Monthly Archives: August 2012

The Sequel

I’ve told you before:  I know these folks.  I grew up where the book was written and the movies filmed.  So I know all about these gals.

They don’t look or act any different in person than on TV.  They are molded this way from a special polymer.  From the earliest vestiges of childhood, they know their part.  They walk a little differently than you and me, they talk a little differently.  They stand a little differently.  The nose is up, the eyes are either scornful when looking at you and me, or doe-eyed, when looking at Daddy or Hubby or money or jewels.

Yes, here they are:

Did you hear that they’re coming out with a sequel?  GOP Stepford Wives!  Just look at the cast!  Perfect!

Ann “I smell liberals” Romney gets top billing.  This year, anyway.

And who can forget Cindy “Let them eat cake” McCain from 2008?

My shoes cost more than you make in a year!

They follow Laura “I should have married Jeb” Bush

How long do I have to smile?

And Nancy “I started this doe-eyed look, so honor me” Reagan

There will also be appearances by some who chose their spouses poorly:

Calista “I am the third wife of a serial cheater and hypocrite, pity me” Gingrich

Calista is still waiting to use that adoring look during Newt’s first State of the Union Address. With luck, she’ll wait forever.

And, there will be an appearance by the GOP’s token Female Candidate, Michele Bachmann

I want to be mayor of Stepford and make more women become just like me — certifiable.

I can’t wait to see this movie.  I’m betting the popcorn will be plastic, too.

[All photos are from Google, my God.]

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French is Dangerous

You’ve heard me talk about this before (Merde 101).  But the world has gotten more dangerous since I wrote that piece.  We need to be on the lookout.  We need to be vigilant.  We need to speak English.  No, this is not an anti-immigrant piece.  This is a potential-worldwide-calamity-caused-by-incomprehensible-grammar piece.

Yes, it’s true.  I’m saying that all roads to terrorism are sign-posted in FRENCH.  Believe me.  I lived there.  I know.  Well, I don’t know the language, but I know those signposts.  And what they say.  More or less.

Why would I make such an accusation?  Because French is stupid.

Well, actually, it’s really French possessives.  French possessives are stupid, illogical, dangerous.

You see, in French, objects get the gender of the object/noun, not the owner.  And that, is of course, the problem.

Imagine that there is a man and a woman in a train station.  Between them is a suitcase.

Google Image (or KGB?)

In it is a nuclear bomb.  Desperate to foil the bad guys, you cannot just shout out “It’s HIS!” pointing to the man who can be arrested and the bomb diffused.

Google Images are everywhere

Why not?

Because the word for suitcase in French is “valise” which is feminine.  Therefore, you can only say “It’s HERS” (“Est la valise!”) — regardless of who owns the suitcase/nuclear bomb.  The bomb would go off and everyone would die.

The terrorists would succeed because French is stupid.

Not speaking French is the way to protect the world.

*****

One of my blogging buddies, Paprika of Good Humored felt stupid recently.  She wrote about it here:  At Least We Can See France From Our Toilet.  And it’s not her fault.  You see, Paprika and her husband Oregano found themselves in French-speaking Switzerland, just down the road from where I used to live.  They came back feeling stupid.  They shouldn’t have.  Instead, they should have come back relieved that they had survived a nuclear attack.

[Note to folks who actually know French:  Before you get on my case, I do know that there are other was to say “It’s HIS.” But they are not short, sweet and to the point.  They are long and involved and the bomb would explode by the time anyone could get the sentence out.  The Terrorists would still win.]

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Way to Go, Chris!

This is a true story that happened in about 1980/81.  It was early in my career.  Really early.  I worked as a lobbyist back then.  What I really was, though, was a flunky.  Mostly my job involved going to government buildings and Xeroxing.  Yes, being a lobbyist can be exciting.

But one day when an important vote was coming up that impacted my firm’s clients, I was asked to make some phone calls to find out what was going to happen.

I didn’t know the issue.  I didn’t know “the players” – the Congressmen and women who were involved in the issue.  I didn’t know their staffs.  I didn’t know shit.

So naturally, in trying to find out the information I needed, I started at the top.

I called the office of the Speaker of the House, Tip O’Neil.  And somehow I got through to Tip’s Chief of Staff, Chris Matthews.

Now, normally, flunkies like me don’t get to speak with high level staff unless they know the guy.  I didn’t know Chris, and he didn’t know me.

I started the conversation the way I always did with my sure-fire trick to get help.  You see, not only was I very young, well, I sounded even younger.  I sounded about 12, according to friends.  So, well, I took advantage of it …

“This is probably a stupid question,” I began (as I often did).

“There are no stupid questions.  Ask me anything you want, and I’ll do my best to help you,” said Chris Mathews, Chief of Staff to one of the most powerful politicians in Washington.  To me!

Chris not only answered my question, but he explained how things happened, how they were likely to play out on this issue, what other issues might be helpful for me to look into.  He told me what was happening on the issue in the Senate.  He spent about 30 minutes helping a young, inexperienced person he didn’t really need to help.  He was terrific, and I’ve never forgotten him or his voice.

When I went back to my bosses to tell them the news, well, to be honest, I wasn’t really sure who Chris Matthews was.  But when they asked for the source of my information, well, they were impressed.  Because I had gotten to talk with Chris and they had been unable to get through to him.

I did less Xeroxing after that day.  A lot less.  And I’ve used the information and the knowledge that Chris helped me get ever since.

So this morning when I learned that as an MSNBC “Talking Head,” Chris Matthews called out the head of the GOP because they continually play the race card, and divide America.  Today, I am proud of being able to say that Chris Matthews was one of my teachers.  Way to go, Chris.  Way to go.

And thanks, Chris.  For everything.

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Filed under Criminal Activity, Elections, Health and Medicine, History, Humor, Hypocrisy, Law, Politics, Stupidity

Property Rights

As you can probably tell, I don’t normally struggle with making my opinion known.  But the last few days I’ve been so overwhelmed by the crap that the GOP is spewing that, well, I went into “outrage overload.”  It’s an epidemic amongst thinking Americans everywhere.

But after reading Eleanor Tomczyk of How The Hell Did I End Up Here, I was reminded of someone I knew slightly when I worked at a law school in my younger days.

Mark was member of the “Lawyers for Christ” group while at law school, and was known as a deeply devout, incredibly pleasant guy.  We weren’t close friends, but he was a nice guy.

Well, Mark is now a Federal Judge!  It’s pretty cool, isn’t it?  I mean when folks you know make good?

One night when Mark was in DC, I was invited to a dinner of some of his law school classmates who were also friends of mine.  I came away in shock.  Because this good man who had been the bible studies leader at law school, the number one Christian sharing his beliefs and values, well, Mark had changed.

“I went back home and studied my soul, studied my bible,” Mark said.  “And I came away knowing that Christianity, in fact, all the beliefs Jesus preached on, well, they’re based on property rightsIn fact, Jesus preached property rights.”

Huh?

Yes, Mark, the man who had believed that Jesus preached love, preached helping the poor, preached paying Caesar what is Caesar’s now had, well, a different line of thinking.  One that was way more compatible with his expanding wallet, waistband and increasing prominence as a fat-cat GOP member.

Holy Shit. 

Available for $3.95 from Zazzle.com. It’s their picture.

Or should I say “Holy Bullshit”?

Stephen Colbert on Jesus and Our Christian Nation

“If this is going to be a Christian nation that doesn’t help the poor, either we have to pretend that Jesus is just as selfish as we are or we’ve got to acknowledge that he commanded us to love the poor and serve the needy without condition. And then admit that we just don’t want to do it.”  – Stephen Colbert

Mark, Federal Judge Mark, that is, went with Stephen’s first option – choosing to believe that Jesus was just as selfish.

Me, I believe that Jesus would be a liberal Democrat.  Because the difference in the parties can be summed up one way:

Democrats believe in helping the poor;

Republicans believe in helping themselves.

*     *     *     *     *

Thanks to Eleanor Tomczyk of How The Hell Did I End Up Here for reminding me of this conversation and for her incredibly eloquent post on this subject:  A Warning to Mittens and the Gang.  Eleanor included Colbert’s comment, which I must say, I think of often.

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Filed under Conspicuous consumption, Criminal Activity, History, Humor, Hypocrisy, Law, Politics, Real Estate, Stupidity, Taxes

Twisted Knickers

Ladies, ladies, ladies.  Please.  Don’t get yourself extra-cited about this news item from yesterday.

Just because this man who clearly has never gotten a proper “birds and bees” lecture is possibly going to be the next Senator from Missouri is no reason to get upset.  Besides, there are a whole bunch of Senate and House candidates who feel the same way as Todd.  But don’t worry your pretty little head about it.

And another thing.  Just because the nominee for Vice President, Paul Ryan (R-Neanderthal) agrees with Todd, well, that is no reason to worry either.  Here is a link to some of that cute Pauly’s positions, but I’m sure you have dishes to do.

Trust me.  Not a thing will happen if these guys are elected.  Nothing will change.  Not with abortion.  Not with birth control.  Not with Medicare.

“Now how can you be so sure about all of that, Elyse?” you wonder.

Well, just now I got an email from CNN that reassured me that we ladies just made huge progress in equal rights.  So much so that we no longer have to concern ourselves with issues of birth control, of abortion, of violence against women.  About equal pay for equal work.  Because this is HUGE:

Augusta National Golf Club admits first female members

Augusta National Golf Club has admitted its first female members, the private club announced Monday.

The decision to admit former U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice and business executive Darla Moore of Lake City, South Carolina, ends a longstanding policy excluding women as members of the exclusive Georgia club, which hosts the Masters.

So ladies, don’t get your knickers in a twist about Todd Akin.  Or about Paul Ryan.  Or about any of the other crazy right wing candidates who may directly impact your life come November.

Wait a minute.  On second thought, maybe getting your knickers in a twist would be a good thing!  After all, doctors have told me privately that “twisted knickers” is a great method of birth control.

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