When Madam Weebles wrote about three rude teenagers who insulted her, I was incensed. I wanted to verbally castrate them, but then they have no balls, not even metaphorical ones. But I’ve been thinking about it all day. I’ve never been able to stand people who inflict themselves on others like these girls did to my friend Weebs.
Because for most of my life, I’ve attracted weirdos. People just say strange things to me, often for no reason. Jaw dropingly rude. Sexist. Inappropriate. Some of them are purely mean spirited, like in Weebs’ case. All uncalled for. I’d like to get back at all the people who do that sort of thing.
Do you always think of just the right thing to say if it happens to someone else? Or, when it happens to you, do you think of a clever retort five minutes after the person is gone?
Yeah, me too.
But sometimes I come up with just the right way to get the asshole back. OK, maybe twice I did it. This story was one of those times. And I’m still proud of this moment.
***
It was long, long ago. So long ago that I was still living with my Mom and Dad. Circa 1975, I’m thinking. And Mom had sent me to Medi-Mart, a drug store, on an errand.
I must have been waiting for something, because I was standing in the aisle with the paperback books when a heavy-set greaser-type guy walked up to me.
Who wouldn’t want HIM?
(Google Image)
“Nice tits. I’d like to get my hands on them,” he said to me.
I looked at him, my eyes widening in serious indignation. My retaliatory options quickly ran through my head. In that split second of decision, I knew that could:
- Walk off in a huff;
- Swear at him;
- Hit him with my purse
I also knew that none of those options would be at all satisfying, so I quickly rejected all of the above. Instead, I decided that I would make sure he was never quite so rude to any other young woman ever again. Ever. In fact, I wanted to make sure that the word “tits” would cause his balls to shrivel up and fall off.
So I started flirting with him.
I batted my eyes, laughed. Tipped my head suggestively. Made him think that a guy saying “nice tits” to me was just what I was hoping for in a man.
“Well, how about if I give you a call,” he said after an indecently short time.
“Sure,” I said, I stuck my hand in my purse as if looking for a pen to write down my number. “Why don’t you give me a call, just as soon as …” I looked at him with adoration, “just as soon as your voice changes. OK?”
“OK,” he said, a bit confused right off the bat. And then he realized exactly what I meant.
“Why you BITCH!” he shouted at me as I walked away.
Fortunately, my dog, Kling, a large, protective German Shepherd mix was waiting for me in the car. Because you should never piss off a greaser unless you have backup.
FiftyFourandAHalf 
Nice play Elyse! Wish I could think of things like that – I’m usually just standing there with my mouth open in outrage!
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Thanks, Benze. But it was only the one time (OK, maybe there were two). I’m usually standing there next to you with my mouth open! Although our running commentary would be worth publishing, I’m thinking!
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Or the things we think of 2 minutes later! Boy I wish I had a power where I could freeze time for a moment so I could get out a good retort!
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Absolutely!
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It’s been a long time since anyone said anything like that to me. I’m not sure if I would have turn and ran or kneed him in the groin. Probably the run thing.
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It’s been a long time since anybody said something like that to me, either! And you know, when they DO you get pissed off, and when they DON’T, well, that’s a different story!
Sigh.
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A checkmate in two moves, this was genius, Elyse! A comeback is much more effective when they don’t expect one.
Personally, after all my years of improvising jokes on the spot, I still won’t have a good comeback every time. On the other hand, I have a VERY thick skin, so I don’t have to.
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As you were flicking your hair, I was waiting for the swift knee to the crotch! Nonetheless, touche!
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The witty retort is mightier than the knee … It’s a well known saying.
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Thus a methodology worthy of the throne.
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Now THAT’S a good comeback!! But you definitely need a big dog on standby when you say a line like that.
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Yeah. Otherwise I’d be a statistic!
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I meant “yeah I needed the dog”. Oy …..
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I knew what you meant. 🙂
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A coupla months back, I told my mom about a conversation I had with a guy. After asking him why he divorced, he told me, “Oh, I beat my wife. Stuff like that, She just didn’t understand.” I had no comeback and because I didn’t know him that well, I didn’t know if he was serious or not. My mom told me I should have said, “Oh, I like kicking some ass from time to time myself.”
I usually have a comeback but that one threw me off. Her response tickles me every time I think of it.
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Oh Lord. I wouldn’t have been able to think of a response to that, either. Especially since when somebody asks me a difficult question, I avoid telling a lie by saying the truth in an outraged tone!
Steer clear of that guy. He may do re same!
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I am good with a comeback but it takes me about 24 hours to think of it. I’m impressed with your quick thinking!
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It helps to be the youngest of 5, I think! But I don’t usually come up with them until the next day, either.
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Ugh, I hate that men feel they can say such things to women. I had a kid– seriously, he looked like he was about 20– say “Hey Bitch, wanna sit on my face?” as I passed him on a sidewalk (granted it was 2AM and on a college campus outside a bar). I was so taken aback but my righteously drunk Sister in Law said something to the effect of “Why don’t you bend over so I can f*ck you in the ass?” (not really sure where that came from). I’m laughing because she’s like 98 pounds but ready to tear him up but then he and his friends start laughing and he bends over and grabs his ankles.
I made the best possible decision in this situation and placed my foot on his back and pushed him forward onto his face.
Not sure if I’m proud of this moment, but he really ought not to have said such a thing to a passing stranger.
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Actually it sounds wonderfully satisfying to me!
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*looks around suspiciously*
*leans in*
*lowers voice*
It was.
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I’ll never tell. I promise.
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I know that AH man I should of said moments. But you did good with the greaser!! Bravo! 🙂
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Merci!
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Ick. I hope that by now, most of his kind has gone extinct.
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We can only hope!
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Guy sounds like a real catch. Nicely done, he had it coming.
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Thank you Trent. I’m betting no one would have needed that line with you!
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Well, I’m not really the greaser type, to be honest. That would be weird. But I am a guy, and guys are typically dumb.
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Greaser-types (like this guy) rarely have a way with words!
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Nicely done. I would have had a difficult time recovering from that remark because of the vomiting.
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I think this guy bore the brunt of all the earlier comments I’d been fending off for years by that time. I developed fully quite early (between 6th and 7th grades) and the boys were not terribly mature about it …
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Nice one!
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Thanks, TD.
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Hahaha! Oh Elyse you know I’m not surprised at your badassness! I was dying when I saw the Fat Fonzie photo…ugh….don’t you want to scream “Get A Mirror!”
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He was a handsome dude, yup. Couldn’t wait to bring him home to Mom and Dad.
(I remember telling my parents this story. My Mom laughed. Dad turned green first at the audacity of the guy, then when he realized that I understood what happened to a man when his voice changed!
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Good one!
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Awwwww, shucks, Clinton. (Remember, do not mess!)
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Because for most of my life, I’ve attracted weirdos.
This made me laugh, because my friends called me “Mary” (as in, There’s Something About Mary) for a good chunk of years. I seem to have lost some of my weirdo allure recently . . .
But, wait, am I jinxing myself saying this?
Oh, shoot.
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No, no jinx, if you ask me. The weirdos are just different at different points of life. Like the ones who tell you how to be pregnant, how to raise your child.
Have I given you something to look forward to?
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Do you honestly mean to tell me that his poetic choice of words didn’t have you swooning in the aisles, ready to follow him anywhere? What a pr*ck, and I use that word in good faith, as I doubt he had much to show for his bravado. Loved the story, and loved your ability to lead him to the water, just so you could stick his head under and watch him drown. Ughgh
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Hard to believe I didn’t beg him to marry me right there on the spot. He said some other equally choice things, but I forgot exactly what.
It is still the line that I remember when I am trying to think of one for a different situation. This one never worked again, though! And I’ve missed most of the subsequent moments …
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And yet further proof of why you rock!
I’m sorry Kling wasn’t there to bite him from the getgo.
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Kling had much better taste! But when pissing off a big badass, I do recommend a large aggressive-looking dog as your backup.
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Nice retort! Sometimes I can think of one, others I can’t. My retort to this scumbucket would have me dead or missing teeth.
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That would have improved his appearance. He was, umm, a jewel.
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I am way behind the times. What in the hell is a “greaser”? I’m glad you told this guy off, but what does that mean? (He was greasy?)
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Oh, Linda. Your comment made me feel young again. Seriously.
“Greaser” is the term used for the “bad” boys from the 50s and 60s (and, sigh, 70s). John Travolta in GREASE was one. Marlin Brando often played them. James Dean? Yup. They were guys generally dressed in leather who slicked back their hair (are you old enough to remember Brylcreem?)
Greasers were never a mother’s dream for the guy who should date their daughter. They were generally not the brightest bulbs in the package — and this guy was a perfect example of the reason why!
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Okay, now I get it. I’m older than dirt, Elyse! I just never knew what the term actually meant. It’s kind of a biker type guy. I was thinking you meant a guy who was a car mechanic (oil and grease) or something.
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I wonder if it is more of a regional language thing. Because a “Greaser” is very much like a biker guy. Same wardrobe.
Have a good day!
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Well played! I never think of witty retorts on the spot. When someone says something snarky or rude to me I usually just stare at them and remain silent, their words hanging ugly in the air. The reasonably decent people will realize what they said and be uncomfortable. The clueless ones will never get it no matter what I do. At least that’s my thinking.
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Except for the guy in this story. I’d bet large sums of money that he never used his line again on anybody: “Nice tits, I’d like to get my hands on them.”
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It’s such a skin-crawling, icky line, too.
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The line of a guy who never, or rarely, DOES get his hands on them!
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Exactly!
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Shazam! Way to slay him!
I’m the one who always things of the perfect retort 15 minutes later. In the moment, I’m always so shocked that my brain shuts down.
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Normally, that happens to me too. I have been clever only a few times in my life in this situation. I think of perfect retorts for everybody else, though. So that’s good, too, right?
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