[Washington, DC, February 15, 2013] Pundits were astonished today when members of the GOP-led House Committee on Science, Space and Technology announced plans to hold hearings on science and the lack of federal research into the causes of natural catastrophes.
One witness agreed to appear:
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Seriously, yesterday, Rep. Lamar Smith (R-TX) announced that he was shocked, shocked that the United States Guv’ment had not been investing enough money into scientific reasons why that meteor that exploded in the skies over Siberia, injuring over 1,000 people.
Yup, they are finally going to look at science because the sky is falling. And they’re afraid it will land on them.
I hope you’re not reading this over your first cuppa of the day. But if you are, maybe you should put it down. Now.
Yup, please put it down before your hands begin to shake. In fear. In anticipation. In desperation.
Because I just learned that coffee is an endangered species. It’s true! Really! Have I ever steered you wrong? I mean, lately?
I guess I need to back up here and explain to you just how the world has failed you, and how life may just not be the same because of it.
When we were just pumping crap into the atmosphere, it didn’t matter. It didn’t affect us directly. I mean it shortened our lives, but that’s acceptable, right? An even trade.
Deep breath now.
When it just affected the polar bears, well, it still didn’t matter. They’re not very cute once they grow up.
HOLY S*H*I*T
Or icebergs. Who needs ‘em?
But now global warming is getting serious. Seriously serious! And you’ll feel it at your house and I’ll feel it at mine.
You see, I just read that Jim Hanna, Starbuck’s Director of Sustainability, reported to the Guardian Newspaper that extreme weather fluctuations caused by global warming are projected to f*@k up our supply of coffee beans. That’s because most crops, including coffee, only grow within a narrow range of temperature. All these high highs and low lows from climate change make crappy cappuccinos.
“What we are really seeing as a company as we look 10, 20, 30 years down the road – if conditions continue as they are – is a potentially significant risk to our supply chain, which is the Arabica coffee bean,” Hanna said.
But it gets worse.
Because it’s not just coffee.
Gulp.
Chocolate is threatened, too.
Clearly, it’s time to get serious about global warming.
Just wanted to let you know that we were really lucky when Sandy came to visit. She wasn’t too bitchy around my ‘hood.
Power was out for about 24 hours, but all those trees that were standing Monday morning around my house remain upright.
Thanks to everyone for your good wishes. Let’s forward all our good thoughts and wishes on to the folks who are really dealing with some serious shit. Because, as you know:
Blogger karma is awesome!
Good luck to anyone still hangin’ with Sandy, or cleaning up after such a rude guest. Hope you are all safe.
And if you can, here is a link to the American Red Cross to donate to folks who are gonna need it, cause sometimes karma isn’t enough:
I don’t know what you’re going to do for the next few days. I mean without me. Because I am pretty sure that you won’t be hearing from me for a bit.
Why?
Sandy, of course.
Damn — not THAT Sandy. This one, The “Frankenstorm”:
The Weather Channel Hurricane Specialist Carl Parker says Sandy is expected to bring widespread damage over a wide area. SHIT.
Some areas are prepared for nasty weather events. Given that the Greater Washington DC area closes down with snow flurries, well, it won’t be pretty here, even though other areas will likely get hit harder.
Still, I can safely say that:
I will be powerless for many days.
I will have no running water until the power comes back on sometime around Thanksgiving.
Trees will fall on my once wooded lot and I will have to remortgage to pay for the cleanup. Then I will plant wheat.
I will be unable to flush the toilet for a very long time which is especially pleasant if you live with Crohn’s Disease.
I will be unable to shower for days.
We will not relocate to a hotel because it would upset our dog, Cooper, too much. Cooper is very old and has been dying any day now for nearly three years. He will bury John and I when we smell so bad that he mistakes us for dead animals.
I will not be pleasant to sit next to until sometime after the election when I promise to shower.
I can also safely say that I will be going completely out of my minds being unable to check polls, hear about what is happening in the run-up to the election and what stupid things Ann and Mitt Romney, and Pauly Ryan have said lately.
But you won’t have to suffer, unless you too are in Sandy’s way. When you are looking for your bizarre little bits of what the crazies on the left are doing, here are two of my favorite locations:
Meanwhile, until the storm starts, I will be at the grocery store. Handing out copies of this picture:
You gonna vote for a guy with even less heart than Bush???
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To all my friends who are also in Sandy’s way, good luck with the storm. Remember, that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. And of course, by “stronger” I mean more fragrant.
To all of you who are not impacted by Sandy, please go to our websites frequently so that we will feel the love later, when we have electricity and want to know that our bloggin’ buddies have been by to help keep our stats up.
And Sandy of Sandylikeabeach? I expect you here by Friday with a chain saw!
Many of you think that I am a communist with socialist sympathies. Or a socialist with communist proclivities. Or that I want to take from the rich and give to the poor. That I have fantasies of becoming the next Mother Theresa or at least Madonna. The singer, not the, you know, Madonna.
Nope. Not me at all. That gum would be in my earrings
But it’s not at all true. I’m not a socialist, I’m a liberal. Someday the GOP will understand the difference between a liberal and a socialist. But certainly not before it’s convenient. And definitely not before November.
Personally, I work hard and am pretty well paid for my efforts. I like that.
I also like the fact that my husband works less hard and is paid even better. Of course that would piss me off royally if I didn’t get to spend more than my share of that haul.
That said, well, I know I’ve been lucky, especially when it comes to the folks I’ve worked for. Yes, I’ve been incredibly lucky in bosses. None of them has asked me to do anything illegal, unethical or even too terribly yucky. Stupid sometimes, annoying at others, but legal and honest and ethical. And none have ever threatened me.
So when I read this article about a very different type of boss, well I saw red.
Not exactly like this, but it was definitely red.
Did you hear about David Siegel, the owner of Westgate Resorts? His estimated net worth is close to $2 Billion. Yeah. That’s with a “B.”
You may recall him from the stories about his house, Versailles:
A quaint little cottage, ain’t it? A mere 90,000 sq. ft.
Here’s the ballroom.
Doesn’t YOUR house have a ballroom?
David made his money selling Time Shares. You know, those “must have” vacation resort scams? My parents owned one. Thanks, David. Can you say “total rip off”? I bet you say it a lot.
Now David’s worried. And that’s never a good thing when all that money is at stake. You see, David is worried that President Obama may get re-elected. And David’s worried that if President Obama is re-elected, he might have to pay more taxes. So he threatened his 7,000 employees, telling them that they may just not have a job if Obama gets 4 more years.
Actually, David held back. He didn’t cross that line. No sirreee Bob. He didn’t tell the folks dependent on him who to vote for! That would be bullying! That would be unethical! That would be illegal!
Here’s what he did say. I’ll use his words, not mine. Here’s what David A. Siegel, Billionnaire, said in an email sent to all of his employees on Monday:
As your employer, I can’t tell you whom to vote for, and I certainly wouldn’t interfere with your right to vote for whomever you choose. In fact, I encourage you to vote for whomever you think will serve your interests the best.
Good start, don’t you think. Then he explained to his workers just how hard the life of a billionaire can be:
I eat, live, and breathe this company every minute of the day, every day of the week. There is no rest. There is no weekend. There is no happy hour.
I admit I’d be ticked off if there was no happy hour. Imagine.
And then David mentioned that his employees might just want to think carefully about who they vote for come November:
If any new taxes are levied on me, or my company, as our current President plans, I will have no choice but to reduce the size of this company. Rather than grow this company I will be forced to cut back. This means fewer jobs, less benefits and certainly less opportunity for everyone.
So, when you make your decision to vote, ask yourself, which candidate understands the economics of business ownership and who doesn’t? Whose policies will endanger your job? Answer those questions and you should know who might be the one capable of protecting and saving your job. [Emphasis mine.]
David on his Golden Throne
Talk about folks who feel “Entitled”!
So, in spite of the fact that the Presidency offers no such powers, I’m going to lobby hard for something. Nationalization of David Siegel’s assets.
Yup, I’m going to work towards nationalization of the assets of this asshole. Just the one asshole. We could use a new National Park in Central Florida, wouldn’t you say? Disney gets so crowded these days. We can call it “OverTheTop-Land.”
Of course, if I hear of more of those buckaroo billionaires screwing with people’s right to vote, well, I might just rethink just how keen I am on nationalization. Because you know what they say about socialists/communists. Once they start marching, all the dominoes fall.
Elections matter. And nobody has the right to tell their employees how or for whom to vote.
[And if anybody seriously thinks that I am either a socialist or a communist, or that I think there is any authority for anyone to nationalize the assets of anybody in the country, you are reading the wrong blog.]
