Category Archives: Technology

January 11, 2013 · 9:16 pm

Marriage Strains?

There’s nothing like the sound of young love.

Well, except when I try to eavesdrop on my son and his girlfriend. Then the sound of young love – “dub step” — is, well, not “moon/June/spoon”- inducing.

Back when John and I fell in love, well, things were different. Music was wonderful, made to share. And so I did.

About three months after John and I started dating, I made him a tape. (For the youngin’s amongst us, it’s like a portable playlist that can be played on any appropriate device available in the prehistoric period in which your parents were, ummm, young.) Yes, I made my love a cassette tape of my very favorite songs from that and every era. It contained, among other songs, the following:

Juice Newton, The Sweetest Thing

Joni Mitchell, A Case of You

Bonnie Raitt: Home

Linda Ronstadt: Blue Bayou

It was too late when I learned that not only did John not love the songs I loved, he hated them. Every single one of them. Over the years, he has solidified his position. For example, John has threatened to divorce me should I sing Blue Bayou within range of his supersonic ears, an approximate 5 square mile range.

Let me tell you this: It is not an ideal situation for a critically acclaimed former singer to be banned from singing her favorite songs. Especially when the ban includes those rare times when I am actually doing housework. It has been a rather sticky issue for 26 years now.

I try to be accommodating because I am wonderful. And because I have a huge repertoire of first verses of songs that will get stuck in John’s head for when he really pisses me off. John has been accommodating by vacating the house immediately when I begin singing/playing/thinking about any of these songs. Generally he is in search of a divorce lawyer.

But you know what? Payback is hell.

You see, in the past, I’ve often told John that he needs to outlive me, because I don’t want to have to deal with all our financial issues. Seriously – I haven’t balanced a checkbook since we got married, and I don’t intend to start.

But now, after reading an article in today’s Reuters.com, I’m reconsidering my position on who gets to “go” first. You see, I read that there is:

No rest for the dead with surround-sound coffin

Because now I can get John a specialty coffin complete with seriously impressive stereo speakers, hooked up to the latest iPod/music technology. And I will get to choose the playlist.

I wonder if I can find that cassette.

I promise I will only need one.

Payback is, literally, hell.

89 Comments

Filed under Family, Health and Medicine, Humor, Mental Health, Music, Technology

Tagged as Humor, Marriage, Pushing Buttons, Technology

September 4, 2012 · 11:51 am

Reminders

We all need our little reminders, don’t we?

Don’t forget — Google Image

Me, I have my iPhone and office calendar set for 12:30 on the dot. It says:

TAKE DRUGS

Otherwise I forget to take my pills. It isn’t that by 12:30 life is no longer worth living. Generally.

I am so forgetful that I make lists of what to buy at the store and then promptly forget to take the list. I’ve developed a habit of keeping track of the 5 things I most need to get on my fingers. That saves me a trip or two, but I do end up standing in the grocery aisle counting on my fingers. If you don’t hear from me for a while, you’ll know that I have been committed or sent back to kindergarten.
Famous people even need reminders! Remember when Sarah Palin got caught with the answers on her hand?

I’m sure she never did it on a test. Positive.

Well, just this morning I learned that some folks put their reminders in, well, other places. OK, they put them in their underwear. I don’t know about you, but I would really feel, well, embarrassed to have to check my underwear for my reminder. It is considered especially rude in Produce. But apparently some folks need:

“[A] constant reminder that desires, appetites, and passions are to be kept within the bounds the Lord has set.”

Mormon underwear

Now I wouldn’t want to be the first to bring this up, and I’m really glad to report that the topic has come up before. Remember, Bill Clinton was famously asked: “Boxers or Briefs.”

So I think it is a fair question to ask of Mitt (and Ann) Romney.

Reminder Underwear?

I am never going to be able to look at Mitt without giggling again.

* * *

For more on Mormon Underwear “for the Endowed” (no, I did not make this up), check out Wikipedia. Because I didn’t believe it either.

74 Comments

Filed under Campaigning, Elections, Fashion, Global Warming, History, Humor, Politics, Technology

August 14, 2012 · 10:06 pm

Forward, Crush!

One idiom that I’ve always found, well, odd, is this: “That’s the greatest thing since sliced bread!”

Huh?

To me, going back to unsliced bread after years of Wonder Bread was a revelation. It has taste! It doesn’t dissolve in water! It is something on which I could actually subsist. Well, with a little water thrown in.

Sliced bread? Mostly I think of that white spongy crap, although nowadays the mega-bakeries are trying to actually make bread that tastes good. But there is a ways to go.

Me, I don’t bake bread; my husband did back in the day when we had time and smaller waistlines. Me, I bake other stuff. My carrot cake recipe is to die for (with so much butter that is literally true) but I don’t make it very often because, well, when we celebrate birthdays we would prefer not to expire before the next.

But I do like to cook, and mostly it is from scratch when I have the time and energy. And while those are often in short supply those days, well, I do enjoy whipping up a meal without opening a box, without opening a can, and without pulling something pre-made out of the freezer.

Someday when I retire, I expect to do more cooking, more experimenting with world cuisines, the way I used to when I was home with my son when he was a child. We had a blast, made messes and cleaned them up. Discovered delicious and not so delicious dishes.

But sometimes a girl must draw the line. And I found the exact location for that line today in the Williams-Sonoma catalog. Because today Williams-Sonoma has gone too far. Or it wants me to go too far. Or maybe they just think that I have unlimited counter-space.

Today, they not only want me to make absolutely everything from scratch, but they want me to grind my own grain with which to make it. And there are different types of grain grinders to choose from!

There’s your conventional hand-crank grain grinder for those looking for a workout. (Williams-Sonoma Catolog)

Or for the ones who want full convenience while grinding their own grain, there is this one:

The fully-electrified version so that you don’t have to do anything yourself, which, of course, kind of defeats the purpose if you ask me.

Why not choose them all!

But you know, still I wonder.

My ancestors were farmers, and even they didn’t grind their own grain. They took the grain they grew to a mill where it was ground for them by the miller. That was considered progress from the days where my ancestors’ ancestors had to pulverize the grain on rocks, scrape it up and figure out how to get it into the crock pot.

I’m just worried that the next step in being the perfect chef will force me back in time even further.

I fear I will have to revert into a hunter-gatherer. Otherwise I will not be able to keep up with the neighbors. Sigh.

Good thing there is a magazine that’ll help me get there.

Yup, it’s back to the land. I just need my glossy mag and my loaded mag.

58 Comments

Filed under Conspicuous consumption, Family, Fashion, Gizmos, Gun control, History, Technology

Tagged as Crap, Family, Humor, Packaging, Technology

May 27, 2012 · 12:46 pm

Overheard at the Park

You all know that I love being outside. I often go to a park not too far away that lies along the banks of the Potomac River. It’s a natural area, with lovely paths that go up and over hills and others that follow the river. Still others cut through open fields. It’s lush and green, or open and bare, depending on the season and where you are.

Now that my dog is elderly and, well, in failing health, I tend to take my long walks by myself. It gives me time to sort out my mind, think up blog posts, get some exercise.

It also lets me eavesdrop. Here, you can too!

* * *

At the entrance to a short path that heads upriver for about half a mile, stood a woman looking at her iPhone with irritation. She was surrounded on either side by two men, one of them presumably her husband. The other looked like he might have been her brother.

“This damn UPS app,” she complained “doesn’t say how long the path is OR where it goes!”

But you’ll get a package for your troubles!

* * *

Two men were walking towards me; they had obviously just seen a snake, and since there are loads of them around here, I like to know where they’ve been spotted.

“Yeah,” said the first to his friend, “there are tons of snakes around here.”

My ears perked up.

“You’re right. And it’s you have to be really careful not to step on one,” said the friend.

“Yeah, because when you do, they act like you’ve done it on purpose. Like they don’t even get that you didn’t mean it.”

Ummmm, Guys? It’s a SNAKE, not Disney.

* * *

And just now, on the Sunday before Memorial Day, I heard this:

One tall middle aged guy was wearing a short sleeve flag-motif shirt.

He was clearly waiting for someone. Finally his friend showed up.

“Did you have trouble parking?” said Flag shirt guy.

“Yeah, the park sure is crowded today,” responded his friend. “I shouldn’t have been surprised. After all, it’s a three day weekend.”

“Yeah, Memorial Day. But, still, why are there so many people here at the park? There isn’t a Memorial here.”

Oy.

* * *

Happy Memorial Day, everybody. Hope that the dopes you run into are at least entertaining!

38 Comments

Filed under Awards, Humor, Stupidity, Technology

Tagged as Humor, Writing

May 16, 2012 · 10:13 pm

No, Google, No!

I am what I am because of Google. Really.

B.G. — Before Google, I was just a regular person. I knew how to research, knew what books were, where to find them, how to answer certain questions from them. There were computers, but they were really more for word processing.

Finding out stuff on the internets was just staring, at least for me, fresh from an 8 year “mommy break.” There were things called “search engines.” There was “Yahoo” (always a stupid name). There was “Web Crawler” (Eewwww. Will I get dirty?) There was “Ask Jeeves” (for what, I often wondered — a shrimp fork? A finger bowl?). But none of these engines had much horsepower.

And then came Google. And like Athena, the Greek Goddess of wisdom, Google gave me all knowledge — all I had to do was ask.

At my last job in a large international bureaucracy, someone told me about Google in 1999. I don’t know when you learned about it, but it was news to me.

It took me a while to share.

Now, I wasn’t really greedy. But suddenly I could find out stuff that made me look brilliant.

Who is the newly appointed Health Minister of Bangladesh?

Who is in charge of HIV research in Thailand?

What was the name of Myanmar before it was Myanmar? (OK, my bosses knew that one and I didn’t – but I could pretend I did, which is just as effective with the right snide look on your face. Google made us geographically challenged Americans look awesome.)

Before I let on, everybody thought I was amazing. (It’s a good feeling.)

Eventually I shared my secret. But they already thought I was brilliant. I just had to keep up the ruse. Which is way easier than starting from scratch.

So imagine my dismay when I received the following headline in an email message that popped onto my office computer screen when I had a tight deadline:

Google revamps search, tries to think more like a person

Which person are they going to think like? Will I like what they think? What if they think like George W. Bush? Elizabeth Hasselback? Judge Judy? Someone else with neither brains, nor heart nor soul? What if Google thinks like John Boehner — shallow and obtuse and tearful?

Google, please don’t change. You know if you do this, you’ll take another little piece of my heart.