All I Want

For years they’ve irritated me.  Those vile ads.

Around here where I live, there are always a bunch of shiny new cars on the road on Christmas Day.  Lexuses.  Mercedes.  BMW.

It’s so annoying to see the conspicuous consumption.  Folks who, on top of every other luxury they already have or have gotten that morning, need to have a brand, spankin’ new luxury car.  Jeez.

Well, that’s how I felt until today.

Today I’ve decided to jump on the “gimme” bandwagon and demand a new car for Christmas.

Now, there are three problems with my new plan.

First, I don’t know quite how to convince my husband that I’ve changed my mind.  You see for years I’ve been commenting on how disgusting, decadent and indecent it was to expect someone to buy you an expensive car like that.  It’ll be tough, but I’m pretty sure I can convince John of my new found fondness for fenders.  I am quite an actress, you see.

Second, I’m not sure exactly where we’re going to come up with the money.  But it’s never all that tough to come up with $100 K in cool cash around the Holidays, is it?  We can cash in everything for it because I’m worth it.

The third and last problem is the most difficult one.

I’m really not sure how I can drive my current car to the dealership to trade it in without John seeing the enormous dent I decorated it with this evening.

I wonder if I can trade my car in for a used AMC Gremlin.  That’ll impress the neighbors.


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Filed under Conspicuous consumption, Driving, Family, Humor, Stupidity, Traffic

92 responses to “All I Want

  1. If only you’d come around about a decade ago, when the purchase of a new Cadillac would also get you a free Yugo.
    Two for one! How could Mr. And A Half say no?

  2. Reblogged this on The ObamaCrat.Com™ and commented:
    Holiday season humor. I love it as an escape from reality, if only for 45 seconds. Thank you Ms. Elyse.

  3. Are you KIDDING? Gremlins are collector’s items these days. Ditto Pintos and Vegas. Now, if you want a crappy old Escort, I think they’re selling those by the ton.
    Got an old-style plunger around the house, for the loo? Wipe the area of the dent to get rid of dirt, then wipe it with a wet rag to leave a film of water, then try to suction out the dent. Alternately, take it out at night, and make sure he get in the OPPOSITE side. If it’s REALLY problematic, send me a photo and I’l tell you how to pop it back out – real easy. Or just smear some mud into it, and just tell him it’s a spot of dirt. Depends on the size of the dent, of course… :D

  4. Hi,
    Oh a new car sounds like a great Christmas present, and surely a decorated dent just adds extra character to the car that you have.
    I hadn’t seen the ad before for Mercedes, I loved the ending, different cars for naughty and nice.

  5. Dang – I always wanted a Gremlin. Think about how cool that baby would be with one of those Lexus bows wrapped around it!

  6. Oh Sweet Baby Jesus, how I needed this laugh! Thank you, going to share right now xo
    PS I have owned a Gremlin, yellow with black stripes, I never asked the neighbours if they were impressed with us or not… but they never did say a thing… LOL

    • Ah, those Gremlin days …

      Glad I made you laugh, Janice. My husband was less amused when I came home with the HUGE dent in my current car. Oh well. He’s a good guy so I’m lucky.

  7. Hey, how about one of those cool muscle cars instead! Buy ancient American than you can put it up on blocks in your front yard and work on it for years. That would make your neighbors happy and give your Mr something to do! It works well in my state anyway.

    Thank you for the smile. Someday maybe I will tell the story of the car I got for my birthday from an ex who I am convinced had to have been braindead.

    • I was never a muscle car sort of girl. I liked small and cute. Which is why the TANK I am currently driving is the recipient of so many dings and pings (oh who am I kidding I have done more stupid things in this vehicle than I have in any one location).

      I’ll look forward to your car story, Val!

  8. I rather adore the idea of trading the dented beauty in for a Gremlin!

  9. I think I saw that car in the movie Dazed and Confused. That car is groovy.

  10. I learned to drive on my mom’s AMC Gremlin! That’s also when I discovered why she was so afraid to drive on the freeway — when the car reached about 55mph, it would start to shake uncontrollably, as if it were about to disintegrate at any second. Good times.

    • She was afraid because she was an adult and had likely come to understand mortality. You didn’t understand it and were the happier for it. Right?

      The vehicles I drove and rode in in my younger and poorer days are the stuff of nightmares! Sounds like you are in the same boat.

      BTW Laura, I couldn’t get into your last post (I read and enjoyed it in email though — I just couldn’t open it)

  11. I had a Gremlin…bronze with black trim. Classy ride. I drove it to Florida…the muffler fell off about 30 minutes into the trip and the heater was stuck “on”. Good times.

    Hope you weren’t injured…the car can be fixed. Those commercials annoy me greatly. I’m going to keep my 12 year old Jeep for a few more years…then who know…I might ask for a new Lexus. I also might die my hair purple…

    • A bronze Gremlin. Beautiful! It sounds like it was related to my VW Bug — it had a door that would spontaneously open. The driver’s door. The safety inspection guy was especially impressed.

      I had several jeeps. They are great. And I want to buy something made by Chrysler since they closed the factories so that their workers could vote.

      Of course, my money will go into repairs. Or a Gremlin.

  12. We never had a Gremlin in the family–but we did have a Vega and a Pinto. It was my parent’s Pinto during the college years–they made sacrifices so we could go to college. I remember I dented it, saved and saved to have it repaired, then my parents traded it in! They got a new car and I got a windfall.

    • You were amazing, Georgette. I would have tried to hide it in those days … well maybe not. I wanted to hide this one, though, I can tell you that! My son’s girlfriend was over for dinner and I didn’t want to spoil the dinner so I waited. And so I overcooked dinner and kept dropping things waiting to tell John what had happened!

  13. What I’ve always wondered is where the get the gigantic red bows to put on the shiny new cars. Please let us know if you’re vintage gremlin comes with one.

  14. I would say the answer to all of your problems is duct tape. Mostly just because this is my go-to fix-it.

  15. I think anything would be considered luxury over my ten-year-old crumb-covered minivan. Anything but a Gremlin. Maybe even something with a dent in it. And a bow on it.

    • Well, I must say, having a dark blue car with a (cement pole-based) white ribbon running down the passenger side IS rather festive. Why I didn’t think to hit a pole during other holidays, I’ll never know.

  16. Oh, no! I’m sorry Elyse. My car has two dents that make me sigh every time I see them. Neither were my fault!…um, not really, you see… Maybe you can get the local high school’s shop class to pop it out for class credit!

  17. I’m just as annoyed by the diamond commercials this time of year. Remember, men: Your wife/mistress/girlfriend won’t love you UNLESS you buy her something shiny and expensive.

    • Absolutely, SDS. They are vile. And the jewelry they advertise is uniformly ugly. I saw one last night as I was writing this that advertised a poo-brown diamond. POO-BROWN. Yuck!

      And if anybody ever had the reaction they depict in those ads to a gift I’d taken the trouble to choose, it would be the last they received.

      • “Family Guy” did a great lampoon of the diamond commercial from a few years ago, the one with the silhouettes. It shows the guy giving the girl the diamonds, then you see the girl’s outline dip down toward the guy’s crotch, whereupon the words pop up “Diamonds. Because She’ll Pretty Much Have To”. Rude, but funny – typical Family Guy. :D
        Oh, and the “chocolate” diamonds? They’re Earth’s diamond-rejects. Companies had been buying them cheap and finishing the “pressure-cooking” at some great expense, but cheaper than a clean diamond. Now some marketing schmuck is selling us rejects as something super-special. 8O

        • The Family Guy bit sounds totally repulsive and equally funny. As only Family Guy can be. Which is why I am way too high-falootin to watch it.

          But Chocolate diamonds — I didn’t know anything about them until I saw that commercial. Now I am feeling like advertisers are trying to convince me to buy crap when I want to buy diamonds. Imagine that, John. Just imagine!

          • That ain’t so hard to believe. Isn’t “salesman” defined as being able to sell horse crap and convince the buyer it’s fine Belgian chocolate? (More like from A Belgian – as in Belgian plowhorse…. ;) )

            • DO NOT MESS WITH BELGIAN CHOCOLATE. As someone who spent 5 years in Switzerland, I hold Belgian Chocolate as godlike in its wonderful-ness. My mouth is now watering.

  18. Alright …. here’s your replacement ride.

  19. Michelle Gillies

    My problem was concealing the dent I put in He-Who’s car.( He never looks at my car.) It was on the passenger side so I was able to keep it hidden for some time. When he finally noticed and came home to tell me what “someone” had done to his car and then taken off, I just looked at him. I was trying my “I am interested in what you are saying” look combined with the “concerned” look with a touch of “how can I help” look and it back fired into the “I did it” look. He loves to tell everyone about it now.

    • I would be in soooooooo much trouble.

      No, I find it best to confess as soon as possible. Often I do it on the phone so he can be done being mad by the time I get home. But our son’s girlfriend was coming for dinner and so I had to wait so as not to put a damper on the evening. Sigh.

      I do love your story though. But I’m pretty sure you have to have a different husband than mine!

  20. I suppose the upside to conspicuous consumption is it means jobs for the people who produce the goods!

    • That’s putting a good polish on it, Margie. But you’re right — same way having some stores open on Thanksgiving. There are people that do benefit and it’s important to remember that.

      Of course with these cars, those folks are mostly in Germany!

  21. Was it a weredeer? Were you crossing the middle of nowhere when it happened? Because that happened to me. Luckily, the insurance adjustor was able to just pop everything back into place except for the cracked wheel cover which is still there complete with weredeer fur stuck in the crack to serve as a reminder of my middle of the night nowhere crossing and the potential for terror that lurks out there.

    Glad you survived with sense of humor intact.

    • It MUST have been a weredeer. But he was on a bicycle (IN DECEMBER) and surprised me. I mean it’s not every day that you see a weredeer on a bicycle.

      My sense of humor is fine. My husband’s is less so.

  22. OOOH… fun memory. My friend has a gremlin in the early seventies. Lime greem.

  23. The gimme wagon will like that Gremlin :-)

    • I am quite confident that the trophy wives who live around me will be envious. Completely. They will point at me in awe as I drive around in my Gremlin. Vroooooommmmmmmmm.

  24. I’ve always been bewildered by the holiday car ads, as well. Who gets a car for Christmas? Really, who?

    Furthermore, how do you do that without the other person knowing? Where do you hide a car? How do you wrap it? How do you spend that much money without your significant other knowing?

    Oh, well. Gotta keep the economy going, right?

    • I could actually buy the Porsche my husband wants for him without worrying about whether I got precisely the one he wants. That’s because whenever the lottery gets high, he re-states his order. Porsche Boxter Convertible S. Black. Leather. With everything except GPS (which he hates).

      Of course, otherwise it would be a challenge. Can you take back a car if you don’t like the color? If it doesn’t fit? If your significant other has a brain hemorrhage over the fact that you spent thousands and thousands of dollars without consulting him/her. Then again if they DID have a hemorrhage you could collect the insurance and pay off the car. Where there is a will, there’s a way.

      Sadly, I will have to call the body shop. Or get a Gremlin.

      I can’t believe I hit a cement post.

      Oh remember how you said in your Love/hate post how your life has become your blog ( During the first half of the drive home I figured out how to tell my husband; during the second half I drafted my post. What’s wrong with this picture?????

  25. Hey, funny lady! I nominated you for an Award. The post will be out on Friday. It’s the Blogger of the Year–no biggy!

  26. HAHAHA! Oh no!! I think you’re gonna have to bring your A-game acting skills to negate #2 and 3!!

  27. ahhhh the AMC Gremlin…the terrarium on wheels…

  28. GOF

    Now I need a Gremlin for Christmas. I’ve never seen one in this country, and I think I could pull some young 70 year-old chicks if I owned one.

  29. Are there any AMC Gremlins out there that are still drivable today??? That would be a very rare find indeed,and it really would impress someone like me! Sorry about your enormous dent, Elyse. But at least your sense of humor remains undented and undaunted as always, and just for you, Elyse, I will make this one and only exception:

    Go out and buy the most luxurious BMW that your money can buy, and you will have my blessing – instead of the stream of curses that I normally direct at “Big Money Wannabe” drivers! Lol :-)

    • MY humor does remain undamaged; it took a little while for my husband’s to bounce back. Last night I was going on and on about how the car is cursed. I’m a good driver and the only stupid things I’ve ever done in a car I’ve done in this particular car.

      I don’t know if there are any functioning Gremlins, actually. But that’s about what my budget would be for a new car! So no, you will not need to be cursing at my new BMW any time soon!

  30. Oregano and I hate all of those luxury car commercials although we are fascinated by the giant bow that always seems to adorn the new gift. Oregano looked it up on the internet and you can buy that bow for about $500. I wonder if they throw that in when you buy a Mercedes, BMW or Lexus or if they charge you extra for it?

Play nice, please.

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