Caribbean island, Keri and four others were approached by what appeared to be a perfectly calm whale.
The whale approached them, stopped, pointed straight downward, and then in Keri’s words, “the storm began.”
If only Keri and his friends had given the poor whale a little privacy, well then, the storm might have been short-lived. But noooooooooo.
Instead, Keri and friends experienced a “Poopnado.”
“At first, it seemed like a regular bowel movement… sperm whales are often seen defecating, especially while diving, so we didn’t think much of it initially. It pointed itself down, but then, rather than continuing its dive, it remained at the surface, continuing the bowel movement for a startling length of time,” explains Keri.
“The 4 of us looked at each other with confusion, then back at the whale, expecting that any second its call from nature would be ended, and that it would descend to the depths for another meal as they usually do. Instead, the whale bobbed up and down, spun around in circles, and waved poop in every direction for several minutes while 4 of us in the water sat back and watched!”
The minute by minute photos are pretty amusing, but I think you might just want to go to the full article rather than see that much poop on my blog site. I do have my standards, you know. Low as they may be.
The full spread of pictures is, ummm, more overwhelming.
There simply is no reason for you to bother reading the news. Or watching it. Because I promise you, if there is anything you need to know, anything at all, I will tell you about it.
Including things you didn’t even know you wanted to know about.
FiftyFourandAHalf 
You know, until I read this post I had never before thought about a whale pooping! Now I can’t get those images out of my head!
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Sorry!
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For some reason, it never even occurred to me that whales pooped. I’m not sure why – I’ve read the book “Everybody Poops,” so I certainly should know better.
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Jana, in spite of your research, I don’t think anyone will blame you for not thinking about whale poop.
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They edit shit like that out of those Nature shows on PBS. 😉
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Cussing here on my blog is habit forming, no?
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I know. What’s gotten into me? Maybe the Pacific West Coast air?
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You hippie, you!
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Who woulda thunk it?
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Now I can say I’ve seen everything.
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Sorry!
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I really DON’T need to go to the usual sources when all the news that’s not fit to print is right here. I don’t care if you can’t smell underwater – I can smell it from here. EWWWWWW!
And on a semi-serious note, I always thought it might discourage a rapist if you threw up all over yourself – that’s pretty easy to make happen on demand.
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Ewwww is right. Imagine how long it takes to get that much whale poo out of your hair! Lather rinse repeat – for the rest of your vacation!
Puking sounds like a great strategy too. Although with my bod, the other end works without any problem!
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Just one more reason to stay in the pool just facing the ocean!!!
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It’s hard to argue with that logic!
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The sperm whale could have spermed. That would have been pretty gross.
Or did someone already make that lame joke?
Ready for the SNOW? Heh heh. Aren’t you its path?
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We won’t be getting what you will, hopefully. But it is now snow instead of rain. But they haven’t yet closed schools! Or the government!
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It was a bust. My kids are crushed.
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Bummer. Sort of.
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Nobody else came up with any sperm jokes, so it’s all yours.
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I’m so proud of myself.
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As you should be!
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I think I will do what monkeys do and just throw poop at people who annoy me… or when I am just bored
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Fiends of mine in Geneva told me that they’d seen a monkey hurl a handful at the French Health Minister …
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I love irony
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Holy crap
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I must have missed the part where they said there was a priest in the water too. Or was it a baptist?
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E-e-e-u-u-u-u-u-h! 😦
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y-y-e-e-e-e-a-a-a-a-h-h-h-h! 🙂
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Wow. Just Wow.
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Sonetimes that word does say it all.
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Blech! Too many beans for the fishy?
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Must’ve been!
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Laughing and speechless.
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Isn’t it hilarious? There’s nothing like the color pf the water in the Caribbean …
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That’s hilarious, Elyse. I’ve never encountered a whale underwater as we mostly frequent relatively shallow coral reefs, but that is one major poopnado! I guess that whale showed them.
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Art of Pouring My Art Out dubbed it “Poop-ocalypse” which I think I prefer — It feels better on the tongue (ewwww).
We were kayaking in Maine (very close to the shore because I am a weenie) when we found ourselves in the middle of a feeding frenzie by what a naturalist had once told me were “porpoise whales.” They are actually dolphins but don’t tell my husband. It was fascinating — there were dozens of them and they didn’t capsize our kayaks. Or poop, as far as i know!
I love your diving pictures. I love to snorkel in the Caribbean but it has been a while.
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You are right, Elyse. I don’t bother watching the news anymore. I know I can count on you to provide we with the down low on everything I didn’t even know I wanted to know. This is a valuable service and I thank you for it 😉
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I wonder if I can start pulling in some cash for this service, Michelle. OK, I’ll go now and see if I won the lottery. That’s more likely!
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Holy crap… I feel strangely enlightened and dirty. And I have to ask: how can we allow these whales to continue to deliver excrement into our precious oceans? We have to treat our waste before it goes into the waterways… how come they don’t??? This is a double standard if I ever saw one. Elyse, as the bringer of news that’s cool, you need to take up this banner and stop the whales from further pooping.
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I blame the GOP, Trend. They have removed so many environmental controls since they got into full control of the US Congress in January of this year. Under the Democrats, there was a mandate put out for all whales, not just sperm whales, to use an EPA-approved whale poop filtering device. And then they, the GOP, denies global warming … It is all just too shitty, Trend. Too, too brown.
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Waaaay too brown. I agree, dude. It’s the politicians who are mucking this up. I am going to the beach pronto with some whale poop filtering devices and I am going to insist that those filthy marine mammals stop being so partisan and strap em on.
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You’re a good man, Trend. Kinky, but good.
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Hee hee hee…
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It’d be just my luck to be attacked by one of those weirdos that find such a condition a turn-on.
😯
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Well, let’s hope that you never have to find out! Or perhaps there will be a nearby whale or other large mammal that will come to your defense!
And do make sure to stay far away from US Senator David Vitter. He has a thing about sex and diapers from what I’ve read.
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And here I’d finally been able to get Vitter our of my mind.
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“out” — damn fat fingers.
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What a clever defense. I’ve never seen or heard about this. I should get a job in the office where you used to work.
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Hi Barb! Happy New-that’s-gettin’-along Year!
I imagine that’s where the term “scared shitless” comes from — I think it is a fairly common reaction to poop when you’re scared.
As to my old office, we did have a lot of fun. But we worked our tails off, too. Long, long hours, low, low pay. Good times!
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I have the feeling that whale had enough of those funny looking fish.
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You’re probably right. I’m sure with all that gear those fish wouldn’t have tasted very tasty!
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So why are they called sperm whales? Shouldn’t they be poop whales?
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Colonic whales?
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This is awesome. So funny.
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Isn’t it hilarious? Now picture yourself, on the Caribbean vacation of a lifetime, looking at the beautiful blue/green waters that are suddenly clouded with poop. You might as well be looking at the East River!
And welcome, Michelle! I think this is your first comment!
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Thank you. I am pretty new to this whole blog thing. Just started mine two months ago and now found some others to follow.
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Then you are way ahead of where i was when I first started! The community really is welcoming and gracious. So welcome (again!)
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Thank you! Let me know if there are any “recommended blogs” please because there are so many, it’s hard to sift through all.
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I found my bloggin’ buddies by looking at comments. I looked for funny, thoughtful ones. And then I checked out those blogs.
My commenters are a pretty varied lot. But they’re good folks, and good writers (or photographers some of them).
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Yup. That’s what I have been doing. Thanks for the tip.
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I think all that shit was just a fluke.
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Ohhhh. It needed to be said.
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I tried, but I just couldn’t not say it.
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Wow, that’s a lot of poop! And such a well-timed post for me considering my mother just had GI surgery and poop has been the talk of the day around here. In fact, if my family was in a reality television show right now, they’d have to put a scatological warning in the opening credits.
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I aim to please (can’t you just hear someone saying “you aim too, please”?)
I hope she’s doing well, and that the next phase in her recovery goes well.
But trust me. The poop discussions will go on for a very long time. After I had my surgeries, one of my bosses, a fatherly, middle-aged man, asked me every day about my bowel movements. It started making me uncomfortable about 4 months after my second surgery. Finally I responded, “fine thanks, how are yours?” End of discussion! Courtesy always wins.
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Ha, great response!
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It was a conversation stopper.
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Carrie, i was just thinking about your Mom. Make sure she only uses really soft TP (i’m a Charmin girl). She will prob ne going a lot for a while.
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Good thinking. Nothing but the softest two-ply should find its way into their home. 🙂
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Oh. my. good. Lord. That gives me a stomach ache. Also maybe from laughing over Kate’s question. Look at the quality of friends I’m hanging with. . . . bahahahah.
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Yes, your mother should have warned you not to hang out with us.
And Kate’s question was priceless. I don’t think she phrased it quite the way she meant it!
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Oh, my fifth graders are so going to love this……
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Some of us are still fifth graders at heart!
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OMG I’m dying – that’s just going to be my standard comment on your posts Seriously, dying with tears on this one – I think I’ll give them funniness ratings from now on. Don’t know if I have the energy or humor skills to keep up with what’s going to happen in this comment section tonight. Have to go – have a good night laughing, I’ll be thinking of you 🙂
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Art of Pouring My Art Out called it a Poopocalypse. I think that’s even funnier!
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Really nice to look at that over and over again in my follow feed I have to say…!
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Thanks for sharing!
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Some things are just too good to keep to yourself!
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I didn’t know sperm whales ate Mexican food…
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Just the beans … Poopnado. I love that word. I am, sadly, a live poopnado.
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I’m sure you’re no match for that whale.
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Trust me, X. You don’t want to know.
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Ok, then I don’t.
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Awesome! I wonder if it smells if it’s underwater?
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If you’re sniffing underwater, you’re in big trouble!
But I imagine that that amount of poop would leave a lasting impression!
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