Category Archives: Conspicuous consumption

TRIFECTA!

When I studied humor writing, I was taught something called “The Rule of Three.”

As the second deity in my holy research trinity, Wikipedia, says:

The rule of three is a writing principle that suggests that things that come in threes are inherently funnier, more satisfying, or more effective than other numbers of things.[citation needed]

That is the only reason there are Three Stooges. Because two just wouldn’t be funny. Come to think of it, THREE haven’t been funny since I hit puberty. But still.

Anyway, the Rule of Three works. Three is funny.

So I was delighted this week to learn that the GOP has adopted the Rule of Three! Yes, It’s true. They are pushing the envelope for legislative giggles. Ba Da DUMB!

Google, Natch!

Google, Natch!

Have you been paying attention? Because here’s what happened just this week:

In the Ring on the Right, we have Michele Fiore, Majority Leader of the Nevada State Assembly who has a whole new take on cancer, cancer treatment and what is apparently cancer of her own mouth:

“If you have cancer, which I believe is a fungus, and we can put a pic line into your body and we’re flushing, let’s say, salt water, sodium cardonate [sic], through that line, and flushing out the fungus… These are some procedures that are not FDA-approved in America that are very inexpensive, cost-effective.”

Photo from Crooks and Liars.com

Michele standing up for freedom with Cliven Bundy’s gang. Yeh Haw! Photo from Crooks and Liars.com

It really is amazing just how inexpensive death can be — there aren’t even any copays!

As my Dad would have said, “There’s a fungus among us.” That line is the only thing I could think of to say in light of this previously unknown cancer disclosure. Thanks, Michele.

Deja vu!

Deja vu!

 

In the Other Right Hand Ring is Idaho Rep. Vito Barbieri (R) who showed once again how the GOP really, truly has no fucking clue about women – literally or figuratively.  Or anatomically.

It all happened at a hearing on Tele-medicine – there is a bill in the Idaho Legislature that would prohibit doctors from prescribing medications that can induce a miscarriage — an abortion — from doing so via telemedicine – an online consultation.   Have you seen how fucking BIG Idaho is?  Or how it is somewhat phallic looking?

As stated in the AP Article:

Dr. Julie Madsen, a physician who said she has provided various telemedicine services in Idaho, was testifying in opposition to the bill. She said some colonoscopy patients may swallow a small device to give doctors a closer look at parts of their colon.

Now wait for it.  Here it comes … Your turn, Rep Barbieri!:

“Can this same procedure then be done in a pregnancy? Swallowing a camera and helping the doctor determine what the situation is?” Barbieri asked.

Madsen replied that would be impossible because swallowed pills do not end up in the vagina.

Allow me to rephrase this:

A man who has been duly elected to office – in the United States of America which office grants him a certain measure of control over many things including women’s reproductive rights, does not understand that there is no direct link from the mouth to the uterus.

The AP article went on to state:

Barbieri later said that the question was rhetorical and intended to make a point.

I’m pretty sure that Rep Barbieri made THREE points:

  1. That he doesn’t know shit from shinola,
  2. That he should just dig a hole and crawl inside for the remainder of his life.
  3. He should try stand-up comedy because I have had too few good belly/vagina laughs lately. Until I read this.
You know where I got the stupid photo, already.

You know where I got the stupid photo, already.

Now you know how there is always a serious guy in the comedic trio? This circus of GOPers is no exception.

In the Other Other Right Ring:  Here is the MO of this trio: Idaho GOP state Rep. Christy Perry!

Christy, is (of course) a good Christian. Being a good Christian, she is “pro-life.” Well, as long as that life isn’t breathing oxygen on its own, anyway.

Because Ms. Perry is apparently pro-life only until a baby is born. Apparently she finds it perfectly OK for parents to deny their children medical care in the name of the Lord. For Religious Reasons. And, you know, for FREEDOM!

Remember at this point in the movie, they are removing his intestinal organs.  There is no camera inside there. No vagina either, come to think of it.

 

*     *     *

 

So you see, our GOP reps really have the world of comedy all figured out. Ain’t it a shame though, that they only know slapstick.

And ain’t it also a shame that we as a nation are always the ones who slip on that damn banana peel?  Because we are down on our asses until we get these folks out o’ Dodge.  And DC.  And out of your statehouse and mine.

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No “Thank You”?

It was in 2002 when I first heard it, and even that first time, it made me feel somewhat uncomfortable.

John, Jacob and I had just recently returned to the US from our European adventure, when we attended a wedding of long-time family friends. The groom was in the active military, as were a number of the guests. Ed, the father of the bride, raised his glass and gave a toast; he enthusiastically wished them every happiness.

Then Ed raised his glass a little bit higher and said: “Thank you for your service.”

Huh? I thought. I’d never heard anyone do that before.

Now I’d known Ed for decades – since he was protesting the Vietnam War, as a matter of fact. So it seemed a bit odd to hear him say it, even though it was genuine and it was heartfelt. He meant it.

In those early post-9-11 days, Americans had started to understand that there are folks who make big sacrifices in their lives to serve in the military, that we as a country need a strong military. And that they should be acknowledged and appreciated..

Since that day, though, I’ve heard hundreds of people thank service men and women for their service. My old office was just down the road from a military base, so service people were all over all the time. People would thank them in line at Chipotle, at the bank, at the grocery store. They always looked uncomfortable; they were always polite. It’s also done at baseball games and other sporting events, where the announcer highlights a few members of the armed forces in the audience and then thanks all our service men and women.

I’ve always thought that if I were a member of the military, I would be uncomfortable hearing it. And I’d DIE if someone did that to me at a baseball game. Or if some random stranger just came up to me and thanked me for my service.

Because it often seemed like a hollow gesture. To say “Thank You for Your Service” has become another throwaway phrase – something said to a person in uniform instead of “Have A Nice Day!” With the notable exception of this old friend of mine at his daughter’s wedding, it has never really felt genuine. And it makes me feel uncomfortable.

Maybe it is just because of the people I’ve met who do it. They seem terribly insincere – like Mary Grace – a woman I met at a dinner party who was so sanctimonious about her good deeds and her patriotism, that I was compelled to take her down verbally.

So today when I read an Op-Ed piece in the New York Times entitled

Please Don’t Thank Me for My Service

well, I felt somewhat vindicated in my discomfort.

Matt Richtel told a bit of the story of Hunter Garth, a former Marine, but the focus of the article was on how many present and former military folks feel when someone thanks them for their service.

I did know he was a vet and so I did what seemed natural: I thanked him for his service.

“No problem,” he said.

It wasn’t true. There was a problem. I could see it from the way he looked down. And I could see it on the faces of some of the other vets who work with Mr. Garth when I thanked them too.

Everybody does like to be appreciated, don’t they?

But I read in the article that my instincts were right – that many service people don’t want to be appreciated in this particular way.  And to many others, it brings back thoughts that they might not want to think at that particular moment.

The idea of giving thanks while not participating themselves is one of the core vet quibbles, said Mr. Freedman, the Green Beret. The joke has become so prevalent, he said, that servicemen and women sometimes walk up to one another pretending to be “misty-eyed” and mockingly say “Thanks for your service.”

To these vets, thanking soldiers for their service symbolizes the ease of sending a volunteer army to wage war at great distance — physically, spiritually, economically. It raises questions of the meaning of patriotism, shared purpose and, pointedly, what you’re supposed to say to those who put their lives on the line and are uncomfortable about being thanked for it.

Mr. Garth, 26, said that when he gets thanked it can feel self-serving for the thankers, suggesting that he did it for them, and that they somehow understand the sacrifice, night terrors, feelings of loss and bewilderment. Or don’t think about it at all.

I think that we all want to somehow say thanks, because truly, what they do is vital to our country. And it’s dangerous. And pretty thankless.  But maybe we need to do just a little bit more than hollow gestures.  Just look at the difference between how we treat veterans today and how they were treated after WWII. Then they got jobs and the GI Bill. Now? Not so much.

Naturally, one line in the article jumped out at me, as something that you and I can all do for our vets. To thank them.

So what to say to a vet? Maybe promise to vote next time.

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Filed under Adult Traumas, Campaigning, Conspicuous consumption, Disgustology, Elections, Huh?, Humor, Taking Care of Each Other

Heads Up!

As a woman with Crohn’s disease, knowing where the nearest toilet is is something I have to think about a lot.  Sometimes it cramps my style, makes me avoid activities I might otherwise enjoy.

So imagine my relief when I learned that, in spite of the possibility of having to “go,” I can now help out outside.

Yeah, it’s true!  You can read about it here.  Someone has invented just the thing for folks like me — A special pooper scooper the inventor calls “Loo-cy.”

A motorized combination snowplow and toilet.

Me, I am flushed with excitement over this gadget; because everybody needs to do their civic doo-ty.

*    *     *

There is a conspiracy afoot to have me think about nothing but toilets.

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Filed under Adult Traumas, Awards, Bat-shit crazy, Conspicuous consumption, Crohn's Disease, Driving, Health and Medicine, Huh?, Humor, Science, Taking Care of Each Other, Toilets

The Funniest Ad I Have Ever Seen

I only hope my husband doesn’t think this would make an appropriate Valentine’s Day gift.

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Filed under Adult Traumas, Awards, Bat-shit crazy, Climate Change, Conspicuous consumption, Crohn's Disease, Disgustology, Family, Farts, Flatulence, Gun control, Health and Medicine, Hey Doc?, Huh?, Humor, Taking Care of Each Other, Wild Beasts

Married People

Married people are screwed.

That didn’t sound right.

Married people don’t get any.

Closer.  But no cigar (which is good; cigars are disgusting).

There are no good songs about married people who have been together longer than dirt.

Yeah!  That’s it!!

This morning I was happily singing away in the shower, belting out one song after another when I came to a realization.  Songs, at least the ones that are in my vocal range (2 notes) are all either about the beginning of love or the end of love.  If it’s a country song there is a dead dog in there as a bonus.

I’ve been married to John since 1986, living with him since 1985.  Thirty years Where are the songs to describe that kind of love?

Well, there aren’t any that I could think of.  (That’ll probably happen as soon as I hit “publish.”)

So, I decided that I have to write one.

It’s a challenge in that I can’t read or write music.  And I hate poetry.  And, well, I long ago stopped singing publicly — I don’t drink that much any more.  But still, I’m gonna draft the lyrics of a song for all of us old married folks.

The Second Half

Because I love you,

Let me snuggle up with you on the couch

while I write a bit on my blog

🎼

***

Because I love you

We’ll spend some time tonight

Just hanging out together

For you, I’ll only watch the second half.

🎼

On second thought, I guess there’s a reason there aren’t any songs about old, fat, bald, married folks.  My bad.

But I wouldn’t change a thing.  Well, maybe a few things.  I have a list, in fact …

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Filed under Adult Traumas, Bat-shit crazy, Conspicuous consumption, Family, Farts, Flatulence, Huh?, Humor, Taking Care of Each Other

Yup.

You know how they say one picture is worth a thousand words?

It’s true.

Credit:  Tastefully offensive

Credit: Tastefully offensive

I found this picture on The Last of the Milleniums today.  I often steal stuff from my buddy Father Kane.  Not all of them hit quite this close to home, though!

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Filed under Adult Traumas, Bat-shit crazy, Conspicuous consumption, Criminal Activity, Huh?, Humor, Stupidity

Need Extra Cash?

Need extra cash?

OK, I guess that was a trick question because, well who doesn’t?

In keeping with my newly assumed role of bringing you all the news you need to know , I will give you this profitable tip.

The Washington Post is reporting that you can earn up to $13 K anually.  Anally.

You can sell your poop.

Poop transplants are a real treatment that I’ve read actual medical journal articles about.  The hypothesis is that our Western Culture (damn you McD’s!) has eliminated too much of the flora and fauna out of our GI tracts.  The result is lots of people like me with bowel disease.

So scientists are looking at all kinds of ways to help.

One of the latest ideas is to repopulate the good bacteria.  That’s the idea behind pro-biotics.  They put back the good bacteria that overuse of antibiotics and other hazards of Western life have, ummm, eliminated.

One of those ways is through poop transplants.  I kid you not.

At present, poop transplants are used only for treatment of poor suckers infected with c difficile* and e coli, particularly nasty bacteria that is really hard to get rid of.  They are studying it in bowel diseases like my Crohn’s and colitis, but they haven’t yet flushed out all the problem issues.

So if you are really healthy and have good aim, you can earn some bucks while doing your business.

Washington Post.  Notice how upright those treated people are

Washington Post. Notice how upright those treated people are

You know the worst thing about this for a Crohn’s patient?  The knowledge that this isn’t the worst treatment imaginable.  That goes to the one they were testing a few years ago under the same hypothesis — that our guts were too clean.  With that treatment, they had you drink worm larvae.  Yum.

Your Scientists

I wonder if the researchers know about the whale in my last post.

*Thanks to my pals Kate Crimmins and Carrie Rubin.  The article refs c diff; Ive read it is also used on e coli.  So much shit; so many uses.  So much money in the pot.

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Filed under Adult Traumas, Bat-shit crazy, Conspicuous consumption, Crohn's Disease, Disgustology, Extra Cash, Health and Medicine, Hey Doc?, Huh?, Humor, Taking Care of Each Other