Did you know that I am a fashion maverick? It’s true. I have been for years. Or am I a fashion maven? I forget. But I’m one of the two.
Actually, I was truly a young fashion trailblazer. In 6th grade, I became the very first 10-year-old girl to wear nylons to school. Yup. I did. I was very grown up. And I wore them with a garter belt the boys found irresistible. No, I was a good girl. I didn’t try to show it to them. But it was the sixties, the mini-skirt era. And I was, at that time, really good in math. The teacher, clearly a perv, often had me write the correct answers to homework problems on the blackboard. High up on the blackboard. There certainly was a lot of noise when I had my back turned. Boys were so stupid.
I’m pretty sure I first wore nylons on one of those days when my mother went to work early and didn’t see me. But still, I did it first. The popular girls just couldn’t believe it was me – that I got there before they did.
Now you guys reading this are nodding off. Stop it. Just wait. Skim.
Throughout junior high and high school, my fashion firsts continued. I was also the first person to wear torn up blue jeans to school, and to go braless. (See guys, I told you it would improve.)
Anyway, now that I am an adult, I am a wee bit more self-conscious in my fashion trail-blazing. So I need some advice.
I’ve just gotten this new pair of jeans and, well, I just can’t decide where to wear them first. I was so excited when I first saw these pants. They’re just so me.
They’re made by a Texas textile company, American Tactical Apparel. The idea belongs to Brian Hoffner, a long-time Houston police officer who describes himself as “kind of a renaissance man,” according to this article. Interestingly, the idea to make special pants to conceal his gun, came to him (ahem) while he was visiting a prostitute with a gun strapped to his thigh. (I don’t know why, but I have few commercially successful ideas when I am visiting hookers. And even fewer when I am afraid that I might shoot myself.)
Anyway, these jeans, along with a line of khakis and other apparel, are designed for the fashion-conscious gun-toter. And it’s none too soon if you ask me. It has been such an inconvenience sticking my handgun in my bra.
What do you think? Where should I wear these jeans – and should I wear my Susan G. Komen Pink Hope 22 or go semi-automatic?
Please, help me out here.
The only problem is there is only one holder. And it is pretty small. Where can I put my M-16?
FiftyFourandAHalf 
You might need to add some gun toting leg warmers for that weapon.
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Ooh, that sounds hot!
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It totally is. I’d let you borrow mine, but my husband drooled all over them.
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The stock price on your hot husband just went down, you know. Way down.
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That’s okay. I have enough cheating dreams (him on me) for some god awful reason. I don’t need him to be marketable in real life.
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Well, it sounds like your life hasn’t been easy. So giving yourself (and him!) a break sounds completely in order.
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It would have been a lot harder without a sense of humor. Thankfully, the new hubby is a keeper. It’s funny. My dreams about the new husband are pretty much real moments I had with the old husband.
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I nominated you for a blog award! Check it out here and have fun: http://auroramorealist.wordpress.com/2012/05/18/blog-award-may-2012/
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Why thanks, Janis! I’ll head over there to see it! Congrats on your award!
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I still can’t figure out why the people with all the guns are so afraid of the people without guns. I do not understand this (or those pants).
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You know, Les, I’ve been wondering the very same thing myself. But then I don’t think gun owners are the brightest bulbs in the package. Anybody who would consider wearing those pants, for example, won’t be getting into Mensa, I’d wager.
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Now if there would be a way to combine these jeans with the Forever Lazy loungewear, I’d be sold.
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That would be a fashion statement, Angie.
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So hard for me not to vote for Yanks/Sox (or as we say in Mass “Sox/Yanks”). But really…..I am speechless….!!!!!
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I knew that would be hard for some folks. My husband, for example!
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Hmmm. The .22 is just so small. I much prefer a .357 mag. That way, when I answer the door to a bunch of Jehovah’s Witnesses, they’ll think twice before coming back. With regards to the pants, that pocket does look a bit tiny. I would recommend a big purse, perhaps a pink one that supports Susan G. Komen. That way, you could get your P-22 AND your M-16 (broken down, of course) in it. You never know when you run to the grocery store when you’ll need to whip out your weapon.
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The jeans look a wee bit tight for my taste too. I prefer a looser fit! So a huge pink purse it shall be!
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looks like you’re headed out to wow the congregation…praise th’ lawd!
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And pass the ammunition!
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Here’s my issue. There is no way those pants would conceal my grenade launcher. And I need to have that with me. At all times. What do you suggest?
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Maternity pants?
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I don’t give advice to those leading the way in fashion – so what ever you do is fine with me.
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Especially to those who might shoot you should they not like your advice!
Thanks Franks.
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Exactly!
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I could never wear those. It would only be a matter of time before I forgot to take my gun out of the pocket before throwing them into the washer.
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:)! Maybe that’s how I can replace my washing machine! With a Susan G. Komen pink one.
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I would have the same problem, Laura. After all, I’ve washed my wallet, my car keys….once even my kid’s diaper.
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I’m sure they all needed washing, Darla. Especially the diaper.
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Sad thing is I’ve done the diaper thing twice. What a mess of goop. I can only imagine the mess of washing a loaded gun.
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That’s why I went for cloth diapers. I only put the disposable gel ones into people’s swimming pools!
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Hi,
That is truly hilarious, I have never seen anything like them, and most likely never will again. 😀
Oh and I just love the pink gun. 🙂
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Thanks Mags. Nothing says I am fashionable better than a pink gun!
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Boys are still stupid 😉
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Some. And the ones who tote a gun into a bar or a church or somewhere where tensions tend to occur, well, they are stupid.
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These pants are uuuuuuggggly. Just wear a holster. And if people are going to tote a gun, why hide it? We should be able to identify gun toting fools at 20 paces, at least.
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I agree, PW — but then I wouldn’t have voted to pass a bill allowing folks to conceal weapons. I bet you wouldn’t have either. It is so stupid!
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Is that a gun in your pants, or are you just happy to see me?
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Seeing you puts me in the pink!
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Have you met my horse, Trigger?
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I’m so depressed that I didn’t get here sooner to make that comment first.
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I am fast on the draw… ha!
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Most women don’t consider that a good quality in a man. Just FYI 😉
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That just means you draw the weapon quickly. Fire discipline is another matter all together.
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See, Peg, you need to come to me first. Or I will shoot you …
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You should make it church for sure!
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There is no quicker way to meet your maker (or ensure that someone else does) than to pack a gun in your pocket. There was a guy here in VA not long ago who found that out in spectacular fasion: https://fiftyfourandahalf.com/2011/11/14/gunsmoke/
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You mean you don’t have a matching pink fanny pack for breaking down your oozie and storing it away. Never know when you are going to need it.
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It’s true. I often do need my automatic weapons. Especially when I’m with hookers. Don’t you find yourself in the same situation, Renee?
Oy.
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What I want to know is What is the horizontal zipper just under his belt for? His hunting knife?
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Maybe. I thought ammo. Or perhaps a condom as he needed it for meeting with hookers!
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a “personal massager”?????
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You mean a second gun?
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i suppose it could be called that…
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😉
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I have a special guitar case for M-16 like that movie Desparado. It holds at least two, plus ammo, and you look mysterious.
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I’ll have to look into it. Right after electric shock therapy!
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