It’s time to export all the stupid people in the United States to another country. Congress will go along with it as long as we can designate “stupid people” a commodity. A trade lawyer I consulted suggested that designating them as “spare parts” under the Anti-Counterfeit Trade Agreement would permit widespread exportation of stupid people from all over the country. It would also ensure that only “real” stupid people and not fake or “counterfeit” stupid people qualify. US export numbers will skyrocket, the debt limit will take care of itself, and we won’t owe China a penny. Or a Yuan. The economy will be saved. More importantly, I won’t have to deal with them any more.
I decided to send them to Canada – nobody lives there, anyway. Manitoba, to be exact. Why? It’s easier to spell than “Saskatchewan.” Manitoba is right there in the middle of the continent where the stupid people won’t be able to hurt themselves. Like one big padded room. They will be safe, happy, well cared for. Cable TV. Internet access — even broadband. I’m not unkind, you know. A team of teenagers will be available to help them turn on their TVs, stereos, DVD players, mobile phones. Friends and family members can visit anytime.
There are a lot of stupid people in the US, you say, so where do we start? We’re starting with the ones that bug me the most. It’s only fair. After all I am the brains here.
I deal with stupid people every day. I work in medical products litigation. Stupid people believe the TV lawyers’ mantra “Sue then Retire.” Each time I walk into my office, I am smacked upside the head by the stupid actions of stupid people who sue for big bucks. I learn way too much about them, sort of like when you interrupt your 74-year-old uncle in the shower. You’d be happier without the image.
I want them outta here.
Here’s a contender:
A woman named Mona was sick. Mona went to her doctor and was given a 30 day prescription for the drug that would treat her. She took it to the pharmacy where the pharmacist typed up a label and put it onto the bottle that the manufacturer dispensed the tablets in, because conveniently, those pills already came packaged in bottles of 30 pills. Terrific! Safe! Foolproof! How many times have you gotten medicine this way? Loads of times, I wager. Have you gotten it that way lately? Nope. Thank Mona.
Now Mona is a very precise woman. She carefully monitors everything. She uses a pedometer to count her steps, compares food package labels. Understands the food pyramid. She doesn’t walk when the “Don’t Walk” sign starts blinking. She knows the calorie, carbohydrate and vitamin content of everything she swallows. Brushes her hair precisely 100 strokes each night. Flosses. Therefore, she read the label that came with the pills from the drugstore, too. She opened the sealed package, and poured out her first dose. That’s when Mona’s ticket to Manitoba was punched.
Because when she dumped out that first pill into her hand, she also poured out a tiny crunchy plastic package about a half inch square. It contained salicylic acid – packages like that are put into many products to help keep the contents dry and to prevent mold. The little package in her hand said “DO NOT EAT.” So she didn’t. At all. She didn’t eat for 30 days while she took her medicine.
She didn’t call her doctor and scream:
“You never told me I couldn’t eat!”
She did not call the pharmacist and say:
“Can I at least have toast? Or Jell-O?”
And when she got very ill from (1) being stupid and (2) not eating for 30 days, did she feel embarrassed? Did she pack for Manitoba? No. She sued the pharmacy and the drug manufacturer for millions of dollars for pain, suffering, and lost wages. She won.
So Mona goes first.
And the woman who fell into the shopping mall fountain while texting and then sued the shopping mall? You saw her. She went onto local and national news shows to tell the story and to complain that no one helped her after she fell. She said repeatedly that she was embarrassed that everyone she knew had seen her fall into the fountain on YouTube. She was upset at being called “Fountain Lady.” She appeared on television voluntarily, where they replayed the video three times for people like me who hadn’t yet enjoyed it. She made absolutely sure that “Fountain Lady” was unmasked, because this caption appeared at the bottom left of the TV screen:
CATHY CRUZ MARRERO
“FOUNTAIN LADY” FIGHTS BACK
Her ticket is printing now.
FiftyFourandAHalf 
Please don’t send them to Manitoba – I’m moving back to Winnipeg next week!
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Ok. I’ll think of some place else!
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Unfortunately, we already have our own stupid people here in Canada so we can’t take yours. Not that some of yours don’t make ours look smart but we are already at our limit. Believe me when I tell you, Manitoba is definitely at full capacity.
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Damn! And it seemed like the perfect answer to our problem. Of course, stupid people seem to be breeding like rabbits down here since I wrote this. I guess I need to look around the world for a new location.
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My jaw is still agape at that story. Didn’t eat for 30 days. Whoa.
I would feels so bad for Canada if we sent them our oafs. Perhaps we can send them to Sarah Palin’s neck of the woods. Did you know you can see Russia from her house?
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I heard about that visual. Perhaps we can just put up all stupid people in Wasilla. They can trade sitings of Russia and stories of hunting wolves from helicopters. It would be a win-win for everybody. Except perhaps the poor wolves.
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Why Canada? I fancy I would like it up there. Let’s send them to the middle East where there’s already a ton of stupid people. They’ll fit right in.
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Canada is a big place, and Manitoba is easier to spell than Saskachewan. That’s why I chose it. And it was mostly chosen to tweak some Canadian friends of mine. It was highly successful, but not so successful that it has prevented them from visiting. They arrive tomorrow!
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I vote for Saudi. Its already got a lot of very strange people so no one will notice a few more. And its really big. I quite like Judith’s barge idea too but the potential for more stupidity on the water is too high!
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Not a bad idea at all, Susan. Large country, soft sandy surfaces. Certainly worth thinking about. Of course stupid people who drink might object, but I am sure some accommodations could be made! Thanks for visiting and commenting!
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I do think that the stupid are taking over the world, but what to do with them? Can’t be too far away because then their ‘nearest and dearest’ wouldn’t be able to visit – unless all those insurance companies that will now save zillions, pick up the tab for the flights. I second a floating barge – it could roam around the seas forever only stopping to pick up more stupid people when necessary.
Thanks for visiting my blog and commenting. 🙂
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A boat is an idea. There would have to be some signs on the railings, though. Perhaps they could read “YOU ARE NOT LEONARDO DI CAPRIO.” The stupid people will get the message, I’m sure. And the ones who fall overboard, well, they probably won’t be able to sue!
Thanks for your great post. I love reading about stupid people!
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This is funny and terrifying all rolled into one. The problem is, the stupid people seem to be winning. If we send them someplace where they can combine their powers with no intervention by intelligence, could we set of a catastrophic chain of events that will lead to ultimate doom for all intelligence on earth?
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Well, I kind of think that that is what happened when George W Bush was in control here in the U.S. But I don’t really think that anyone would be able to do too much in Manitoba. Flat, prairie, no plutonium, no weapons production. Folks have challenged this destination, but I’m not going there. 🙂
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Geez I’ve known a few Monas.
But I’ve been to Manitoba .. it’s beautiful. We have to pick a more deserving place than that. I nominate Quebec !!
MJ
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What a great post! Brilliant writing! I love everything about it and couldn’t agree more (Operation Ship ‘Em Off To Canada…sorry, eh). Is it bad that a teeny tiny dark part of me wishes Mona ate the Do Not Eat packet?
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No, I don’t think it’s bad that you want Mona to have earned her reward. I think that if people are going to be incredibly stupid that they shouldn’t be getting millions of dollars. Being stupid is ok — we all are sometimes (see my latest post, for example!). But I don’t think that you deserve to win in court!
Thanks for visiting the old stuff!
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Thanks for taking the “Way Back Machine” and looking at the old stuff! Actually I have lots of Canadian friends, One of them inspired this piece. Funny, I haven’t heard from him since!
But I think that the stupid people are multiplying!
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I would vote for you, too. But I do have to agree that Canada isn’t the place to send them…too many family and dear friends live there. Hey, China is much easier to spell than Manitoba or Saskatchewan, and maybe it would balance out what we owe China.
This is a great post…love it!
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Ah! that line is truly a gem dahling… I was not suggesting you change the locale to improve the piece, bc you know I thought this was truly funny the first time i read it….I was simply picking a fight…. heh heh heh
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Jamie, you are right. There are, truly many places more worthy of getting all the stupid people in the US, and Canada might not be the only place. However, this piece was originally inspired by a different (and longstanding) Canadian friend. Besides, shipping stupid people to somewhere else would have to result in me deleting my favorite line: “Manitoba, to be exact. Why? It’s easier to spell than ‘Saskatchewan.’” Perhaps I will need to write a separate blog post on other likely destinations.
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Okay…. this was funny. I am in total agreement that stupid people should be sent somewhere else, but now that we have become friends with two highly intelligent Canucks, I feel badly about this part of your proposal. I offer up that maybe a better option would be to float the stupid people around the abyss of the Atlantic Ocean on a barge, much like the great state of New York does with its trash. That way Canada can remain stupid-people free (thus maintaining decent US-Canada diplomatic relations) while simultaneously ridding the US of the stupid people. Now that the oceans have been irradiated, polluted, over-fished, etc., the floating barge full o’ stupid people cannot really hurt anything… As an attorney, I am going to ignore your commentary about the financial gain the stupid woman realized as a result of her stupidity. There has to be more to the story…. unless the world has flipped on his head…. Remember the McDonald’s litigation with the hot coffee? What many people don’t know is that the coffee was beyond hot, dangerously hot at a temperature hot coffee should never be and it scalded this woman’s private area, causing severe injuries. But the stupid public at large latch on to the fact that this woman spilled coffee on herself and got a lot of money…. I digress, I know.
Anyway, should you run for political office and have this “Rid the US of Stupid People” as your platform, I would vote for you…. But…. seeing that there are a whole heck of a lot of stupid people out there… you may not get very far…. Rock on, Angry Mama…………………….
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