I hope by now you have all come down from your virtual sugar high after celebrating my Blirthday yesterday, because serious work is at hand.
In a comment on that post, Frank of A Frank Angle asked me to divulge my secret for having reached 24k hits during my first year of blogging. Naturally, I ignored him. I planned to take my secret to the grave. Or to the crematorium. Or into space with Scotty from Star Trek. There are some things you just don’t want made public.
And then I got an email here at my office that made me shout “Curses, foiled again!” That is a phrase not heard happily by medical researchers, as even those working in offices expect to hear a loud noise next.
No colleagues were injured in the copying of this Google Image
Yes, my nephew, Clinton, had sent me this article: Avoid these words to prevent Homeland Security from spying on your social networks.
Now, I should tell you that I have known about this for years. I figured it out, in fact, before I even started my blog, that all I had to get attention was to include some special terms. And I do! That way, hundreds of thousands of government workers click on my blog every day leading to, umm, 24K hits in a year.
Wait. Does the math work here? Shouldn’t I have millions of hits by now? Billions? Centrillions? Pishaw! Word Press is probably lying to me about my stats. Just like when it tells me that today I have ZERO links to my blog using search terms.
You would have thought that at least my post on Butt Burn would have alerted the authorities and resulted in multiple fear-ridden G-3s trying to figure out the terror angle in car seat warmers.
But apparently not everyone in the government clicks on my blog. So I guess I’m going to have to expand my list. Up the ante. You can too — I believe in sharing. Well, this time, anyway. I want company when I get sent up the river because my blog “breached” “homeland security,” “threatened” a “standoff” with a “SWAT” team, causing the “lockdown” of my office and its “evacuation” because of folks who cannot distinguish between someone who is “a riot” and a real riot. You know, one with “shots fired.”
Plenty of room for all of us! (Thanks, Google!)
So…curious mind wants to know: How long can you legally (or breaking the law semi-legally) remain FiftyFourandAHalf? Just askin’……
Happy [belated]……
Hi Jots,
Funny that you should ask that question. I am going to remain 54.5 forever. Here is the reason. http://fiftyfourandahalf.com/2012/01/17/people-my-age/.
As you can see from this post, I laugh in the face of the law. And logic!
Haha, nice work! I should probably include some of these terms to get my new comedy blog off the ground!
Hi Brad!
Thanks for stopping by. I returned the favor. Go ahead and try these terms. Let me know if you get arrested, though!
Good luck with the new blog and welcome to the club!
Um, remind me never to fly anywhere with you ; )
My bad.
I didn’t really think about that until I saw your comment. But I’m looking on the bright side: (1) I can keep my shoes on and (2) I’ll have loads of time for blogging.
Perfect.
I am going to make up new words for you…..very funny! How did you get the Oscars by the way? I want to give you one!
You are always a big help, Val!
As for my two Oscars, here’s the truestory: http://fiftyfourandahalf.com/2012/01/01/the-envelope-please-part-i/
Wowza, good to know the secrets.
For my blog the number one way to increase stats are to tag every post with either Justin Bieber or ‘broke ass’.
Hmmm. Those tags are untapped markets for me. And I probably won’t get arrested!
Ha!
Thanks for sharing your secrets. I am now waiting for, how to increase the number of followers. 
The secret to getting more followers is to have a nice blogger like you name me as blogger of the week! I thank you for several new readers, Arindam.
LOL … very good response. I also appreciate the list of words, Now this would be an interesting blogging competition to drive security nutso – an blog essay contest to see who could use the most words from the list in the least number of words. And oh – thanks for sharing your secrets – besides continuous going from computer to computer.
Thanks Frank. You are an inspiration. But no way no how am I doing a contest like that. LIsa of Big Sheep Communications is already telling me I can’t fly. Other folks are insinuating that I will be arrested, and if my husband learns I posted this piece he will kill me.
On the bright side, however, my stats are WAY up. So I think I learned the real secret to increasing your STATS: post a blog piece that claims you will give all bloggers the secret to increasing their stats. But shhhhh! Don’t tell anybody!
I will come visit you, providing that your prison is not more than a couple of miles away. lol
Thanks, pal!
San Diego would be a nice place to be in prison! lol
Happy Belated. I love alerting Homeland Security.
Now I’m getting paranoid. Wait, is that on the list?
I’m going to exercise until my thighs burn and feel almost nuclear and my thighs beg someone to take them hostage. I hope I don’t get salmonella from that pork I ordered from North Korea. Ammonium Nitrate is hard to spell so is Viral Hemorrhagic Fever.
Hope this helps up your site stats. I used 9 key terms.
Well I do hope you are exercising with your computer in front of you, otherwise you won’t be able to see your stats (and mine) rise with the use of all these terms.
Just think of all the material you’ll have to write about once the agents come to the house. I hope you get one like Will Smith in Men In Black..that would be so cool.
Tops, you’re right. I will hold out for Will Smith. No one else can take me.
Hahahaha!
If only you could include all those words in Arabic, then you’d really be onto something!!
My language skills are, sadly, limited. I can barely speak English!
Thank for the head’s up! I am going to try this out.
Good luck! Maybe we can share a sell.
Fun and funny post, Elyse. And thanks for the amusingly dispensed advice on how to drive up WP stats and maybe also get an all expenses paid indefinite vacation in Gitmo… Lol
But I am truly grateful, so I’d like to return the favor:
Tina Fey sexy, Best breast cleavage, Naked mole rats, Little green turtles. (no joke on that last one, and I have no idea why)
23,500 hits in six months and counting… And no NSA, CIA, or FBI after me – at least not that I know of, but we probably wouldn’t know, now would we? At least not until after it’s too late.
While it’s true that many of my search terms embarrass even me when I see them – and yes that is possible, the only “most wanted list” I’ll probably end up on, is one for an executive employment agency looking for a creative consultant for Playboy or Hustler magazine. I hear their numbers are slipping these days, and maybe I could help them… Lol
Wow, Chris. Pretty amazing stats.
But I’m just not sure that best breast cleavage or Tina Fey sexy would work for me. At least that’s what my husband would say if he had heard the suggestion!
Well to slightly paraphrase a lyric from one of my favorite Rock ‘n Rollers, “Hey Elyse… take a walk on the wild side…” Lol
I did. It wasn’t all it was advertised to be. So now I am down-right boring!
I don’t believe that for one single minute!
But I DON”T mean that I don’t believe that you never took a walk on the wild side, cause I’m sure you did. (said in admiring way)
What I DON’T believe, is that you are down-right boring now – cause I know that you would never get down with the boring Right… It would be against all you believe in. Lol
I guess we could ask Julian Assange how he increased his blog stats… you know, just to compare
.
Now why didn’t I think of that?
Of course, I don’t think Julian is at all funny. I’m pretty sure we’re not targeting the same audience.
Be safe on this here blog. You don’t get your choice of fashions locked up. Not that I know personally but I like watching prison movies and whatnot. Then again, if you’re blogging about homeland security, it’s a white collar crime and you get to live in a dormitory-style prison and could be out and about in 6 months to a year. It could make for a good little blog movie and you’d get even more hits with a few dollars to boot.
Thanks, Tots. I think one look at my blog will be enough to convince anyone that I am merely a Democrat, and not a bad guy. But your movie idea is kind of appealing — if there’s time for liposuction before the filming, that is!
Interesting post in that the distinction of volume of hits related to those who are actually enjoying/reading the blog as opposed to those who are only monitoring it for security purposes is a number that some people value. I think the quality of your posts are good enough whether the HS reads them or not
What? Everybody who stumbles onto my blog is not immediately blown away by my wit, humor and eloquence? Sometimes they don’t even read it? Damn. I had no idea.
But thanks for the compliment, Les
.
I wasn’t getting any Google traffic until I posted something called “Bouncing Tits”…..I’ve been grateful for bouncing tits ever since.
Somehow, I don’t think that “Bouncing Tits” really fits into my image as a left wing commie pinko feminist bra burner. Or does it? Maybe that last part.
Excuse me while I cut in, but I just wanted to tell GOF – Hi GOF!
that I’m not the least bit surprised, I’ve done the same, and I feel the exact same way! Lol 
Any Ms. Pneumatic sightings lately GOF? Please keep us posted. That other bird that you had next to the flying boat still frequently appears in my dreams, and you posted her a while ago! You’ve got an eye for talent, my friend… and that’s compliment!
Oh dear…I probably shouldn’t have done that space shuttle post.
Are those sirens I hea–
I’ll visit you Guap. Would you prefer cake or cookies?
Cake please. Not sure you can bake a cell key into cookies…
Rumor has it you can bake good things into brownies, too.
I like your posts because of the variety, astute observations that are new, solid writing, and good use of graphics. Frank’s site is pretty solid too. Do not be fooled.
Thanks Randel! And Frank’s is one of my favs, too. But don’t let him know that!
Off topic, but TY for the “like” on the revised version. IF I ever grow up, I want to be more like you, and that’s said w/o sarcasm or irony.
Are you insulting me by suggesting that I am grown up? As in OLD? I’m telling…
Well tell if you must, but I’m around six months older than you, so I’m the one who is OLD (close race though) and you’re the one who is “graced with wisdom” – a phrase that usually doesn’t come to the minds of those who know me, when asked for an opinion.
About as close as I’ll get is “wise” followed by another word, beginning with beginning letter of alphabet ( the English one) Lol
Or maybe The English Patient – which was a very LONG movie, and I wasn’t patient at all!
the English Patient was a very long movie. I did keep waiting for something to happen.
OK, you can be the old one, and I the wise. Or wiseass. Both are fitting at times (probably for both of us!
Hilarious. Keep on upping the ante.
Glad you liked it. I’m off to see your site too.
It’s rare that I can’t recall something since my memory is so fine-tuned. But for the life of me I can’t remember the blog title you once used that ended up sounding like a reference to male genitalia. And you pretended not to notice, yet someone (probably Les from BestBathroomBooks) pointed it out to you. That right there was brilliant — the way you pretended not to know you were peddling porn lingo and all the while driving up your stats and steering freaks right to your blog. I’ve learned a lot from you, Elyse.
Do you mean, Angie, that I am playing dumb? I think that the post you are referring to was this one: Pounding Wood (http://fiftyfourandahalf.com/2012/03/24/pounding-wood/. And yes, I am way too middle-aged to get my own inadvertent perverted references.
I am happy that you consider me your teacher, Angie. Does that mean I can smack you across your bratass knuckles with a ruler?
All hits count I suppose. Even Oprah said that prison ratings counted same as anyone’s. So there we have it. I wonder if the government officials who spy on our blogs ever leave comments using fake identities? It might be fun to try to figure out which ones were left by one of them.
Probably that occasional one that leaves you shaking your head, trying to figure out what the person said!
Happy B-day, Kiddo! I bet I’m way ahead of you in years even if you are refusing to go above 54.5. Here’s another secret to getting your count up (mine is closing in on 25,000 today and you and I started the same time): leave a comment on a high profile celebrity Facebook page but make it clever and funny. WARNING: filter your comments because that is when the trolls come out to play. I approve every comment, each time, for that reason. Although, now that I see your list, maybe it was Homeland Security following me and not Ellen DeGeneres. Oh, no!
Why thanks, Eleanor! We all need to watch our filters, don’t we! Congrats on your b-day, too!
Hi,
Well now we know the secret, I wonder if the American powers that be would like to visit my blog, you never can tell with Aussies best for them to start checking on me, especially all the office staff as well.
They’re likely to follow you there just because of this comment!
Hmmm…sounds a bit scary but exciting. Happy Birthday. To me, it’s making sure we give back and making connections. Best wishes.
Thanks, IT! Blogging really is a fun give and take with a wonderful community. How else would we have gotten to know each other.
Happy birthday, Elyse! If you really want to up the ante on the hits, write a blog that includes something about sexy dog walkers and confused old women. Did wonders for my stats and I didn’t even write about either of those topics!
Thanks, Lorna. I may need to try that. Maybe it just takes thinking about writing about weird topics to get hits based on them.
Hmmmm. That would mean my drafts file is leading to billions of hits and I’m not so sure!