The answer is easier than we think. Yup, I’ve figured out how we can come up with a Republican nominee! Now why didn’t anyone think of it before? I’m smart, but you know I’m not getting paid for this type of work. Do I get a bonus? A finder’s fee? A spot on Mount Rushmore?
Limbo. That’s all we need. Two upright bars, one horizontal one, a drum beat — and we have our candidate! It’s easy! It’s cheap! We don’t have to spend two years doing it. More importantly, we don’t have to suffer through another debate!
You know how it’s done, don’t you? Here’s what Wikipedia, my oracle, says about it:
Limbo is a popular form of dance that originated on the island of Trinidad. The dancer moves to a Caribbean rhythm, then leans backward and dances under a horizontal pole without touching it. Upon touching it or falling backwards, the dancer is “out.” When several dancers compete, they travel in single file, and the stick is gradually lowered until only one dancer — who has not touched either the pole or the floor — remains.
We can cut to the chase and get a nominee lickety-split. Whoever goes lowest, gets the nod. It works for me. And isn’t that where they’re heading anyway — and at much greater cost?
I came to this conclusion after stumbling upon a discussion on the New York Times website, captioned: “Should Candidates Have to Pass a Civics Test?”
My answer, in a word is: “YES.” My answer, in a string of profanities, is longer.
And I’m afraid I have to ask myself: “This is a question we are asking ourselves about our potential future President?” Golly gee. Do ya think that the potential leaders of our nation should be familiar with how the damn nation works?
You know what they say about menus without prices: If you have to ask, you can’t afford it. In this case, if you have to ask, you’re supporting the wrong candidate. The bar here is pretty damn low.
And, realistically, this question is geared at REPUBLICAN candidates. Because I think we can assume that a former Constitutional Law Professor knows, at a minimum, that there are three branches of government. At least there are under the U.S. Constitution — you know, that document that holds up the 2nd Amendment?
A bit of disclosure is needed here, I guess. I lecture on Civics as part of my job. I work in a small company that has an international staff. I’ve realized that it’s not just foreign-born, foreign-educated folks who need to learn how the U.S. Government works. It’s been a long time since 7th grade civics for most adults, and everyone who works with us gets a refresher course.
What I didn’t realize is that folks who are running for the highest office in the nation might need my 30 minute lecture, too. Do you think I can command Newt-like speaking fees to give it?
So here is my plan: We’ll have Mitt, Rick, Michelle, Herman, Ron, Newt, Rick, and John Huntsman do the Limbo. Whoever wins, by which of course I mean, whoever gets down-est and dirty-est, well, they get the nomination. Then I’ll give them my 30 minute lecture about how the government works. They’ll be ready to govern!
The only problem is with those pesky military details, the Commander-in-Chief BS. Well, that’s where I put my foot down. Someone else is going to have to teach them which buttons to press, and which ones NOT to press.
FiftyFourandAHalf 
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I’m sure there is a “plan” to simplify that pesky segmented government provided for by the Constituation. It’s just big government and we can’t afford such waste anymore. Big corporations are run just fine with executive management only. Why would our government need more? Just eliminate the legislative branch and that other thing . . . you know the other one . . . just give me a minute, I’ll remember it . . . no, no, I know this . . . it’s on the tip of my tongue.
Sorry, I just couldn’t help myself. Limbo may be too difficult a concept for this bunch. Maybe rock, paper, scissors? On the other hand, I’m beginning to think it doesn’t matter which one runs . . . they all scare me.
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Thinking of the Judiciary, perhaps? I think the independence in THAT branch died with Roberts’ ascension. And don’t get me started on Citizens United ….
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Elyse- I am not trying to rile you, or anyone. I really believe that, if we elected someone like Dan Quayle, all our problems would be solved. OK, maybe not solved but we’d be laughing or groaning so much that we wouldn’t have time to notice how bad everything is. Witness: “I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican”. Or, “Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child”. And, lest ye think I am picking on Republicans only, I am. Only because I can’t remember a Democrat who was so public in his (or her) demonstration of the limits of their education. I can’t wait for the rebuttals. I am not defending Democrats. I dislike most all poiliticians. But in closing, let me offer one last quotation: “The future will be better tomorrow.” ~~ Dan Quayle (So ends my blog post for this week!)
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I’m not riled! I love a discussion.
We DID elect a dumbo like Quayle — George W. Well, the Supreme Court did.
And yes, I spent 8 years laughing at how stupid he was. But look how he left our country — in debt, in wars, in tatters.
And I really think that the evolution of the problem with government started with Reagan proclaiming that the government IS the problem. No, it’s stupid people voting for stupid people. That’s what made our government dysfunctional.
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Nice blog. The fact that a limbo contest would eliminate Newt Gingrich (I’ve seen this guy in the flesh and gravity would definitely take over) wins my vote. Imagining four years of condescending, historical-referencing solioquies from an overweight, hypocritical narcissist would be just too much.
Les
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It sounds as if you’re no big fan of Newt’s. I, on the other hand, think it would be great having a President Newt. Sort of like having a gecko Geico rep. And think of all the caricaturists he’d be putting to work!
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And here I was thinking I was keeping my opinions to myself. Damn.
You can have your President Newt. You can pick any one of 10 (to be named later) states that have my official permission to secede from the Union. Hey he’s from Georgia, so go ahead, take it. Go. Don’t let the screen door hit you on your way out!
But Doc, I like you far too much to wish you a new state with such a blowhard as its leader. So let’s just get him “voted” off our Island!
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I’m still hoping Dan Quayle will come out of retirement and run. It’s not too late!
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Doc, Doc, Doc. You’re just trying to rile me up. Besides, Dan hasn’t aged well. Just look at the photo that came up when I searched Google for recent images of him:
DAMN. The picture won’t print. Google gave me a picture of Harriet Miers! Oh well, I thought it was funny…
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If the Limbo contest serves one purpose, and one purpose only, and that was to eliminate that pompous ass, well then, let’s go with it! But I am confident that Newt will self destruct for three reasons … (1) he only wants to sell books; (2) he always has; and (3) he is such a blow-hole that the RNC would manage to take him out, metaphorically speaking (you thought I was going to forget the third didn’t you? Admit it, you did!).
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Bachmann would definitely be in Limbo, and I bet she can go lower than most!
There are so many better ways to choose one of these jokers. I’m not sure though, that they are far beyond “one-potato, two-potatoEs.”
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WHAT! Bachmann not in the limbo contest? Oh … she didn’t pass the civics test.
Beer pong could be a contest … oops … probably not a good thing for Romney and Huntsman … so that’s out. How about catching yard Jarts?
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After reading this, I nominate you!
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Thanks, but I’m pretty sure that the Republicans wouldn’t want me — I have a heart AND a brain!
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A very wise man recently narrowed down the two major parties as Democrats belonging to Wall Street and Republicans belonging to Oil and Energy – at least in the big elections. Maybe this is the year to send a message and go for the third party candidate. Will it be you? You’ve got some votes already I see.
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I’m afraid I “Sent A Message” in 1980. I didn’t like Carter (as a president. He is the BEST former president) and thought/think Reagan a buffoon. So I voted for John Anderson (anybody remember him?)
And I, personally, feel responsible for all that followed, none of which is pretty. I’ll dance with Obama again.
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LMAO @ you and prairiewisdom, Limbo is as good as any other state to be in LOL 🙂 (so says a Canadian who has spent a great deal of time in limbo, lol)
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Actually, the whole country IS in Limbo, because we can’t seem to get anything done!
Every time a Republican is elected, I consider moving north. But then I can’t figure out just where “Eh” fits in a sentence, so I stay …
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I can’t wait to see your face etched on Mount Rushmore….epic!
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I’m just glad I’ll have time for liposuction before they do it! Thanks, Lori!
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I am no longer affiliated with either party because I have come to the conclusion that, overall, it doesn’t matter which party is in power. The world continues to revolve and we continue to make asses of ourselves. But, rather than The Limbo as a test, I would prefer The Dating Game. Or maybe both. The Limbo would show us how flexible the candidate was, The Dating Game would show us how spontaneous.
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Now, I think that your idea for the Dating Game is a great one. Let’s bring out — The First Three Contestants: Newt “serial cheater” Gingrich, Michelle “I didn’t realize my husband was gay until I heard it on the news” Bachmann; Rick “Don’t Google my name” Santorum.
On the other side of the wall, though, I think you’d have a bitch fight between someone from Iowa and someone from New Hampshire, two not terribly representative states, over who gets to pick.
But, I’m still a die-hard Democrat, in spite of folks I don’t like, in spite of the problems. I honestly (with narry a bit of snark) believe that we Democrats believe in the middle class and trying to help people reach/stay there and go beyond. We Democrats believe that there are things that only a government can do (bridges, dams, education, HEALTH CARE for example). We passed Medicare, Social Security
Republicans are out for the 1% — but more for the top 1% of the 1% and they use it by making the lower class afraid of each other — homophobia, racism, jingoism, terrorism, you name it (well, afraid of anything except guns, which are good, don’t ya know).
Thirty years ago, I was a (low level) lobbyist on environmental issues. Those were the days when the two parties had a balancing act that benefited everybody. The Democrats pushed for social programs and won a bit, the Republicans WERE more fiscally responsible and kept spending in check. At that time, I thought that the system worked well, everybody had a role, everybody compromised. Great things were done, and I watched them enact legislation that helped people — The Clean Water Act, The Clean Air Act, Hazardous Waste Treatment legislation. These vital laws were enacted in a truly bipartisan way because everybody knew they were for the common good. They did the right thing. They got along. They got stuff done and the country and the world is a better place for it. This current crop of Republicans is evil.
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I always (hopefully, I guess) thought that people would want a really smart person to be President. But now its seems that voters disdain brains, and want “a regular guy”. It’s like letting your doofus neighbor re-roof your house. You are going to be sorry.
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You would have thought that, after Ronald Reagan (who I hold personally responsible for the demise of respectability in the U.S. government), folks would have realized, hey, maybe you need A BRAIN to be the leader of the free world. My bad. They didn’t.
And then there were the geniuses who voted for Dubya because they thought he’d be more fun to have a beer with. Strange logic considering (1) Bush was a reformed alcoholic; and (2) there wasn’t a chance in hell that, without donating millions to Republican causes that they would have the opportunity to even shake his hand.
I think we’re de-volving. Maybe your doofus neighbor should run. How low can HE go?
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Way to go, PW! I knew I wasn’t the only sensible person out here on the prairie!
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Dorothy was also a very sensible person, Delajus. Never forget your kinsman…
XX
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I would like your post picked up by the associated press! Thank you. Just went to my yearly physical. One of the questions I had to answer on my two page health questionnaire prior to coming to the office was “Is there anything in your life causing you stress?” I answered yes, and then in the please explain section wrote down two words, the first and last name of our republican governor.
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If the AP picks me up, does it counts as WP hits? That is, of course, the ultimate reason I write …
But I agree on the Gov’ners. They are a “select” group, aren’t they? I am pretty sure that they wouldn’t want a Civics lesson from a progressive like me. They wouldn’t do too well with my lecture on manners, either!
Thanks for your comment, as always!
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Great job, Elyse. You hit the bull’s eye, as usual. Love it!
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Thanks, Pal!
We need to keep thinking of ways to prevent more debates!
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