Back when I worried about my own car repairs, whenever a part was replaced, a mechanic would hand me the old greasy thing to prove that he had replaced that oil pan, brake pad, battery. I never quite knew what to do with them. Take them home? Donate them to Good Will? Make them into fine art?
(Google image)
I always thanked them very much and took the greasy gunk home where I threw it out. I understood why they did it, it was to ensure that they really did replace your oil pan, brake pad or battery. That they weren’t cheating you. I got that part.
But I came home with something today that, well, I am a wee bit baffled to have in my possession. I don’t know quite what to do with it. And I’m pretty sure I didn’t think that cheating me was an issue this time. And believe me, I’m sure they did the work.
You see, I had a medical procedure today. Down there. I had the colostomy patient’s version of a colonoscopy, an ileo-rectal sigmoidoscopy. It was to find out what’s going on down there, to see what has been making me sick in the last few months and to figure out what to do next. The procedure is a pain in the ass in that it is inconvenient, takes up a whole day plus prep. But in the overall scheme of things, it’s really no big deal. Plus they give me great drugs.
The good news is that I’m not doing too badly. I will be taking drugs for a while, but none of the drugs that scare the bejesus out of all of us when we see their ads on TV where the list of how the drug will kill you goes on for longer than the program. That’s good news.
And I am feeling better already so I can stop whining about my health, which is good news for you all.
But in addition to instructions on what to do tonight – take it easy, don’t drink, call us if you puke — I got a whole packet of information in a glossy file folder, which I figured would take its place in a file drawer with a packet of other similar folders. Until I opened the file folder and saw that it contained color pictures.
I am the proud owner of several full color glossy photos of my asshole.
Next time, I will go prepared with a picture of my own:
(Google photo — Sadly, not me.)
FiftyFourandAHalf 
Dear Elyse,
It is a great life skill to fin humor in such circumstances. I am wishing you comfort.
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Thanks, Naomi!
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I have to say if my butt looked like that girls butt I would let the world take pictures of it!
I’m so glad you got only positive news.
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I’m sure that she wouldn’t have posed in that way if she didn’t want it to become of photo op!
Thanks Michelle. I wouldn’t characterize it as all positive news, but I’ll take what I can get for now.
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OMG. LOL.
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Hi El!
Funny you should comment just now, because my comment notifications hadn’t worked for days — guess what happened immediately after I hit “Publish” on a bitch about Word Press and notifications?
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Oh, Elyse, I have similar pics from two occassions. They are quite entertaining. The places cameras can go and the things they can see are a marvel to me. I’m so glad you’re going to be okay and I sure wish you continued healing in the nether regions because it sure isn’t fun. Take it easy and if you can figure out how I can get a behind like the one in the picture at my age, I’ll be eternally grateful! 🙂
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If I figure out how to get one of those butts, Eleanor, I will order a whole mess of them. Your name will be on one of them.
Isn’t it hilarious that they give you the photos, though? I mean what should I do with them? What sort of frame should I use to display them?
Thanks for your well wishes, Eleanor!
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Send them to Hustler. I’m sure they’d love them.
yeah i’m due for my next colonoscopy in 2012.
whoops….
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It’s not so bad, Cooper.
AND I finished Twisted Ties. Go read my review!
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LMFAO omg Elyse. Thank you for that. I just woke right the f up. hahahaha
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Think of how you’d feel if I’d posted the picture …
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Hahahaha!
Just came home from a root canal: thank you for making my day seem so much less dire!
In all seriousness, though, I’m glad you are feeling generally OK, and that your medical news wasn’t too bad. Be well!
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I’m a dental phobe. They can do whatever they need to with the bottom, but the top? Nope!
Thanks for your well wishes, Moms.
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I won’t make any more fun of this Elyse…. I’m just thankful that the outcome was good for you. Stay healthy.
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Oh, GOF, you can go ahead and make all the fun you want. Especially since you inspired this piece.
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Glad to hear nothing is amiss. You know I feel your pain and I hope that your recovery goes quicker than mine did. Enjoy the good drugs while you can, my friend!
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Well, Lorna, I wouldn’t go so far as to say nothing is amiss. But it isn’t as bad as I feared, and that makes all the difference.
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True. It’s all relative.
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Your final photo left me laughing out loud, for real. But seriously, I’m sorry you haven’t been feeling well, but glad there is medicine to help. As for the folder of photos of your ass… hmmm… I’ve got nothing. (Not too inspired today, as I’m getting over some pukey bug- but really enjoyed the laugh).
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M2M, glad I made you laugh. That was the idea. I was laughing when I looked at the picture, too!
Sorry you’ve been under the weather too. Sucks to be sick!
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Nice panties, Elyse. I like them.
Here’s a tip. Next time your husband is irritating you or something just whip out one of the photos and ask him if he likes the portrait you had made of him.
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Sadly, those are not my panties and that isn’t the area in question. And if I ever looked like that, well, nobody told me about it.
But telling my husband that he is an asshole, even on the very rare time when he really is an asshole, doesn’t achieve my objective. But seriously, my husband is a good guy. Sometimes I have to just let him get away with it!
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You took all the fun out of my comment…
I just thought it would be funny…
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OOps. I am not batting 1000 tonight, apparently.
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Gotta wonder, would you consider making them a collage to be used as a banner here? ,,,, You could even change the blog title to Elyse’s Best Side. … Hope all is well!
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You are toast Frank. And to think, I’ve always been nice to you. No more, sucka!
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LOL … I just like to be an idea generator!
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Nope, Frank. You’re toast.
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Did you tell John my suggestion?
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Nope. He wouldn’t appreciate it! John has a great sense of humor. But I’m betting it doesn’t include his wife’s asshole on a public banner. Just guessing.
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Lucky you!! I was shown photos/diagrams of the giant tumor I had removed years ago. It was then when I knew I could be in the medical field because it didn’t phase me at all. I was fascinated.
I’ve had several things removed in my time (appendix, ovary, fallopian tube, ovarian cyst, uterus etc. etc.) and I am really disappointed they never sent me home with any of my body parts in a jar. Would have looked so lovely next to the clock on the mantel.
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I always thought that your house would be full of interesting things, Darla, but it would surprise me to see a uterus on your mantle. On a shelf in the kitchen, ok. But the mantle is just soooooooo tacky.
I end up looking at pictures of yucky things all the time in medical journals (including the time I was thumbing through the NEJM at lunch and was treated to a picture of “black hairy tongue” — that was a great day for my diet). But somehow the humor of being given (well, for probably $35K) a picture of my asshole, well, it was impossible to resist.
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That is awesome! Now you have a profile pic for that new Facebook account you started no thanks to me.
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I did consider changing my avitar … gravitar … thingy.
But it’s a full frontal picture, actually. I now understand exactly why I am camera shy.
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Oh the stuff we have to go through just to get the answers! Include that photo in next year’s holiday greeting 🙂 = Just kidding.
made you laugh though (I Hope)
Take care Elyse!
MJ
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There are loads of possibilities for those pictures. And yours is a good one. But I think I need to do the whole family, including the dog!
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I have a drawer full of MRI’s from the last 20 years. Yep, keep them all so there is historical evidence. But that is one picture I don’t have, I think I like your solution to the next time!
Glad you are doing better. More than happy overall things are well.
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Thanks, Val. I’ll be on additional drugs for 3 months and hopefully that will solve/push off the problems. We’ll see. But I won’t feel like crap quite so often and that in and of itself is a plus.
I do keep these, too. I never need them. Never look at them. Never have to share them with another doctor. I’m trying to decide who should get them in my will.
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I’m a little disappointed you didn’t update your avatar.
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I’m considering it Laura. If it suddenly changes from a lovely oceanscape to something that looks more like the eye of a hurricane, you will be the first to know I took your suggestion!
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Hahaha!!
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Careful Darla, if my Maine picture turns into a hurricane-like picture you will be frighteningly near the eye.
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Glad it all came out well — the news, the photos, Exhibits A, B, C. Take care.
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Thanks, Georgette. The photos are quite glamorous — and the color is embarrassingly good!
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Reminds me of childbirth, when the nurse positions a mirror so you can see everything that’s going on down there. Personally, I declined the mirror. There are just some images I never want stuck in my head. Glad you’re feeling better!
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Thanks Lisa. Yes, even as a fake medical professional, you know, I don’t need pictures. Thanks, but no thanks!
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Ahhhh, souvenirs!
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And they only cost $12,896,546!
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Whew! I’m glad you made out well. I got good news yesterday as well…it’s nice to breathe. As for those photos….why am I imagining future generations sitting around asking “Is this g-moms butt when it was young?”
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I’m thinking of getting a family portrait of assholes. You know, for next year’s Christmas cards!
Glad you got good news too. No gorillas, I presume 😉
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No gorillas!! Hahahahaha I WANT that card….hahahaa!
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🙂
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When I had a few toe joints removed, I deliberately asked the doctor for the remnants, and brought them home in a jar so my boys could see them and perhaps learn from them. Not one, not one of them, is a medical doctor today, and I’m pissed. BTW, yours is a lovely ass.
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I personally would have become a podiatrist had you shown me your toe joints when I was a child. Damn it, you didn’t.
I think you meant to say that I am a lovely ass not that I have one. You see, that’s not my picture up there. I have some standards. Not many, but some.
Thanks for stopping by, Hassie. With or without your toes!
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traumatic….
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Makes me question whether investing in my new glasses was worth the cost …
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Okay. I am preparing for my upcoming urr exam next month. This will be my second time on the old camera stick and was shutting the whole thing out of my mind until now. Somehow, someway you have given me a positive spin on the whole roto rooter thing. My mind and my a$$ thanks you. Hope all is well in the end. 😉
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In the end? Nice pun.
Good luck with your procedure. They really are no big deal — and I say this from years and years of having to have them. Relax, ignore (but do the prep, enjoy the drugs. All the things that go on in my mind before hand make the procedure terror when it just isn’t. We torture ourselves, don’t we?!
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Glad to hear that your health is fine.
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Thanks Sandee. Laughter is the best medicine after all. I guess!
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I was sure you were going to say they gave you your appendix in a bottle or something – photos of your innards are bad enough though. Maybe you should post them on instagram.
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My appendix is long gone — it went with my large intestine 30 years ago.
But the photos are mostly of the outside! “Here,” I can say to anybody, “is my asshole. See, I’m not such a big one after all!”
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That is too funny – and I wonder why the took those shots for you, you know you never really get to look at your own asshole.
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I actually have to have this done about once a year. So I can compare and find out if I am more of an asshole this year than last! Most people would say that it depends on who you talk to, but I’ll say “one picture is worth …”
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LOL – you have a great attitude about it for sure!
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Laughin and cryin it’s the same release! Nobody says what kind of a release self-humiliation is, though.
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So true – and when you are dealing with things like this there’s not a lot of options. Self-humiliation – well putting it out there takes guts if you ask me.
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Ahhh…the joys of having to intersect with the medical profession from time to time in our lives…they just don’t know how to be delicate about anything!! Glad you can see the huge amount of humor in it all!! Prayers for continued good reports!!
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Thanks Sage, not having to do the nasty drugs has made me feel 100% better. The rest I can manage.
As for the lack of sensitivity, I think when you deal with the temple that is the human body (what idiot came up with that metaphor?) you lose all sense of perspective. Now what do they think I will do with these photos?
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Ahh..the temple…very Biblical!! I visited my sister several years ago in NYC…she’s a singer…and on her refrigerator was a photo of her damaged vocal cords! Look that photo up on Google, and tell me what that looks like! Ha!
If your photos are really impressive..make bathroom wallpaper out of them!!! LOL!
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That’s a thought, put them on my fridge. Unique decorating and diet aid, all rolled into one!
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You’re funny!!
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That’s the idea! Thanks!
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Oh, and we have pictures of tumors my husband has removed mixed in with family photos on our computer. 🙂
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That’s pretty funny. Does anybody guess what it is?
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Not too much, but the other day my husband was prepping for a surgery partly by watching a video of the procedure…our kids asked a few times, even the next day, if we could watch “the sinus surgery” again!
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Maybe you have future doctors!
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Wow! Lucky you?!? Hope all turns out well for you!
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I am lucky, and thanks for the good wishes!
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Totally worth it if you’re feeling better! (And I hope they manage to pin down and fix whatever it is.)
Keep the pictures with you. Then, if you’re eveer visiting friends and they say “oh, you must see the slides of our visit to the glue factory!”, you can pre-empt them with “Yes! And then I can shoe you the slides of my ass!”
If any of your friends say “Cool!”, I’d really like to go out for a beer with them. My kind of people!
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I have guests coming in from Europe next week. I plan to put the photos on display on the dining room table. I know they’ll just love it.
And you would like to have beer with my friends. I know I certainly do!
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Whew! I thought they gave you vile with some gross body tissues. Glad everything is okay and you should be doing better.
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Thanks SHO, No physical specimens, although I’m sure that’s only because they didn’t take anything out!
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😆
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Careful what you do with them… that’s blackmail material! 🙂
Glad the news was good… I hope you keep feeling better, and are back to normal quickly.
Enjoy the good drugs!
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You know, John, I’m not sure there is anything identifying me as the owner of this particular asshole. So I think I’m safe unless they stick a photo of me along with a newspaper next to the picture, that is!
Sadly the good drugs were only for the procedure. The ones I’ll be taking make my mouth taste like I’ve been licking my shoe. Yuck. C’est la vie.
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Well, at least it didn’t make your mouth taste like you’d been licking your…. well… y’know…
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Well, the drug I’ll be taking makes it taste so incredibly vile that I’m not sure it would be worse if I were a contortionist. But I don’t know if the flavor would be the same. And that’s a good thing!
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Ah, a little something for the grandkids in the future. How lovely.
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It is my best side!
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