One Born Every Minute

Just today I realized that I really am a good person.  Nice.  Law-abiding.

It’s true. Because somehow today I did not live out my longest held fantasy.  One that I’ve wanted to enact since childhood.

I will admit that I was close to doing it.  Possibly closer than I have ever been to saying “What the Hell, I’m gonna do it! — Now!  Today!”

I will admit to seriously considering doing it just for the moment when I was struggling to get into the driver’s seat of my car today at lunch time.  The moments.  OK, it took half of my damn lunch hour.

You see, I had an important errand that I had to take care of.

But some asshole had parked so close to my car that I couldn’t even get my purse into the car from the driver’s side.

Did I deserve to be placed in this, ummm, position?  Did I park outside of the white line? No. I was parked just fine, thank you very much.  Parked within the designated parking spot.  Straight.  Did I mention that I was well within the white lines on both sides of my car?  Well I was.

I did not deserve to be treated in such a manner.

So when I realized that without liposuction, a detention in a concentration camp or a colonic, there was no way in hell I could get to the driver’s seat from the driver’s side.  I was annoyed, I stood there for minutes with my hands on my hips, glad there were no children milling about to increase their vocabulary.

But I had no choice; I had to go. So I walked to the passenger side of the car, to climb into the driver’s seat. I soon realized that the driver’s seat was as close to the steering wheel as vehicularly-possible.  I realized that I was also not supposed to exert myself following my surgery.

Did I mention that it was important that I go?

So I struggled to get my body into the driver’s seat without a cerebral hemorrhage.

Somehow, I managed.

The cerebral hemorrhage happened when I carefully backed out of my parking spot, and realized two things:

  1. There were 24.5 parking spots in that section of the parking lot alone, and five floors of empty parking spots on the floors above us; there was no reason for someone to park in such an assholic/inconsiderate manner.
  2. The car sported a special license plate.

Instantly, I started fantasizing. Within a heartbeat, I was transported back in time. Teleported to the very first movie I remember watching.

I was very young.  Young enough to be crabby that my brother, Bob, had control of the TV.  Annoyed that he was watching a movie instead of cartoons.  Annoyed enough to forget that as long as the TV was on I didn’t really care what was showing.  (I had, just that morning, been watching the test pattern.)

The movie was brilliant, and I have never watched the test pattern since.  It was called

If I Had A Million

 It was a compilation of a bunch of sequences where various characters were given a million dollars that they could spend however they chose.  It later became the TV series “The Millionnaire” where a wealthy man would give people $1 million as long as they didn’t tell where it came from.

Anyway, in the move If I Had A Million, WC Fields’ lady-friend Mary had just had her new car ruined by what we would today call an “asshole,” but who was then called a “Road Hog.” When WC Fields and Mary Boland  got their million, they knew just what to do:

They bought a bunch of old clunker cars, and whenever there was a road hog around, they would ram their clunker into him, causing the jerk to totally wreck his own car, along with theirs.  But that didn’t matter, because that was why WC and Mary had bought those old clunkers!

They did this repeatedly.  And it has been my fondest wish since I was about six years old, to be able to do that to the bad drivers, the folks who cut people off, who weave and edge and drive dangerously.

Revenge would be so sweet!

But in spite of being a wise ass, I am not an asshole. I did not smash the car that parked so inconsiderately. I did not accidentally-on-purpose run my keys along the $60,000 Audi Q7 SUV. I did not even spit in its general direction.

It was especially challenging because I realized that the owner is represents everything I hate. I realized that I’d seen him before, changing lanes discourteously.  He (and yes, it was a he) had an overpriced car that he drove like he owned the road.  And those specialty license plates?

Photo Credit:  VA DMV Website

The Asshole was A Tea Partier! Photo Credit: VA DMV Website

 

And I realized that I really needed to feel sorry for the dumb rich guy.  You see, this genius paid extra taxes to the Commonwealth of Virginia so that he could protest paying taxes.

Photo Credit:  izquotes.com

Photo Credit: izquotes.com

82 Comments

Filed under Adult Traumas, Campaigning, Conspicuous consumption, Criminal Activity, Disgustology, Driving, Elections, GOP, Huh?, Humor, Hypocrisy, Taking Care of Each Other, Taxes, Virginia, Wild Beasts

82 responses to “One Born Every Minute

  1. 1jaded1

    Oh, I HATE people like that. I’m glad you didn’t have a stroke getting into your car.

  2. Karma will get this guy. He will lose his keys and be stuck outside his car in the pouring rain. And he won’t be able to find his OnStar number. A really big rig will tailgate him at 85 mph. And a cop will pull him over for speeding.

    It will happen. It has to happen. I hope you somehow see it happen.

    • I really wouldn’t mind seeing the exit gate crash through his rear windshield — not sos anyone gets hurt, mind you. Just to open up his asshole a bit wider. That would be enough.

      I hate those license plates. And the mentality that some folks — around here they are the ones who have the most — feel they shouldn’t have to contribute. Pisses me off. In case you couldn’t tell!

  3. If you did vent on his car, that’s not a jury of your peers that would have convicted.
    (I’d have found an already scratched corner of my car and shared the love. Or slammed my door open into his several times, depending on how bad my mood was.

  4. Eva

    If you had a raw egg with you at that time would you have egged his car? Because the tea party can suck it.

  5. I have special pretend tickets for moments like this to stick in their window. they say, this isn’t a ticket but it should be for your stupid inconsiderate assholic lack of parking skills. worth the 3 bucks i paid for em. :)

  6. Paul

    Yeah, those asshats that don’t even think about others should be denied a drivers licence. If you can’t pass a psych test, you should be sent to the public transit. Ha! I had a girlfriend some years ago who lived in Boston. My work took me there often and I would stay with her. She worked in TV production and had a souped up Mustang she drove like a mad woman. There used to be a wild intersection of I-93 S and #1 S where it was all merge and then squeezing 8 lanes to 4 and then over an old steel bridge and then merge with Storrow Dr, traffic. To enter that traffic area that without a plan was suicide. Her plan was simple: she chose the most expensive looking car and cut it off to get the lane she wanted. Then repeated as necessary until positioned as desired. Yikes! My knuckes would be white as she navigated this roadway. Her theory was that those with expensive cars would brake hard rather than damage their car by hitting her. And, of course, the Mustang would give her whatever speed she needed to make it happen. I told her that one day she would cut someone off that had an expensive car for the right reason – because she/he really didn’t need the money and didn’t care about the money – and then she would be up shit creek without a paddle. To the best of my knowledge, she never did meet such a rich person.

    • I’ve been at just that spot, but not since they completed “The Big Dig.” And while her plan back there was probably quite effective, I don’t think it would be any more. The more expensive the car today, it seems, the less considerate the driver and the more the driver feels you owe it to them to get out of the way!

  7. not sure how you resisted the urge to inflict some sort of damage, especially when you discovered the Tea Party connection … you are either a very good person, or you were so tired out from all those steering wheel aerobics that you just couldn’t exert yourself even one more tiny bit. “couldn’t even get my purse in the door” …. that’s just RIDICULOUS (but told in a very funny way) … sorry you had the pleasure of having someone smear their rude on your day … better days tomorrow, hopefully

    • You know how when you see someone parked close to you, you always think “there is NO WAY I can get into my car”? This time it was really true, and it surprised even me. How could he have not noticed?

      It’s a driver in my new building — and I have no idea who he is. But I won’t hesitate to say something when I see him next. I just like to fantasize about doing actual damage — I would feel to guilty being more of an asshole than he was. But it was incredibly tempting, especially after seeing that license plate. Nothing says “I am an asshole” like one of those plates — except perhaps a Hummer!

  8. One thing for sure, I didn’t see that ending coming! … and the fact that you’ve seen that plate before, thus I suspect you will see the plate again … thus being able to put a face with the offense.

    • I haven’t posted Bugs in so long! This guy was a serious maroon, though Frank. I’m sure you approve!

      But I will politely tell the guy not to be an asshole when he parks next to people — once I see him again. And I will endeavor to be polite when I do it. Because he undoubtedly won’t be.

      • Odds are good he will fit the behavior profile. Then again, someone will see this post that knows the plate … thus inform the person, who will intentionally be a charmer when in your encounter.

        • I seriously doubt anybody where I work now would read my (or any other left-leaning) blog! I have a lot of educating to do. My first act of defiance was to place a placcard I got in 2008 — OBAMA ’08 into my office window. The pigeons have converted.

  9. This reminds me of that hilarious scene in the movie The Heat when Melissa McCarthy has to squeeze her body in and out several cars’ windows just to get out of her car.

    One time I was with my mother-in-law and we were leaving a Bed, Bath and Beyond store and she couldn’t get into her car because the woman next to her had just pulled in to the space and left about one centimeter between the cars. When she got out of her car, my mother in law said to her without missing a beat, “Gee, thanks for parking so close, now I can put that can-opener I just bought to good use!”

    • What a great retort! I might have given this person the benefit of the doubt, that they were just running late and didn’t notice how close they’d parked. But then I saw that they had already tagged themselves as a major asshole who doesn’t care about anybody else by sporting that damn license plate. Maybe I should get some stickers to place on the cars that wear those — “I’m an ASSHOLE — Look at me!” Hmmmm,sound the evil laugh. You see, around here, only the $60 K and above cars seem to have them. The people who feel they are entitled to all the amenities that the government provides but don’t think they should have to part with their nickles.

  10. I think you were very nice. I wouldn’t have been. The temptation would have been too great. What a jerk.

  11. You are a better person than me and apparently way more flexible. I would have at least left some clever seething note under his wiper blade. Here’s hoping Karma serves him a giant bitch-slap in the near future.

    • I don’t know how I managed it — except thankfully i managed to reach the electric button that pushed the car seat backwards. Otherwise, I would have had to call the fire department to cut me out!

      And I’m pretty sure this jerk will get his before too long. Not saying it will be from me, but yup. It’s gonna bite him soon.

  12. Twindaddy

    See, this is why I want one of those James Bond cars. I would totally be taking asshole drivers out.

  13. Luanne

    Jerk jerk jerk. How I loved that TV show!!!

    • It was a great show. Then again, I spent a lot of time watching the test pattern. And the farm report that came afterwards.

      And now since he is still a jerk, I can satisfy myself by being sanctimonious!

  14. I do hate it when rich people act like they can’t see poor people on the road.

  15. How infuriating, especially given it was after you had a procedure. You showed great restraint, particularly since he was a Tea Partier! You deserve a treat.

  16. You’re powerful and strong to resist. But it would have felt good, I’ll bet.

    Here’s what I’m going to do one day:

    Do you know how if you’re waiting at the light and there’s someone on the opposite side of the road also waiting for that light, but they’re turning left and instead of waiting their turn, as soon as the light turns green, they floor it and turn in front of you and cut you off? It’s usually a fast sports car because that’s them. One day I’m going to hit that gas and smash their quarter panel to tiny bits. Woops. I’ll apologize with a smirk on my face.

  17. Not to change the subject, but I remember that TV series, “The Millionaire.” It was one of my favorites. Even today, I think about what I would do with that money. It can be argued that the value of a million is not the same today, but I’d take it in a NY minute:-)

    • I loved it too, Gail. The episode I remember most was one where a man, a truck driver agreed to drive a shipment of nitroglycerine across a very long, bumpy road so that he could earn a few extra $$$. He needed it for his wife, who heavily pregnant and needed healthcare (some things never changed). He accepted the assignment without telling her — and the guy came with the $1 million check while her husband was on the road. Great story — well written — full of suspense.

      I buy lottery tickets for that reason — the idea that I can spend a few days fantasizing what I’ll do with my millions is worth the $1 or $2! And then I can go back to Switzerland!

    • Oops. I mixed up the subject of two posts. And I’ve only had half a glass of wine!

  18. That is a lot of restraint, Elyse, I think I might have let him have it. Especially if he drives like a maniac, as you say, in addition to parking like a fool. And is the Tea Party still around? Really?

    • I wonder if I would have had so much restraint had I been elsewhere. Probably, but I was in my new office’s parking lot, so I was on especially good behavior.

      I don’t think that the tea partiers understand that they are a lost cause. they aren’t smart enough.

  19. Definitely an entitlement thing. Probably personality disorder too! Oh yeah, and self-righteous to boot! My favorite combination. You showed exceptional restraint, Elyse.

  20. It’s a shame you didn’t do that, I’d have loved to see you nonchalantly dispensing justice to the dicks of the road!

  21. moi

    Luckily my car is a banger and when people do that to me, I just smash my car door into their car, is that bad? Probably, but hey I refuse to be the better person in those situations, they infuriate me.

    • I don’t blame you at all — and had I been able to open the door wide enough to put a dent in that silver paint, I would have been tempted but there was truly no way. I’m pretty sure he will get his — and possibly even from me. Because it is oh so unwise to irritate someone you don’t know. He will get his.

  22. You are a far better woman than I, truly. Karma will pay him in full somewhere down the line though, of this I am certain. What a maroon is right. People have no common sense, or otherwise do they?

    I will wish this on him for you:

    May he be driving down the road behind a Fertilizer truck and may that truck dump its load on top of him.

    May he be driving down the road behind a pig transport truck, may that truck stop suddenly and dump pigs and pig shite on top of him.

    May he drive over objects on the road and slit his sidewalls, every week.

    May people block his car, on both sides in garages; every week for the next year.

    May his GPS take him on wrong turns, whenever he has important meetings.

    That is my wish for him.

    • I promise to never piss you off, Val, on the road or otherwise.

      I gotta say, the fertilizer truck is most timely — given my next post. But the pigs? Pure genius.

  23. Oooooh, these guys frost my tarts! I would have at least left a note thanking the guy for winning “The Most Inconsiderate Parker of the Decade Award!”

Play nice, please.

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