My husband John makes a point of not laughing at my jokes. He pretends that I am not the funniest person he knows — even though I often hear him repeating my zingers with a chuckle. John has helpfully suggested that whenever I am “trying” to be funny, that I should hold up a flag to let the world know. I counter that he is humor challenged.
As it turns out, I recently learned that there are loads of humor challenged folks.
And they read our blogs!
SHIT!
Now most of you know my good bloggin’ buddy, Peg-O-Leg. Well, Peg was Freshly Pressed just yesterday! It was a delayed FP’ing for a post she wrote over a month ago, entitled: Facebook Ruined My Life, Now They Must Pay. It’s about how she wants to sue Facebook because somebody put up an embarrassing picture of her from her childhood.
It was a joke, son.
But the thing is, she got comments from strangers criticizing her for suing Facebook. I’m not joking, she got nasty comments about the lawsuit she was clearly making up for a humor blog.
Just how many humor challenged folks are there?
***
Peg’s predicament reminded me of one of my very early posts. I couldn’t resist reposting it, because, well, it was my very first blogging experience with possibly humor challenged folks.
Manitoba Bound
It’s time to export all the stupid people in the United States to another country. Congress will go along with it as long as we can designate “stupid people” a commodity. A trade lawyer I consulted suggested that designating them as “spare parts” under the Anti-Counterfeit Trade Agreement would permit widespread exportation of stupid people from all over the country. It would also ensure that only “real” stupid people and not fake or “counterfeit” stupid people qualify. US export numbers will skyrocket, the debt limit will take care of itself, and we won’t owe China a penny. Or a Yuan. The economy will be saved. More importantly, I won’t have to deal with them any more.
I decided to send them to Canada – nobody lives there, anyway. Manitoba, to be exact. Why? It’s easier to spell than “Saskatchewan.” Manitoba is right there in the middle of the continent where the stupid people won’t be able to hurt themselves. Like one big padded room. They will be safe, happy, well cared for. Cable TV. Internet access — even broadband. I’m not unkind, you know. A team of teenagers will be available to help them turn on their TVs, stereos, DVD players, mobile phones. Friends and family members can visit anytime.
There are a lot of stupid people in the US, you say, so where do we start? We’re starting with the ones that bug me the most. It’s only fair. After all I am the brains here.
I deal with stupid people every day. I work in medical products litigation. Stupid people believe the TV lawyers’ mantra “Sue then Retire.” Each time I walk into my office, I am smacked upside the head by the stupid actions of stupid people who sue for big bucks. I learn way too much about them, sort of like when you interrupt your 74-year-old uncle in the shower. You’d be happier without the image.
I want them outta here.
Here’s a contender:
A woman named Mona was sick. Mona went to her doctor and was given a 30 day prescription for the drug that would treat her. She took it to the pharmacy where the pharmacist typed up a label and put it onto the bottle that the manufacturer dispensed the tablets in, because conveniently, those pills already came packaged in bottles of 30 pills. Terrific! Safe! Foolproof! How many times have you gotten medicine this way? Loads of times, I wager. Have you gotten it that way lately? Nope. Thank Mona.
Now Mona is a very precise woman. She carefully monitors everything. She uses a pedometer to count her steps, compares food package labels. Understands the food pyramid. She doesn’t walk when the “Don’t Walk” sign starts blinking. She knows the calorie, carbohydrate and vitamin content of everything she swallows. Brushes her hair precisely 100 strokes each night. Flosses. Therefore, she read the label that came with the pills from the drugstore, too. She opened the sealed package, and poured out her first dose. That’s when Mona’s ticket to Manitoba was punched.
Because when she dumped out that first pill into her hand, she also poured out a tiny crunchy plastic package about a half inch square. It contained salicylic acid – packages like that are put into many products to help keep the contents dry and to prevent mold. The little package in her hand said “DO NOT EAT.” So she didn’t. At all. She didn’t eat for 30 days while she took her medicine.
She didn’t call her doctor and scream:
“You never told me I couldn’t eat!”
She did not call the pharmacist and say:
“Can I at least have toast? Or Jell-O?”
And when she got very ill from (1) being stupid and (2) not eating for 30 days, did she feel embarrassed? Did she pack for Manitoba? No. She sued the pharmacy and the drug manufacturer for millions of dollars for pain, suffering, and lost wages. She won.
So Mona goes first.
And the woman who fell into the shopping mall fountain while texting and then sued the shopping mall? You saw her. She went onto local and national news shows to tell the story and to complain that no one helped her after she fell. She said repeatedly that she was embarrassed that everyone she knew had seen her fall into the fountain on YouTube. She was upset at being called “Fountain Lady.” She appeared on television voluntarily, where they replayed the video three times for people like me who hadn’t yet enjoyed it. She made absolutely sure that “Fountain Lady” was unmasked, because this caption appeared at the bottom left of the TV screen:
CATHY CRUZ MARRERO
“FOUNTAIN LADY” FIGHTS BACK
Her ticket is printing now.
FiftyFourandAHalf 
I’ve always liked your blog because you are so damn funny. Keep it up.
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Thanks JSD. Nice to see you — I hope you are well. And writing!
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…working on it. 🙂
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This must be done! It’s time we get rid of the stupid people. It’ll be our reward for putting up with them for such a long time.
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Oh my — I came back here because someone else commented today — I missed your comments! So sorry. I didn’t mean to be rude — but I didn’t see these.
And I would truly love to get rid of stupid people. It would make the world such a lovely place.
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This must be done! Need of the century!
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Congratulations to Peg! That was a great piece.
I can’t believe I missed your “Manitoba Bound” piece. It explains so much. I’ve written about my relationship with Manitoba several times and I’m pretty sure they’ve already started the export.
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Peg’s followup piece to this one was brilliant too — check it out.
But don’t worry about having missed Manitoba Bound. It was written way back — it was my 3rd blog piece ever. Nobody knew me then!
And I’m not sure I like the fact that somebody apparently took my idea and ran with it! (Most Canadians who’ve read it plead for another destination for the stupid folks so you are almost unique, Michelle!)
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Very funny Elyse. Hopefully Darwanism will slowly filter out those still in mental development.
As an aside I did a guest post over at Cordelia’s Mom today http://cordeliasmomstill.com/2014/09/04/red-stars-guest-post-by-paul-curran/comment-page-1/#comment-3296 I would be honored if yu could find the time to drop by and have a read. Thank YOU.
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I went over and enjoyed your post very much. Thanks for the link!
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OK, OK – now I have a bone to pick with you! I was born in Manitoba & lived there most of my life! You CANNOT export your stupid people to Manitoba – they have enough of their own!
Besides Manitoba is the gateway to the rest of Canada – everything from the east has to funnel through the capital city of Winnipeg (where I grew up) into the west & vice versa. If you sent your stupid people to Manitoba, they might screw up the whole country of Canada! Since I live in Canada I wouldn’t like that at all!
Why not try North Dakota? It’s just as cold there as it is in Canada & it seems like nothing important happens there so they couldn’t get into any real trouble. Or maybe you could send them to Iceland if you want to get them out of the US? They have a volcano there & if they’re truly stupid they might just wander into the volcano in an effort to get warm because I hear it gets really cold there too.
And don’t even think about sending them to Alberta – because I will personally herd them all back down to Virginia!
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Benze, I will consider relocating stupid folks to Iceland. But it’s gonna cost you.
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What’s the cost? Some Canadian Cadbury chocolate?
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That would work …
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Hahaha oh my gosh, I hadn’t heard either of those lawsuit stories. That’s insane and ridiculous. Especially the texting one. I mean– I totally walk and text, I’ll admit it– but if I fall into any fountains or other people, that’s totally on me.
And the “do not eat” has got to be planned out. Right? Please? Tell me it was some huge plot or conspiracy.
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When I explain our legL system to interns. I let them know that in ‘Merica, anybody can sue anybody for any thing… In Mona’s case, justice was clearly blind.
Personal responsibility, along with acceptance of the reality that sometimes bad things happen to good people and really, there is no one to blame, has gone by the wayside. Of course, that’s why I have a job …
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Manitoba isn’t that easy to spell, either.
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I think that’s why I like Maine so much. Much easier to spell than Connecticut or Massachusetts.
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Elyse, this does not surprise me. My students would read a poem that had a lot of funny lines and some of them would take it completely seriously, as though because it was printed in a poetry book it had to be serious. Some people are missing some parts, that’s all there is to it.
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Awesome… and my wife and one of my daughters refuse to admit that I am funny either… what’s up with that?
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The truth hurts.
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hey now
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No, I meant that it hurts them. That’s why they can’t admit it.
You are funny. Well, sometimes 😉
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That’s better…
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Of course we have a sense of humor. Have you looked at a copy of the Congressional Record recently? Chocked-full of hilarity. A nation lacking a sense of humor wouldn’t have elected all those comedians into office. I rest my case.
btw, if you think Peg’s FP post was delayed–a post from the always hilarious You Monsters Are People was Fresh Pressed just before hers…a post that he wrote in December of 2012!!! I accused his dad of owning the internet and he said FP was running out of ideas.
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Dec 2012??? That makes me hopeful that my best post ever — Home for Christmas — still has a chance.
I used to go through the CR every day. That was when folks on both sides were reasonable. Ancient history!
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Dec 2012??? How does THAT happen?
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Hi, Elyse! I live in Canada so I know for sure nobody lives here. 😉 lol Just dropping by with a link I hope will work (longer version is in my latests blog post where you can click on either to a new location that should work for you). Hope this works for you. If not, let me know and I will try something else. http://youtu.be/E8CFjTt5CkI
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That worked! Yay!
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Can we use a catapult to export these commodities? That would be way more fun and probably cheaper. Unless Mona is going to pay the way for them to all fly? That’d be okay too. It does crack me up how many people are humor and sarcasm challenged. I mean there are still people reading the Onion and posting links about what they’ve read as true news. Lol.
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Yeah, there are HUGE numbers of people that make you wonder how they have survived. I mean, when something seems too ridiculous, don’t you question whether it is made up?
In fact, in January of 2003, after living abroad, I’d never seen the Daily Show. I saw them play a clip of Karen Hughes talking about a group of Abortion Rights Activists and claiming they were terrorists. “No…” I thought. I spent a lot of time looking it up and found out, that she had actually said just that. It began my love for Jon Stewart!
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Oh good grief, Mona is killing me. I must not have known you then. Can I drive the bus? Please, I would love to drive that bus. I do think though, I would put a brick on the gas tank and jump as that bus full of stupid people drove off the cliff.
My problem with stupid people? They seem to breed.
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I’m pretty sure that stupid people adhere to the “abstinence only” form of birth control.
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I am certain you are correct. It is shameful really.
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That’s why they will soon outnumber us. They’re too stupid not to.
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Exactly
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What’s really sad is I’m not surprised at Mona’s story. Sigh.
But the reactions to Peg’s post? C’mon! Really people? Especially the woman who went off and called her a “bitch”. She honestly thought Peg was suing Facebook. I’m afraid the humor gene is almost extinct these days. Either that or these people didn’t actually READ her post. I’m hoping it’s the latter but now I’m not so sure.
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That woman is what inspired me to write this post. What an ass! I think I will go over and check out her blog. She probably writes about having sex with vegetables, but I want to double check.
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You make it seem like having sex with vegetables is a BAD thing (?)
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I guess that depends on the circumstances. Or the circumfrance
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Hahaha! I have a list of passengers for the Express shuttle. I’ll assume Mona is now the President of Stupidville.
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I think Mona is Treasurer 😉 . There will need to be a convoy. The numbers are growing with each comment!
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Hahahaha … I couldn’t help thinking about this all day!
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Hopefully with a smile, not tearing out your hair!
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A big ole smile, especially when one of those packets from my protein powder landed in the blender … haha!
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Phew!
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Great plan! Is there someplace else we can send the mean ones? And the ones who misuse ‘your’ and ‘you’re’? Or the ones (you know who you are) who show up at work on Monday morning all cheerful looking to discuss the latest Booker Prize winner or subtitled indie from Sundance BEFORE I’ve even had coffee? Yeah, I’m thinking one of those Antarctic research stations with two supply boats per year for them. It’s really a public service.
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This proposal requires some actual thought, Barb. I’m absolutely there on sending the folks who misuse “your” and “you’re” — as well as to, two and too and their, there and they’re. However, I fear that means we will have an entire generation of folks being shipped to wherever we decide to send them. It’ll be the entire generation of folks from 13 to around 40. And who will staff our nursing homes?
As for the mean ones, I say we ship them off to Manitoba with the stupid ones. They will drive each other crazy and double our relief from stupidity and meanness. It’s two, two, two mints in one!
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Oh no, you did not say “two mints in one”. That makes you almost as old as me! Next you’ll be asking “Which twin has the Toni?” And humming “I’d like to buy the world a Coke” or “I’m stuck on Band-aid” or “I wish I were an Oscar Mayer Weiner”… (You’re welcome for the brain worms.)
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My brain worms go back even farther. I can remember cigarette ads (The Benson & Hedges “silly milimeter longer” ones were hilarious — even to this decidedly non-smoker)
I am old.
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If you can hum the Alka-Seltzer jingle, we might be twins separated at birth.
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Oh yeah. And the “I can’t believe I ate the whole thing” …
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Sis!
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Your Moan-a story made my head hurt. I would take an aspirin, but no matter how hard I do the twist (or the tango, or the wave) the darn bottle won’t open. Oh, I see the problem. It says “squeeze, and twist”. Get me a lawyer. It doesn’t tell me WHO to squeeze. All that twisting, and I’m sure I’ve sprained something, and still no aspirin. They’re gonna pay.
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You probably need to do “the bump” with the bottle, 99. I’m just guessing. Obviously that bottle is mislabeled. So turn on your TV to the lamest show on (that will be quite a hard choice to make, I know) and pick the first personal injury lawyer you see advertising.
I can actually tell plaintiffs lawyers from defense lawyers in a glance. Plaintiffs lawyers are the ones I’d never buy a used car from.
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one of our local Plaintiff Leeches has a commercial that runs all day and all night on various channels, in which he screams “Do you need a bulldog in the courtroom? Call me, NOW!”
I can be in any room in my house, and when I hear his voice penetrate the quiet of my day, it makes my skin crawl. I can never seem to find the mute button quick enough. Ughghghgh.
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Yes. You can’t escape these folks. It makes me feel greasy just watching those commercials.
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A suggestion for pharmacists: putting a “Do Not Sue” label on every bottle could save you millions in legal costs for stupid lawsuits.
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Somehow, I don’t think that’ll be quite enough. Where there is money at stake, folks will (and DO) sue anybody and everybody. There are so many stories from my job that would make really funny stories. Damn that confidentiality agreement — maybe I should sue my boss for denying me the opportunity to become rich and famous as a stand up comedian.
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Do you have Mona’s lawyer’s phone number? There’s a TV commercial for a drug — I can’t remember which one right now — that apparently makes some people drowsy. At the end, when they’re listing all the side effects, the narrator says “do not drive or operate heavy machinery until you know how [the drug] affects you”. The narrator does NOT say that this applies only to people taking the drug.
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Mona’s lawyer can be found on any late night show you choose to watch!
People sue in spite of the fact that the labels/commercials say exactly what the risks are. They never do say: “You, Suzie, if you take this you may have a problem …” Without a specific warning, well, what is the point of a warning at all?
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Oh my gosh, too bad Mona wasn’t supposed to take her meds for a year… that might have solved that problem (yes, I am kidding… but only because her heirs would have sued).
This also makes me think of the Facebook posts I’ve seen of obviously (to me anyway) satirical “news articles” that people think are true.
Not only are some people humor-challenged, their critical thinking skills are lacking.
Great post!
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WAIT! YOU WERE JOKING????
I think the plethora of dopes is one of the reasons that I don’t do Facebook — I have to face enough dummies in real life.
And critical thinking is slowly becoming extinct.
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“Like one big padded room”. Very clever touches in the above. A delight to read, even as I shake my head at the level of stupidity to which people can stoop/attain. (Would stupidity be measured in an increasing elevation on a chart or a decreasing one, do you think?)
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Glad you liked it, Kirizar. But your question has me scratching my head. Is stupidity measured with an up or a down arrow? Perhaps, given the threat to society, we should have it be flatlining!
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Getting paid for being stupid is easy money. The little thing in the pills id really stupid.
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Damn! All this time I’ve been trying to make money by being smart! (It reminds me of the George W Bush quote — I got Cs — the A and B students are now working for me)
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My mind is trying to remember what stupid things I did didn’t and missed a chance to sue.
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If you’re like me, the list is long!
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Lol
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Love that post! But crying inside at the thought that Mona won. Actual money.
I do that Foghorn Leghorn bit all the time. It’s kind of a litmus test for me to tell if someone is culturally literate, because old cartoons are high culture to me.
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Anybody who doesn’t know Foghorn Leghorn isn’t working on all cylanders.
I was reading comments on your post from yesterday, and I couldn’t believe that folks were commenting on nasty comments to your FACEBOOK post. I mean, seriously? WTF?
Mona really did win (although that is not her real name). Sometimes, stupidity wins. Too often, I’m afraid. But we are still superior to the stupid ones, Peg. You and me and a bunch of our other bloggin’ buddies!
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Peg, delete all those comments! That’s what I do. Delete, delete, delete. Feels so good. (yes, I get nasty stupid negative comments on my parenting skills, crazy huh?)
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Actually, I just think it shows them for the nincompoops they are. Especially when all your loyal minions wrote and said, uh, it’s a joke, son. It simply makes them look humor challenged.
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By deleting comments from imbeciles, you are depriving us all the chance to feel superior. Believe me, that doesn’t happen to me every day. Or very often, for that matter. Can you reinstate them?
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This really cracked me up!
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You have a very good point, Exile! Wish I could, but I was quick to delete them permanently.
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I agree. If it weren’t for imbeciles, I’d feel like an idiot! BTW, am I the only one who stared at “imbeciles” for 5 minutes, thinking the spelling looks wonky? Sometimes I can psych myself out like that.
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Spell check has turned us all into imbeciles, I think, Peg!
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Yeah! What she said! I can’t believe how many people think I’m serious about all this. Maybe I need to post a just kidding intro. Sigh.
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I just did check out her blog, and it made me very sad. I now feel incredibly sorry for her. She set up an “Art” blog. The first post I saw gives step by step instructions on how to make lovely mason jars with paint, ribbons and a glue gun.
We should all just think kind thoughts about this lost soul. Because, Peg, I’m betting she is still wearing the outfit you sported in the photograph.
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Ha! I’m usually afraid to go visit weirdos, like they’ll lure me into their cyber cabin and somehow lock the door on me, hold me prisoner and break both my ankles with a sledge hammer until I write the post the way THEY want it written. I don’t know where I get these ideas.
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You might be condemned to years of scrapbooking if you visit her site.
I always go and look. I look at followers, too. And some very odd followers I have, too!
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Don’t forget to send the judge and jury or whomever folded and settled the case with Mona. Send them all with a 90-day regimen of vitamin pills with one of those little plastic cylinders in them.
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Perfect idea. And I may just get a chance to do something like that. I got a jury duty questionnaire just last week!
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I went over 50 years without jury duty and was the summonsed twice in 5 years. Never sat on a jury once. Now I have a medical excuse and am over it.
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I would find it fascinating, depending on the case, of course. But they’ll never pick me. I write legal/medical stuff, and I pick apart legal arguments for a living!
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There wouldn’t be many people left if we shipped out all the stupid ones. I’m not complaining…just saying…
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We could decrease the surplus population!
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I’m all for it.
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Bah! You humbug you.
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I love it when folks get my Dickens humor!
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In both the best of times and the worst of times, a little humor is always appreciated as I click, click, click away at une souris.
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🙂
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Sad but true, Twindaddy.
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Oh, wow! This is a great post!!!!
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Thanks. I just couldn’t believe that folks didn’t get Peg’s tongue in cheek post.
But my bit? It’s ancient!
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Some people take themselves, and then everyone else, much too seriously. Your bit was hysterical because I know those people. Figuratively. Not literally.
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Aw,now, I had a lovely vacation in Canada this summer! Those people are just super nice!
Can’t we send the stupid people to Russia? Putin has clearly set the standard for stupid there, so they won’t feel out of place. Rick Perry could lead the first convoy.
And I can’t believe that mean old Peg is suing Facebook……!
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Sure, let’s send stupid people to Russia. Let’s put them right next to the nuclear missiles aimed us. 🙂
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You know, I’m starting to wonder if there isn’t a program like this in Russia. They’re sending all the stupid folks to the Ukraine … except for Putin — he missed the bus.
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Bwahahahahaha!
One of your Best Posts Ever, Elyse!
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Sadly, Manitoba Bound was my 3rd post. I worked long and hard on it — in a way I don’t anymore. Hmmmmmm….
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No, you tell them that a giant space goat is going to eat the planet and then you load them on a spaceship to nowhere…that’s how Douglas Adams did it anyway…
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You know that would work. As long as they could get onto the Today show.
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When does the stupid truck depart?
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Not soon enough, I’m sorry to say Sheri. Not soon enough!
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Oh wow, I have to run downstairs and tell my husband the story of Mona. He already knows about Fountain Lady. We still talk about that one. But the Mona one is priceless. And unfortunately, sad too. In fact, so sad I now feel bad for laughing. …But I’m going to tell him anyway.
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It’s a true story, too! It happened at a pharmacy where a friend of mine worked. SHE WON THE LAWSUIT!
Stupid people should not receive huge sums of money. Those should go to us!
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Ha, yes. Spread that dough around.
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