Tag Archives: Tea Party

One Born Every Minute

Just today I realized that I really am a good person.  Nice.  Law-abiding.

It’s true. Because somehow today I did not live out my longest held fantasy.  One that I’ve wanted to enact since childhood.

I will admit that I was close to doing it.  Possibly closer than I have ever been to saying “What the Hell, I’m gonna do it! — Now!  Today!”

I will admit to seriously considering doing it just for the moment when I was struggling to get into the driver’s seat of my car today at lunch time.  The moments.  OK, it took half of my damn lunch hour.

You see, I had an important errand that I had to take care of.

But some asshole had parked so close to my car that I couldn’t even get my purse into the car from the driver’s side.

Did I deserve to be placed in this, ummm, position?  Did I park outside of the white line? No. I was parked just fine, thank you very much.  Parked within the designated parking spot.  Straight.  Did I mention that I was well within the white lines on both sides of my car?  Well I was.

I did not deserve to be treated in such a manner.

So when I realized that without liposuction, a detention in a concentration camp or a colonic, there was no way in hell I could get to the driver’s seat from the driver’s side.  I was annoyed, I stood there for minutes with my hands on my hips, glad there were no children milling about to increase their vocabulary.

But I had no choice; I had to go. So I walked to the passenger side of the car, to climb into the driver’s seat. I soon realized that the driver’s seat was as close to the steering wheel as vehicularly-possible.  I realized that I was also not supposed to exert myself following my surgery.

Did I mention that it was important that I go?

So I struggled to get my body into the driver’s seat without a cerebral hemorrhage.

Somehow, I managed.

The cerebral hemorrhage happened when I carefully backed out of my parking spot, and realized two things:

  1. There were 24.5 parking spots in that section of the parking lot alone, and five floors of empty parking spots on the floors above us; there was no reason for someone to park in such an assholic/inconsiderate manner.
  2. The car sported a special license plate.

Instantly, I started fantasizing. Within a heartbeat, I was transported back in time. Teleported to the very first movie I remember watching.

I was very young.  Young enough to be crabby that my brother, Bob, had control of the TV.  Annoyed that he was watching a movie instead of cartoons.  Annoyed enough to forget that as long as the TV was on I didn’t really care what was showing.  (I had, just that morning, been watching the test pattern.)

The movie was brilliant, and I have never watched the test pattern since.  It was called

If I Had A Million

 It was a compilation of a bunch of sequences where various characters were given a million dollars that they could spend however they chose.  It later became the TV series “The Millionnaire” where a wealthy man would give people $1 million as long as they didn’t tell where it came from.

Anyway, in the move If I Had A Million, WC Fields’ lady-friend Mary had just had her new car ruined by what we would today call an “asshole,” but who was then called a “Road Hog.” When WC Fields and Mary Boland  got their million, they knew just what to do:

They bought a bunch of old clunker cars, and whenever there was a road hog around, they would ram their clunker into him, causing the jerk to totally wreck his own car, along with theirs.  But that didn’t matter, because that was why WC and Mary had bought those old clunkers!

They did this repeatedly.  And it has been my fondest wish since I was about six years old, to be able to do that to the bad drivers, the folks who cut people off, who weave and edge and drive dangerously.

Revenge would be so sweet!

But in spite of being a wise ass, I am not an asshole. I did not smash the car that parked so inconsiderately. I did not accidentally-on-purpose run my keys along the $60,000 Audi Q7 SUV. I did not even spit in its general direction.

It was especially challenging because I realized that the owner is represents everything I hate. I realized that I’d seen him before, changing lanes discourteously.  He (and yes, it was a he) had an overpriced car that he drove like he owned the road.  And those specialty license plates?

Photo Credit:  VA DMV Website

The Asshole was A Tea Partier! Photo Credit: VA DMV Website

 

And I realized that I really needed to feel sorry for the dumb rich guy.  You see, this genius paid extra taxes to the Commonwealth of Virginia so that he could protest paying taxes.

Photo Credit:  izquotes.com

Photo Credit: izquotes.com

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Filed under Adult Traumas, Campaigning, Conspicuous consumption, Criminal Activity, Disgustology, Driving, Elections, GOP, Huh?, Humor, Hypocrisy, Taking Care of Each Other, Taxes, Virginia, Wild Beasts

How to Talk to Women — GOP Version

Some things are just too good to keep to oneself.

The GOP’s Guide on  How to Talk To Women.

I found this on TalkingPointsMemo.  Of course, I can’t wait for the other films in the series:

How To Talk To Black Folks

How To Talk To Hispanics

How To Talk To Non-Millionaires

And hopefully this series will have a spin-off:

GOP:  How To Talk To Yourself, Because Nobody Else Is Listening Anymore

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Filed under Campaigning, Conspicuous consumption, Criminal Activity, Disgustology, Elections, Family, Health and Medicine, History, Huh?, Humor, Hypocrisy, Politics, Stupidity, Voting

Sore Loser

There is a time honored tradition in our democracy that has the losing side contacting the winning side to offer congratulations.  It is part of how we as a society put the disagreements between candidates behind and go forth and govern.

Obviously, as a Democrat, I am happy with the results in the Governor’s race (and the Lt. Governor’s race).  I am hopeful about the close election here for Attorney General, which is still being counted.

But as someone who believes in governing as much as I believe in democracy, well, I am disgusted with the tone of Ken Cuccinelli’s post-defeat actions.  He has no plans to contact Governor-elect McAuliffe.  He has no plans to get together to see what can be done to help the people of the Commonwealth.

Ken Cuccinelli’s Concession speech, if you have the stomach for it, wasn’t a concession speech.  It was a “We have to be even bigger assholes and THEN we’ll win” speech.  It is scary to think that these fanatics still claim a loss as a victory, and have no plan to work within the confines of what — and whom — the voters chose.

What an ass.  What a dangerous ass.

I wonder if when Ken Cuccinelli goes and fucks himself, if it is considered sodomy.

As I say all the time, Elections Matter.  Good for Virginia.

"Thus, Always, to Tyrants." Virginia Got that Right (Google image)

“Thus, Always, to Tyrants.”
Virginia Got that Right
(Google image)

*     *     *

For those of you who don’t peruse the comments, I had to put this hilarious one from El Guapo into the post:

Not sure about the sodomy, but if Cuccinelli tried to mind-fuck himself, it would probably be necrophilia.

 

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Filed under Campaigning, Disgustology, GOP Government Shutdown, History, Huh?, Hypocrisy, Law, Politics, Stupidity, Taking Care of Each Other, Virginia, Voting

As I Was Sayin’

As anybody who hasn’t rolled their eyes, clicked “Like” and then clicked “X” to scurry out of my political posts knows, I’ve been saying since I started FiftyFourAndAHalf.com (because I was pissed off at the GOP), that a huge part of the problem is folks drank the “don’t tax me, bro” kool-aid.  That people don’t understand that Ronald Reagan was wrong.

There.  I said it.  Lightening did not strike.  The lights didn’t even flicker.  The planet continued to revolve on its axis and on its course around the sun.

Reagan was wrong many times in my opinion.  But he was never more wrong than when he put into motion the dysfunction we are now experiencing in our government when he said:

The Government is Not the Solution to the Problem;

Government IS the Problem.

Government, because it is made up of fallible human beings, is by definition, fallible, too.  But we don’t need to cheer on its destruction, its dissolution, its dysfunction.

And so I will defer to President Obama, who reminded us all, whether we needed reminding or not, that there is a vital role in our country for the Federal Government.  But a whole lot of folks had forgotten.

We hear all the time about how government is the problem.  Well, it turns out we rely on it in a whole lot of ways.  Not only does it keep us strong through our military and our law enforcement, it plays a vital role in caring for our seniors and our veterans, educating our kids, making sure our workers are trained for the jobs that are being created, arming our businesses with the best science and technology so they can compete with companies from other countries.  It plays a key role in keeping our food and our toys and our workplaces safe.  It helps folks rebuild after a storm.  It conserves our natural resources.  It finances startups.  It helps to sell our products overseas.  It provides security to our diplomats abroad.

So let’s work together to make government work better, instead of treating it like an enemy or purposely making it work worse.  That’s not what the founders of this nation envisioned when they gave us the gift of self-government.  You don’t like a particular policy or a particular president, then argue for your position.  Go out there and win an election.  Push to change it. But don’t break it.  Don’t break what our predecessors spent over two centuries building.  That’s not being faithful to what this country is about.

I will now return this blog to its normal realm of humor, things (other than the GOP) I think are stupid, and incredibly embarrassing situations I write about rather than telling them to people who can identify me.

(Google Image)

(Google Image)

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Filed under Campaigning, Elections, GOP Government Shutdown, History, Law, Taking Care of Each Other, Voting

Franklin D. Roosevelt

Elyse:

Today is a good day to remember this sentiment.

Originally posted on BEGUILING HOLLYWOOD:

Let us not be afraid to help each other—let us never forget that government is ourselves and not an alien power over us. The ultimate rulers of our democracy are not a President and Senators and Congressmen and Government officials but the voters of this country.

FDR

 

 

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Filed under Campaigning, Elections, GOP Government Shutdown, History, Hypocrisy, Law, Politics, Taking Care of Each Other, Voting