Something is terribly wrong with me. I’m sure of it. It’s serious, maybe terminal. I need to see my doctor just as soon as possible. The symptoms? I haven’t bitched about anything all week. Not one thing. Is it Alzheimer’s? Fibromyalgia? Vanishing-sarcasm disorder?
Now, now, you say, sometimes even the snarkiest of people are nice. It’s not serious. It’s not deadly. It’s not even unattractive.
But it’s never happened to me. And I don’t quite know what to say about my new-found niceness. Shouldn’t I have started being nice before puberty? Can someone start being nice at fifty-four-and-a-half? Shouldn’t I check for signs of brain washing since I have even remained pleasant for days after Michele Bachmann announced she really is running for President?
What caused these psychological changes? Are they permanent? Am I still employable?
Right now, I am sitting on the coast of Maine, where I’ve been staying for several days. I’m having a beer and looking out at a picturesque cove and the view of Placentia Island. Well, I could bitch about the name of that island, but not today.
I could bitch about the mosquitoes that are the size of hummingbirds, but not today.
I could bitch about the sun that comes up so early that it’s a pleasure to get out of bed at 5 a.m., but not today.
Today I am in a grumble-free zone. When I return to Washington, I’m going to demand that June 30 be designated as annual “No Bitchin’ Day.”
I don’t know if it will catch on. But if it doesn’t, I’ll have a thing or two to say about it. And I won’t be nice.
FiftyFourandAHalf 
Pingback: Second Annual No Bitchin’ Day | FiftyFourandAHalf
Hi Elyse…well, now I love YOUR blog! Thanks for visiting mine and commenting this morning. You’re in one of my favorite states right now—wish I were there, too. When you mentioned Washington, were you referencing D.C.? I’m in Alexandria, VA. Hope to run into you again. Enjoy the rest of your stay in Maine!
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I love the idea of a ‘No Bitchin’ Day! I think Hallmark would be very interested in this!
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Damn good thing. I will need all of Hallmark’s cash to finance another vacation!
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Well it could be a few things. Like a fine wine or a cheese, you could simply be mellowing and just getting better with age, letting stuff just slide off your back. Or, it could be that the crisp clean Maine air has cleared your head of snarky thoughts. Or, it could be that you have finally had a psychotic break and your personalities have split and we are being treated to the nice and kind personality while the snarky one who’s got a lot to bitch about is off somewhere in the deep recesses of your mind. Or, it could be a complete anomaly having something to do with the phase of the moon or hormones or something… Or maybe, just maybe the snark is just a big act and you are really a big softy underneath it all…. oh the possibilities are clearly endless…. I do enjoy the lovely vision of you chilling out in Maine with your beer and your sunrises and your clean Maine air…. we could all use a break now and then… so enjoy every moment of being semi-unplugged…I am fairly certain that once you re-enter your real life back in DC, your snark will come back with a vengeance…. so don’t worry….it’s not gone….You have to admit, Michelle Bachmann has nice hair.
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I’ll admit that this new phase may be temporary. And I’ll admit that Michele Bachmann has nice hair. But I would prefer that she use it to gag herself. That’s the only useful purpose to which her mouth can be used. Apparently I am not suffering from vanishing-sarcasm syndrome after all.
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you go girl
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