Normally, I like to wait until about noon to face the day’s failure. FailureS.
In fact, I try to put this knowledge off as long as possible. Some days I wait to learn what I’ve done wrong until it’s time to leave the office when I realize all the things I’ve forgotten to do. Usually with someone chasing me to the elevator saying “did you … ?”
Other times, helpful drivers point out my driving failures with a finger gesture on my way home.
On yet other days, I wait until I get home, where my husband, son, dog or the resident birds and squirrels can chip away at my self-esteem.
Not today.
Nope.
Today, since I woke up early (and learned that I picked the wrong lottery numbers by mistake), I treated myself to a nice breakfast. Eggs! And as I sat down to enjoy their yellow, fluffy goodness, I realized that I was a total failure. I made mistakes cooking my eggs.
It’s true. Huffington Post told me so — during my second bite, when I clicked on this article:
9 Mistakes You’re Making With Scrambled Eggs
Apparently I am easily satisfied because mine tasted great. But who am I to know?
Photo: Google, of course.
My own misteggs caught in my throat on the second bite.
It’s going to be a bad day.
FiftyFourandAHalf 
I knew I wasn’t doing scrambled eggs perfectly, but I had no idea I was doing everything wrong. Thanks for this post, Elyse. Also, I loved how you said you’d picked the wrong lottery numbers by mistake. So easy to do.
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Isn’t it amazing how you can go through life screwing up everything completely and not even knowing? It is quite helpful, I think that the internet exists to inform me of my failures. The first failure being stupidly clicking on those damn articles to begin with.
I picked wrong lottery numbers this weekend by mistake, again. There is a pattern here.
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If you cooked the eggs, ate them, and survived, then you did it right. Those lists crack me up. What’s next? 12 mistakes vacuuming? 10 ways to make better ice cubes?
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I could use the vacuuming tips, I’m sure. The thing about these lists is that I think they are asinine AND I STILL CLICK ON THEM!
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Me too! What’s wrong with me??
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We’re suckers!
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Your lottery numbers were probably right just the wrong day or the wrong state or country. The eggs well, I really do not like them the concept of where they come from turns me off.
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It’s always something to keep me from those hundreds of millions I deserve.
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What do they know anyway? You go ahead & enjoy your eggs any way you want them!
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Thanks, Benze!
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If you got the eggs out of their shells before you ate them, I’d say you’re doing alright.
Tagged as “criminal activity”???? Something tells me miscooked eggs wasn’t the worst thing you did that day.
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I agree. That ‘s why I was so annoyed with the article. And with myself for clicking on it.
Nobody but you notices the tags! Cracks me up!
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“cracks you up?” Eggs? yolk, yolk, yolk.
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We could just keep cracking yolks until our brains are scrambled.
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Hey, look on the bright side. There were only nine mistakes. It could be worse. If there is something to worry about, the media will let you know. It’s a miracle we are alive to make fun of these reports! 😉
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I agree!
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Clearly my iPad doesn’t like snark. Because I added something hilarious to that comment and it vanished. It was hilarious, though, Lorna. Trust me …
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There are days when I want to scream “has anyone noticed the bizzilion things I did well?” Haters gonna hate Elyse, haters gonna hate.
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Nobody DOES notice those things, Tops.
But the thing that bugged me so much about this article was the arrogance and the “mine is the only way” attitude. Excuse me, perhaps I like mine differently , jerk face.
The author–not you. I rarely even think my blog in’ buddies are jerk-faces!
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The internet. Now even more effective than your mother at telling you everything you do wrong.
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Brilliant!
Although in my family it is my psychotic brother who tells me what I do wrong. Which is everything.
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Man, I’m a wreck. I violated every rule. Don’t add liquids to scrambled eggs? Ridiculous! Of course that liquid separates out – that’s what the damn toast is for!
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You are a wise woman!
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The only mistake you made is reading the Huffington Post during breakfast. As other commenters said, if you can eat it without any long term impact to your health, it isn’t a failure.
P.S. I couldn’t open the HuffPost article, and on the second thought, maybe I should just leave it at that.
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I do tend to go for those silly articles first thing. I mean, how can eggs be bad!
I don’t think I captured my attitude about the article very well; this was totally tongue in cheek. I mean, I know how to cook eggs; the author implies she was the only one who did. Kind of like saying that everybody else was breathing wrong.
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You did capture the attitude.
And it’s not surprising that on a silly matter like cooking eggs the author has to sound like that – otherwise, she wouldn’t be taken seriously as an eggspert.
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I used to work at a place where they wrote headlines using puns like this. I didn’t think they were eggsceptional.
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Imagine having to do that for a living. I should think it would become eggseedingly irritating.
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That one is eggstraordinary!
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Like yourself, I pick out the wrong lottery numbers by mistake too. The few times I’ve played anyhow . Heck, I make mistakes and forget to even play. We must stop making those kinda errors and learn how to make eggs.
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Isn’t that the most annoying thing, Totsy, when you know what the number is gonna be and you just don ‘t wanna bother with bubbles.
But when we win, somebody else can make the darn eggs!
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OK, I watched the Huff Po thing and I will have you know that I make the world’s BEST scrambled eggs. it’s the only thing I can cook very well, actually. They say the mark of a good cook is if they can make good eggs. Well, I’m here to also say the mark of a bad cook is if they can ONLY make good eggs.
My tips: whip the hell outta them, until you see tiny bubbles. Put them in a pan that has been sprayed with nonstick butter. Set heat to medium, not too hot. Then stir stir stir. Add a bit of cheese. Add salt after they go on the plate. Bingo, best eggs ever. Fluffy perfection. Next time you’re in Maine, I’ll whip some up for you because you’re a good egg, Elyse.
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Darla, I bet your eggs are the cat’s meow. First rate delish! But I doubt that you are such a bad cook. After all, you are a creative genius! And if anyone complains a out the food, send them to me. I’ll set them straight (or possibly on fire).
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Thanks, Elude, I apparently completely fail at scrambled egg making. My hubby must be lying to me when he gobbles them up; clearly, they are garbage. :p
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And spell checking eludes me as well apparently. (Auto correct, it’s Elyse, dang it.)
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Don’t worry. You’re fine as long as you don’t call me Elsie. Then you are toast. Sans eggs.
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Duly noted. I would much rather stay on your good side than face the crackdown of the great Elyse. 😉
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Where did I get this image from?!? Sigh.
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Is ‘t it amazing how your families survived without the order from this writer? How impossiblE life was before. But that fact simply Eluded me until today 😉
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Sigh. 🙂 You know what, I’m gonna keep putting my dang milk in and beat the eggs as long as I feel cause I’m a free woman, and I can eat my crappy eggs my way!
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And I’m going to cook them as long as I like, in spite of this writer. (That feels good — we are liberated women, and I for one am not pregnant)
I put water in mine because the frugal gourmet, many years ago told me that milk makes eggs watery and water makes them creamy. And because I rarely have milk around.
But I think the world has room for eggs cooked in many ways. Because I am a liberal, I will think liberal eggy thoughts.
Or maybe I’m tired. You see, I woke up early and …
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Not pregnant either. Lol. Women unite over doing with their eggs as they please.
Boom.
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Night!
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“Other times, helpful drivers point out my driving failures with a finger gesture on my way home.”
Ah, most of them drive worse anyway. I’ve only flipped the bird once, and it was well-earned. I hate when people keeping going when the traffic is backed up. The result: someone blocks the intersection and the left lane doesn’t get to go at all. The reminder: a finger hanging out a window within reach.
I was meaner when I was younger. Ah well, my friend (he was a vehicle in front of me) and I laughed about that for months.
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You have only flipped the bird to another driver ONCE!!!!!!!!!!
Are you a saint? Will you please put in a good word for me with the traffic gods?
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Get ready to change your undies, then. I’ve only hit 1 animal in almost 10 years of driving. Been in one wreck (on ice). I haven’t tailgated in like 8 years. Oh, and I’ve never honked my horn at anyone, either.
Now, I feel like some kind of messiah…
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You always have great taste, Elyse :-).
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I should have better taste in which articles I choose to read!
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I’m loving the comments… they are eggcelent!
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My followers are eggzemplary commenters!
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Humbug on silly Huffington, did you like the eggs? Did they taste good? Were you happy?
Well then success!!
Besides, whoever heard of eggs without Tabassco! So what the hell do they know.
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Actually, it is an irritating article — we all have our ways, and yes, they can often be improved upon. But this wasn’t a recipe, it was a list of egg-zact orders.
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egg-zactly and ridiculous.
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Val, this is really quite odd, and it has happened several times — I replied to someone else’s comment and it flew down and appeared after YOUR comment.
I just wanted you to know that I am not drinking at lunch!
As for Tobassco with my eggs, I’m afraid I can’t. No spicy food. Life is boring … and now HuffPost tells me I can’t cook my eggs right. I’m tellin’ ya Val, life is damn hard …
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On your face! Thanks for validating why I don’t read newspapers, magazines or online gospels. Everyone is an expert on something. Cave life, where I can eat whatever I want – whenever, is looking attractive. 🙂 Thanks for adding smiles to my scrambled morning.
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Don’t worry, Eric. I’ll let you know about the important stuff.
But you should have cracked into this post earlier. I’m sure you would have done eggstremely well in my pun-off with El Guappo!
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I’m over it. Easy.
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Fun article… however, the link isn’t working … I’ll just have to schlep over to HuffPo and find it….
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My comment to your comment ended up several comments below where I expected it to be …
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That sounds very existential….
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Elyse, your link didn’t work for me, but the way to make scrambled eggs FOR SURE is to make them in a pan and stir them with a chopstick. Perfection.
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Thanks — I changed the link, so it works for me, anyway.
This article taught me a valuable writing lesson: Do not irritate your readers or they will blog about you!
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Hysterical.
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You are a great audience! Welcome!
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On the bright side, you can distract your troubles with egg puns.
Sigh.
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You’re right. I’llbe cracking them all day.
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Hey! You poached my next pun!
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Egg-zactly my plan.
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Nice. That one crepe-t up on me.
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Using a crepe-pun is a bit of an eggageration, Guap.
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Accuse me all you like. I can take it. (I have a hard shell.)
I thought crepe was pretty good! For a pun, that is.
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You’re cracked, Guap.
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Nice! This round is yours!
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Sorry to have egged you on for so long.
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It’s not often I feel beaten.
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You mean sunny side…
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I think you need to tell the Huffington Post to take their eggs and…well, you see where I’m going with this…
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I think you’re going out of the frying pan with this one,Carrie!
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Screw em if they can’t take a yolk!
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Somebody had to say it,Ross. It’s nice to know you’re there to do it!
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Hmm…well, you know…I have days when I allow myself to feel like I’m a total wimp, can’t do anything right and that no one loves me. I even remember that song about the worm who got eaten because you know, he wasn’t liked at all. BUT then, the thing is to get up , brush off the dust and forge ahead again because the treasure is just round the corner!! Hope you feel better soon! 🙂
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I have those days too. But tragic cooking errors don’t fit into them. This article cracked me up — I mean really. The author makes Martha Stewart seem laid back!
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Elyse,
I think there’s more than a few ways to crack an egg.
Speaker7
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And probably as many ways to groan
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You cooked the eggs, you ate the eggs. Success. End of story.
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What? I don’t need to agonize? Worry? Commit suicide? (Or would it be eggicide?)
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Let it go, free yourself from such eggscrutiating self-criticism!
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I’ve cracked that problem!
But you know, I always do click on these stupid articles. Aren’t there better things to read? Yes ….
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Oh and, sorry if my English isn’t that good, I’m actually Argentinian!
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Your English is fine. In fact, I’m impressed if it is your second language. I lived in french-speaking Switzerland for 5 years and my french is awful.
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Hahaha! Something similar happened to me 2 days ago, when I was trying to do an omelette for me, by myself and not knowing even how to do it. I thought “Well, how hard can it be? I mean It’s only eggs and a bit of Jam and done!”
Huge mistake. It didn’t, by all means, have either the form or flavor (how could I even possibly messed up with FLAVOR? I mean it’s only EGGS for god’s sake!) of an omelette. I’ve got really pissed off at myself for not being able to done what I always thought it would be, a simple cooking meal. And for the fact that I messed up my lunch and I was going to have to cook something else. Reeaaaaaaaaaaally frustrating, hahaha.
Anyway, don’t ever underestimate simple cookings, they can mess with your life pretty bad if you think about it! Haha.
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Thanks for stopping by, Blaack! Or do you prefer Reality (which can be sooooo harsh!).
My eggs were quite tasty, actually. But I’ve been cooking them for 50 years so I have practiced! That’s all that’s really involved in cooking — practice. And it sounds like you need some! You’ll get there. And you don’t need an article to tell you your mistakes — in cooking they are usually obvious. At least mine are!
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Haha!, Please, call me Francis. I’m not either black, or… well, actually I am quit realistic all the time, but well, I wouldn’t put it as my name.
I love cooking, therefore I cook every day. And most of things I’ve learned them by myself, or figuring them out, so I guess that the frustration for not being able to figure what I thought it was a quite easy meal to make, was the main trigger of my disappointment! But, as you well said it, I do need more practice. I’m quite young so I’m sure I have time for that! Hahaha,
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Well now …. I think you need this.
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Mr. Rogers didn’t think anyone was a failure. The world isn’t so kind, Frank. It just isn’t that kind.
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Well .. .how about this? http://youtu.be/xFrGuyw1V8s
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I think the answer is not to click on stupid posts that try to give me complexes about non-complex types of things!
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What??? You didn’t look???? I’m crushed
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At your Abba clip? I did, actually. Quickly though, because, well, you know…
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Apparently the rumors of him serving as a sniper in the military aren’t true… My favorite thing to say about him is that if he asks you to be his neighbor you better say yes. Ah… I should have known it was too good to be true.
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Somehow I think it’s generally a less lovely day in a neighborhood where there is a sniper. Just a guess (oh, and actually I was here in DC when there was a sniper around. It was decidedly not lovely.
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