Tag Archives: Boomerism

This Post Is A Complete Waste of Time

Is there anything that you do that you know is a total waste of time, but you do it anyway?

Of course there is.

Mine is to take those stupid little quizzes that are all over the internet.  I have no idea why I do it.  But I always do.

In fact, just now, as I turned on my computer to do some work that didn’t get done at work yesterday, I continued to not get it done.  Because my old bloggin’ buddy, MJ Monahan, posted a piece.  I hadn’t planned on checking out any blogs, because I have work to do.  But MJ hasn’t posted in a million years or so, and he is really good.  So I figured, well, what’s the harm.  How long could it take?

MJ posted Who Am I — 12 Buzzfeed Quizzes and reported what they revealed.

So I had to take the 12 Buzzfeed quizzes.  Because I have an incredible amount of work to do and no time to waste.

And now I have to report what they revealed.  Because I have an incredible amount of work to do and no time to waste.

However, I plan to steal the entire format from MJ.  Because I have an incredible amount of work to do and no time to waste.

1. The fruit I’m most like:

I’m not entirely sure that in this day and age that this question is politically correct.  Nevertheless, I took the quiz:

http://www.buzzfeed.com/joannaborns/what-fruit-are-you#.esQO73nXO

Like MJ, I am a strawberry.

Strawberries are tiny berry bosses. When the strawberries come in, it’s serious. SERIOUS FUN. Is there anything more fun and flirty than a strawberry? Everyone loves them. But not everyone can have them, especially when they’re not in season. You’re IN DEMAND.

Strawberries are OK; I have wonderful memories of strawberry picking with Jacob when he was young and we lived near a farm.

2. What I should have been named:

Also like MJ, I like my first name, Elyse.  I didn’t as a kid, though.  I wanted to be named anything common — Mary or Marie.  Anything that folks could read, pronounce, and spell.  But I came to like it a lot, and I love the fact that I was named after one of my coolest relatives, Tante Elise.

http://www.buzzfeed.com/joannaborns/what-should-your-name-actually-be#.pn8vNJwDv

I got FLOSSIE.  FLOSSIE! WTF Buzzfeed?

You’re Flossie! Congrats — this name is amaaaazing. It was more popular at the turn of the 19th century, but you’re bringing it back!

No.  No.  A thousand times No.

3. Which season I would fall in love:

While we knew each other for years, John and I started dating in January, moved in together in April, and married in September of the following year.

http://www.buzzfeed.com/emmamariemusic/which-season-will-you-fall-in-love-11sp6#.hjNNzL2GN

For this question I got Autumn

Autumn is a time for new beginnings, and this will be the biggest one of all. You and your new boo will flirt with each other over yummy fall-themed drinks and steal each other’s sweaters and basically live the beautiful autumnal clichés of your dreams while falling slowly and sweetly in love.

Not exactly, Buzzfeed.  And Buzzfeed? It should be “IN which season would I fall in love.”  Grammar matters.

4. My most annoying office habit:

Me?

http://www.buzzfeed.com/tabathaleggett/what-is-your-office-thing#.dbd8kwNb8

I got: Asking people what they had for lunch

You like to keep tabs on your co-workers, and what better way to do so than asking each of them individually what they had for lunch? What people eat says a lot about them, and you consider yourself somewhat of a lunch detective. Keep on questioning!

Um, No, Buzzfeed.  In my tiny office, you can smell anything anyone is consuming down the hall.  So there is no need to ask.  And I have far more annoying habbits.  Trust me!

5. My personality type:

I’m a wanna-be laid back person who isn’t really as laid back as I think I am or as I want to be.  At least that’s what my husband tells me.

http://www.buzzfeed.com/danmeth/ink-blot-test#.viw5ejOv5

I got: Passionate

You are a blustery and sentimental ball of emotion. You live hard and love harder. It’s just one adventure after another and you despise those who can’t let themselves chew on the meat of existence. “LIVE, YOU BLOODLESS AUTOMATONS!” is a phrase you have said or will say in the near future.

Well, I do tend to get a bit worked up, now and then.  But only when pushed to it.  Ammirite?

6. What other people find attractive about me:

I would have guessed my sense of humor.  But I was wrong.
I got: My Independent Nature

Some people are made into leaders, but you were born one. You’re driven, ambitious, know what you want, and know how to get it. You’ve always done things on your own terms, and you’re a BO$$ in your own right.

Ummm, somewhat.  If I were more so I would be rich and famous.

7. My ACTUAL personality type:

To quote from MJ, “Because just knowing one’s personality type isn’t enough, one needs to know their ACTUAL type.”
I got: Type B

You like to play things by ear and have always been a carefree person. You’re all about achieving balance and living life to the fullest. You’re relaxed, take things as they come, and always aspire to live a life full of happiness.

I’m probably Type B unless you’re working for me on this project.  Then I come earlier in the alphabet.

8. My favorite color:

Who Am I, Favorite Color
Image stolen from MJ’s post.
Blue is in fact, my favorite color.  Sky, clothes, eyes.  Blue.
I got: Green

You are practical, down-to-earth, and like your favorite color implies, you love nature and the outdoors. You tend to wear your heart on your sleeve and connect well with people, which sometimes makes others “green” with envy.

Green’s OK.  Except that horrible lime green that is so popular now.  And I was once in a play about the 8 deadly sins and I played envy, so OK.  I’ll go along with green.

9. What’s my sixth sense:

Clearly it’s procrastination.  Because I really have a lot of work to do.
I got: Magically knowing when someone hot is near

That’s partially because you, yourself, are also hot. This hidden sense then comes from your own hotness, as well as your desire to be around other hot people.

Buzzfeed, you’re just messin with me now.

10. What color is my aura:

Chartruse.  I’m not even sure what color that is, but that would be my guess.
I got: Orange

You’re energetic, outgoing, and fun to be around. You’re a people pleaser who also enjoys being the center of attention. Still, you are highly attuned to others and sensitive to their needs. Your enthusiasm might lead you to start too much too quickly; if you can focus, you will succeed.

So I am an extroverted suckup?  Thanks Buzzfeed.  And don’t you try to suck up to me by telling me that if I don’t screw up I might succeed.

11. More right-brained or left-brained:

Sometimes I figure I am just plain hairbrained.  Or is it harebrained?  Bugs?  Bugs?  Can you answer that?
I got: Right-brained!

Well, hello there, naturally creative person! You’re super curious, and have a wicked imagination, which means you’re drawn to things like art, performance, and music. You can also be impulsive, and tend to follow your heart more than your head. People love you for your creativity and independent spirit — never lose that!

Well, I’ll go along with the right-brained much of the time.  Except when I’m not.

12. Where should my next vacation be:

064

Wonderland, Mount Dessert Island, ME. I think. It’s in that general area anyway. And it is lovely. My picture, from god knows when.

Most of our vacations involve driving up to Maine. So I was quite interested to see what this one would show.

I got: Road Trip!

You’re spontaneous, inquisitive, and all about experiencing new things. Exploring is everything to you, and you don’t need a big city to do that in. Eat at local diners, stay in tiny motels, and snap photos along the scenic routes. Small details matter to you, and getting there is half the fun. Potential trips you should take include winding your way through Italy’s Amalfi Coast, riding through Alaska’s Seward Highway, discovering Kentucky’s Bourbon Trail, or taking the 113-mile drive from from mainland Florida to Key West.

Well done, Buzzfeed.

Hope you weren’t doing anything important today …

75 Comments

Filed under Bat-shit crazy, Bloggin' Buddies, Conspicuous consumption, Driving, Extra Cash, Humor

People My Age

It happens every year, try as I might to avoid it.  Annually.  At about the same time each year.  On the same damn day, even.

Every bloomin’ year! What’s with that?

For the last 15 years, I’ve tried to avoid it.  I just put my head down and muddled through the whole month.  Looked forward to February.

Yeah, it’s my birthday.   Ho hum.  Everybody has one.  Still, I figure I need to do something to mark it.

So to celebrate, I’m going to insert one of my very favorite birthday songs for those of us who are in their our post- years.  The perfect song for the post-teens; post-Yuppies; post-childbearing, child rearing, post-careerists; post-menopausal; for the pre- and post-retirement set.

The perfect song for the pre-dead among us.  And I do hope you, my dear bloggin’ buddy, are among us.

Ho hum.  Where’s the wine?

100 Comments

Filed under Adult Traumas, Awards, Bat-shit crazy, Birthday, Bloggin' Buddies, Disgustology, Family, Farts, Health and Medicine, Hey Doc?, Holidays, Huh?, Humor, Mental Health

Hiding in Plain Sight

If you haven’t seen this bit from John Oliver’s new show, you should.  You should watch it before Tuesday’s election, and then again periodically, just so you remember what I keep telling you.  That elections matter.  And that it is important to pay attention to not just Federal elections, but to the ones lower down the food chain.

Apparently it takes someone from England, from the country from which we declared our independence, to explain to us just how we are letting our own government get away from us.

Because we don’t pay attention to “the unimportant levels of government.”

Ummm, it is at the state level that we’re really getting screwed.  I can attest to this as a resident of “Virginia is For Ultra-sounds.”    Yup, it is the folks whose names we don’t even know, who get to decide these issues that most impact your life and mine.

They are also the ones gerrymandering the US Congressional districts.  They are eliminating access to abortion, to birth control and screwing us in a hundred different ways.  And the state legislatures are the breeding ground, where the Not Ready For Prime Time Players go until they become the Michelle Bachmann’s and the Louie Gomert’s who end up framing our national debate.

[I read recently that John Oliver has been proclaimed the best journalist currently working.  I don’t recall who said it, but I think they are right.]

86 Comments

Filed under Adult Traumas, Campaigning, Cancer, Climate Change, Criminal Activity, Disgustology, Elections, Family, Global Warming, GOP, Gun control, Health and Medicine, History, Huh?, Hypocrisy, Law, Mental Health, Politics, Science, Stupidity, Taking Care of Each Other, Taxes, Voting, Wild Beasts

Some Things Do Change With Age

Before 1986 there were two things in life I was certain about.  Things I never got wrong on a pop quiz.  Things that I could recite in my sleep.

First my name.  Elyse Ellen E….

When I got married I didn’t have to change my name.  That was until the woman I worked for at the time announced that I absolutely could not change my name.  So naturally the decision was made and I changed it.

Besides, nobody ever pronounced my maiden name correctly;  it drove me crazy.  Nobody pronounces my married name right either, but it’s John’s name not mine, so I don’t care.  Butcher away, folks.

The second thing I always got right was my birthday.  January 18, 1957.  Simple.  Easy.  I had a document from the State of Connecticut with a raised seal to prove that I was born on that date around 3 a.m. in the morning (sorry Mom and Dad).  But I didn’t know that I would end up changing my birthday when I got married too.

Actually, I can blame this one on the same boss.  It was Anna’s fault.  Yup.

The summer before we got married, I was working as a high level lobbyist and John was a lowly government employee.  OK, actually, I was a lowly lobbying flunky and John was pretty high up in the U.S. government.  But still.

One afternoon when I was supposed to meet John for some wedding prep stuff, something earth-shatteringly important happened involving my job.  It was so vitally important to the rest of the history of the world that I can’t at this moment quite put my finger on just exactly what it was.

Anyway, we were supposed to go to the DC City Office and get our marriage license.  Now stop it, readers.  This event was nothing like you see in those old movies, with movie stars in great hats.

Arsenic and Old Lace

Really, there was nothing romantic about it at all.  I don’t think.  Not so I’ve heard, anyway.

So anyway, John got our marriage license, and we got married a month or so later in a lovely church service in the church where John’s parents had been married 40 years earlier.  Family and friends were in attendance.

All was good until my birthday rolled around, when John made a major confession.

“Ummm, Lease,” he said quietly.  “When I got the marriage license, I mistakenly put down January 17th  not 18th as your birthday.”

“You what?”

“Yeah.  Oops.  I guess that means that either your birthday is January 17th or we’re not married.”

“No, I’m pretty sure it just means that I married an idiot.”

We would have happily left it at that if it hadn’t been for my family.  They betrayed me.  Each and every one of them called me on the 17th to wish me a Happy Birthday that year — thinking my new husband would be taking me out to dinner on my actual birthday January 18th.

I have a large family.  Even distant cousins nine times removed called on the 17th.

“See,” John said proudly, “I was right.  Your birthday is obviously on the 17th because everybody is calling to wish you a happy birthday!”

This scene has been replayed every blippin’ year for 25 years.  This year it will be an even 26 birthdays.  And never a call on the 18th.

To make matters worse, though, I put the final nail in my own coffin myself last year.  You see, I wanted to let all my bloggin’ buddies know it was my birthday.  Plus I needed to address the glaring issue of my stupid blog name.  And so I wrote this post:  People My Age.

And because I didn’t know how to schedule posts in those days, and because a lot of my readers were from Europe and Asia, well, I posted it on January bloody 17th.

So this year I’ve given up.  My birthday is January 17th from now on.  Or the 18th.  Whenever.  Gifts will be gracefully received all month long, however.

96 Comments

Filed under Bloggin' Buddies, Family, Humor, Stupidity

Blowin’ in the Wind

I take war pretty darn seriously when it comes, so I try to pay attention to the rumblings and rumors of yet another conflict.  That way, I can be sure to make my feelings known.

That probably comes from the fact that when I was in 9th grade everybody in my entire school got on a bus and drove down to Washington DC to that huge rally on the Mall.  Me and John C were the only two kids left behind.  Spending a day with John C was NOT my idea of a good time, but my parents wouldn’t let me go.  I’ve never gotten over it.

I DID make up for it though.  In 2003 I saw Peter Paul & Mary live on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial, singing Blowin’ in the Wind and Give Peace A Chance, just like they had back in 1971.  We were all there to protest the impending invasion of Iraq the next day.  George W Bush flew overhead in Marine 1 on his way back from Camp David.  He hovered over us, just long enough for the assembled protesters to flip him the finger.  I’m sure he returned the gesture.

For this new war?  I got no warning, no notice, nothing from MoveOn.Org or Code Pink or anybody else.  How could that happen?  I’m on every single political email that goes out to special people like me.  And you know what a news junkie I am – I read everything.  Still I missed it.  Damn.  Because this war might be in my living room before long.  And yours.  Or maybe it will snake its way upstairs, into our bedrooms.

It’s The War on Men.

Yup.  At least according to Phyllis Schlafly’s niece, anyway.  Oh you remember Phyllis, don’t you?  She was one of the main spokespeople behind the anti Equal Rights for Women movement.

Why didn’t she just stay home and bake?

So, in keeping with having a family full of non-feminist women who stay home and bake cookies, Phil’s niece, Suzanne Venker works outside of the home.  She “stumbled” upon a bunch of men who are unhappy with women and who say that they aren’t going to get married.  Not no way, not no how.

Why?

Because “Women aren’t Women anymore.”

Well, I’ll be.  Excuse me while I check on my lady parts.

Now Suzie wrote about it (well sort of, it’s an article on Fox).  She claims that men haven’t changed.  Apparently they still have all the same instincts that they had back in the day.  But women?  They’ve changed.  And not for the better according to Suzie.

They’ve gotten uppity.  They want to work.  They want to get paid for working.  They want to use their hearts and their minds.  (And I bet they still want Equal Rights.)  THE NERVE!

Suzie also says that this whole attitude on the part of women, well

“[It] has not threatened men. It has pissed them off. It has also undermined their ability to become self-sufficient in the hopes of someday supporting a family. Men want to love women, not compete with them. They want to provide for and protect their families – it’s in their DNA. But modern women won’t let them.

It’s all so unfortunate – for women, not men. Feminism serves men very well: they can have sex at hello and even live with their girlfriends with no responsibilities whatsoever.

It’s the women who lose. [Sniff]  Not only are they saddled with the consequences of sex, by dismissing male nature they’re forever seeking a balanced life. The fact is, women need men’s linear career goals – they need men to pick up the slack at the office – in order to live the balanced life they seek.

So if men today are slackers, and if they’re retreating from marriage en masse, women should look in the mirror and ask themselves what role they’ve played to bring about this transformation.  [Emphasis mine all mine.]

Perhaps it is the fact that in the decades that most of us have lived in [and I think we can assume that Suzie has been stuck in a perpetual space-time continuum] well, we’ve been able to make our own choices about when to have children, and a whole mess of other economic issues that earlier generations of women couldn’t because they were barefoot and pregnant.

But fortunately, Suzie tells me not to worry about this war.  You see, I can actually do something about this one.  And actually, you can too.  I’m relieved.  Aren’t you?

Women have the power to turn everything around. All they have to do is surrender to their nature – their femininity – and let men surrender to theirs.

96 Comments

Filed under Childhood Traumas, Criminal Activity, Family, History, Humor, Hypocrisy, Mental Health, Politics, Stupidity

FiftyFourAndAHalf.Com’s Secret to Increasing Your Stats

I hope by now you have all come down from your virtual sugar high after celebrating my Blirthday yesterday, because serious work is at hand.

In a comment on that post, Frank of A Frank Angle asked me to divulge my secret for having reached 24k hits during my first year of blogging.   Naturally, I ignored him.  I planned to take my secret to the grave.  Or to the crematorium.  Or into space with Scotty from Star Trek.  There are some things you just don’t want made public.

And then I got an email here at my office that made me shout “Curses, foiled again!”  That is a phrase not heard happily by medical researchers, as even those working in offices expect to hear a loud noise next.

No colleagues were injured in the copying of this Google Image

Yes, my nephew, Clinton, had sent me this article:  Avoid these words to prevent Homeland Security from spying on your social networks.

Now, I should tell you that I have known about this for years.  I figured it out, in fact, before I even started my blog, that all I had to get attention was to include some special terms.  And I do!  That way, hundreds of thousands of government workers click on my blog every day leading to, umm, 24K hits in a year.

Wait.  Does the math work here?  Shouldn’t I have millions of hits by now?  Billions?  Centrillions?  Pishaw!  Word Press is probably lying to me about my stats.  Just like when it tells me that today I have ZERO links to my blog using search terms.

You would have thought that at least my post on Butt Burn would have alerted the authorities and resulted in multiple fear-ridden G-3s trying to figure out the terror angle in car seat warmers.

But apparently not everyone in the government clicks on my blog.  So I guess I’m going to have to expand my list.  Up the ante.  You can too — I believe in sharing.  Well, this time, anyway.  I want company when I get sent up the river because my blog “breached” “homeland security,” “threatened” a “standoff” with a “SWAT” team, causing the “lockdown” of my office and its “evacuation” because of folks who cannot distinguish between someone who is “a riot” and a real riot.  You know, one with “shots fired.”

 

Plenty of room for all of us! (Thanks, Google!)

67 Comments

Filed under Gun control, Health and Medicine, Humor, Hypocrisy, Law, Science, Stupidity, Word Press

Spread ‘Em!

At last.  Finally.  Well, I must say it’s been years since it’s happened in front of anybody but my husband.  So I’ve decided to drive around until I get pulled over.  And then, I can be strip searched!  I am so excited.  I just can’t wait.

Really!  The Supreme Court just decided I could be.  And I don’t have to do anything at all.  I can be pulled over if I don’t signal a turn, or if I don’t stop at a stop sign, or if I ship heroin from Coast to Coast.  I can get pulled over if I didn’t do anything at all.  Yup, it doesn’t matter a bit.  It doesn’t matter whether I commit a misdemeanor or am a serial killer.  Or a terrorist.  It doesn’t matter if I haven’t done a thing!  Those handsome guys can strip search me.  And it’s OK, because I am a big CHIPS fan:

Wanna know what I’m talking about?

Apparently you didn’t hear about the Supreme Court’s latest ruling.  By a 5-4 verdict the Supreme Court decided that anyone stopped by the police for any reason can be strip searched.  Anyone at any time.  Regardless of the charges against them.  They can be hauled into the police station and told to drop ’em and spread ’em.

So, if you are stopped by a policeman/woman for any reason whatsoever, you can now be strip searched.  For any reason at all.  Or no reason at all.  Even if you’re not the driver of the car.  That was the situation with the subject of this ruling — he was a passenger.

Have you ever:

  • Missed a stop sign?
  • Exceeded the speed limit?
  • Forgotten a parking ticket?

Do you have:

  • A teen-age daughter?
  • A teen-age son?
  • A sense of personal privacy?
  • A fear of standing naked in front of policemen/women?

Too bad.

I am SOOOOOOOOO glad everyone is protecting my liberties.

My liberty to stand naked in a jail for forgetting my turn signal.

77 Comments

Filed under Elections, Family, Hypocrisy, Law, Politics, Stupidity, Traffic