How to Lose Your Friends and Your Job

It was not my fault.  Really.  I would admit it if I were responsible.  But I was asleep.  Snoozin’ in my bed.  After all, it was 2 a.m.

The other night I sent an email out to everybody I know.  Friends I correspond with a lot.  Friends I haven’t corresponded with much lately and probably should have.  Friends I really have lost touch with.

And then there were my clients.  Yup.  They were there too.  Clients I deal with routinely, and those we do business with periodically.  Some who haven’t needed help from my company in 7 or 8 years.  Some who probably can’t quite recall who I am, and others who have changed jobs 3 or 4 times since the last time we chatted.  My business is like that.

And last, there were my business contacts.  Folks I might need to look up should I, say lose my job.

You know, if I were to devise a way to get back in touch with everyone I have ever known, I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t do it by sending them a link to a miracle diet aid.

As a fake medical professional, well, I don’t recommend diet aids.  Nope. “If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is.”  That’s my firm belief when I see recommendations for miracle pills that will let you lose weight while still stuffing your craw with McD’s.

[As a fake medical professional, though, I just love the idea of liposuction.  Although I will never forgive the industry for not using the motto I developed when liposuction was brand new:


Why diet when you can vacuum!

Still, I’m pretty sure I’ll never have liposuction, either.]

So the other day I woke up to an email by my nephew, sometimes commenter and friend Clinton.  He was a little perplexed as to why I sent him a link to a diet website.  Clinton is pretty trim, actually.  If I were going to send diet recommendations to anyone, Clinton would not be tops on the list.

And then I noticed that there were lots of failure notices in my Yahoo account inbox.  Lots of the emails that I had not even sent did not go through.

But a whole bunch of them did.  Shit.

And in these emails, I apparently told my friends to visit a diet pill website.  So that they would no longer be so damn fat.

I apparently told my clients and business contacts to visit a diet pill website.  So that they would no longer be so damn fat.

I apparently told my boss to visit a diet pill website.  So that she would no longer be so damn fat.

Do you think I can get into the Witness Protection Program?


Filed under Criminal Activity, Health and Medicine, Humor, Stupidity

127 responses to “How to Lose Your Friends and Your Job

  1. Hey! Do you use Twitter? I’d like to follow you if that would be ok. I’m absolutely enjoying your blog and look
    forward to new updates.

  2. Pingback: The Green Study “Worst Job I Ever Had” Contest: 2nd Place | The Green Study

  3. Same thing happened to my mom and her email. She didn’t even realize it until a friend of hers (who happens to be obese) called to tell her that while she appreciated her concern, she did not need to be told she needed to lose weight. Gulp! Mom was mortified. This was about six months ago and we are still not allowed to talk about it…..

  4. It could have been much worse, Elyse. I know this one’s a little embarrassing, but there’s far worse “pills” and other frequently spammed e-mail ads for certain products that would make your mistake seem quite tame, and only just the amusing blog fodder that it is here. Hmm… I’ve always thought that this would be the mistake that I would make, but it’s never happened… yet. Lol :-)

  5. Well…….Some people do need a fire lit up under their ass. You were just doing them a service. Anyway……The same thing happened to me years ago. A spam email was sent out “by me” to everyone in my address book. This email had to do with sex aids. My aunt emailed me back and asked why I would send this to her. The last time and pretty much only time I had spoken to my aunt, was when my grandmother died. My aunt is supposed to be an educated person, but apparently not if she thought I would send an email like that to her or anyone.

  6. If anyone clicked on the link and complained, just apologize thusly: “Sorry, the problem obviously isn’t that you’re fat. It’s that you’re stupid. HOW COULD YOU NOT TELL THAT WAS SPAM???”

  7. You’re only eligible for Witness Protection if you send out ads for bizzare sexual acts.

    You’re on your own for this one….

  8. Regretfully, my first thought was – wonder if the diet pill works. You may be looking at this from the wrong perspective. It could land you a promotion!

  9. Argh! Hijacked! That more than sucks, but I’m glad it’s sorted out. I had that happen to my Yahoo account once, too. Funny, never had it happen with my gmail account.

    • Nobody has had a problem with gmail. This was a Yahoo account too. My blog email is gmail and I have had trouble getting a second gmail account set up. Technologically inept, am I!

  10. I haven’t had any spam experiences like that but that IS pretty funny. And it made for a good blog post!

  11. At least it wasn’t an e-mail for male “performance enhancement” drugs. I’ve gotten a few of them from my friends and I don’t even have a penis.

  12. Sorry, but lol. It could have been worse…it could have been a ‘cure’ for erectile dysfunction.

  13. Double damn! I hate it when that happens!

  14. Bummer … at least I know what to do because you have paved the way.

  15. can i lipo all the spam i ate as a kid?????

  16. twindaddy

    This happened to my Yahoo account a year or so ago. I promptly changed my password and deleted all of my contacts so that it wouldn’t happen again. I’ve been using gmail ever since and haven’t had a problem.

  17. Don’t feel so bad. I had a spam email sent from my account to my whole contacts list on a few occasions. One contact was my male Buddhist meditation teacher and the spam email was for “male sexual performance enhancers.” That was awkward.

    Witness Protection? No. Better Spam Filer. Probably! ;)

  18. Clinton

    You have made me laugh, again. Thank you. My question is — would I be forgiven if my brain got hacked and a bunch of crap came out of my mouth? Oh, wait, it already did. Thank you for calling me trim.

  19. Snoring Dog Studio

    Isn’t it helpful that we have these alters sending emails on our behalf? They do the things that we can’t bring ourselves to do. My last group email about penis enlargement was very well received, by the way.

    • Yes, they are helpful. I should not have been so critical. I just couldn’t bring myself to tell everyone I knew, including the anorexics on the list, that they are fat. Thank you for reminding me.

  20. Well at least it wasn’t a link to Viagra or worse Porn. Think about it.

    I change my passwords every 30 days for this reason. Painful but lifesaving.

    I didn’t get one, so sad.

    • Val, you are on the “special” list, so don’t be insulted. Actually it was my real-life email address. The blog stuff is all kept on one email address so that nobody knows who I really am when I write about incendiary issues.

      But changing passwords every 30 days? I htink my head would explode!

      • Every 30 days my friend. All you need to do is alter a single word or number within the password. I have a basic password that I can alter minimally thus it doesn’t bother me to much to remember it.

        I do the same as you, keep blog separate.

  21. Ah! That’s a doozy of an e-mail hack. But while we’re on the topic, I could probably use a link to that diet pill site. So. damn. fat :)

    • Tori, I hear you. I’ve been dieting for 4 months and have many more months to go. I’m down 15 pounds, which doesn’t seem like much to me but my dietitian is quite happy. It’s slow going. Writing everything down helps. Eating only when I am actually hungry helps more.

  22. The good news is, now you’ll find out who has a good sense of humor and who doesn’t. I get those things almost weekly. I would think everyone knows about them, deletes them and moves on.

    • The strange thing is it looked more realistic than most of these spam emails. Because it looked like it was a silly video of penguins. Perhaps they were dieting penguins!

      But yes, I know who has a sense of humor. I’m especially glad that my boss is in that category!

  23. Makes me wonder what else you’ve been up to in your sleep…

  24. My facebook account was hacked once and I sent out a bunch of messages directing people to a video where I was apparently drunk and/or naked. They all knew right away it wasn’t really from me. I would never get drunk at my age.
    I nipped things in the bud though because I immediately changed my facebook password.

  25. My co-worker sent me the same emil last week. She was out “sick” all week. So needless to say I immediately thought she was faking, considering she was “too weak” to come in, but some how mustered up the strength to send out mass emails. Oops!

    • You don’t need a whole lot of energy to put out mass emails, Tops. Especially when someone else does all the work! BTW, I don’t think you’re fat, either.

  26. Firstly I loved your Liposuction slogan, and secondly you have discribed one of my worst nightmares. I’m off to check my email account now

    • I’ve been chuckling about liposuction since it was invented. I would never do it but the idea is hilarious to me. Because of course, it all comes back when you empty the canister, doesn’t it?

  27. Hey! I didn’t get an email. I guess you just don’t care enough to share your diet secrets with me. Fine. I was going to tell you about a site that has amazing stock tips, but I don’t think I will now.

  28. I think most people understand. This kind of thing happens with regularity now. A friend of mine just posted on facebook to let people know that she had been hacked and that we shouldn’t pay attention to the foolishness sent out under her name. I was hacked once and all my contacts were sent information about penis enlargement! Most of the people knew right off the bat that I had been hacked and a couple of people after receiving the suspect email, contacted me to tell me that I had been hacked. An aol person and one of my friend’s said that when this happens we should change our password to gibberish, a combo of letters numbers and symbols, something that can’t be easily scanned by systems looking for word patterns. Good luck!

    • Oh, penis enlargement — I can’t tell you how many spam comments I get for that on my blog — why anyone thinks folks click on those things, I just don’t know!

      But all of these difficult to remember passwords are becoming such a pain. I can never remember them!

      Most of the people who got it deleted it. As for the rest, you know what we all say about people who can’t take a joke …

  29. Miss Z

    Hi Elyse! To add to artisfrsty’s comment, also send out an email to everyone who received their email and let them know that your account was hacked and the emails were not sent by you. It’s very commonplace and I’m sure most people would’ve realised it was a spammer, anyway. :)

    • Yes, folks do get that this happens all the time. I did contact most people — some are really old contacts and I got reject notices.

      The sly thing was that the website didn’t say “diet aid” or anything like that. It said something like “silly penguins.” Which is something I might have sent out.

      • Miss Z

        That’s a bit creepy! They may have been monitoring your emails for a while so they could come up with a subject line people would think you’d definitely written. You know, if you’re with gmail than you should be able to keep track of from where your account is being logged in. Just click on the details link at the bottom of your inbox and it’ll show you the IP address and country from where your account has been accessed.

  30. My yahoo was hacked about a year ago – change your PW immediately and get into your account – you can see where emails were sent from – my spam came from France. I monitor anything odd – if emails don’t originate from a server station somewhere near me I change my PW again.

    • Thanks, Lorre. I deleted everything, so I’m not quite sure how I would find out anything more. And I did change my password. Oy, what a nuisance. But it is pretty funny that I, who am a wee bit pudgy, would send an email to everyone saying I think they are fat.

  31. Hey, at least you haven’t gotten fired – yet(?). How about this one – getting fired for something that was done by someone else, when you’re in another STATE, and the boss admits he’s wrong to fire you but still does? I went on vacation to California (actually, it happened while I was on a cruise ship in the Pacific, so I was out of the dang COUNTRY), turned a program I was working on over to a co-worker before I left, and he screwed it up. I come back, find out the whole snafu, am about halfway done fixing everything when the boss calls me in. I explain what happened, he agrees the guy screwed up, apologises to me, then terminates me right then and there. HUH?!?
    (It was Ameritech. ‘Nuff said.)

  32. Jason Walker

    This is really funny to me, mostly because I’ve had the same thing happen, though it was on a completely personal email account and not busines, thankfully! Hopefully, they all understood that you’re not that brazen (did I spell that right?) Thanks for the chuckle…it was much needed today! Oh, and could I get that link? I’m too damn fat!

    • Somehow my business contacts got mixed up with my personal ones with one of my smart phones. It didn’t seem like a big deal until this happened! Oh well. If you can’t take a joke ..

      As a fake medical professional I would recommend against all these diet pills. They are all nasty and dangerous. I’m actually losing weight by eating more — whenever I am hungry I have fruit and it cuts down on eating crap pretty nicely.

  33. If you didn’t send the email, change your password and find out where the email came from.

    If you did, come here, it’s time for a woopin!

    • I did change my password — I deleted everything in hopes that it gets wiped out. Yahoo contacted me and told me I was compromised (they did not add that they think I am fat). So I think it is all taken care of. But I have no idea how I would find out where the email came from. Hopefully this won’t happen again. It takes time to rebuild all your friendships.

  34. This is only funny because it happened to you and not me!! No, really…I do feel bad for you!! Now I’m scared it could happen to me…Oh boy!! Hope everyone understands, and that you gain friends when this is all said and done!!

  35. Point 1) Better you tell your make contacts that they are fat. You could have sent out male enhancement emails implying that aren’t quite up to par.

    Point 2) I didn’t get an email!


    • It actually came in the form of what looked like a funny video — of penguins. I might have clicked on that one. But the penguins didn’t exist!

      Sorry you didn’t get an email, Mama. My husband had me sequester my blog stuff from the real me so that nobody shoots me after I write about gun control or politics. Otherwise, you would have been top of the list. Of course, I don’t really think you’re fat!

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